Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Tuesday Top Ten: Funny Shit My Son Says

It's been a while since I've spoken to you about my offspring.  Suffice it to say, Daughter, Lollipop, and Son are still alive and thriving.  Daughter recently turned seven and is enjoying school while also practicing her accordion ten hours a week, in hopes of breaking the "Polka Glass Ceiling" (you burn in hell, Frankie Yankovic.)  Lollipop is five and is nearing the end of her junior assassin training.  Son is two and a half.  He runs everywhere and usually ends up smacking some body part (usually his face) on a wall, table, chair, or whatever else might be protruding and in his way.  We have been trying to potty train him, which has been hit or miss (quite literally).  His language skills are progressing, but he's still in that toddler phase where you can't always understand what he's trying to say, and he often doesn't quite get things right.  This often leads to adorably hilarious results.  One of my dead grandmas was an Italian immigrant, and she would sometimes mix English words and phrases up ("pot jack" instead of "jackpot," or, my favorite, "jackass of all trades" instead of "jack of all trades).  Son appears to be channeling his great grandmother.

I forgot to keep track of all the funny things like this that Daughter and Lollipop said when they were toddlers, so I started to write down Son's butchering of the English language.  With that, here are some of the funny words and phrases Son says, with an explanation of what he means.  I'm just going to go alphabetically because that's what he would want.

1.  "Baby cheese bells" - small, round cheese snacks that come encased in red wax.

2.  "I need to give you my hugs" - "I am now going to attempt to embrace you."

3.  "Let me talk for you" - "I need to say something to you."

4.  "Nugget chickens" - small pieces of breaded chicken breast.

5.  "Panpakes" - flat, round batter-based breakfast food, often cooked on a griddle.

6.  "Rhino officer" - a large, gray, horned mammal native to Africa and parts of Southeast Asia.

7.  "Searsull" - a breakfast food, usually made from grains, that one traditionally eats in a bowl of milk.

8.  "Skelenturn" - the bones forming the internal support structure of a human being or other animal.

9.  "Strawl" - a small tubular device often put into beverages, meant to aid the process of drinking, but when put in the wrong hands, usually resulting in more of the beverage being sprayed all over the damn place.

10.  "Suhmare" or "summoner" - the season in between spring and fall, or the object of Seth Cohen's affection in The OC.  (God damn, I miss The OC.  Every fucking day.)

11.  "The green is light!" - an exclamatory statement indicating that a traffic light has turned from red to green and, therefore, the driver of a vehicle should proceed through the intersection.

12.  "Traw Patrol" - a thirty-minute children's cartoon, now in its fourth season, airing on Nickelodeon and Nick, Jr. what seems to be about forty times a day, and based around an altruistic ten-year-old orphan boy named Ryder and his six talking dogs who live in what looks like an air traffic control tower.

13.  "What da het?" - a PG-rated statement of surprise or exasperation.

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