I didn't have time to write a Tuesday Top Ten this week, since I spent most of the day getting hammered on pineapple brandy and trying to corral two children under 2.5 years old. But thankfully my dear friend Tradd sent me a link to an article on Complex entitled "The 25 Douchiest Bars in Chicago." I'll be honest, guys. I hate douchebags. I hate being around them. I hate looking at them. I hate smelling them. I hate going to bars where they might be. As a result, this is a very helpful article.
Here's the list, with my commentary. I've been to 16 of these bars. I've not sure what that says about me.
25. McFadden's. I've only been there once, when I was somewhere between 21 and 23. Thus, I was probably a douche at that time.
24. Nick's Uptown. It's a late-night bar, but it's not as bad as many of the other late-night bars. Last time I went there, Gregerson walked home, which was approximately two miles from his residence.
23. Mad River. Jester and I went there once for dinner on a Sunday. We were the only people in the bar, and yet we didn't get our food for 45 minutes.
22. The Boundary. I was only there once for one drink before going to another bar.
21. Schoolyard. Last time I was there was St. Patrick's Day 2007. Their "special" was Guinness and Smithwick's that cost $1.25 more than they did on any other day. I have boycotted it since. Is there a list of douchiest bar owners?
20. Fado. It's an over-priced Irish bar in River North, but I wouldn't call it douchy.
19. The Original Mother's. It's a Rush and Division institution, and probably one of the least douchy of the bars in that area.
18. Mother's Too. Same observation as The Original Mother's, although this is a little dingier, but not douchy.
17. Club 162. This is right by Wrigley, and it used to be Hi Tops and Harry Caray's. I haven't been to it in its new incarnation, but it was your typical Wrigleyville bar, which is, in fact, douchy.
16. English. I've only been there once, and frankly, I don't remember much about it. However, it is located between the River and Division, so it has a 90% chance of being douchy.
15. Tai's Til 4. I haven't been here, but I like that the name is very explicit about how late it is open.
14. Sluggers. Sure it's in Wrigleyville, but it's probably the least douchy bar in the neighborhood. They have skee-ball, for Christ's sake.
13. Debonair Social Club. I haven't even heard of this place.
12. Murphy's Bleachers. Another Wrigleyville bar, but not too bad on the range of douchiness. To be honest, if you can get a seat, it's a great place to go before watching the Cubs lose.
11. LaSalle Power Co. I haven't been here since it was Lalo's and, before that, Michael Jordan's restaurant, so I really have no opinion, other than I wish it was still Michael Jordan's restaurant.
10. Trace. Never heard of it.
9. Vertigo Sky Lounge. This is located at the Dana Hotel. I don't go to bars at hotels unless I am staying at the hotel.
8. The Cubby Bear. It's douchy if you consider Cubs fans douchy. So, yes, it's douchy. But it's also the bar where I met Steve McMichael, and the owners' daughter was an All-American diver at IU, so it's still not too bad.
7. Spybar. Never heard of it.
6. Big City Tap. I hate this place. It's commonly referred to as "The Big Shitty." I haven't been there in probably 5 or 6 years, and I refuse to go there when offered.
5. Casey Moran's. Another Wrigleyville bar. It's giant and always packed before and after Cubs games.
4. Empire Liquors. I haven't been there, but I hear Music Town is threatening to buy it.
3. Smart Bar. I've been to The Metro to witness musical acts perform, but I haven't been to Smart Bar, which is attached to The Metro.
2. Angels & Kings. I've never been there, but it's owned by Pete Wentz. Enough said.
1. John Barleycorn. It's been a while since I've been there, but I agree that it should be on the list.
Clearly this was written by someone who owns a bar on Hubbard Street, because there are several there that probably belong on the list. Also, no Beaumont? No DePaul bars? There should also be more Rush and Division bars. Has the author not been there? I do like the inclusion of many Wrigleyville bars, but most of their choices were sports bars. They overlooked the many other bars in the neighborhood. What about Red Ivy? That place sucks. And let's not forget Wicker Park and Bucktown. Hipsters can be douches too, you know.