Thursday, December 20, 2012

Ping Pong Paul Party

I'm going to be returning videotapes until Wednesday, so you'll need some things to keep you busy.  I will provide you with those things.

First, some dickhole state representative in Texas made the bold -- and highly unsupported -- comment that ping pongs are deadlier than guns.  Needless to say, I will now be carrying a ping pong paddle and a high-capacity ping pong ball bag wherever I go, to protect myself from the impending rash of mass ping ponging.

Second, check out this link with the 25 funniest autocorrects of the year (thanks to Gregerson for the link).  I was laughing out loud at some of these.  The beauty about autocorrect is that uncommon words that are autocorrected are usually words that the person has typed several times before.  For instance, when I type "motorh," it autocorrects to "Motörhead," umlauts included, since I typed that a few times.  Keep that in mind with some of the words that were autocorrected.

Third, click here to see a clip from A Very Special Christmas Party, a 1988 holiday special starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mike Tyson, Danny DeVito, some other celebs, an old lady who bowls, and a bunch of mentally disabled children.  First, there's some awkward conversation where a man who was eventually elected Governor of California tells kids that, in Austria, the devil came on Christmas to scold you about getting bad grades.  Then everyone breaks into song.  It's a lot like most people's Christmases in the '80s.  Thanks to Bonham for the link.  If you don't want to bother clicking on the link for background on the Very Special Christmas Party.

Fourth, you may be aware that, at the 12/12/12 Sandy Relief concert, Paul McCartney fronted what's left of Nirvana on a new track called "Cut Me Some Slack" that will be on the soundtrack of Dave Grohl's as-yet-unreleased documentary on Sound City Studios.  They also performed it on Saturday Night Live last week.  Click here to check out the clip of the SNL performance.  It's pretty badass.  Sir Paul still has it.  Krist Novoselic pulls off a renaissance hobo meets Garth Hudson look quite well.  Thanks to Bonham for this link, too.

Fifth, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Boxing Day.  I hope the devil doesn't visit you and give you shit about anything.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Christmas in Hollis" by Run-D.M.C.

I like that, when Run finds Santa's wallet with a million dollars in it, he dreams of buying a giant yacht and a mid-size American-made sedan.  Don't want to be too opulent.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

PU, Indeed

I've always believed Purdue University sucks ass.  In the past few years, there has been mounting evidence to suggest that, not only am I right, but Purdue also has a fascination with that which the ass pushes out.  That's right, Purdue has acute fecalphelia.  First, there was the story about how Purdue students sniff manure for $30.  Second, there was the story about how West Lafayette -- the kind of fetid, post-apocalyptic wasteland not even Cormac McCarthy would put in his novels -- bought a giant fan to ward off the stench of human waste, presumably coming from the only university in town with an animal husbandry emphasis.  

What's that idiom?  One is an example, two is a coincidence, but three is a trend?  Well now, there is a wonderfully strange and hilarious story involving a Purdue grad named Gregg Greaves who was, presumably until recently, gainfully employed at Pepsi, presumably as an engineer of some sort (since that's what these mongrels generally are).  If the accounts of eyewitnesses can be believed, Mr. Greaves was in the bathroom at a Purdue bar here in Chicago called Red Ivy (which sucks, by the way) when he broke a beer bottle and attacked a fellow patron, stabbing the guy in the neck a few times.  That's when things took a turn for the bizarre.  He was arrested and then taken to jail, where he refused to wear pants and then shit in his own hands and threw it on the floor.  Here are links to the Chicago Tribune and Busted Coverage articles about the incident (thanks to Pissed Off for the links).  The best part is that Mr. Greaves's lawyer had the balls to say, "All I've got to tell you is there's two sides to it."  Perhaps he meant "number two," with a wink and a nod.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Telephone call between man in Indianapolis and UPS customer service representative:
Man: "The tracking info says UPS made a third delivery attempt yesterday at 1:30pm.  Instead of sending it to the local UPS center, it says that you immediately shipped the package back to the sender and now it's in Kankakee, Illinois on its way back to Fort Collins, Colorado."
UPS:  "Yes."
Man:  "Well, why wouldn't you send it to the local station where I could pick it up?  It's a Christmas gift with an engraved name on it.  I doubt the seller will have much use for it."
UPS:  "We tried to deliver it three times."
Man:  "I realize that, but you only deliver on weekdays and I kind of doubt that I'm the first person in UPS history who works during the day and can't be at home to sign for a package."
UPS:  "We tried to deliver it three times."
Man:  "So what your saying is that no one should ever use UPS if they have a job that requires them to be at work during the day?"
UPS:  "Correct."
Eavesdropper:  Rockport

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Last Christmas" by Wham!

Back in the mid '80s, it was not unusual for a racially and ethnically diverse group of fashionable twentysomethings to spend Christmas together, without their families, in a mountainside cabin, spending their days skiing, having foppish snowball fights, and decorating perhaps the most pathetic looking Christmas tree ever seen, while spending their nights drinking wine, talking about each others' earrings, and thinking longingly of the previous Christmas, when a closeted Cypriot man gave a woman with a perm his heart.  And a broach he got on sale at Zales.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: College Football Coaches' Contract Quirks

With the end of college football's regular season, tis the season for coaching changes.  I recently came across an article entitled "College Football Coaches' Contract Quirks," detailing ten college football coaches' allegedly quirky contract clauses.  There's nothing Van Halen-esque in there, but it is interesting what coaches work into their contracts, be it cars, country club memberships, incentives for nationally televised wins, or paid travel for family members.  LSU's Les Miles isn't on the list, but I had heard that he had some clause in his contract stating that he would always be paid at least $1 more per year than the head coach at Michigan.  Also no mention of whether Bobby Petrino's new contract at Western Kentucky includes a clause providing access to motorcycles and younger female co-workers' vaginas.

Saturday, December 08, 2012

Midwestern Eavesdropping

40-something guy on bus in non-rural area: "If you're just trying to put food on the table, there's nothing wrong with squirrel."
--Chicago, #76 Diversey bus
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Thursday, December 06, 2012


Daughter has penchant for naming inanimate objects.  First, it was a plastic horse she named Tina.  Fine.  Horses have names.  I would have gone with Glue Factory myself, but I think the humor would have been lost on Daughter.  Then a few months ago, she named our bike pump Spot.  Still not sure why she went with Spot or felt the need to name a bike pump, but who am I to stifle a two-year-old's imagination?  When I was her age, I had an imaginary friend named Jill that was a boy, or so my mom tells me.  Last Sunday, we brought something home that Daughter named Tonya.  This is Tonya:
Our Christmas tree is named Tonya.  With a plastic horse named Tina and a Christmas Tree named Tonya, the next logical step is a wagon named Tammi, a door named Tiffany, and shoes named Tara and Tracy.

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" by Meat Loaf

In a rare epic, bombastic song with heavy use of the piano written by Jim Steinman, Meat Loaf had his first #1 song, the best-selling single of 1993, and a Grammy winning song with "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)."  The "that" in the title, of course, has been subject to debate and intrigue, but if you listen to the lyrics, there are six things he says he won't do:  forget how this chick feels right now (presumably sexually speaking), forgive himself if he doesn't bang this chick right now, bang any other chick better than he bangs this chick, stop dreaming of this chick, dump this chick, or screw around, neither sooner nor later.  If it was me, "that" would probably mean one thing:  felching.  Ladies, that's a deal breaker.

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Ultimate Holiday Party Playlist

Back in 2008, when I was spry and unpredictable, I posted my Top Ten Favorite Holiday Songs.  Last year, I came to the conclusion that my top ten list provided little benefit to those of you having holiday parties, other than being given the opportunity to read the brilliant ravings of a naked man on peyote, so I posted my "Ultimate Holiday Playlist," which included 34 songs for you play at your respective parties. 

Music is important to me, and the right or wrong holiday music can make or break a holiday party.  Every year I discover a few more holiday songs, so this list will be longer than last year's 34 songs.  Plus, now that is defunct and I have switched my embedding loyalties to Grooveshark, many more songs are available and embedded below. 

Like last year, this list is geared towards parties, so I tried to keep some slower classic songs off the list (i.e., "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole (or anyone else), Bing Crosby's version of "White Christmas," "Baby, It's Cold Outside," "Christmas Time" by Ray Charles, "Silent Night").  And like last year, I also assume your party goers aren't children, so I didn't include "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" or "Nuttin' For Christmas."  Unlike last year, I included multiple versions of the same song, since there are often several worthy renditions of the same song.  As you might expect, it's heavy on songs from the greatest Christmas album of all-time, 1963's A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector.  I've sung its praises before, and by God, I'll continue to sing its praises.

So, here are my top ten ultimate holiday party songs, with the rest in "Honorable Mention," and everything in the embedded in the Grooveshark widget below, so that you can hit shuffle at your party, tell everyone to put their keys in the bowl by the door, and get your holiday freak on.

Honorable mention (in alphabetical order by song title):
"Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter
"The Bells of St. Mary" by Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans
"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley
"The Chipmunk Song (Please Christmas Don't Be Late)" by The Chipmunks
"Christmas All Over Again" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
"Christmas In Hollis" by Run-D.M.C.
"Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid
"(Everybody's Waiting For) The Man With the Bag" by Kay Starr
"Everyday Will Be Like a Holiday" by William Bell
"Frosty the Snowman" by The Ronettes
"Here Comes Santa Claus" by Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by The Jackson 5
"Jingle Bells" by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
"Last Christmas" by Wham!
"Little Saint Nick" by The Beach Boys
"Mele Kalikimaka" by Bing Crosby
"Merry Christmas Baby" by Lou Rawls
"Merry Christmas, Baby" by The Beach Boys
"A Party for Santa Claus" by Lord Nelson
"Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" by Bing Crosby and David Bowie
"Please Come Home For Christmas" by Charles Brown
"Rock and Roll Christmas" by George Thorogood & The Destroyers
"Rock-a-Billy Christmas" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by The Crystals
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by The Temptations
"Run Rudolph Run" by Lemmy Kilmister
"Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" by The Crystals
"Santa's Beard" by The Beach Boys
"White Christmas" by Darlene Love
"White Christmas" by The Drifters
"White Christmas" by Otis Redding
"Winter Wonderland" by Darlene Love
"'Zat You Santa Claus?" by Louis Armstrong & The Commanders

10. "Jingle Bells" by Wayne Newton
9.  "Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms
8. "What Christmas Means to Me" by Stevie Wonder
7. "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee
6. "Run Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry
5. "The Chanukah Song" by Adam Sandler
4. "Sleigh Ride" by The Ronette
3. "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
2. "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" by Bruce Springsteen
1. "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love

Ultimate Holiday Playlist by GMYH on Grooveshark

Monday, December 03, 2012


Several years ago, I ran into a problematic phenomenon I referred to as "fecal phantomism," whereby I would be dropping a deuce at work, someone would come into another stall, take a shit and wipe in under a minute and then leave, often without washing his hands.  It was a concern.  It's been years since I've had any work-related problems with feces, which has affected my life in a positive manner.  This morning, there were two incidents that I hope are not indicative of a new breed of fecal phantoms.  In our work bathroom, there are four stalls.  The first one is a handicapped stall, which I don't use because I don't want to be the able-bodied asshole who causes a guy in a wheelchair to shit himself.  The fourth stall was occupied, so I walked into the second stall, where I encountered shit streaks on the toilet seat.  First, I'm not sure how one gets poop on the top of the toilet seat, much less in streaks.  Second, I can't remember a time when I've ever just got up from the toilet without at least glancing at the toilet before leaving the stall.  The guy obviously flushed, so he must have seen it.  If I noticed that my effluence was smattered on a toilet seat, public or private, I would clean it up.  After saying "are you skullfucking me?" a little too audibly, I went to the third stall, even though it meant breaking the traditional "one stall in between" rule.  Shortly thereafter, the dude in the fourth stall flushes, gets up, and speed walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands.  This is a concern.

New Book: Dream Team: How Michael, Magic, Larry, Charles, and the Greatest Team of All Time Conquered the World and Changed the Game of Basketball Forever by Jack McCallum

I finished reading Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind a few weeks ago.  It was pretty good.  It was about an 18th Century French orphan with extraordinary olfactory powers and, oddly enough, no discernible body scent himself.  He comes to work for a perfumer in Paris and learns how to make great perfumes, since people back then reeked.  After that ends, he lives alone in the wilderness for a few years, then goes to a small town in the French countryside, where he slaughters young girls and uses their essences to create the most enchanting scent ever.  It was an interesting book, and a pretty easy read.

Books read in 2012:
Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Brazilian Elevator Prank

I have always loved hidden camera shows, from Candid Camera to TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes to Buzzkill to Punk'd to The Jamie Kennedy Experiment to Scare Tactics.  Here is a video from a hidden camera show in Brazil, along the lines of Scare Tactics.  It's hilarious.  The last few are especially good, most notably the very last guy, who I call Brazilian Frank Costanza.  Presumably, he was saying "serenity now" in Portuguese.  Thanks to Holt for the link.

Retro Video of the Week: "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club

Culture Club's seminal 1983 album Colour By Numbers was the first tape I ever bought, so it has a special place in my heart.  "Karma Chameleon" was, of course, their biggest hit off that album (or any), going to #1 in pretty much every country in which it was released, and it's still one of the catchiest damn songs you'll ever hear.  The video is set in Mississippi in 1870, where the members of Culture Club -- cross-dressers, gays, and persons of African descent –- seem to fit in quite well despite the fact that they are all about to be murdered.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Wireless Network Names, Part 2

Back in June, I posted a Tuesday Top Ten with some hilarious and weird wireless network names.  As you might imagine, I have come across some more hilarious and weird wireless network names as I attempt to play Words with Friends or Song Pop pretty much 24 hours a day.  And, like before, because I love you, there are more than ten.  These are in alphabetical order, and to the extent any context is needed, it has been added.

1.  BadNewzKennelz.  If you're not sure why this is funny and/or disturbing, Google it.
2.  Battle Toads
3.  BirdsOnBat
4.  Brosharks
5.  chickenbutt
6.  iluvturtles
7.  justinsbeaver
8.  Llamas Are Rad
9.  MIKE is a MORON
10.  ORDER MORE PUNCH, which was just above . . .
12.  SANTOSPIRITO (while waiting in line at the Vatican)
13.  Weird Farts

Have you come across any funny wireless network names?  I bet you have, you little minx.  If so, feel free to share them.  You know you want to.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Undefeated After Week 13

The Hoosiers lost the Bucket game and ended a season of almosts at 4-8 instead of 8-4, Notre Dame beat a mediocre USC team to crush my dreams of a BCS championship game without a team whose fan base I have to interact with on a regular basis, and the BCS standings are poised for a showdown between ND and the winner of the SEC championship game, which I think we all know is going to be Alabama.  Jesus.  That would force me root for Nick Saban.  I'm not sure I could hate Notre Dame any more than I do at this point.  Thank God it's basketball season, so the fairweather people I went to IU with can now post something on Facebook about the Hoosier basketball team instead of the football team to which they have no relation other than it happens to be in the same state in which they grew up.  "But I was always a Notre Dame fan.  After all, I'm Catholic, I'm from the Midwest, and they were really good when I was in grade school."  Ahh yes, that explains why you only cheer for Notre Dame in years when they happen to have ten or more wins.  Fuck you.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Purdue's Mascot" by Bob Knight

It's Old Oaken Bucket week, which means IU and Purdue play their annual bowl game Saturday (Noon EST, BTN) before staying home for the holidays, although the Hoosiers' homes don't have wheels on them.  Let's not kid ourselves here, people, there is not a more miserable place on the face of God's otherwise green Earth than West Lafayette, Indiana.  It was already bad enough that the sun doesn't shine there.  But then John Purdue –- who founded Purdue after he was denied a professorship at IU, presumably because IU wanted its English professors to be able to spell "Indiana" correctly -– decided to put in West Lafayette a university whose hallmarks are a bunch of ugly -– and I mean hideous –- people, buildings that look like they should be in 1950s Stalingrad, a stench that is part human, part pig, and part failure, athletes who would, true story, rather make love to a turkey than win an NCAA championship in anything, and a really big drum.  Perhaps this explains why, when they decided on their school colors, they went with the color of death and the color of a sober man's urine.

Back in the '80s, when, instead of dancing around the fact that he coached at IU for 29 years while announcing an IU/Georgia game on ESPNU, Bob Knight ruled the world and had his own coaching show, he pretty much hit the nail on the head in this video.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Songs I Heard Today

At my core, I am a very lazy man, but I also hate to leave anyone stranded without something to stare at while he or she counts down the hours until Thanksgiving.  Okay, so maybe not something to stare at, but at least a mix of awesome and eclectic music that I, myself, listened to at work with my iPod on shuffle this very Tuesday while counting down the hours until Thanksgiving, or at least my favorite ten of those songs.  And if you do want something to watch, click here for an interesting old Today Show story about a woman whose toaster possessed by the devil.  (Thanks to Holt for the link.)  My favorite part is when she explains why she won't get a new toaster.

Anyway, of the 119 songs or portions of songs to which I listed at work today, here are my top ten in alphabetical order by artist, excluding Beatles songs because The Beatles aren't on Grooveshark:
1.  "The Kelly Affair" by Be Your Own Pet
2.  "Well All Right" by Blind Faith
3.  "Word Up" by Cameo
4.  "When The Music's Over" by The Doors
5.  "It's All Right" by The Impressions
6.  "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" by Meat Loaf
7.  "Talk Dirty to Me" by Poison
8.  "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop
9.  "Stumble and Fall" by Razorlight
10.  "Honky Tonk Women" by The Rolling Stones

I know what you're thinking:  "But GMYH, I can't put this list in perspective if I don't know the other 109 songs you listened to."  Yeah, that's gonna be rough for you.  Was it all Beatles?  Or was it all Federline?  The world will never know.
Top Ten Songs I Listened To 11/20/12 by GMYH on Grooveshark

Monday, November 19, 2012

Undefeated After Week 12

This was probably the worst college football weekend in recent memory.  My Hoosiers got throttled in State College.  Insert child rape joke here.  Worse yet, #1 Kansas State and #2 Oregon lost.  What this means is that the most insufferable college football fan base this side of Ohio State is now vocally shitting itself all over Facebook because Notre fucking Dame -– a team that beat Purdue, Pitt, and BYU by a combined 9 points -- is now ranked #1 and is the lone bowl-eligible undefeated team.  And with the other two schools losing, it means Alabama has moved back up to #2 in the BCS standings, so those smug bastards are poised to slide into another BCS championship game.  Oh, and USC's star QB Matt Barkley got injured late in the Trojans' loss to UCLA, so he won't be playing against Notre Dame on Saturday.

So, tune into ABC Saturday night at 8 Eastern/7 Central/5 Pacific to see 11-0 Notre Dame play an unranked 7-4 USC team in Los Angeles, while millions of people who didn't go to Notre Dame will be posting about Notre Dame on Facebook using words like "we" and "MantHeisman."  Not every mouth breather with an IQ of less than 75 and skid-marked sweat pants roots for Purdue, so I'm not sure why being Irish or Catholic somehow authorizes a person to root like an asshole for Notre Dame -– well, root for one sport at Notre Dame, anyway.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/16/12

Grooveshark is still working on its revamped widget, so click on the link below to listen to this week's Hair Band Friday selection.  Because I care about you, I made it 11 songs instead of the usual 10.  If that's not the sign of a good start to the weekend, I don't know what is.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

OC 101

In college, I took what I assume is the coolest class offered at any university, ever:  an entire class about The Beatles.  There have been other pop-culture classes offered at various schools on The Simpsons, Buffy, Frank Zappa, and The Sopranos.  But now Duke has raised the bar by offering a class on the greatest show in television history, The OC.  (Thanks to Tradd for the link.)  According to the article, the name of the class is "California Here We Come: The O.C. & Self-Aware Culture of 21st Century America," and it "aims to explore the 'hyper self-awareness' unique to The O.C. and analyze Californian exceptionalism and singularity in history and popular culture, girl culture, 21st century suburban revivalism, the indie music scene, the meta-series, and more."  Clearly, this is the best thing to ever come out of Duke.

Given that I have seen every episode of The OC and that I tend to overanalyze pretty much everything, I feel like I would thrive in this class.  In response to the article, one of my friends said, "The final is who would you rather bang: Marissa or Summer? Explain in detail what you would do and why."  This, of course, is a trick question because Marissa is dead.

Here are some possible lecture or essay topics I've thought of:

Sandy Cohen:  Greatest TV dad ever?
"Out on the streets for a living":  Ryan Atwood as an urban demigod hero who could pretty much kill anyone
OC can you sing?:  Popular music as a narrative device.
"Welcome to The OC, bitch":  Latent homosexuality and the contemporary water polo player.
Chrismukkah:  The new Festivus.
Caleb Nichol vs. Jimmy Cooper:  Lessons in Southern Californian business ethics
When killing off main characters goes wrong.
Dean Hess:  What an asshole.
"Er Yaw Sireus? Thaht's sew lahm":  How Kaitlin Cooper teaches our children to speak like fucking morons.
Here's Johnny's body:  Why no one is sad when kids with terrible hair die.
The Seth Cohenization of modern nerds in popular culture.
The world is a vampire:  Volchok, rape, and cocaine's impact on amateur surfing.
Seriously, what the fuck happened to Teresa and the child she had with Ryan?
"Gay dad trumps slutty mom":  The OC's impact on how we view our parents.
Summer of '69:  Summer Roberts as an allegory for the flower power movement.
"Candle wax, tube socks, and the new Fiona Apple CD":  What Taylor Townsend teaches us about sexuality in the new millennium.

I strongly encourage you to submit your suggested lecture and essay topics in the comments.  God, I miss The OC.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Me and My Wine" by Def Leppard

This is probably the best Def Leppard song that was never released on a studio album (or greatest hits album, for that matter).  It was the B-side on the "Bringin' On the Heartbreak" single in 1981, and then it was remixed in 1984 and put on a re-released version of High 'n' Dry, neither of which were widely available in the U.S., at least as far as I remember, so the song was kind of a mystery that you only heard every once in a while if you were lucky.  The video was made in 1984, as you can tell by the fact that Phil Collen is in it (prior guitarist Pete Willis played on the original version, but was replaced by Collen after High 'n' Dry).  And, of course, you can tell right away that this video was made before December 31, 1984 because Rick Allen still has two arms.  The video was featured on 1988's Historia (a collection of the band's videos from 1980-1988), which you can sure as shit assume I own on VHS and DVD.  Thank yoouuu!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Coaching Rants

Recently, Matt Mahanic, a Division III golf coach at a Christian college (Huntingdon College in Alabama), got a little over-excited after his team finished poorly at a tournament and went on a profanity-laced tirade for the ages at his team on the van ride back.  (Thanks to Holt for the link.)  As the story points out, you need to listen to the first 1:55, where Mahanic is calm, to truly appreciate the manner in which he blows up.  It's D-III golf, but the tirade suggests these players (well, except one) just threw the seventh game of World Series after killing all of Mahanic's family members.  I guess Mahanic was prone to this type of behavior, which is probably why one of his players was sick of putting up with it and decided to tape it.  Needless to say, Mahanic got fired.

A couple years ago, I posted my Top Ten Best Sports Rants, which featured coaches, players, and broadcasters going on rants.  In honor of Mahanic's brilliance, this list features my top ten favorite coaching rants, be it at players, the media, other coaches, or fans.  There is some overlap with my previous list, but watching/listening these never gets old, so I am at peace with the overlap.  Enjoy.

10. Kevin Borseth on offensive rebounding.
After a 2008 loss to Wisconsin, Borseth, the Michigan women's basketball coach, got a little testy with the podium and the issue of offensive rebounding.

9. Mike Gundy is a man and is forty.
After Gundy (Oklahoma State's head football coach) had been getting slack from local media about switching his starting quarterbacks, he finally blew his top at a press conference, defending criticism that had been levied at the benched QB.

8.  Herm Edwards explains why you play football.

7.  "Be a dog."
Here is Coastal Carolina football coach David Bennett trying to make an analogy about cats and dogs in 2011.

6. John Chaney threatens to kill Jim Calipari.
In 1994, after a particularly testy contest between Chaney's Temple Owls and Calipari's UMass Minutemen, where there were a couple flagrant fouls by UMass players, Chaney went nuts on Calipari.  I think we can all agree that the world would have been better had John Chaney followed through on his threat.

5. Jim Mora: "Playoffs?"
This is what happens when you ask the coach of a team that is having a subpar season about his team's playoff chances.

4.  Hal McRae throws a phone
A reporter asks then-Royals manager a question about a potential substitution after a loss, and this happens.

3. Dennis Green suggests crowning the Bears.
After the Bears came back from a 20-0 halftime deficit to beat the Cardinals in 2006, this is what Cardinals coach Dennis Green had to say.

2.  Bob Knight's greatest hits.
Trying to narrow it down to one Bob Knight rant was tough, so I didn't.  (1) The first is my favorite, a tirade he had during the 1991 season.  The best part of this is that he was yelling at a team featuring two future All-Americans, two future first-round picks and a second-round pick, the future all-time leading scorer in the Big Ten, and a team that would go on to win the Big Ten title that year and go to the Final Four the next year.  I guess they took what he had to say to heart.  "You fucking guys will run til you can't even suffer."  I'm not sure what that means.  (2) Knight discusses Damon Bailey's future during a 1993 press conference.  (3) Knight goes off on a reporter at Assembly Hall.  "Can we try it again, Coach?"  (4) Knight discusses the phrase "game face."  (5) Knight goes off on an NCAA Tournament official after a 1995 game when the official thought Knight was not going to be doing a press conference.  (By the way, click here if you want to see SportsCenter's Top 10 Bob Knight Sound Bites, some of which are included here.  Very solid.)

1. Lee Elia tells the Bleacher Bums how it is.
This has to be #1 because it is a rant against the fans.  Elia was the Cubs manager from 1982-1983. On April 29, 1983, he went apeshit on Cubs fans. As a Sox fan, this rant is particularly vindicating.  "85 percent of the world is fucking working.  The other 15 come out here.  It's a playground for the cocksuckers."  Priceless.  Do not turn this up at work, unless your boss is a Cardinals or White Sox fan, or unless you want to be fired.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Undefeated After Week 11

There's not a chance anymore.  Despite my presence at Memorial Stadium, the Hoosiers did what they do best:  get killed by Wisconsin.  In the last 3 seasons, IU has given up 204 points to Wisconsin.  As such, the Hoosiers will have to put off that Rose Bowl appearance until next year, and will need wins at Penn State and at Purdue in their last two weeks to become bowl-eligible.  Seems easy enough, right?  At least the Hoosiers' basketball team got a big commitment from the #7 recruit in next year's class, Noah Vonleh.  That at least eased some of the pain of a 62-14 loss.  

By the way, did you know they serve alcohol in Bloomington, Indiana?  I paid a man named Nick to drink some of it out of a lined wine bucket.  I'll be honest, I kind of like the taste of this "beer."
Despite the fact that there was not a friar among us, Robin of Locksley briefly joined us to play darts at Upstairs Pub.  At least that's my only explanation for this, given the sizable blue drinks we were all ingesting at this point.
But there was an even bigger story on Saturday than a fictional syphilitic arrow-slinging criminal from medieval England making an appearance in modern-day southern Indiana to throw one dart and then disappear forever, as Alabama lost at home to Texas A&M, knocking the Tide from their perch at #1 and likely (hopefully, please God) ending their BCS title hopes.  Also, Louisville shit the bed at Syracuse, ending their undefeated season and crushing what little chance they had of playing in the BCS championship game. 

Meanwhile, Oregon beat up on Cal, Kansas State (with Colin Klein) won at TCU, and Notre Dame beat a horrible Boston College team in a game that was for some reason on primetime.  At least it looks like if K State and Oregon win out, they will prevent Notre Dame from playing in the BCS title game.  Dear God, please let that happen.  That said, each team has games remaining against top 20 opponents, so nothing is set in stone just yet.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 Kansas State (10-0)
11/17 – at Baylor (4-5)
12/1 - #15 Texas (8-2)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  12-7 (.632)

#2 Oregon (10-0)
11/17 – #13 Stanford (8-2)
11/24 – at #16 Oregon State (7-2)
11/30 – Pac-12 championship game - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  15-4 (.789)

#3 Notre Dame (10-0)
11/17 – Wake Forest (5-5)
11/24 – at #18 USC (7-3)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  12-8 (.600)

Friday, November 09, 2012

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/9/12

Grooveshark is still working on their widget, so if you want to listen to this week's Hair Band Friday selections, click on this link:

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Gin and Juice" by Snoop Doggy Dogg

I'm in the mood for some party music after last night's victory.  Speaking of which, here is a link to a photo gallery of some of the celebrities at the Obama victory rally. Number 9 is particularly impressive.  Ryan Atwood and President Obama.  The two most powerful men in the universe in the same room.  If only Marissa was alive to see it.  (Cue Imogen Heap's cover of "Hallelujah.")  Fucking Volchok.  God, I miss The OC.

Monday, November 05, 2012


That is an imperative statement.  I can't stand it when people say "my vote doesn't count, so I'm not going to vote."  If you say something like that, you don't deserve to vote.  No matter where you live -- even if you're a liberal living in the Deep South or a right-wing nut job living in California -- your vote always counts.  Perhaps you don't know this, but the presidential election is not the only thing you vote for when you go to the polls.  You have local, county, state, and federal elections, not to mention referendums and state constitutional amendments.  If you don't vote, you have no right to complain.  You've been given the gift of democracy, and you should take advantage of that gift every chance you get.  So, get out there and vote tomorrow, or shut your trap for the next four years.

Undefeated After Week 10

There's still a chance.  Sweet fucking Christ, there's still a chance.  After defeating Iowa this weekend, the Hoosiers kept their Leaders Division championship hopes alive.  IU currently stands at 2-3 in Big Ten play, while Wisconsin is 3-2.  (Ohio State and Penn State, who are on probation for allowing players to get improper benefits and covering up child rape, respectively, have better records but are both ineligible for post-season play.)  Wisconsin is playing at IU this weekend, which means that if the Hoosiers win, they would have the tiebreaker and the inside track on the Leaders Division title.  This is insane.  I only wish IU could have held its lead against Michigan State and eked out a win over Ohio State, and then a victory over Wisconsin would have clinched the division title.  "Pasadena, here I come" is what I'd like to be saying four weeks from now.  I have so little as an IU football fan, so just let me have this dream while it's still possible.

Anyway, as in years past, I'll be breaking down the remaining undefeated teams each week for the rest of the season.  Undoubtedly, you've been waiting for this day even more eagerly than for the election to be over, so that you don't have to watch political ads every damn commercial break.  I live in Chicago.  Why the fuck are Romney and his super PAC friends wasting their money here?

But I digress.  In this year's most-anticipated SEC game, Alabama went into Death Valley AT NIGHT and beat LSU 21-17 with a last-minute TD.  If I were an LSU fan, I'd be putting the blame squarely on head coach Les Miles.  In a game where points were at a premium, he left a lot on the board and made some bad decisions that led to Alabama points, going for a 54-yard field goal with a little over a minute left in the first half instead of punting (leading to a Bama touchdown), trying a fake field goal on a 4th and 12 that didn't result in a first down, unsuccessfully going for it on 4th and 1 in the 4th quarter instead of kicking a 41-yard field goal, and trying a mid-game onside kick that didn't work.  Worst of all, this means that, given the Tide's relatively easy schedule from here on out, we will likely have to look at Nick Saban's smug face in the BCS championship game, barring an upset in the SEC championship game.

Meanwhile, Oregon rolled USC in LA, Kansas State stomped Oklahoma State (although Heisman-contending QB Colin Klein was knocked out of the game with what appeared to be a head injury of some sort, given that his helmet was taken away from him after he failed to recall that he had just scored a touchdown), Notre Dame won another game they shouldn't have won, and Louisville quietly improved to 9-0.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 Alabama (9-0)
11/10 – #15 Texas A&M (7-2)
11/17 – Western Carolina (1-9)
11/24 – Auburn (2-7)
12/1 - SEC championship game - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  10-18 (.357)

#2 Kansas State (9-0)
11/10 - at TCU (6-3)
11/17 – at Baylor (4-4)
12/1 - #17 Texas (7-2)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  17-9 (.654)

#3 Oregon (9-0)
11/10 – at California (3-7)
11/17 – #14 Stanford (7-2)
11/24 – at #11 Oregon State (7-1)
11/30 – Pac-12 championship game - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  17-10 (.630)

#4 Notre Dame (9-0)
11/10 – at Boston College (2-7)
11/17 – Wake Forest (5-4)
11/24 – at #19 USC (6-3)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  13-14 (.481)

#9 Louisville (9-0)
11/10 – at Syracuse (4-5)
11/24 – UConn (3-6)
11/29 – at Rutgers (7-1)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  14-12 (.538)

Friday, November 02, 2012

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/2/12

Grooveshark is revamping their embedded widgets, and they are apparently not ready yet, so if you want to listen to this week's Hair Band Friday list, click here and rock the fuck out:

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Halloween Costumes (2012 Edition)

As you may know, I love Halloween.  It is, without question, the greatest holiday of the year, and anyone who refuses to dress up is a fuddy duddy.  I'm sorry to be so harsh, but it needs to be said.

My weekend was a good one.  Thursday night, Jester, Daughter, and I carved some pumpkins.  Once again, I got some stencils from Zombie Pumpkins.  At Daughter's request, Jester chose Bruce, the shark from Finding Nemo. 
I went with the Samhain skull, which was hard to get a good photo of, but here you go:
Friday night, I went to a concert with my buddies Daniel and Chandler.  Every year, at one of a couple local live music venues, on both Halloween weekend nights, there are local bands playing tribute sets as other bands.  They dress up as the bands and, in the case of some, even talk like the band members.  This year, Halloweekend (as it's called) was at Martyr's.  Here was the Friday night line-up:

Vlad the Impaler as Black Sabbath
Bon Mots as Bad Company
The BuckStops as The Police
Dolly Varden as Fleetwood Mac
Johnny & The Creeps as Donovan
Dirty Pigeons as The Moody Blues

The show itself was awesome.  Every band was great, even the ones who were pretending to be bands I don't necessarily listen to all that much of.  The last three were especially good.  The Police are a really tough band to cover, both musically and vocally, but they nailed it.  Bad Company was awesome.  Right before they went on, I over heard the lead singer say to some friends, "time to make some panties drop," and then headed onto stage and presumably did just that.  I wasn't wearing panties myself, but if I had been, I definitely would have dropped them.  Black Sabbath was the last act, and they kicked ass.  Here is a picture of Ozzy about to be engulfed in smoke:
Fearing I would be ostracized from myself if I didn't dress up as a rocker, Friday night, I went as Lemmy from Motörhead. 
In years past, when I have dressed up as a rock star, I have acted the part, drinking my wife's contact lenses (allegedly) as Ace Frehley in 2006 and passing out standing up as Slash in 2010.  Given that Lemmy is 66 years old and it's damn near impossible to drink large quantities of alcohol with a fake mustache on, I was relatively tame.  Sure, I spoke in a gravely, often indecipherable British accent, drank whiskey, smoke Reds, and had sex with over 1,000 women, but I didn't black out or anything.

After the show, I went to Rocks, hoping to sing "Ace of Spades" at karaoke.  Much to my chagrin, there was no karaoke at Rocks Friday night, probably because too many minds would have been blown.  People and creatures I have known for years didn't recognize me, which was kind of funny.

Saturday, we took the kids trick-or-treating on Lincoln Avenue in North Center, where a bunch of the local businesses were handing out candy.  That was pleasant, although not as pleasant was watching the Hoosiers stomp Illinois, giving Kevin Wilson his first Big Ten win as IU's head coach.  In case you're wondering, the Hoosiers control their own destiny in the Big Ten Leaders Division.  If they win out –- which would only be their first five-game winning streak since 1987 -- then they will play in the Big Ten championship game.  If they win that, then they are Rose Bowl bound.  It's just that easy, folks.  Make it happen, Hoosiers.  Needless to say, the losses to Michigan State and Ohio State by a combined 7 points hurt right now.  If those and the last-minute losses to Ball State and Navy by a combined 3 points go the other way, IU would be 6-1 right now.  Maybe next year.  This year, I'm just focused on getting to the Rose Bowl.

Saturday night, Gregerson and his special ladyfriend Colleen (who are living in sin, mind you) threw a Halloween party.  The food and drink options were spectacular.  Or should I say spooktacular?  No, that doesn't really make sense.  I'll just go with spectacular.  They had deviled eggs that looked like eyes, a pumpkin vomiting guacamole, and a birthday cake honoring the facts that I've been alive for, gulp, 35 years.  A quarter of my life is over now, people.
In addition to your standard beer and booze, they made pudding shots.  Yes, pudding shots.  They were in the following flavors:  white Russian, black Russian, mud slide, and pumpkin cheese cake.  I made jello shots with limoncello, which were pretty awesome if I do say so myself.  Someone else brought "apple pie shots."  He boiled apple cider with cinnamon sticks, strained it, let it cool, and then added everclear.  The result was a shot that tasted like really good apple cider.  You couldn't even taste the alcohol.  It was a teenage date rapist's dream.

For the party, despite it being too damn hot, Gregerson was a penguin, so naturally, I was Billy Madison.
Last night, we took the kids trick-or-treating for real.  I went as the grim reaper, while Daughter went as Ariel from the Little Mermaid, and Lollipop (at Daughter's insistence) was a crab.  Daughter is really into aquatic life, apparently.
Here are the top ten costumes I saw this weekend (other than my own).

Honorable mention:
Peter Griffin 
Dead Captain America
Whatever this is
Beer man and '70s drug dealer lady
The fact that he carried a 12-pack of Hamm's around his neck for most of the night is impressive.
Jim Morrison
Notice the authentic toxin-induced sway.
Paulie Bleeker from Juno
It would make even more sense if you saw his wife, who is pregnant.
10.  Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange
9.  Svengoolie
I didn't get a picture, but some chick Friday night dressed up as local Chicago late-night horror personality Svengoolie.  It was disturbingly spot-on.

8.  Swan
Jester played along with me, even though she hates dressing up.  She made a swan costume, pretty much only so that I could yell "Stop looking at me, swan" whenever she looked at me.  It didn't get old.
7.  Price is Right contestants
Looks like Kaila is ready to play some Plinko!  And looks like Ryan is a serial rapist.
6.  Former Penn State assistant coach and whistle blower Mike McQueary
He certainly didn't want to ruin anyone's weekend.
5.  Secret Service agents
Notice the coke-stained noses and bras, panties, and condoms.
4.  Buster from Arrested Development and the one-armed seal that ate his hand
Sure, they had to explain it to everyone, but it was still awesome.
3.  Raspberry beret
It was even the kind that you'd find in a second-hand store, as you can tell by the style of price tag.
2.  Miller High Life logo
The champagne of costumes.
1.  French KISS
I did not actually see this, nor do I know who these people are, but Kaila forwarded this to me, and Ace Frehley wept because he hadn't thought of it first.