Thursday, September 30, 2010

Rocktober is Back!

Last October, much to your joy, chagrin, or indifference, I honored the greatest month of the year by discussing a different hard rock album every day of the month – well, at every weekday I was in town and was able to listen to music at work and blog about it that evening. There were 22 in total, and each rocked. I will try to do the same thing this October. So, in the coming weeks, check back every day for an album that rocks. It is, after all, Rocktober, and October without rock is like tic without tock, balls without cock, a nerd without a jock, a third-grade art student without a smock, a priest without a frock, a sock without another sock, Ness without Loch, a marine vessel without a dock, Eastern without Bloc, a knock who's there without a knock, an of shit without a crock, a mai without bock, an enspiel without glock. It just doesn't make sense. Again, I will lean towards hard rock, but genres will vary (and every Friday, you better believe it will be a hair band album). Some albums will be well-known, and some will be less well-known. But no matter what, everything will, in fact, rock, perhaps even like a hurricane. Klaus! I know what you're saying: "GMYH, you have more than 22 hard rock albums?" To that I say, "Egad! I should slap you in the mouth for such ignorance. Not you, mom. Chill." I think I'm officially losing it. Happy Rocktober, fair readers.

Albums featured last year:
Rocktober Album #1: Kings of Leon – Youth & Young Manhood (2003)
Rocktober Album #2: Van Halen – Women and Children First (1980)
Rocktober Album #3: Anvil – Metal on Metal (1982)
Rocktober Album #4: Metallica – Death Magnetic (2008)
Rocktober Album #5: Thin Lizzy – Black Rose: A Rock Legend (1979)
Rocktober Album #6: The Stooges – Raw Power (1973)
Rocktober Album #7: Skid Row – Skid Row (1989)
Rocktober Album #8: Andrew W.K. – I Get Wet (2001)
Rocktober Album #9: Riot – Rock City (1977)
Rocktober Album #10: Foo Fighters – The Colour and The Shape (1997)
Rocktober Album #11: Man Raze – Surreal (2008)
Rocktober Album #12: Def Leppard – High 'n' Dry (1981)
Rocktober Album #13: KISS – Ace Frehley (1978)
Rocktober Album #14: The Replacements – Let It Be (1984)
Rocktober Album #15: The Black Keys – Rubber Factory (2004)
Rocktober Album #16: Motörhead – Ace of Spades (1980)
Rocktober Album #17: Guns N' Roses – G N' R Lies (1988)
Rocktober Album #18: Black Sabbath – Paranoid (1970)
Rocktober Album #19: Iron Maiden – Killers (1981)
Rocktober Album #20: Danzig – Thrall: Demonsweatlive (1993)
Rocktober Album #21: Sex Pistols – Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols (1977) Rocktober Album #22: Mötley Crüe – Shout at the Devil (1983)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Shit I Hate: Political Ads

I hate this time of every even-numbered year because every damn commercial break is peppered with bullshit from both sides of the spectrum.

"Did you know Pat Quinn once said something that can be taken out of context about taxes?"
"Bill Brady's doing a lot of talking for someone who said something that can be taken out of context about health care."

"Mark Kirk is a stuck-up WASP. He probably belongs to one of those elitist country clubs."
"Alexi Giannoulias is a dirty Greek. He probably owns one of those restaurants with pretty much everything on the menu."
"I heard Mark Kirk supports tentacle rape. Imagine what kind of laws he'll pass if he gets to Capitol Hill -- probably ones about tentacle rape."
"Alexi Giannoulias is unable to prove that he wasn't once possessed by a 3,000-year-old demon named Zargol. When you head to the polls, ask yourself this: who would be voting in the Senate, Alexi Giannoulias or Zargol? My money's on Zargol. Because Alexi Giannoulias is a dirty Greek."

Fuck all of you.

Monday, September 27, 2010

American Werewolves in Munich: Prologue

Along with fifteen other people who are into self-destruction, I returned to Munich last week for the greatest beer-related party in the world: Oktoberfest. And this wasn't just any Oktoberfest. It was the 200th anniversary of the first Oktoberfest, when some creepy German dude married some hot chick and decided to throw a party since he was obviously outkicking his coverage. Little has changed since then, as far as you know.

In the coming days (or, given my schedule, weeks), I will give you a day-by-day account of the trip. You will learn (again) how to take a year off of your life in a week. Expect to hear about beer, sausage, and related gastrointestinal issues. There will be the violation of lions, cows, and horseradish. There will be pictures of pretzels in front of dirndls. There will be dancing and there will be a surprising amount of blood. There was even one night with a full moon when we all shape-shifted into lupines and hunted gypsies.

I consumed a near-fatal amount of German beer, so my recollection of the events of last week is spotty if not completely inaccurate, but you can't prove to me that it didn't happen. If nothing else, it'll be weird.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Horsing Around

Christoff sent me a link to the latest in a long line of hilarious news stories about bestiality.

Here is the story, in its entirety:

A worker at Arlington Park racetrack has been arrested and charged with having sexual contact with a horse.

Authorities said Esbin Dionel Cal-Orozco, 28, an itinerant stable hand at the track, was charged in Rolling Meadows branch court with the class 4 felony. He appeared in court today, where his bond was set at $25,000.

Cal-Orozco was stopped by track security guards early Monday morning following a disturbance at one of the stables involving a female horse named Buzz My Bell, authorities said.

I find three things funny about this:
1. Cal-Orozco is described as "an itinerant stable hand."
2. The horse's name is apt.
3. Dude fucked a horse.

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 9/18/10

Thirtysomething guy during fantasy football draft: "Nothing like birthday sex."
4-yr-old boy who just entered the room: "Hi Dad."
--Naperville, IL
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Two male co-workers have a discussion:
Guy 1: "Have you seen the new girl yet?"
Guy 2: "Yeah, she sits on the other side of the floor."
Guy 1: "Do you think she's cute?"
Guy 2: "You know, she's one of those kinda chubby sweater-set girls who wears their pants a size too small, so..."
Guy 1: "You're going to be all over that?"
Guy 2: "You know it."
Eavesdropper: The Floppy Burrito

Girl standing outside bar: "Part of him is gay. And by part of him, I mean the lower part."
--Chicago, Rocks, 1301 W. Schubert
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thirtysomething female eating outdoors at a restaurant: "I'm getting eaten alive. They should have salmonella candles out here."
--Naperville, IL
Eavesdropper: Bundy Victim

Drunk guy as girl walks past him out of bar: "I guess I shouldn't have called her an asshole."
--Chicago, Rocks, 1301 W. Schubert
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething special ed teacher: "I think I had scurvy"
Twentysomething fourth grade teacher, dead serious: "Isn't that an STD?"
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Girl at party: "I'm not making any guarantees about botulism."
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thirtysomething woman watching football: "I can't feel my thumbs but I'll stick em in the air."
--Aurora, IL
Eavesdropper: McCleezie

Girl outside bar: "And I am going to show my vagina to someone tonight."
--Chicago, Rocks, 1301 W. Schubert
Eavesdropper: GMYH

32-year-old at BBQ place: "How have I gone 32 years without pork belly?"
--Chicago, Brand BBQ, Armitage & California
Eavesdropper: GMYH

As we do from time to time here on Midwestern Eavesdropping, we have something that isn't technically eavesdropping, but definitely worth of inclusion. This is the first voicemail anyone has sent me. As background, this message was left on a married couple's house phone after midnight on a Friday night a few weeks ago. They do not know the caller. I added images that I assumed were in the caller's head while he left the message:

--Springboro, OH
Eavesdroppers: Mounty and Clalahan

As usual, if you hear anything funny, email it to for inclusion in the next exciting installment of Midwestern Eavesdropping.

One, (Number) Two, Freddy's Comin' For You

Here's one. Between Thursday afternoon and Friday morning, the toilet at work on which I sit and cry several times a day gained what appear to be several metal scrape marks on the inside of the bowl, all straight lines leading to the drain. I would have taken a picture, but I don't handle my phone when I'm on or near toilets. To me, it's pretty obvious that someone -- probably a Ghoulie, since that's their domain -- tried (apparently successfully) to flush Freddy Krueger's glove down the toilet. What concerns me most is that I'm going to be out of the office next week, so the whole week I'll be wondering about the results of what will undoubtedly be a swift, costly, and pungent (and perhaps deadly) investigation. Worse yet, I can't allow myself to fall asleep during that time.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Tuesday Top Ten: Things I'm Looking Forward To in Munich

You may recall that back in aught seven, I journeyed to Munich with 21 others in search of beer and mischief. I found both.

In less than a week, I will be returning for the 200th anniversary of the first Oktoberfest, along with 15 others. Needless to say, I'm giddy.

Here are the top ten things I'm looking forward to in Munich:

10. Someone sleeping on a bench (preferably not me).

9. Drinking cheers, with and without middle-aged Norwegian men named Toto.

8. Finally eating at the Hundskugel, Munich's oldest restaurant, and then using the strength of wurst to slay German witches.

7. Videotaping Gregerson after he drinks 5 liters in 4 hours, before he disappears, gets taken to an infirmary where some kraut will no doubt try to steal his watch, and, after getting an IV, orders 14 cheeseburgers.

6. Watching as well-built Bavarian women carry 14 full liters of beer with two hands without spilling a drop.

5. Listening to Südtiroler Spitzbuam playing "Ein Stern," "Hey Baby," and "Viva Bavaria" while trying to hold conversations with German college kids and getting the shit creeped out of me by some Italian dudes whose only known English is "viva la pooosee."

4. Hofbrau Dunkel straight from the source.

3. A chance at redemption on German MTV, and perhaps reuniting with my German wife.

2. Dirndls. Good God, the dirndls.

1. A week without my Blackberry.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Teenage Dream

I don't know if you've seen this or not yet, but it is apparently some sort of internet sensation. Better yet, this is one of Gemkeezi's students. 4.5 millions hits -- not too shabby for a high schooler.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Tell Randy Gonzalez "I'm Comin'!"

Ever wonder what it would be like if a mentally unstable former semi-professional wrestler, coked out of his mind and on the verge of tears, gave a speech seeking the Republican nomination for the Stark County, Ohio treasurer? I don't know if any of the first part is true, but this is a video clip of Phil Davison, who vividly claims he lives in Minerva, Ohio. Apparently, he didn't get the nomination, which is bullshit. I just wish he would have said, "Randy Gonzalez's friends might get me in a rush, but not before I make his head into a canoe, you understand?"

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Top 50 College Basketball Dunks of All-Time

I feel like a real big turd for not posting a Tuesday Top Ten yesterday, so I hope this makes up for it. Kudos to the dudes or chicks who spent the time to put this together. Don't worry, the first minute and a half is just a warm-up. Personally, I would have liked to have seen when Jeff Newton posterized Lucas Johnson, as well as one of Charlie Miller's dunks, but otherwise the list is pretty solid. I like the vintage Phi Slamma Jamma Drexler at 11.

New Kings of Leon Single and Video

Kings of Leon are coming out with a new album, Come Around Sundown, which will be released October 19 in the U.S. and the day before in the UK. As someone who has been a fan of Kings of Leon since their first album, I think I speak for many when I say the last album was a bit of a let down after their first three albums. Nonetheless, I'm not turning my back on them just yet.

Here is the video for their first single off of the new album, "Radioactive." In my opinion, they're best when they rock, so I'm glad they're at least rocking out a little harder on this song than on most of their last album.