Why firm golf outings suck

So I'm back from my law firm's annual golf outing. Aside from the free Michelob Ultra (the athlete's beer), my sweet pastel blue Arnold Palmer golf pants, and 2 0r 3 straight drives, it was a mostly forgettable round of golf for me (not that I've ever had a round of golf worth remembering). Jessie and I were paired with an older guy in my firm (65 or s0, but easily the best player in the group) and a guy about 10 years older than me who hadn't played in four years. The key to our team, aside from our cocksure determination an vocal harmonies, is that everyone worked at the firm or (in Jessie's case) was a family member of someone in the firm. We shot a respectable 1 over, and we were a few putts away from shooting below par. Good round, or so we thought.

I'm all for the firm allowing family members to play in the golf outing. After all, these people have to deal with lawyers at home on a nightly basis. But I draw the line when people bring in ringers with no blood relation to anyone in the firm. Our firm happens to represent Lexis-Nexis (which employs thousands of people here in Dayton) in many matters, so apparently the guy in charge of the golf outing (we'll call him Fairplay Phil) invites the 3 best golfers at Lexis-Nexis to be a part of his foursome. After it's over, and everyone else is sitting, eating, and drinking under a big tent, they stroll in with shit-eating grins on their faces. All the other teams were talking about how happy they were to shoot 1-unders or even 1-overs (thank you very much), so we ask them what they shot, and what do these assholes say? Fucking 14 under! That means they shot a 58. They won by 9 or 10 strokes. The whole thing was gayer than Liberace and Elton John's gay son. I called "shenanigans," but it seems those don't hold any value outside my own mind. Seriously, 14 under. Anyway, I hope Fairplay Phil is happy, since he bought all the prizes with the firm's money. He might as well have just given himself a $50 gift certificate to Golf Galaxy (or whatever the hell it is that you get for winning one of these things) and called the whole thing off. What he really should have bought himself was a $50 gift certificate to Firestone so he could fix the 4 slashed tires waiting for him in the parking lot.

On the bright side, my dog hasn't shat blood in about 27 hours.