I Love Lucy

Every now and then, a present falls in your lap at the expense of some DePaul students named Patrick and Lucy.  Friday, Jester was doing her daily parkour routine when she literally stumbled on an envelope next to the sidewalk.  It was sealed, and it looked like it could have contained a birthday card.  The single word on the outside of the envelope indicated it was intended for someone named Patrick.  Jester's name is not Patrick, but she opened the envelope nonetheless hoping for a good laugh courtesy of that wry old lady in the Hallmark cards.  What she found inside was even better:

Holy shit.  This is why you should always tell someone you cheated on them in person.  Or maybe just don't cheat on them in the first place.  Either way, Lucy must pay for her misgivings.  Let's dissect some drunken college agony:


Patrick,
This is kind of hard for me to tell you but I need to get it off my chest.  
Do you think it was a coincidence that she used the words "hard" and "chest" in a letter about banging another dude?  I'm just sayin'.  Also, I'm concerned that this is only "kind of" hard for Lucy to tell Patrick.  It makes me question her morals.


You know how we went to Dave's St. Patty's Day party?  Well that night I hooked up with him.  
Wait, you cheated on a guy named Patrick on St. Patrick's Day?  That's pretty cold, Lucy.  That's like banging a guy named Judas on Easter.


I know he is your best friend and I am really sorry that it happened.
For the casual reader who doesn't know Dave, Patrick, or Lucy, this provided some really good contextual details and adds a whole other level of complexity.  It's almost as if Lucy wanted this to be found, since Patrick clearly already knows that Dave is his best friend.  Either that, or she just wanted to rub it in.


I was completely drunk  
She might as well have said, "Sometimes when I have too much Vitameatavegamin, I pull down my pants and let the nearest boy stick fleshy things in me.  Blame anyone but me when that happens."


and had no idea what I was doing.  
Dave.  You were doing Dave.  By the way Dave, what the fuck, man?  


I am so sorry.  
The double underlining indicates she's really serious here, guys.  


I wish things could go back to the way they were.  
You will.  It will just be the way things were before you knew Patrick and Dave.


I wish we could just pretend this never happened and spend the night laughing as we read the missed connections on Craigslist.
Yeah, that one about the chick getting knocked up because she let a dude with pentagram gauges raw dog her in the bathroom at the Motörhead/Megadeth concert was pretty funny.  


I just hope that one day you can forgive me.
That's adorable, Lucy.  There is a woman I haven't forgiven because she ordered a filet mignon at dinner after the Homecoming dance my freshman year of high school.  You fucked his best friend.


-[heart]
Lucy 
The hand-drawn heart was a nice touch.  It says, "Sure I hooked up with your best friend and probably ruined your relationship with both me and him, but I think I'm cute enough to get away with it."


Of course, the fact that Jester found this means that Patrick never did.  This leaves us with several questions:
1.  Did Lucy stick it in Patrick's door or on his windshield and it flew away?  Did it fall out of her backpack on the way to class?
2.  If his best friend and his girlfriend were at the same party, where the hell was Patrick?  He should have been there to banish Dave's trouser snake from Lucy's emerald isle (I assume she dyed her pubes green for St. Patrick's day).  
3.  Is Lucy's carelessness with such a serious letter indicative of her carelessness with her vagina?  Maybe this whole thing was a blessing in disguise, Patrick.
4.  By now, is Lucy thinking, "Wow, Patrick must have been totally cool with me hooking up with Dave.  He hasn't even mentioned it."?
5.  When Patrick reads this post and undoubtedly finds out for the first time that Lucy and Dave hooked up, will he call her and say, "Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do!"?  Or will he just break up with her without any pop culture references?