Love Me Like a Reptile

Back in early February, I went to see Motörhead and Megadeth play at the Aragon.  I would describe it as enchanting and whimsical.  My experience was different than at least two other concert-goers' experiences.  Ryan sent me a link to an article entitled, "Help Find Man Who Impregnated Woman In Megadeth/Motorhead Concert Bathroom."  Disregarding the fact that the article does no place an umlaut over the second "o" in Motörhead, the story tells a classic tale of mosh pit lust gone adorably awry.

As I mentioned in my recounting of the concert, I got into a text message conversation with a friend of mine (who happens to be of Danish descent), whereby we tried to make as many Megadeth-related ejaculation puns as possible.  Phrases like "Countdown to Ejaculation" and "Jizzing is my business…and business is GOOD" were thrown around without any idea that they would be so prescient.

Some silver-tongued devil, demon wench anonymously posted the following on Craigslist's "Missed Connections" page, under the title "Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? - w4m - 28 (Aragon Ballroom)":

Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings. I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got f***ed up. You had a nice c**k and I was wasted so I let [you] raw dog it in the stall. You were really good and you had to gag me so I would[n't] make too much noise.
 Anyway I'm pregnant. It's yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child's life.

When Lemmy sang the line "get yourself some original sin" during "Fast and Loose," I don't think he meant go to the bathroom and let a dude with pentagram gauges "raw dog" you -– at least not without being on the pill.  I don't judge.  Hell, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.  I'm crazy.  That said, if my memory serves me correctly, this is the exact reason why God invented the morning after pill.  For Christ's sake, woman, if this is the kind of thing you do, you should have a bowl of RU-486's on your nightstand next to your bare mattress in your garden apartment in the Ukrainian Village.  Take one every morning after you're done vomiting up blood.  But seriously, you should probably get an abortion.  There's still time.  Unless, of course, you want to have this conversation:  "Mommy, can you tell me about daddy?"  "Well, Axl, your father was a wonderful man.  He loved moshing, grinding, doing drugs, and mutilating his body.  There was this one time I'll never forget when he entered me repeatedly in a bathroom during a metal concert, and he covered my mouth so that no one would hear us.  That was just how he was.  Also, he had a nice cock."

On the other end of that, the guy is just as much to blame.  This guy is in for a train of consequences.  First of all, you can't just walk into a metal concert with a red mohawk, pentagram gauges, and viper piercings and not expect some chick with blue hair and fishnets to let you raw dog her in a bathroom stall.  You wanted it, you asked for, and you got it.  Second, what guy has unprotected sex with a chick in a bathroom at a Motörhead/Megadeth concert?  Maybe it's just me, but if I was single and looking to pull some wool, I would have serious concerns about any chick who would let me bang her in the bathroom at a Motörhead/Megadeth concert, no matter how "nice" my cock may be.  Also, I would always carry condoms (with spermicidal lubricant) and dental dams with me.  Sometimes the chase is better than the catch, buddy.