Song Dissection: "Promises" by Eric Clapton

At the request of Dan, an old friend of mine who moved to the Great White North last weekend because he loves some chick, I am going to dissect "Promises" by Eric Clapton.

Having spent several months in Minnesota in the late '70s, I can assure you that it's a cold, heartless place. There are no second chances in Minnesota – only frostbite and lefse.

I love Eric Clapton. While it's not exactly what we're talking about, on the plane home from New Jersey last week, I listened to Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs -- which is my favorite album of all-time -- front to back for the first time in years. What a devastatingly great album. If you don't have it, you are doing yourself a disservice. (On a side note, on April 26, they are releasing a 40th (yes, 40th) anniversary 4-disc/2LP/DVD Derek & The Dominos Layla box set and a 2 CD set that appears to have a lot of the songs that are already on the Clapton Cross Roads box set.) Frankly, though, I'm not too fond of a lot of Clapton's mid to late '70s stuff. I think a lot of it was too soft, especially after Cream, Blind Faith, and Derek & The Dominos. But hey, that's between Clapton and himself (Get it? Because he's God. Oh, fuck off.).

"Promises" was a top ten hit in the U.S. in 1978, appearing on the Backless album. It was written by Richard Feldman and Roger Linn. Feldman has written other songs for Clapton, as well as songs for Ringo Starr, Joe Cocker, The Pointer Sisters, Belinda Carlisle, and Taj Mahal, among others, and Linn had a relatively brief career as a musician and songwriter, but is better known for revolutionizing the electronic drum machine. The fact that it was not written by Clapton makes the lyrics slightly less interesting to me. However, he did choose to record it, so something about must have struck a chord. Guitar pun intended, motherfuckers!

At that time in Clapton's life, he had been with Pattie Boyd Harrison -- the then-ex wife of his best friend, George Harrison, who inspired the Layla album –- for about four years. They didn't get married until 1979. Of course, this didn't keep Clapton's dick in his pants, as he had two children by two different women in the '80s, resulting in his divorce from Pattie. And maybe his philanderous nature is what caused him to choose this song. It might have been a subtle warning to Pattie. By the way, the female singer on "Promises" is Marcy Levy, who Clapton did not impregnate.

Enough nonsense. Let's delve into the lyrics to try to figure out what this song's about. I never really paid attention to the lyrics before, but upon further inspection, it's pretty obvious what this song is about. It was written in the mid to late '70s, when swinging was at its height, and pirate culture was in its infancy.

Lyrics are in yellow, and I won't repeat identical verses.

I don't care if you never come home.

Double negative, which implies that he cares if she comes home. But why would her coming home be an issue?

I don't mind if you just Keep on rowin' away on a distant sea

Ahh, because she's a pirate.

'Cause I don't love you and you don't love me.

"Because we're fuck buddies. And you're a pirate."

You cause a commotion when you come to town

"Because you're a fucking pirate, and that weirds a lot of people out."

You give 'em a smile and they melt Having lovers and friends is all good and fine But I don't like yours and you don't like mine.

Now, I get it. They're more than just fuck buddies; they're swingers. More appropriately, he's a swinger, and she's a pirate swinger. She rolls into town with her peg-legged husband, hangs out with this dude even though they're from different worlds -- probably because he's got a giant dong -- and bangs him and his wife. Sometimes, though, they have key parties and other pirate couples show up, and things get weird. That doesn't mix well with his stodgy, upper-middle class Connecticut swingers' set. One pirate couple, sure. These Connecticuters are open minded. Some of them even voted for Carter. But you start mixing too many pirates with too many WASPs, and there's bound to be some tension. And some crazy sex.

La la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la

This means sex. Pirate swinger sex.

I don't care what you do at night Oh, and I don't care how you get your delights

Of course he doesn't, because he's also banging other people, unless "delights" means his flatware and china, which has happened on occasion. Then he does care. She already has several treasure chests full of silver dubloons. Why does she need his sterling serving spoon?

I'll leave you alone I'll just let it be

Oh yeah, because she's a pirate. That's just the way she is.

I don't love you and you don't love me.

See, I'm beginning to think that while she may not have feelings of a nonsexual nature for him, he does have feelings for her. Love? That's debatable. Otherwise, he wouldn't have his silk underwear in a bunch over this chick. Sure, she's a pirate and he's a banker, but that's always been part of the allure. Were it not for the eye patch -- and the perky tits and billowing bush -- he probably wouldn't have approached her at Plato's Retreat and asked for her number and a handy.

I got a problem

Clearly.

Can you relate?

Absolutely not.

I got a woman Callin' love hate.

It's a thin line between love making and hate fucking.

We made a vow We'd always be friends.

This is the inherent problem with a recurring swinging relationship. Someone inevitably starts to have feelings other than friendship. And the minute you bring another couple (especially friends) into your bedroom, things are bound to get awkward. Haven't they seen Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice?

How could we know that promises end?

Because the only promise a pirate ever keeps is to steal your shit.

La la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la

More sex, nonetheless.

I tried to love you for years upon years

That's his issue. That's why he keeps inviting her back to southwestern Connecticut. He thinks the more they bang, the more likely she'll fall in love with him. And his wife doesn't mind because she gets a ride on that peg leg. But through all this swinging, this guy thinks one day this pirate chick going to come to her senses and leave ol' peg leg, and then he'll leave his wife, and they'll form an unbreakable banking pirating union the likes of which Greenwich has never been seen.

But you refuse to take me for real

"Have you seen the size of your collars? Argghhhh."

It's time you saw what I want you to see

The old dead squirrel trick. Classic.

And I'd still love you if you'd just love me.

There it is. He's always loved her. Rookie swinger mistake, but he's no rookie, so he should know better. You know what they say about pirate swingers: you can tie them up, but you can't tie them down.

There you go, Dan. The Windy City will miss your insatiable wit and unwavering love of dude-on-dog-on-chick porn.