The first Olympics I remember were the 1984 Summer Games in LA. As a six-year-old, I was mesmerized by the likes of Carl Lewis and Mary Lou Retton. As I grew older, my love of the Olympics burgeoned, as did my sexuality. Since 1996, I have been scripting an Olympic-themed adult movie series, with a different film based on each Summer and Winter Games. Some of the names include St. Whoritz, 8 Gold(en Shower)s in Beijing, The Munich Assacre, In Brook, Tokyo Hos, Raise the Black Fist, Squaw's Valley, Unshrouded in Turin, Cockholm, Lily Gets Hammered, Video Footage of Misty May and Kerri Walsh Competing in the 2004 Athens Olympics, Bonnie Bare Does Albert Ville, Vancougars, The Miracle in Lake Flaccid, and The Cream Team.
"Jesus, GMYH, what's wrong with you and where is this going?" Well, fair reader, I think it's a combination of mild alcoholism, a painfully vivid imagination, an undying devotion to the pun, and maybe a little lupus. And in case you haven't noticed, these are 30th edition of the modern Summer Olympic Games, but in the TV listings, it shows up as "XXX Summer Olympics." It's time. During the approximately 29 hours of Olympics coverage I watched this past weekend, I had some time to peruse the list of all 11,000+ athletes competing this year to figure out the best names for the XXX Summer Olympics. Here they are (in alphabetical order):
Honorable Mention: Chris Adcock (Great Britain); Jack Butland (Great Britain); Imran Butt (Pakistan); Karen Cockburn (Canada); Luana de Assis (Brazil); Andrew Abido Dick (Nigeria); Diamond Dixon (USA); Hyleas Fountain (USA) (for those who are into squirters); Vincent Hancock (USA); James Harden (USA); Maaike Head (Netherlands); Peter Hudnut (USA); Tyson Gay (USA); Gia Lewis-Smallwood (USA); Nic Long (USA); Kevin Love (USA); Long Ma (China); Steffen Peters (USA); Phuoc Hung Pham (Vietnam); Andy Roddick (USA); Brendan Sexton (Australia); Wai Hung Shek (Hong Kong); Donald Suxho (USA); Yusuke Tanaka (Japan); Kelsey Titmarsh (Canada); Queen Underwood (USA); Rena Wang (USA); Timothy Wang (USA); Weidong Wang (China); Rachel Yurkovich (USA)
1. Shannon Boxx (USA)
2. Linus Butt (Germany)
3. Lionel Cox (Belgium)
4. Dong Dong (China) (aka Twin Dongs)
5. Destinee Hooker (USA)
6. Yoo Suk Kim (South Korea)
7. Brent Newdick (New Zealand)
8. Victoria Poon (Canada)
9. Liam Tancock (Great Britain)
10. Aichen Wang (China)
We could have used you this year, Walter Dix. Maybe we'll see you in 2016 in Rio. Or should I say Copacabanga Beach?