Friday, September 11, 2015

Road Rouse-y

As you may know, I am a huge fan of the movie Road House.  It has everything a guy could ask for in a film:  a tormented hero, awesome fight scenes, great lines, a merciless villain, boobs, and vengeance.

Based on the number of emails, texts, phone calls, MySpace messages, telegrams, and angry questions from strangers on the train I have received in the past few days, it has become clear that you, fair readers, want my opinion and analysis of the recent announcement that MMA wunderkind Ronda Rousey is slated to star in a reboot of Road House.

My immediate reaction was that I was okay with this news.  With The Fabulous Moolah nearing 93 -- and long dead-- and Wendi Richter retired and out of the public eye, Rousey seems like the natural choice for the female lead in a Road House redux. 

Of course, there is a bit of uncertainty here.  Rousey obviously has the physical tools to play a credible cooler, but will her acting chops stack up to the inimitable Sir Patrick Wayne Swayze?  Sure, Rousey starred in her own biopic and had a cameo as a bouncer in Expendables 3, but there's a big difference between playing yourself (or smashing a glass on someone's head during a short fight scene) and playing (presumably) the love child of Dalton and Dr. Elizabeth Clay for (presumably) three and a half hours.

I'll reserve judgment entirely until I find out more details. The movie hasn't been written yet, but will allegedly begin production in 2016.  There are two paths the writers can go down:  (1) have a similar story arc, but without any references to the original; or (2) relate the story to the original somehow, whether that's through mutual characters (or their offspring) or mutual locations.  If they call it "Road House 2," it sure as shit better have some relation to the original movie.  No matter which direction they take, if they just call it "Road House," I'm not going to be happy.  Because it will never be the real Road House, even if it included a boot knife.  Calling the reboot "Road House" would basically be spitting on Wade Garrett's grave.

Also, regardless of the direction they take, the plot will make or break it for me.  (I realize that's rather obvious, since that describes everyone's reaction to any movie.)  It can't just be a movie about a bouncer (or cooler) cleaning up a bar.  For me, the key to Road House wasn't Dalton; it was Brad Wesley.  Without Wesley's psychopathic behavior, smug smile, and dastardly control over Jasper's businesses, the movie would have fallen flat because there would have been no real conflict.  You see, Dalton was so much more than a bouncer.  He didn't just resurrect the Double Deuce.  He resurrected the entire town, saving it from Wesley's grip.  The reboot needs a villain like Wesley to make it work -- someone who is such a bastard that you want to reach through the screen and choke the life out of him or her.

So there you go, mijo.  I'm interested to see how this whole thing shakes out, and particularly whether any character in the reboot will tell Rousey's character that he or she used to fuck girls like her in prison.  

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