Tuesday Top Ten: If I Roll a Seven . . .

This weekend, I had the pleasure of attending a bachelor party in Wisconsin.  There were 13 guys, and we rented a house on a river about a half hour south of Madison.  Saturday evening, we went up to Madison for dinner and some post-dinner drinking.

It was at dinner Saturday evening at a nice steakhouse that I was introduced to a game that can spice up any bachelor party (or pretty much any event).  The premise is quite simple.  You have a pair of dice.  The roller singles someone in the group out and gives that person something he/she has to do if the roller rolls a seven.  That person must agree to it.  The roller gets one roll.  If the roller rolls a seven, the person must do that deed.  If the roller rolls a two, the roller must do that deed.  If the roller rolls a twelve, both must do that deed.

Here's an example.  If I have the dice, I say, "If I roll a seven, Horace has to finish his beer."  Horace, being a man of integrity who enjoys a good bet (and a good beer), agrees.  If I roll a seven, he has to finish his beer.  If I roll snake eyes, I have to finish my beer.  If I roll boxcars, we both have to finish our beers.

As you can imagine, this played out pretty hilariously, as we played it at dinner and at the subsequent bars in Madison Saturday night, and at lunch Sunday, where we sat on a patio at a lakeside supper club near the town in which we were staying.  

Here are the ten best successful (or unsuccessful, depending on which side you're on) rolls of the weekend –- well, of the ones I can remember anyway.  To protect the innocent and depraved alike, I will not mention anyone by name.  "Roller" will refer to the roller and "Mark" will refer to the person who is the subject of the bet.  And remember, these are only the things that people actually agreed to do and where a 7, 2, or 12 was rolled.  Imagine what was left on the table.  They're in chronological order.

Honorable Mention:

-[At dinner Saturday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to take a shot of grappa.  Seven.

They didn't have grappa, so the waitress went ahead and gave him a shot of ouzo warmed to near-scalding temperatures.

-[At dinner Saturday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to go to that empty table over there and sit by yourself for the rest of the meal.  Seven.

Thankfully for Mark, it was after he was done eating.

-[At a bar Saturday night, to a female] If I roll a seven, I get to write a tramp stamp on you.  Seven.

It said "I love boobs!"  Because that's what a 30-something married man writes on a 20-something girl's lower back.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to eat a packet of butter.  Seven.

Mark described it as "buttery" and "terrible."

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to keep this chunk of fat from my prime rib in his mouth for two minutes.  Seven.

Mark is a vegetarian.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to go down to the dock [the supper club had a dock you could walk down to from the patio], put his feet in the water, and sing "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay."  Seven.

And he knew all the words.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to eat his French onion soup without his hands or any utensils.  Seven.

It's hard to eat soup –- especially soup with a layer of thick cheese on top of it -– with bread and rolls.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to break open this bag of tea and eat the leaves.  Not all of them, but at least a spoonful.  Seven.

Bigelow describes their classic Constant Comment tea as a "secret recipe of black tea, rind of oranges and sweet spice."  Mark described it as hard to eat.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to say "pretty please with sugar on top" every time he asks for anything from the server.  Seven.

His first request was for the location of the restroom.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, if the server asks Mark how his meal is, he has to stand up and say "It's grrrrrrreat!" like Tony the Tiger.  Seven.

He did and it was.

10.  [At dinner Saturday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to walk into Woof's, order a drink, drink it without saying a word to anyone, and leave.  Seven.

Woof's is the kind of gay bar where the dudes wear a lot of black leather.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, except that Mark was not wearing any black leather.

9.  [At a bar Saturday night, to a female] If I roll a seven, you have to take off your shirt and run down State Street yelling "Fuck the Pack."  Snake eyes.

Of course, when we walked out of the bar, there were two of Madison's finest standing right there, so Roller made sure to ask them if what he was about to do was going to get him arrested, and they assured him it would not.  State Street was closed to traffic, so Roller went a block down, took off his shirt, and ran down the street yelling "Fuck the Pack" while twirling his shirt over his head.

8.  [At a bar Saturday night] If I roll a seven, Mark has to eat that nacho off the table without using his hands.  Snake eyes.

That nacho had been sitting on the table since before we got there.

7.  [At a bar Saturday, to a female wearing a Sheryl Swoopes Houston Comets jersey] If I roll a seven, you and the bachelor have to switch shirts right here in the bar.  Seven.

They both took off their shirts right there in the middle of the crowded bar and traded for about ten minutes.  Can you imagine a man wearing a WNBA jersey?  And a woman wearing a collared shirt?  The bachelor described the jersey as surprisingly pungent BO smell.

6.  [At a bar Saturday night] If I roll a seven, Mark has to snort a bump of salt.  Boxcars.

Both guys did their best Ty Webb and put some salt on the back of their respective hands, then snorted it right up.

5.  [At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to turn his chair around and eat his entrée on his lap facing away from the table.  Seven.

What made it better was the guy next to Mark saying, "Mark, you're being ridiculous.  Turn around and eat with the rest of the table.  Why are you doing this?"

4.  [At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to refer to himself in the third person for the rest of the meal.  If he refers to himself in the first person he has to take a drink.  If he does it three times, he has to finish his drink.

Mark did a pretty good job of referring to himself as Mark, which was especially funny when Mark was ordering drinks and food from the server.  "Mark would like a cheeseburger.  Has Mark told you he finds you attractive?"

3.  [At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to rub butter around the outside of his lips for the rest of the meal, and you are not allowed to acknowledge it when anyone asks about it.  Seven.

Mark had a butter goatee for about a half hour, and probably will now have an acne goatee for a half week.

2.  [At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to stand at the end of the dock along the river at the house wearing only a Speedo for at least as long as it takes him to finish a beer.  Boxcars.

Thankfully, the local Family Dollar had the closest thing to Speedos in the form of glittery Spandex short shorts.  I was taking a nap when Roller and Mark made good on the bet, and I'm glad I was sleeping, as apparently the "shorts" didn't do much in the way of keeping everything within them.

1.  [At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, for the rest of the day, Mark has to wear whatever outfit I can buy for him for $15 or less in your size or larger.  Seven. 

The nearby Family Dollar had grey athletic Daisy Dukes made of stretchy material that came down just below Mark's boxers, on one leg anyway, and this shirt, which presumably is licensed by neither Lucas nor Shakur.