Thursday, December 27, 2007

Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen, Part 2

First Topanga, and now Marissa Cooper. Yes, it is my extreme displeasure to report that Mischa Barton got arrested for a dooey in LA. Perhaps if she had ever eaten something besides one cereal flake, she might have been able to withstand what I assume were three sips of a Bartles & Jaymes at a water polo party on the beach. I have a sneaking suspicion that Volchok was somehow behind this. That Eastern European vampire motherfucker always did bring her down. My main concern is that Atwood wasn't around to unalcholize Marissa simply by brooding.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Tropicoolio Greetings

Jessie wanted to call it "Tropipoolside Greetings," but I thought that sounded weird.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Happy Holidays

Oh How The Mighty Have Fallen

It's with a heavy heart that I report to you a report based on a police report that Danielle Fishel -- known and loved as Topanga on the Fred Savage-Rider Strong vehicle Boy Meets World -- was arrested on a drunk driving warrant this week. I guess all that weight she lost negatively affected her tolerance. Where's Feeney when you need him?

Friday, December 21, 2007

Christmas Listening Recommendation

Today I broke tradition and listened to Christmas music instead of hair band music. I guess I figured "We Three Kings" is more appropriate than "Number of the Beast." Anyway, for those of you out there looking for an awesome Christmas album, I wholeheartedly recommend A Christmas Gift for You From Phil Spector. Before he was shooting b-movie actresses to death, Phil Spector was arguably the greatest producer in rock and roll history, and this 1963 album is one of the many examples of his producing talents, combining Christmas classics with his famous "Wall of Sound." I'm sure many of you already know about (or even have) this album, and you've probably heard many of the songs on oldies radio around the holidays, but for those of you who don't have it, you should buy it immediately.

Ranked #142 on Rolling Stones 500 Greatest Albums of All-Time (ahead of anything by Steely Dan -- fuck Steely Dan) and released on November 22, 1963 to offset the negative vibes created that day by JFK's death, the album features The Ronettes, The Crystals, Darlene Love, and Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans belting out various Christmas favorites. The Ronettes' version of "Sleigh Ride" has always been a favorite of mine ("ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding"), and Ronnie Spector's (then Bennett) voice is amazing, as always. Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" (penned by Brill Building superstars Ellie Greenwich and Jeff Barry, as well as Spector) is one of the better Christmas songs ever, due in large part to Love's soaring, heartfelt vocals, pleading for her man to come home for Christmas and imploring him to remember all the fun they had last year. Other highlights include "The Bells of St. Mary's" by Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans (of which Love was a backing singer), "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" by The Crystals (Springsteen based his now-famous version off of this one), "White Christmas" by Darlene Love, and "Parade of the Wooden Soldiers" by The Crystals. The other songs are great too. I might as well have listed all of them.

Anyway, I was listening to the album at work today, and I figured that its praises had to be sung -- not literally, though, because that would be an insult to the album. With all of the shit that gets put out at the holidays every year, this is truly a timeless classic that might be easily overlooked. Buy it. Love it. Live it. Yes Kevin, live it. Dream that snow falls on or before December 25 (as you've known it to have done in years past), build a gregarious snowman that comes to life, make yourself aware of the fact that the bells shall ring out for you and me, don't even think about pouting, take the road before you and sing at least one but less than three choruses, pretend that you live in a world made entirely of marshmallows, spy on your mother committing adultery with Kringle, if you ever see Rudolph say it glows, pretend that the aforementioned snowman is a clergyman of sorts inquiring as to your marital status, organize a parade of wooden soldiers, please come home (baby), and say your fucking prayers because Santa Claus is coming tonight. But most importantly, be quiet.

Inaugural GMYH Hall of Fame Inductees

Polling is closed and the top thee vote-getters have been chosen by you, the faithful and loyal GMYH readers. The inaugural GMYH Hall of Fame Inductees are as follows:
Thanks to everyone who voted and who loves stories about chicks getting banged on hotel floors in front of 15 people, guys dressed up like aging rock stars who drink their wives' contact lenses, and hating that glorified two-year technical college in West Lafayette that lost Wednesday night at home to Wofford.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

My Other Daughter's Pregnant, Y'all

So Lynne Spears, mother of media darlings Britney and Jamie Lynn, is apparently writing a book on parenting, which was delayed indefinitely today. I don't know what's funnier, the fact that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn was getting statutorily raped -- er, I mean nailed -- by a 19-year-old douche who apparently hates condoms, pulling out, and Jesus or the fact that Lynne is writing a book on a subject which she obviously knows so very little about. Interestingly, the book is NOT entitled "How to Raise Whores Who Get Impregnated by D-Bags and Why You Should be Pro-Choice." I think I could probably write a better book on parenting than Lynne Spears, even though I've never even owned a child (although I do own a dog who has managed to stave off pregnancy despite nearly regenerating her uterus). My book would be entitled, "Tell Your Daughter To Close Her Fucking Legs." It would be filled with commonsense tips on dealing with rambunctious teenage girls who like to spread their legs at the mere scent of a male, with chapter titles including, (1) "If You Get Pregnant While You're Still In High School, You're Not Getting a Dime From Us, You Filthy Street Walker," (2) "You're Grounded Because You're a Whore," (3) "Surreptitious Ways to Implant Birth Control Pills in Your Daughter's Food," (4) "That Nice Guy Dating Your Daughter Is Probably a 37-Year-Old Rapist," (5) "Babies Aren't Cute, They're Siphons," (6) "Your 20s, and Why You Should Enjoy Them," (7) "Pregnant Chicks Don't Win Prom Queen," (8) "There is Nothing Wrong With Blowjobs," (9) "Ponies, Puppies, and Other Ways to Reward a Prude," (10) "The Amateur Hysterectomy and You," (11) "Coat Hangers and Vacuums: A Reluctant Grandparent's Best Friends." Oh, who am I kidding, this is the book I've been writing all this time.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Watch the Insight Bowl at Rocks

For those of you IU fans in Chicago who will not be heading to Tempe for the Insight Bowl, George Manta (co-owner of Rocks and fellow IU alum, for those who don't know) wanted me to spread the word that Rocks will be showing the game. As an emotional and monetary support of Rocks, I wholeheartedly urge you to watch the game there, instead of, say, a Joe's or a Kirkwood (both of which will be packed and obnoxious).

But don't take it from me. Here is a message from George himself:

"What's up fellow IU Alums? Manta here, with a simple message. IU will be playing it's 13th game this season on New Year's Eve, that's December 31st. I know most everyone will have some sort of plan already for what they're doing that night, with some of you actually heading to Tempe for the game.

For those of us who won't be in actual attendance, or out of town for the holiday, I am offering up a venue to watch the game. It will be on the NFL Network, which most households don't get. It starts at 4:30pm CST, so you should be able to watch and still have plenty of time to go home and attend your respective New Year's parties.

So if you're in Chicago that day and want to watch IU play Oklahoma State in their first bowl game since before 99% of us went to school there, then come over to ROCKS. I'll be there working/watching. I just thought I would put it out there this early so you had plenty of time to plan. Thanks for your time. If I don't see before then, have a great holiday season, and a safe and Happy New Year. GO HOOSIERS!"

For those of you who don't know, Rocks is located at 1301 W. Schubert, which is one block south of Diversey, two blocks east of Southport and two blocks west of Racine.

Twelve Albums That Changed My Life

Some dude named Robert the Radish who has a music blog on Yahoo recently had a post entitled "10 Albums That Changed My Life." I don't know who Robert is, or what nationality the last name "the Radish" might be, but I vomited all over my keyboard when I saw his first pick: Rush - Moving Pictures. I fucking hate Rush. Hatred of Canadian pop-metal with banshee-like lead singing to the point of annoyance aside, the Radish's idea is an interesting one. It's rare that you (or I) come across an album that changes your (or my) life, and the whole exercise of separating favorite albums from life-changing albums is an exhausting one that I hope never again to experience. Regardless, here are twelve (yes, twelve -- take that, the Radish) albums that probably changed my life, in reverse alphabetical order by the last letter of the second song.

1. Guns N' Roses - Appetite for Destruction. To this day, I have no idea why my mom let me buy this tape that fateful day in 1988 at Phar-Mor. She saw the "Parental Advisory" sticker. She saw the skulls. She saw her son as a naïve child for the last time. As soon as I got home, I popped the tape in. By the middle of the second song ("It's So Easy"), my innocence was lost faster than Axl could say, "why don't you just . . . FUCK OFF?!" What did he just say? You gotta remember that at this time there really wasn't all that much swearing in albums. A "shit" here and an "ass" there, maybe, but the number of f-bombs throughout this album was eye-opening for a 10-year-old in 1988. And then there was the inside cover art. Chicks were being sexually assaulted by flying robot pods with knives for teeth and alligator skeletons walking on two feet with either guns or binoculars for eyes. You're just not the same after you look at that.

2. The Beatles - Let It Be. This wasn't the first Beatles album I bought, nor is it my favorite Beatles album. What it is, though, is the Beatles album that fostered my desire to crank music as loud as possible when I'm hammered and sing along. There was a lot of that (particularly to "Dig a Pony," "Let It Be," "I Me Mine," and especially "I've Got a Feeling") second semester my sophomore year, along with Morgan and Jamie, after yet another night of striking out with the ladies.

3. Beach Boys - Spirit of America. My dad had this Beach Boys compilation on record, and he made a tape at some point, which I pilfered and listened to countless times between 1985 and 1988. It helped shape my view on what qualifies as well-written pop song, and also kind of made me want to be a rock singer, despite my lack of ability or dedication.

4. Def Leppard - Hysteria. I heard a snippet of a song while riding in the car on the way to Phar-mor with my mom. I heard what I thought was "burnin' like a flame," and I knew immediately that I had to own that song. After rifling through the entire tape collection at Phar-mor to find the song, I almost bought a Dokken tape. It turns out what I heard was "love is like a bomb," and luckily I soon figured out that it was "Pour Some Sugar On Me," and it quickly became my favorite song (and has stayed my favorite song to this day). It was that song and this album that transformed my taste in music from Beach Boys-centric to hair band-centric.

5. Derek and The Dominos - Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs. This also happens to be my favorite album of all-time. Thanks in large part to Professor Glenn Gass during Z202, I discovered this album in the spring of 1997. Before that, I had heard "Layla" and "Bell Bottom Blues," but nothing else. Holy shit, what an album. The emotion, the love, the pain, the drugs, the booze. I now had an album to listen to when I was depressed because no matter how bad I might have felt, Eric Clapton felt worse when he made this album.

6. Def Leppard - Yeah!. Most of you have probably never heard or (or listened to) this 2006 release by the boys from Sheffield. It's a cover album of songs by all of their favorite '70s British glam groups (and one Blondie song). I listened to it a lot during the summer of 2006 when I was studying for the bar. It broadened my scope of music (and got me into Thin Lizzy -- thanks guys) and inspired a lot of what I wrote in that book that I haven't finished (which is now over 330 pages and still growing).

7. Kenny Rogers - The Gambler. I'm assuming everyone has that one album that they listened to as a kid that made them love music. For me, it's The Gambler. Hey, I lived in Houston in the late '70s and early '80s. What did you expect? If memory serves me right (and it always does), my dad had made a tape of his Kenny Rogers album, which made it easier for me to listen to. From about age 2 to 7, "The Gambler" was my favorite song, and it made me want to listen to other tapes of records my dad had made, such as Hall & Oates, Air Supply, and Billy Joel. Before I knew it, I was out of touch, making love out of nothing at all, and fucking Christie Brinkley.

8. Marvin Gaye - Every Great Motown Hit. I lost my virginity to this album, or at least a 23-second segment of the 13th song on this album. That was definitely life changing. At least for one of us.

9. Michael Jackson - Thriller. Anyone under the age of 30 in 1982 who says this album didn't change their life is a goddamn liar. Anyone who has ever owned parachute pants who says this album didn't change their life is a goddamn liar. I was 5 when Thriller was released and I have owned at least one pair of parachute pants ever since. Case closed.

10. Culture Club - Colour By Numbers. This is the first tape I ever bought with my own money, and second tape I ever owned behind -- cough -- the Annie soundtrack. Buying it made me realize that, even though I was only 6, I had the power to shape my own musical collection without relying on my parents to buy something for me. Granted, I didn't have a lot of scratch lying around, so I had to save up my allowance to purchase any new music, starting a trend that would last for years to come and cause me to spend nearly all of my disposable income on music. Thank you Boy George.

11. N.W.A. - Straight Outta Compton. Fuck the police? Are you serious? Yes, they were. For all of the shit N.W.A. gets for swearing and misogyny, this album was the most "real" album I had ever heard in my life when I purchased it in 1990. If Appetite for Destruction took my innocence, Straight Outta Compton beat it up, threw it on the ground, put a sawed off to the back of its head, and pulled the trigger without a second thought, broadening my thinking about street life, gangs, drugs, the man, and race relations in the process. I had listened to rap and hip hop before this, but being prompted to "bust a move" or even "put the needle on the record so the drum beat goes like this" is not quite as thought-provoking as "fuck tha police" or "to the kids looking up to me, life ain't nothin' but bitches and money." It's no coincidence that I don't really trust cops anymore, that I have a wife, and that I became a lawyer. Essentially, I'm living the dream that N.W.A. implanted in my head.

12. The White Stripes - White Blood Cells. Before I got this album in 2002, I was in a new music lull. Nothing new (aside from rap and hip hop) really grabbed my attention. But this album inspired me to look at other new artists and to get Rolling Stone, which snowballed into me getting much more music. All of the new rock music I've grown to love in the past 5 years (The Black Keys, The Hold Steady, Kings of Leon, Louis XIV, The Greenhornes, Arctic Monkeys, Kaiser Chiefs, The Killers, etc., etc.) can be traced to how blown away I was by White Blood Cells and the fact that it made me want to see what else was out there.

Honorable Mention: Beastie Boys - License to Ill; The Beatles - Abbey Road; The Doors - The Doors; The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Radio One; Led Zeppelin IV; Outkast - Speakerboxx/The Love Below; Otis Redding - The Very Best of; Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run; Velvet Underground - The Best of the Velvet Underground: Words and Music of Lou Reed; Muddy Waters - Greatest Hits.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Aerosmith Christmas

Friday night, Jester, Ari, Kyla, Alex, and I went to dinner. We attempted to fill our wurst void by going to Laschet's Inn, but we were informed that it would be an hour wait. Fuck that. I could kill a German and make sausage in that time. Thus, we went across the street to O'Donovan's, where I ate too many wings.

After dinner, Alex, Kyla, and Ari left, and Jester and I headed up to The Annoyance Theatre to see An Aerosmith Christmas: A Christmas Wizard Adventure, which is directed by the same guy who directed No Offense, Assh*le. I knew this was going to be a special night as soon as Jessie and I hopped into a cab to head up there, and in the arm rest on the door was a mostly full pack of Benson & Hedges. 100s. Menthol. My favorite minty tobacco combination on the planet.

The show itself was great. Joining us were Australian Andrew and Heather, one of the actresses in NO, A. All of us were big fans of An Aerosmith Christmas. It runs every Friday night at 10 until January 4, and I highly recommend going to see it.

After the show, we hung out for a couple drinks at the Annoyance's bar, and then Heather was nice enough to drop the other 3 of us off at Paddy Long's for some brews. Jessie was overly concerned about a table of douchebags and trixies that in no way impacted our table or drinking experience. Hucker and his ladyfriend Julie showed up, and we closed the bar down. I love when bars kick you out at 1:45, even though they're open until 2. Australian Andrew went off in search of a cab to take him to get a burrito, even though he had consumed three tacos just before the Aerosmith show. The rest of us headed back to our apartment and drank a few beers, since going to bed before 4 on a Friday night is apparently unacceptable to me.

Yesterday I did pretty much nothing, except get that tattoo (more on that when I upload a picture -- rest assured, it's elephant ears on my upper inner thighs) and watch some 3-year-old win a public pissing match with her mom. It was a shitstorm here in Chicago, and by "shit" I mean "snow." I was overjoyed to get 10 1/2 hours of sleep last night, and I probably could have slept for another 12 or 13 had Jessie not been a nazi about me getting out of bed. She's reading an Eva Braun biography, and I've noticed some changes in her behavior lately.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Hey Stellaaaaa!

So I was in Walgreen's about 26 minutes ago, grabbing some Curel to care for the tattoo I got 12 minutes before that (more on that once I take the bandage off and upload a picture). Anywho, I was walking up towards the front of Walgreen's, dreaming of what life would be like as a merman, when I encountered an empty double stroller with a mom standing behind it and her two daughters running rampant by the candy shelves at checkout. One of the girls was about 3 and named Stella, which a lot of people don't realize has been a dog name since the 1960s. Stella had managed to grab a king size Butterfinger, bent it in half (I guess there are two parts) and was gnawing on the outside of the wrapper. Instead of taking the Butterfinger out of Stella's hand and delivering a painful open-handed blow to Stella's mouth, the mom feigned authority and said "Stella, oh my God. What are you doing? Get back in the stroller. Now we'll have to buy that." The mom, of course, made no attempt to put Stella back in the stroller or any attempt to enforce her command, instead choosing to walk away and tend to her other young daughter who was probably named Bailey or Fido or Santa's Little Helper.

Undaunted, Stella continued her assault on the Butterfinger, figuring out that the candy bar itself tastes better than the wrapper. She managed to open the wrapper and toss half of the candy bar on the floor, then she picked it back up and started to eat it. At this point, her mom once again got "mad" at Stella by sternly saying, "Oh my God, Stella. You are being a bad girl. Stop eating that and get in the stroller." Stella, realizing that her mom is about as likely to punish her as I am to fake an orgasm, strutted nonchalantly towards the stroller happily eating the Butterfinger. As expected, the mom did not take the candy bar from Stella, nor did she ensure that Stella actually got into the stroller, nor did she grab Stella and shake her into unconsciousness. Rather, this "mother" walked in the opposite direction to look at a beautiful sale display of handsoap. I had to censor my instinctive reaction to say, "You're a horrible mom, and your child is an unruly monster who would probably behave if you actually put as much effort into punishing her as you do announcing to all of Walgreen's that your daughter is a disobedient malefactor. To you ma'am, I say good day." This woman is why most kids today are assholes. At what point did parents stop parenting? If I tried to pull that shit, my mom or dad would have grabbed the Butterfinger out of my hand and probably paid for it just so they could throw it away in front of me or hit me with it or eat it themselves. For those of you who are reading this who have young children, please do everyone a favor and treat your children like what they are: children. It's okay to yell at them, punish them, and snatch a stolen Butterfinger from them every now and then. Thank God I'm sterile.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

GMYH Hall of Fame Nominations

Well, the votes are in, and here are the nominees for the inaugural class of the GMYH Hall of Fame, in chronological order:

Voting will last for one week. The top 3 vote-getters get the HOF nod. You can vote for multiple posts. Now get out there and help shape history.

Josie's On a Vacation Far Away

Thanks to the Floppy Burrito for this one.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Don't Forget...

To put in your two cents for GMYH Hall of Fame nominations. Before Thursday evening, nominate as many as you want, and I will put the top 5 to a vote. It will be both cathartic and orgasmic.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

No Offense, Assh*le videos

For those of you who didn't get the chance to see No Offense, Assh*le in person, thanks for nothing. You're in luck, however. You can now watch every sketch as many times as you like. The final performance was taped, and since I am generally unsavvy when it comes to digital video splicing, I spent far too long splitting it up and posting every sketch on YouTube. All of the videos are available at Here are the sketches, in the order they ran:

"No One Gets Offended Anymore"

"Gary Spongecake"






"Immaculate Deception"

"No Commitment"


"There's Something About the Virgin Mary"


Thursday, December 06, 2007

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 12/6/07

It's been far too long since I've posted a Midwestern Eavesdropping, so I just wanted to make sure you all know that it has not died and that you should still be submitting your eavesdroppings to me at

Fiftysomething male cab driver, referring to house music that he is blaring: "This is how you take down communism."
--Chicago, somewhere on Lincoln Ave.
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Art Director at an advertising agency: "Well I only went to real college for 1.5 yrs. Then I transferred to art school where everyone smells and loves anime."
--Chicago, Wacker & Dearborn
Eavesdropper: RDC

A guy and a girl at a party discuss a club the guy was involved with in high school:
Girl: "You had something called Plant Lovers Club in high school?"
Guy: "Yeah, it was all stoners and kids with Down Syndrome."
--Chicago, Irving Park & Marshfield
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Crazy chick talking to friend on cell phone about calling some dude: "Uh huh . . . uh huh . . . uh huh . . . no, it only shows up as a missed call, not how many times I called him."
--Chicago, somewhere on Addison
Eavesdropper: Popper

Twentysomething special ed teacher: "I thought Angora was a type of cat."
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Two twentysomething females on L:
Female 1: "I used to want to be an archeologist because I thought it would be cool to dig around in dirt to find old stuff but then I figured I would have to do it the rest of my life."
Female 2: "Plus you'd have to work with old people in hats."
--Chicago, Brown Line train
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething special ed teacher: "I'm afraid of a herd of dolphins attacking our boat."
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Twentysomething female outside bar: "Why is that woman fighting with two short gay men?"
--Chicago, Corcoran's, North & Wells
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Someone not familiar with names of extremely famous baseball stadiums: "Coming up on the left you're going to see Cubs Park."
--Chicago, Addison & Clark
Eavesdropper: Tron

Guy on cell phone, on crowded L train, loudly: "This guy this morning on the L wouldn't stop talking loudly on his phone. It was incredibly annoying."
--Chicago, Brown Line train
Eavesdropper: RDC

Waiter at a Japanese restaurant to table of 10 people sitting in private room: "You guys, if a Mexican comes in here, he has your beer so don't shoot him. He's nice."
--Bloomington, IN, Japanee, 8th & Walnut
Eavesdropper: GMYH

This one falls into the category of not really an eavesdropping, but it's worthy of inclusion anyway:
While I was standing in the security line at a Cook County administration building, I noticed a sign above the security gate with a few dos and don'ts, including this one:
"Disrupted behavior is not allowed."
--Chicago, Sedgwick & Superior
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thanks, as always, to everyone who contributed. I am going to try to once again make this a weekly (or at least bi-weekly) thing, so please keep your ears open. I love you all.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

GMYH Hall of Fame Nominations

After my "I Hate Purdue" post, I got several comments, including one from "Begrudgingly Boilermaker," who suggested that I include the post in my "GMYH Classic" section on the sidebar. The GMYH Classic posts are back-dated posts about subjects/events from before I started GMYH, so "Classic" relates to the fact that those are things I would have posted had I had a blog before August 27, 2005.

However, given that I have had this abomination I call a blog for over 2 years now and given that I occasionally write things that a small (and disturbed) fraction of the readers find funny, I think it's time to establish a GMYH Hall of Fame. With all the crap that I post, new visitors to GMYH should be given some sort of guidance as to the cream of the crop.

Thus, every couple months, I will ask you guys to nominate a post for the GMYH Hall of Fame. Then we will put it up for a vote, and the top vote getter will be enshrined. There are no rules about how old the post must be, and for the first "class," I'll take the top 3 vote getters.

So with that, post a comment below about what posts you think I should consider. I'll then take the top 5 of those -- the inaugural GMYHHOF ballot -- and put up a poll, and then the top 3 vote getters will be enshrined in the inaugural class. This is truly a watershed moment in the history of GMYH, blogging, writing in general, self-aggrandizement, and time.

Playing 13

It's official. IU is going bowling for the first time in 14 years. The Hoosiers will be battling the Oklahoma State Cowboys in the Insight Bowl on New Years Eve. I am unbelievably proud of the team. I know it must have been very hard to lose their head coach over the summer, but Coach Hep is looking down with a giant grin on his face because his dream of playing 13 has come true.

Jester and I will be in Tempe for the game, and thus far so will Wee Wee & Lesli, Jamie, Shepley, Holt, Judson, the Davidsons, and many more. For all you IU fans out there, if you can afford to go -- and you should, since you've had 14 years to save up for this -- you should definitely head out to Tempe to support the team. It's been a long time coming, and hopefully this is the beginning of a more-than-every-14-years stretch of success for IU. But the bottom line is that the Hoosiers will need to put butts in the seats to show that we travel well, so that next year's Rose Bowl will be equal parts IU and Washington fans. That's right, I said it.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

New Book?

I just finished reading Can't Stop Won't Stop: A History of the Hip-Hop Generation by Jeff Chang, and it was pretty good. It essentially traces hip-hop from its origins in the Bronx to the present. I think Chang does a really good job of putting everything into historical perspective, blending the important events of the day and the important events in NYC or LA with how those events impacted hip hop culture and vice versa. I also enjoyed the fact that the book wasn't just about music, but about hip hop culture in general, discussing (in addition to music) graffiti artists, b-boys and other dancers, cultural and political activism, and street gangs, among other hip-hop-related topics. The parts about the gangs were good, mainly since street gangs are always interesting. I also thoroughly enjoyed the section on N.W.A. My only complaint is that there was practically nothing on Tupac or Biggy.

I'm not sure what I'm going to read next. Maybe some literotica to freak everyone on the train out. Or turn them on.

Drew P

I've been largely silent about the whole Drew and Stacy Peterson fiasco. Frankly, I don't give a shit whether or not (1) she's dead, (2) he killed her, or (3) he killed his third wife. He's obviously an asshole, based on the interviews I've seen with him and his general demeanor. Nonetheless, they haven't found a body or charged him with anything. Just because he an enormous dickhead doesn't necessarily make him a murderer.

Now the latest in the story is that a clergy member has come forward -- anonymously, of course -- to say that, in August, Stacy told him that Drew killed his third wife and made it look like an accident.

Here's what I find troubling about this anonymous clergy member spilling his guts:
(1) There is something called the priest-penitent privilege, which means that any communications between clergy members are privileged and confidential, so long as the communications are made to (or from) the clergy member when he or she is acting in his or her professional capacity as a spiritual adviser and for the purpose of seeking (or dispensing) religious counsel or advice. This privilege is not the clergy members' to waive. Rather, the person seeking the clergy member's advice is the only party who can waive this privilege. Thus, this anonymous clergyman had no business divulging the details of his conversation with Stacy, assuming of course the communications occurred in the course of Stacy seeking religious counsel or advice (which I'm guessing they did). Granted, there are exceptions to any rule about privileged communications. For instance, if a child reveals that he or she is being abused, the priest is obligated to report it, or if the penitent threatens to harm or kill someone, then the priest can report it. The communications between Stacy and her priest, however, doesn't seem to fall within any exception, which means the priest should have kept his yap shut. Furthermore, if it did in fact fall within an exception, then priest should have alerted the authorities immediately, and not waited over 3 months and anonymously told a Sun-Times reporter.
(2) If Drew told Stacy that he had killed his third wife and made it look like an accident, why the hell did she stay with him after that? Why didn't she tell the police? Why didn't she tell her family? My only thought is that perhaps it was an abusive relationship, and she was scared. However, I don't think there have been any allegations that Stacy and Drew's marriage was an abusive one (which obviously doesn't mean that it wasn't).

And the other new twist to the story is that Drew Peterson paid a relative to remove a giant rectangular box from his house the day Stacy disappeared. Of course the relative told a friend that it had to be Stacy's body in there "because it was warm." As we all know, dead bodies emit lots of heat, so this makes perfect sense. I tend to agree with Trib columnist Eric Zorn when he asks the legitimate question, "How dumb do we think Drew Peterson is?" He was a police sergeant familiar with homicide investigations. Why the hell would he hire someone to remove his dead wife's body from his house?

I have found one piece of evidence that implicates Drew Peterson. In 1988, Guns N' Roses released the GN'R Lies album, which includes a song called "Used to Love Her" with the following lyrics:
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I had to put her
Six feet under
And I can still hear her complain

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I knew I miss her
So I had to keep her
She's buried right in my back yard

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
She bitched so much
She drove me nuts
And now I'm happier this way

Before today, I had never put 2 and 2 together, but think about this: when Guns N' Roses released this song, Drew Peterson's third and fourth wives were still alive (granted, Stacy was 4 at the time). Drew Peterson was also alive in 1988, and he may have heard this song. And now, a mere 19 years later, his third and fourth wives are dead. As if that alone wasn't enough to convict him, "Used to Love Her" is the 6th song on the album. 666, number of the beast. Hello! The beast is Drew Peterson. Drew Peterson is the devil. Think about it.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Bo Knows How To Kill Bears, Alienate Fans

Have you been wondering what Bo Jackson is up to? Neither had I, until I read this article at The first few 3 paragraphs are phenomenal. If he can take down the Boz at point blank range, why not a bear? The rest of the article is good, too. If you're like me -- and pray to your God that I'm not -- you were in awe of Bo Jackson when he was still playing, whether it was baseball or football. Aside from the bear-killing part of the article, I especially enjoy the fact that his wife wished to keep the name of the hospital where she works out of the article "because some of her colleagues do not know she is Bo Jackson's spouse." Nice work.

Co-worker: "Hey, Linda Jackson, why do you have that picture on your desk of Bo Jackson? Is he a relative of yours?"
Linda Jackson: "Who? I don't have any pictures on my desk. And if I did, they certainly wouldn't be of someone I've never met, heard of, or been married to for over 20 years."
Co-worker (pointing to picture): "But that picture right there is Bo Jackson. Number 34. Auburn."
Linda Jackson: "No it's not. I've never owned a picture of, met, or married anyone who was a Heisman winner and who ran a 4.18 40-yard dash at the 1986 NFL combine, but who then postponed his NFL career a year to play Major League Baseball."
Co-worker (pointing to picture): "But what about that one right there? He's wearing a tuxedo and you're wearing a wedding dress."
Linda Jackson: "What? No. No I'm not. It's one of those old-timely novelty pictures. Jackson's a common last name. That's not Bo Jackson. That's not me. I'm not married. Bo Jackson is probably dead. The man in the picture is a different Bo Jackson than the famous one, even though they look, talk, and act the exact same and are both former professional two-sport athletes who broke bats over their knees and rushed for 221 yards against the Seattle Seahawks in a Monday Night Football game on November 30, 1987. Is it hot in here? My name isn't even Linda. My husband's name is spelled B-E-A-U. He's a white French sculptor by day who hunts humans with compound bows by night. And you will be next on his list if this inquisition continues, that is, if I had a husband."

Here is another solid excerpt:
You want to see that anger bubble and boil? Go up to Bo and put your arm around him. He hates that -- strangers touching him, strangers who want to arm-wrestle, strangers who think they know him because they saw an advertisement 20 years ago. At one point, to demonstrate, he took my wrist in his hand and twisted, ever so gently.

It was enough.

"You've really got to get under my skin to get me to snap," he says. "But if I snap, God help you."
After reading this article, I am scared shitless of ever meeting Bo Jackson. I wouldn't know what to do. I mean, it's Bo fucking Jackson -- probably the greatest pure athlete our generation has known -- so I would have to at least say hi. At that point, though, things could go sour. I could try to run away, but there's no point because he would undoubtedly either (1) shoot me through the skull with a poison-tipped arrow (interesting tidbit: the poison is actually his own blood), or (2) catch me, since I'm guessing that, even at 45 and with a replacement hip, his 40 time is at least a half-second better than mine (I'm fast, but not that fast), and once he caught me, in his words, "God help [me]." I'm guessing he would -- in one swift and fluid movement -- palm my head, toss me in the air and catch me on the way down sideways, then literally snap me in half over his knee, and before so much as a drop of blood appeared, he would have already crushed my remains into a diamond with his bare hands. By the way, I think I know the Chicago suburb and gated community where he resides, and if you think for a second that I'm not going to the grave with that information, please look at this picture:
The man hunts in three-piece suits, people.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

All I Want For Christmas Is Taylor Townsend

Ahhh, The OC, how I miss thee. Jaleh sent me this link to a lengthy TV Guide online interview with Josh Schwartz. Among the topics discussed are the brand new The OC complete series box set. That's right, all four seasons and a ton of bonus features, such as a booklet, documentary, bloopers, bonus scenes, and commentary, all wrapped in a sharp-looking package that screams, "welcome to The OC, bitch." Possibly the greatest line in television history.

Monday, November 26, 2007


In the interest of ridding the world of prostate cancer, Christoff has decided to complete his "creepiest guy in the bar" look by growing a handlebar mustache. This, he feels, should be enough for you to donate money to fight prostate cancer. Since I generally support mustache-growing-centered events and generally refuse to support cancer of the penis, I think you should help the "Men of Movember." Here are the details, from the child-molesting fingers of the man himself:

"For those of you who aren't Australian, a 'Mo is Aussie slang for Moustache, and during the month of Movember, men from around the globe are being encouraged to grow moustaches in an attempt to raise awareness, and more importantly money, for the fight against prostate cancer.

So if you hate the uncontrollable growth of cells as much as I do, head to, take a look around, and make a donation. Feel free to check back often as pictures are taken daily to chart the inverse relationship between the quality of our 'staches and our remaining dignity.

All kidding aside though, for those of you who don't know, my dad actually went through the treatment for prostate cancer highlighted in the "What is Movember" link a little over a year ago. Thanks to the treatment developed through research funded by this kind of donation, he is in excellent health right now. So if you're looking for a Karmic boost, or you're in need of a new calendar for 2008 (yours free with a $10 donation), head to and put your money where your clean shaven mouth is.


So if you like cancer, then don't donate. I bet National Wine & Spirits doesn't donate.

The Return of Bell's to Chicago, Kind Of, Maybe

After over a year of being out of Illinois, Bell's Brewing, Inc. is trying its damnedest to return to Illinois. I think I speak for Bell's lovers everywhere when I say that National Wine & Spirits can burn in the depths of hell right next to Bill Wirtz if they prevent Bell's from returning. Has no one at National Wine & Spirits ever sat in a beer garden on a warm July afternoon in Chicago and sipped an Oberon? Because I have, and, outside of a heroin-induced orgasm, there is not a much better feeling in the world. For the love of God, just let Bell's come back.

The Beginning of The End

Riot Eternally Quieted

Hair band aficionados, such as myself, are in a state of mourning today. As I'm sure you know by now, Kevin DuBrow, former lead singer of Quiet Riot was found dead yesterday in his Las Vegas home. Thanks to Tradd for the link and ruining my life.

Bowl Scenarios, Part III

Some good things happened this past week for IU's bowl scenarios.

The big talk now is what will happen if Oklahoma beats Missouri in the Big 12 title game, since that could push Ohio State into the BCS title game and possibly move Illinois into the Rose Bowl. As absolutely horrifying as both of those possibilities sound, it could mean good things for IU, as it might push them up to the Champs Sports Bowl.

Since bowl bids will likely not be given out until after the BCS bowl bids are handed out (12/2), we have a week to speculate.

The main thing that IU has to worry about now are 7-5 teams that have been shut out of their conference bowl slots. Currently there are only 2 non-Big-Ten at-large teams that are 7-5: Western Kentucky and TCU. In addition, Florida Atlantic can become 7-5 with a win at Troy.

Several teams have accepted bowl bids already.

Here are the leagues that have bowl tie-ins that might not have enough bowl-eligible teams, and the teams that are bowl eligible or that can still become bowl eligible:

ACC (8 bowl tie-ins)
8 bowl eligible: Virginia (9-3), Virginia Tech (10-2), BC (10-2), Clemson (9-3), Wake Forest (8-4), FSU (7-5), Georgia Tech (7-5), Maryland (6-6)
0 at-large teams

Unless the ACC gets 2 BCS berths (which is unlikely), all of the ACC's bowl slots will be taken. However, they will not have any 7-5 at-large teams.

Big East (6 bowl tie-ins, although 2 are shared with the Big 12)
5 bowl eligible: Connecticut (9-3), West Virginia (10-1), Cincinnati (9-3), South Florida (9-3), Rutgers (7-4)
1 team that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games)
Louisville - 5-6 (Rutgers 11/29)
0 at-large teams

West Virginia will go to the BCS, leaving 5 slots for 4 teams. Louisville has a very tough home game against Rutgers to clinch a bowl berth. The five current bowl-eligible teams are the only teams from the Big East likely to go to a bowl. As noted above, the Big East and Big 12 share some bowl affiliations (the Sun Bowl and the Gator Bowl). The Sun Bowl can choose a Big 12 team twice or a Big East team (or Notre Dame, but that's not an issue) twice between 2006 and 2009. The Gator Bowl can also choose a Big East team, a Big 12 team, or Notre Dame, but doesn't appear to have any restrictions on who it chooses.

Big 12 (8 bowl tie-ins)
8 bowl eligible: Kansas (11-1), Missouri (11-1), Oklahoma (10-2), Texas (9-3), Texas Tech (8-4), Texas A&M (7-5), Oklahoma State (6-6), Colorado (6-6)
0 at-large teams

Between Kansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma, the Big 12 could get 2 BCS bids, which will leave 7 other bowls for 6 remaining currently bowl-eligible teams. Thus, the Texas Bowl (reserved for the #8 team from the Big 12) should be able to take an at-large team.

Conference USA (6 bowl tie-ins)
6 bowl eligible: UCF (9-3), Tulsa (9-3), Houston (8-4), East Carolina (7-5), Memphis (7-5), Southern Miss (7-5)
0 at-large teams

C-USA will fill all 6 of its slots with no extra at-large teams. In fact, three teams have already accepted bowl bids: Memphis (New Orleans Bowl), Houston (Texas Bowl), and Southern Miss ( Bowl).

2 bowl eligible: Navy (7-4), Western Kentucky (7-5)
1 at-large team: Western Kentucky

Navy has already accepted a bid to the Poinsettia Bowl. Western Kentucky will not likely get a bowl bid.

MAC (3 bowl tie-ins):
5 bowl eligible: Bowling Green (8-4), Central Michigan (7-5), Ball State (7-5), Miami (OH) (6-6), Ohio (6-6)
2 at-large teams: Miami (OH), Ohio

The MAC will get its 3 bowl-eligible teams, but will not have any 7-5 at-large teams.

Mountain West (4 bowl tie-ins)
5 bowl eligible: BYU (9-2), Air Force (9-3), Utah (8-4), New Mexico (8-4), TCU (7-5)
1 at-large team: TCU

The MWC will have more than its 4 bowl-eligible teams, and one at-large team with a 7-5 record or better.

Pac-10 (6 bowl tie-ins)
6 bowl eligible: Arizona State (9-2), Oregon (8-3), USC (9-2), Oregon State (7-4), Cal (6-5), UCLA (6-5)
1 team that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games)
Arizona - 5-6 (at Arizona State 12/1)
2 teams that can become 7-5 (with remaining games)
Cal (at Stanford 12/1)
UCLA (at USC 12/1)
0 at-large teams (currently)

UCLA's win over Oregon made it bowl eligible, although it will not likely get to 7-5. There is still an outside shot that the Pac-10 will get 2 BCS bids between Arizona State and USC. If the Pac-10 gets 2 BCS bids, that will leave 4 teams for 5 slots, thus opening the Armed Forces Bowl for an at-large bid.

SEC (8 bowl tie-ins)
10 bowl eligible: LSU (10-2), Georgia (10-2), Florida (9-3), Tennessee (9-3), Auburn (8-4), Arkansas (8-4), Kentucky (7-5), Mississippi State (7-5), South Carolina (6-6), Alabama (6-6)
1 or 2 at-large teams: South Carolina and/or Alabama

The SEC will likely get 2 BCS bids (probably LSU and Georgia), leaving 7 bowl slots for 8 bowl-eligible teams. However, there will not be any 7-5 at-large teams from the SEC.

Sun Belt (1 bowl tie-in)
1 bowl eligible: Troy (8-3), Florida Atlantic (6-5), UL-Monroe (6-6)
1 team that can become 7-5 (with remaining games):
Florida Atlantic 6-5 (at Troy 12/1)
2 at-large teams: FAU, UL-Monroe

Not that we would need to worry about an at-large FAU team, but it looks like they won't get to 7 wins anyway.

WAC (3 bowl tie-ins):
3 bowl-eligible: Hawaii (11-0), Boise State (10-2), Fresno State (7-4)
2 teams that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games):
Nevada - 5-6 (Louisiana Tech 12/1)
Louisiana Tech - 5-6 (at Nevada 12/1)
1 at-large team: either Nevada or La Tech

If Hawaii finishes undefeated and goes to a BCS bowl, that will free up a WAC bowl if they don't have 3 other bowl-eligible teams, meaning that the WAC's bowl slots will be full if Nevada or La Tech wins a 6th game. Given that they play each other, it is mathematically impossible for both teams to end up at 5-7. However, the winner of that game will be 6-6, so an at-large berth is not an issue on the off chance that Hawaii doesn't finish 12-0.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Wurst of Times, Bonus Feature: Bavarian Eavesdropping

During our week in Munich, the combination of beer and being surrounded by Germans and German shit made for some good eavesdropping. Rather than conform to the anonymous strictures of Midwestern Eavesdropping, Bavarian Eavesdropping will just come right out and tell you who said what.

Jester at the Augustiner (upon seeing some roses): "I don't want any, but if I was a horse and I won a race I would want all of them."

Drunk Virginia Tech guy at Augustiner, discussing the Hofbrauhaus with other Americans: "Yeah, it's over by the church. It's like this big beer hall, and everyone gets drunk."

Kyla: "What's your name?"
Norwegian man: "Toto."
Kyla: "Wait, that's your name?"
Norwegian: "I'm not a fucking monkey."

Kyla at Oktoberfest: "I'll give you a shot of penis."

Liz: "I wish I knew what 'give it to me' in German was."

Sarah, discussing waitress's bosom at Braurosl tent: "Those are the most impressive things I've seen this trip."

Kyla: "We want to have fun; we want to show you our boobs."

Liz: "I never knew what guilt was until I had it."

Ari, walking down main promenade near Marienplatz: "Act like you're German. Act like you hate me or want to shoot me or hang me by my wrists."

Jester: "I'm built like a 14 year old boy and I'll take it."

Toto: "In the shower, you must bend over."

Kyla, discussing out waiter Gunther at the Augustiner tent: "He has a wealth of knowledge. We need to tap that."

Leslie: "I don't think I can fit that much in my dirndl."

Kyla: "If meat were fruit I could order whatever I wanted."

Jer, about Brazilians and AIDS: "They may not have started it, but they spread the shit out of it."

Kyla: "It's so sour."
Someone: "What's so sour?"
Kyla: "Sauerkraut."

Sarah, discussing Christmas: "There's Scrooge and then there's me."

Kyla, after discussing the fact that she had sex twice: "Man, I gotta stretch my legs. My butt's sore."

Kyla: "We should have a shart-off."

Kyla: "Wait, don't the Germans make chocolate? Is Fannie Mae German? (several seconds later) Feels like vagina."

GMYH, when asked if he would care if Christoff were to have sex with GMYH's eldest sister-in-law: "I wouldn't care if Christoff fucked her. It's not my pussy."

Kyla: "Am I gonna be that girl like on Flavor Flav who shits herself onstage. I've been close."

Kyla (discussing dirndls): "I'm gonna give Alex some dirndl head once I get on."

Gregerson: "My piss has a head on it."

Kyla: "My passport was in my back pocket, and it's wet from me sweating last night."

Sarah, with Chandler bouncing her on his knee: "You felt like my mother there for a second."

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Wurst of Times, Epilogue

I took Monday 10/1 off, so I could regroup and such. Jester and I had an excellent wurst-and-pork-knuckle-free breakfast at the S&G Diner. As expected, on my L ride to work Tuesday morning, the woman standing next to me fainted and pissed herself.

After a week in Munich during Oktoberfest, I make the following suggestions:
1. Bring multivitamins because there are no vegetables in Munich.
2. If you are a female, buy a dirndl and wear it indiscriminately (technically this applies whether or not you are in Munich or it is Oktoberfest).
3. Drink stillvasser.
4. Always carry a hotel key.
5. Drinking contests are encouraged and should be videotaped.

In conclusion, if you like beer and you like fun, then Oktoberfest is for you. It's definitely something everyone who likes beer and fun should do once in their lives. Or maybe twice. You see folks, 2010 is the bicentennial for Oktoberfest, and I smell a return visit. Evite pending. Hopefully the 35 months' notice will give those of you with children plenty of time to find a babysitter and those of you without the ability to reproduce plenty of time to harden your liver in anticipation.

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Wurst of Times, Part IX: Sunday 9/30

Sunday morning at 9:30, we checked out of Pension Seibel and headed for the flughafen, although this time we took a tram to the S-Bahn, rather than once again disrupt Bavarians' day by traipsing across cobblestone with rolling suitcases.

Not everyone was going back to the States. Chandler went to Amsterdam (maybe) for business (maybe). 19 1/2 years after first seeing Bloodsport, Jer left for Brussels, finally completing his long-awaited pilgrimage to Jean-Claude Van Damme's birthplace. As it is the underworld, you gotta keep your balls protected. I can only hope he threw some dust in some Belgian's eyes. Inspired by Jer's often deafening praise for Van Damme, Liz also went to Brussels, choosing to stay several miles from Jer on the off chance that associating with him would result in her once again being sucked into the world of the Kumite, or forced to fight some dude with a shaved head and an ass-length braided ponytail with fists covered in broken glass, or, worse yet, turned into a cyborg. No word on whether Jer was discovered in his hotel room doing the splits sideways, feet resting on two chairs, while he calmly read a book on Flemish history.

For the US Airways group (and all others traveling internationally at the airport), the trip through the flughafen was long and arduous. There must have been 43 different security checkpoints. Fucking Nazis.

The flight back was nearly ruined by technical problems with the in-flight entertainment system. They had to reset it several times, much to the dismay of every single passenger. Mutiny was avoided, luckily. I watched Blades of Glory again, as well as the Spartan propaganda film, 300. I was pleasantly surprised at the carnage and bare breasts 300 offered. Nice work, US Airways.

In addition, I actually arose from my seat on at least one occasion on the flight back. Over the course of the week, the DVT lobby had sufficiently indoctrinated me. And good thing I listened, too, because it's been nearly two months and I STILL have no blood clots in my legs.

We arrived in Philly right before 4pm local time, which was key, since the late NFL games were all about to start. Of course, my trusty Blackberry, which finally worked for the first time in a week, informed me that the Bears managed to let the Lions score not 1, not 2, but 34 points in the fourth quarter. No, not actual lions, either. I'm talking about the Detroit Lions. Nice work.

Not knowing what else to do, most of us went to a sports bar and ordered some beers. Bohmann even had the balls to order Sam Adams Octoberfest.
The layover was several hours long, which wasn't so bad given the aforementioned football. We arrived in Chicago around 9:30, and Gregerson, TG, and I took a cab back to my pad. I cried myself to sleep that night, but I once I was out, I slept like a fetus, dreaming of dirndls, wurst, and stillvasser. What a week.

Monday, November 19, 2007


Oh, what a weekend for the IU fan.

Saturday, Jester and I headed down to Bloomington for the sold-out Old Oaken Bucket game. As I'm sure you know by now, IU beat Purdue to bring their record to 7-5 and all but secure a bowl bid for the first time in 14 years, realizing Terry Hoeppner's dream of playing a 13th game. I am pumped, as you might imagine, and you better damn well believe that I am going to whichever bowl the Hoosiers play in.

Here is an accurate representation of the energy in Memorial Stadium when Austin Starr kicked the game winning 49-yard field goal:

As if that wasn't enough of a kick in the proverbial dick for the Boilermakers, on Sunday, in the NCAA women's soccer tournament, IU beat the #2 seed Purdue in West Lafayette to advance to the Sweet 16. As with every weekend, it was a bad weekend to be a Boilermaker.

Then, thanks to a very nice IU fan named Aaron who emailed me with complimentary things to say about my "I Hate Purdue" post, I learned that if you Google "fuck purdue," Give Me Your Handrew is the very first result. I've never been more proud of anything in my life. Fuck Purdue.

And to top it all off, Jester roasted one hell of a chicken tonight for dinner. Things are finally looking up for me.

New Poll: IU Bowl

Despite the angry backlash from last week's "favorite season" poll, a record 28 people chimed in, with fall being the clear favorite, taking 67% of the votes, compared to 14% each for spring and summer and 3% for winter.

Anywho, now that IU finished the regular season at 7-5, the Hoosiers are going bowling. It's just a matter of where. So, where do you think they will end up? The Insight Bowl, the Motor City Bowl, the Armed Forces Bowl, the Texas Bowl, or the Las Vegas Bowl?**

**Sorry to the non-IU fans, but IU hasn't been in a bowl since 1993, so I'm obviously a bit excited about it.

Bowl Scenarios, Part II

Well, IU beat the Purdouchebags, securing a 7-5 record and Coach Hoeppner's dream of playing a thirteenth game. But where, you ask? Loyal reader, that's what I'm trying to figure out myself.

Here are the final Big Ten standings (with the teams' Big Ten records and overall records):
1. Ohio State, 7-1, 11-1
2 (tie). Michigan, 6-2, 8-4
2 (tie). Illinois, 6-2, 9-3
4. Wisconsin, 5-3, 9-3
5 (tie). Penn State, 4-4, 8-4
5 (tie). Iowa, 4-4, 6-6
7 (tie). Indiana, 3-5, 7-5
7 (tie). Michigan State, 3-5, 7-5
7 (tie). Purdue, 3-5, 7-5
7 (tie). Northwestern, 3-5, 6-6
11. Minnesota, 0-8, 1-11

For those of you who don't know, here are the Big Ten bowl tie-ins:
1 - Rose
2 - Capital One
3 - Outback
4/5 - Alamo
4/5 - Champs Sports
6 - Insight
7 - Motor City

Ohio State (currently 5th in the BCS) will go to the Rose Bowl (unless several losses occur and it ends up playing in the BCS title game). However, for the remainder of the Big Ten's bowl, the finishing place does not necessarily correspond with the bowl game because all it means is that the respective bowls get to select Big Ten teams in that order. Thus, the Outback bowl doesn't have to choose the 3rd place Big Ten team; it just gets 3rd choice of the Big Ten's bowl-eligible teams. In addition, a bowl must choose a 7-5 team over a 6-6 team, regardless of the teams' finishing position. Thus, IU, MSU, and Purdue must be chosen before Iowa, even though Iowa finished with a better Big Ten record.

Currently, CBS Sportsline,,, and the Chicago Tribune have IU going to the Insight Bowl.'s bowl projections don't come out until Tuesday, but last week they had IU going to the Motor City Bowl.

Bowl bids will likely not be given out until the first week of December, after the BCS bowl bids are handed out. Thus, we have 2 weeks to speculate.

Also, bowl-eligible teams that do not finish in the top seven of the Big Ten standings have a chance to go to non-Big-Ten-affiliated bowls if there are not enough bowl-eligible teams from the conferences affiliated with those bowls. For instance, the #6 team from the Pac-10 goes to the Armed Forces Bowl, but if there are only 5 bowl-eligible teams from the Pac-10, then the Armed Forces Bowl can give a bid to any bowl-eligible team. In addition to the Armed Forces Bowl, here are a couple other bowls that may have open slots:
-International Bowl (Big East vs. MAC)
-Texas Bowl (Big 12 #8 vs. C-USA #6)
-Independence (Big 12 #7 vs. SEC)
-Humanitarian (WAC vs. ACC #8)
-Las Vegas (Pac-10 #5 vs. MWC #1)

With respect to the BCS bowls, the champions of selected conferences are contractually committed to certain bowls, unless they are # 1 or 2 in the BCS: ACC - Orange; Big Ten - Rose; Big 12 - Fiesta; Pac-10 - Rose; SEC - Sugar). If a BCS bowl loses a host team to the title game, then the bowl gets first choice at a replacement team. Non-BCS schools can earn bids if ranked in the top 12 of the final BCS Standings or ranked ahead of a BCS conference champ.

The main thing that IU has to worry about now are 7-5 teams that have been shut out of their conference bowl slots. Currently there are 14 teams that are either 6-4, 6-5, or 5-5 (as well as Western Kentucky, which is an Independent and 7-4), all of which can still possibly become 7-5 and put themselves into the at-large mix.

Here are the leagues that have bowl tie-ins that might not have enough bowl-eligible teams, and the teams that are bowl eligible or that can still become bowl eligible (i.e., these are the teams you should all be rooting against in hopes that IU goes to a bowl):

ACC (8 bowl tie-ins)
7 bowl eligible: Virginia (9-2), Virginia Tech (9-2), BC (9-2), Clemson (8-3), Wake Forest (7-4), FSU (7-4), Georgia Tech (7-4)
3 teams that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games):
NC State - 5-6 (Maryland 11/24)
Miami (FL) - 5-6 (at BC 11/24)
Maryland - 5-6 (at NC State 11/24)
0 more teams that can become 7-5

The ACC will get at least one more bowl-eligible team because NC State and Maryland play each other. Thus, unless the ACC gets 2 BCS berths (which is unlikely), all of the ACC's bowl slots will be taken. However, they will not have any 7-5 at-large teams. If you're wondering -- and I know you are -- the last time IU had a better record than Miami was 1979.

Big East (6 bowl tie-ins, although 2 are shared with the Big 12)
5 bowl eligible: Connecticut (9-2), West Virginia (9-1), Cincinnati (8-3), South Florida (8-3), Rutgers (7-4)
2 teams that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games)
Pittsburgh - 4-6 (South Florida 11/24; at West Virginia 12/1)
Louisville - 5-6 (Rutgers 11/29)
0 more teams that can become 7-5

The winner of this Saturday's UConn/West Virginia game will go to the BCS, leaving 5 slots for 4 teams. Pittsburgh will likely lose at least one of its final two games. Louisville has a very tough home game against Rutgers to clinch a bowl berth. The five current bowl-eligible teams are the only teams from the Big East likely to go to a bowl. As noted above, the Big East and Big 12 share some bowl affiliations (the Sun Bowl and the Gator Bowl). The Sun Bowl can choose a Big 12 team twice or a Big East team (or Notre Dame, but that's not an issue) twice between 2006 and 2009. The Gator Bowl can also choose a Big East team, a Big 12 team, or Notre Dame, but doesn't appear to have any restrictions on who it chooses.

Big 12 (8 bowl tie-ins)
7 bowl eligible: Kansas (11-0), Missouri (10-1), Oklahoma (9-2), Texas (9-2), Texas Tech (8-4), Texas A&M (6-5), Oklahoma State (6-5)
4 teams that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games):
Kansas State - 5-6 (at Fresno State 11/24)
Colorado - 5-6 (Nebraska 11/23)
Nebraska - 5-6 (at Colorado 11/23)
2 teams that can become 7-5 (with remaining games):
Texas A&M (Texas 11/23)
Oklahoma State (at Oklahoma 11/24)

Between Kansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma, the Big 12 will likely get 2 BCS bids, which will leave 7 other bowls for 5 currently bowl-eligible teams and the 3 other possibly bowl-eligible teams. The winner of the Colorado/Nebraska game will go to a bowl, while the loser will not. If K-State loses to Fresno State (which is currently 6-4), then the Texas Bowl will be able to take an at-large team. Given that Texas A&M and Oklahoma State are already slated to go to bowls, and that there will not be more teams from the Big 12 than bowl slots, there is no worry about 7-5 at-large teams from the Big 12. In case you're wondering -- and I know you are -- the last time IU had a better record than Nebraska was 1968.

Conference USA (6 bowl tie-ins)
6 bowl eligible: UCF (8-3), Tulsa (8-3), Houston (7-4), East Carolina (6-5), Memphis (6-5), Southern Miss (6-5)
0 teams that can become bowl eligible.

C-USA will fill all 6 of its slots with no extra at-large teams.

2 bowl eligible: Navy (7-4), Western Kentucky (7-4)
0 teams that can become bowl eligible or 7-5.

Navy has already accepted a bid to the Poinsettia Bowl. Western Kentucky will not likely get a bowl bid, despite its 87-0 drubbing of West Virginia Tech in Week 2. If you're wondering -- and I know you are -- the last time IU had a better record than Notre Dame was 1986.

MAC (3 bowl tie-ins):
4 bowl eligible: Bowling Green (7-4), Central Michigan (6-5), Miami (OH) (6-5), Ball State (6-5)
2 teams that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games):
Toledo - 5-6 (at Bowling Green 11/23)
Ohio - 5-6 (Miami (OH) 11/24)
3 teams that can become 7-5 (with remaining games):
Central Michigan (at Akron 11/23)
Miami (OH) (at Ohio 11/24)
Ball State (at Northern Illinois 11/24)

The MAC will get its 3 bowl-eligible teams, and if all 3 6-5 teams win their final games (which is very possible), then the MAC will have one 7-5 at-large team. There is not much worry, however, because it is highly unlikely that a MAC school would get an at-large bowl berth over a BCS conference school.

Mountain West (4 bowl tie-ins)
5 bowl eligible: BYU (8-2), Air Force (9-3), Utah (8-3), New Mexico (7-4), TCU (6-5)
2 teams that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games):
San Diego St. - 4-6 (TCU 11/24; BYU 12/1)
Wyoming - 5-6 (at Colorado State 11/23)
1 team that can become 7-5 (with remaining game)
TCU (at SDSU 11/24)

The MWC will have more than its 4 bowl-eligible teams, but only one possible at-large 7-5 team (if TCU wins its final game). If TCU does win, there is the possibility that one of the bowls in Texas would take them. The Armed Forces Bowl is played on their home field (I think), and the Texas Bowl is just down I-45 in Houston.

Pac-10 (6 bowl tie-ins)
5 bowl eligible: Arizona State (9-1), Oregon (8-2), USC (8-2), Oregon State (7-4), Cal (6-5)
2 teams that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games)
UCLA - 5-5 (Oregon 11/24; at USC 12/1)
Arizona - 5-6 (at Arizona State 12/1)
2 teams that can become 7-5 (with remaining games)
Cal (at Stanford 12/1)
UCLA (see above)

UCLA and Arizona will likely lose their remaining games, knocking them out of bowl contention. Thus, there will only be 5 bowl-eligible teams from the Pac-10, with possibly 2 BCS bids between Oregon, Arizona State, and USC. If the Pac-10 gets 2 BCS bids, that will leave 3 teams for 5 slots, thus opening the Las Vegas Bowl and the Armed Forces Bowl for at-large bids. Obviously, since the Pac-10 will not be able to fill its bowl slots, there is no worry about 7-5 at-large teams.

SEC (8 bowl tie-ins)
10 bowl eligible: LSU (10-1), Georgia (9-2), Florida (8-3), Tennessee (8-3), Kentucky (7-4), Auburn (7-4), Arkansas (7-4), South Carolina (6-5), Alabama (6-5), Mississippi State (6-5)
1 team that can become bowl eligible (with remaining game):
Vanderbilt - 5-6 (Wake Forest 11/24)
3 teams that can become 7-5 (with remaining games)
South Carolina (Clemson 11/24)
Alabama (at Auburn 11/24)
Mississippi State (Ole Miss 11/23)

The SEC will likely get 2 BCS bids (probably LSU and Georgia), leaving 7 bowl slots for 8 bowl-eligible teams. Even if all of the teams that can become 7-5 do so, then only 1 or 2 SEC teams would be at-large and 7-5 (depending on whether 2 SEC teams get BCS bids). Most likely, though, Alabama will lose to Auburn, dropping them out of the at-large mix. Mississippi State should Ole Miss. South Carolina/Clemson will be a good game as always. If the Gamecocks win, that will put them at 7-5, leaving Alabama as the only at-large team in the SEC, but the Tide will be 6-6, so it won't matter. If you're wondering -- and I know you are -- the last time IU had a better record than Alabama was 1987 (not counting 1993, when Alabama's 9-3 record was wiped out due to NCAA sanctions).

Sun Belt (1 bowl tie-in)
1 bowl eligible: Troy (7-3)
1 team that can become 7-5 (with remaining games):
Florida Atlantic 5-5 (at FIU 11/24; at Troy 12/1)

Not that we would need to worry about an at-large FAU team, but it looks like they won't get to 7 wins anyway.

WAC (3 bowl tie-ins):
3 bowl-eligible: Hawaii (10-0), Boise State (10-1), Fresno State (6-4)
2 teams that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games):
Nevada - 5-5 (at San Jose State 11/24; Louisiana Tech 12/1)
Louisiana Tech - 5-6 (San Jose State 11/17; at Nevada 12/1)
2 teams that can become 7-5 (with remaining games)
Fresno State (Kansas State 11/24; at New Mexico State 11/30)
Nevada (see above)

If Hawaii finishes undefeated and goes to a BCS bowl, that will free up a WAC bowl if they don't have 3 other bowl-eligible teams, meaning that the WAC's bowl slots will be full if Nevada or La Tech wins a 6th game. Given that they play each other, it is mathematically impossible for both teams to end up at 5-7. If Nevada and Fresno State finish 7-5, one of them would be a 7-5 at-large team. As with the MAC, it is unlikely a bowl would give a berth to a WAC team over a BCS conference team.

In case you're wondering -- and I know you are -- the last time IU had a better record than Alabama, Miami (FL), Nebraska, and Notre Dame all in the same season was 1967, when IU went to the Rose Bowl and finished with a 9-2 record, while Alabama went 8-2-1, Miami went 7-4, Nebraska went 6-4, and Notre Dame went 8-2.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

I Hate Purdue

"I don't like to use the word 'hate,' but I'm not a fan of that school . . ."
--IU senior fullback Josiah Sears, when asked what the IU/Purdue game means to him
"Hate" is okay to use here, Josiah. The Old Oaken Bucket game is coming up on Saturday. For the first time since 1980, both IU and Purdue have winning records coming into the Bucket game, and the game actually has bowl implications for both schools. While thinking about all of this, I was reminded of something: I fucking hate Purdue. Unlike Josiah, I love using the word "hate" when appropriate, and it's very appropriate when it comes to Purdue. I hate Purdue more than the Packers, more than Hinsdale Central, more than Illinois, more than Notre Dame, more than the Cubs, more than Steely Dan, and yes Hess, more than AIDS. This primal hatred is sometimes overpowering. Shepley and the many pint glasses and file cabinets that met their fate at his hands during IU/Purdue basketball games know what I'm talking about, and it's time you did too. The simple fact is that there is nothing to like about Purdue.

Founded by a man who was denied a professorship at IU, Purdue offers nothing of value to society. The piss-yellow jerseys, the chronic underachievement in every facet of life, the inability to comprehend the word "facet." Frankly, Purdue annoys the shit out of me. It's the less-talented, bastard younger sibling of the Indiana state university system; the Edward M. to IU's John F.; the Ashlee to IU's Jessica; the Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County to IU's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn; the World According to Jim to IU's late 70s era SNL. By state charter, IU gets a law school, a med school, a world-renowned music school, Olympic heroes, a beautiful campus filled with buildings made from the same limestone that built the Empire State Building and the Pentagon, a completely ambiguous mascot, and gorgeous women, while Purdue gets an engineering school, an agriculture school, an aviation school, a vet school, inferior athletes, a train as a mascot, and a campus enveloped in industrial smog and the overpowering stench of pig shit and broken dreams. Sure, they have a wonderful animal husbandry program, and a few astronauts have managed to avoid suicide long enough to graduate, but let's not kid ourselves. Purdue is little more than a glorified two-year technical college located on a plat of flat, desolate land where the sun simply does not shine.

Have you ever been to West Lafayette? As the saying goes, walk north until you smell it, and walk east until you step in it. It's obvious that Purdue does not have an architecture program, and it's unclear if they've ever hired an architect to design anything. The buildings are as drab, uninspired, and depressing as the overfed engineering and ag students they house. Ross-Ade Stadium -- which is basically a larger high school stadium -- is a horrible place to watch a football game, although a great place to go if you want to see what is proudly (and incorrectly) hailed as "The World's Largest Drum." Holy shit, Purdue, are you kidding me?

On the other hand, the only reason Mackey Arena is a tolerable place to watch a basketball game is because there are no NCAA championship banners to block your view. Although, if you talked to one of these slovenly creatures that went to Purdue, they might lead you to believe that their men's basketball program has some sort of storied tradition. Technically they're right, if you consider a tradition of consistent underachieving, zero NCAA championships, and not a single Final Four since the Carter administration to be storied. I guess that's why, in 1999, they rioted after they won the women's NCAA basketball championship. Yes, you read that right. They rioted after winning the women's NCAA basketball title. And who could blame them? After all, they had waited 38 long years to finally double their NCAA championship count. For all sports.

Around this time every year, a rush of IU/Purdue-related football memories -- both good and bad -- overload my brain: losing 15-14 in the '89 Bucket game, thus preventing IU from going to a bowl and costing Anthony Thompson the Heisman; getting knocked to the ground by a Purdue linebacker while rushing Ross-Ade after IU won the Bucket in '96 to send Bill Mallory out on a winning note (and finally put Jim Colletto out of his misery); watching in 2000 as those bastards clinched their first Rose Bowl since 1966; Martin "The Killer Québécois" Lapostolle stopping Montrell Lowe in 2001 on 4th and goal from the 1 to seal a rain-soaked victory for the Hoosiers in Randle El's senior year (and verbally depantsing a Purdue student during a halftime IU/Purdue-based argument so badly that his fellow Purdue friends ended up on my side); last year's 9-point loss, where 4 turnovers cost us a bowl bid. The common thread in these memories -- win or loss -- is absolute, unabashed hatred for that abomination they call a university. A win makes the season. A loss ruins my week.

A lot of people -- we'll call them "idiots" -- think Purdue is a private school. As if a private school would pride itself on the size of a percussion instrument. And people that ugly generally don't go to private school either. Carson Cunningham, Brian Cardinal, Kyle Orton. Need I say more? Hell, Drew Brees even got a tattoo of the State of California on his cheek to distance himself from any association with Purdue. The school had a basketball coach for two decades that looked like Mama Fratelli's uglier older brother. Speaking of Gene Keady, Sporting News once named him the best college coach never to have made the Final Four. That's adorable. Isn't that about as prestigious as being the best virgin never to have gotten laid? Certainly something to hang your hat on.

And I don't mean to be an asshole, but a hot chick at Purdue is about as common as a lucid basketball fan at Kentucky or Illinois. Sweet mother. Things are so bad that a Purdue sophomore a couple years back wrote (yes, some of them CAN write) into the student newspaper to complain that there are too many fat women at Purdue. At IU, all we had to complain about was a legend-replacing coach who had been to more Final Fours by the end of his second season at IU than Gene Keady had been to in his entire coaching career. This whole "ugly" thing shouldn't come as too much of a surprise, given that West Lafeyette's "best" bar is called Harry's Chocolate Shop, whose slogan is "Go Ugly Early." I guess the inclusion of "early" shows that someone in West Lafayette understands the concept of irony. While still an IU student, my wife once made the mistake of visiting a friend at Purdue. They went out to the bars, although it is unclear whether a chocolate shop was involved. She was not dressed in a manner differently than she would be in Bloomington (or any other city, for that matter). A guy came up to her at a bar, stunned and confused, and asked her if she was from Europe (which he probably thought was somewhere in California anyway). Why? "Because you sure ain't from around here." That was the last time she visited.

Hopefully that's the last time anyone close to me visits. My kids will not go to Purdue or apply to Purdue, even if that's the only school they can get into. (Although, if that's the only school they can get into, I have bigger problems than whether they're going to Purdue.) God willing, none of my descendants will ever step foot in West Lafayette, other than to rape and pillage and maybe get gas right off I-65.

In conclusion, fuck Purdue. Fuck Purdue's football team, fuck Joe Tiller, fuck Purdue Pete, fuck Purdue's drum, fuck Purdue fans, fuck Purdue students, fuck Purdue alumni, and fuck Purdue women, but never literally, of course. I have, do, and always will hate Purdue, and so should you.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Wurst of Times, Part VIII: Saturday 9/29

I don't usually get really bad hangovers, but for one reason or another, I woke up around 8 Saturday morning with a RAGING headache -- the kind of headache that makes you pray you can fall back asleep so you don't puke, even though you know damn well there's no way in hell you'll be falling back asleep before rocketing last night's dreams all over the back of a cold, foreign porcelain basin. So, I got up and made my way to the bathroom. When combined with the ingestion of only beer, pretzels, wurst, and bacon double cheeseburgers, an entire day without water apparently has negative effects on the human body. Everything I had consumed the day and night before had been completely absorbed into my body, and that fucking sparkling water didn't exactly grease the pipes, so there was simply nothing to puke up. Lord knows I tried. As I'm sure you're aware, dry heaving does not make a hangover any better, nor does it make a pleasant sound.

I managed to down two Excedrin Migraine, even though I knew this was a Category 5, and no matter how many boards I put over the windows, the house was getting razed. Defeated, I crawled (figuratively, but also literally) back into bed, and was eventually harassed by Jester, Kyla, and Alex when they awoke. My muted screams of "stillvasser" (which, of course, is German for impossible-to-find non-sparkling water) went generally unnoticed. My organs, which were on the verge of rejecting themselves, suggested that I stay in bed while the other three got breakfast and stood on their feet for any period of time. For the next several hours I wavered in and out of consciousness. I guess a caffeinated painkiller is not a good idea when you want to sleep, and especially in circumstances where it kills no pain. Now and then I attempted to drink from a liter bottle of Evian, which was standing tall in the middle of the bed, mocking me. Hydration is exceedingly difficult in the prone position.

Eventually, I was able to flip onto my side and splash some stillvasser all over my face and the bed, and then flip over to the supine position and drip some stillvasser into my bone dry mouth. The snowball effect took hold, and I was able to sit up and drink properly. By the time the other three returned, I could form rudimentary sentences, and I carefully suggested that I was ready to try to stand up. Dennis Byrd himself wouldn't have been more proud.

But enough about that. As soon as I was able to walk, we headed to the beer tents. Just kidding, people. I'm not THAT much of an alcoholic. Plus, we woke up too late.

A group of us went to the Munich suburbs to visit Schloss Nymphenburg, which, despite it's name suggesting otherwise, is not a burg full of chicks who are addicted to sex. If you recall, a schloss is a castle.

Schloss Nymphenburg is a nice little palace on grandiose grounds, stocked with swans, random royal buildings, and dimly lit forest paths that would make a serial rapist salivate.

The only of the aforementioned random royal buildings we visited was the hunting lodge, which was painted a manly pastel pink. As we were joking, Prince Leopold, upon commissioning the construction of said hunting lodge, probably suggested to his architect (in a hilarious German accent), "Okay, Rudolph, I want a building that says, 'This Prince Leopold, he is a hunter,' buuuuut I don't want to come across as too seveeeeere. The last thing I need is for people to think I am some sort of savage." (Remember to read the previous sentences in a slightly gay 18th Century German accent. I guess you had to be there.) While in the hunting lodge, Alex tried to eat a 140-year-old painted deer.

We were ejected from the palace grounds. Apparently swan kicking is only legal in the U.S. Undaunted, we decided to go to a nearby bier garten called the Hirschgarten, yet another of Munich's several gigantic outdoor bier gartens in the middle of a public park (Mayor Daley, please take note -- I'm sure there's a "public beer garden tax" you can dream up). It looks a lot closer and easier to find on a map, so it took us a solid hour to get there.

Nonetheless, it was still a bier garten, so it was awesome. The ladies left earlier than the gents, probably to go make out with each other or pet some deer or shop or bake pies or make babies.

For dinner, we got the whole gang together and tried to go the Hundskugel, Munich's oldest restaurant, but there was not enough room and some Wiccans with torches ran us off.

Thus, we went to the Ratskeller, which is a totally badass restaurant in the basement of the Rathaus (city hall, if you recall), with limestone and dark wood. Very gothic.

Luckily Nick's Blackberry was able to get some college football scores because it allowed me to learn that IU had beaten Iowa. John felt up a lion.Feeling invincible, we all went back to the Lotter Leben one last time. We got two large tables, and our waiter, who we nicknamed Bruno, was both extremely hammered and gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). There's not much funnier than a flaming drunk German man wearing tight lederhosen shorts, a cutoff button-up shirt with sleeves removed, unbuttoned halfway down, who has no qualms with dancing on tables when he should be taking Americans' drink orders.

One of the highlights while there was when a song came on that was entitled, "Who the Fuck is Alice?" (which also happens to be the chorus). Everyone in the bar sang along during the chorus, but we all thought it was "Who the Fuck is Alex?" Thus, Alex (and those around him) got a kick out of it. Even better was when Alex stood up and yelled "I'm Alex" to a table of confused Germans who probably thought he had gender confusion issues.

After Lotter Leben, we scattered Bruno's severed body parts throughout Munich and went to bed knowing that we gave Munich our all that week, but sadly, we had to leave in the morning.