State of the Union Drinking Game

Perhaps if I had known about the State of the Union Drinking Game, I would have actually forced myself to watch what all accounts have described as a riveting speech. There's always next year. And unfortunately the year after that. Unless of course that whole impeachment thing pans out. If they impeached Clinton for getting a BJ, surely they can find something to get Bush impeached. We may have to wait until after the Dems take Congress back this November, though.

"Hi Dad"

From the voice of a six-year-old, those were the words that greeted me when I answered a call from a number I didn't recognize while I was walking home from work last night. I, of course, responded by saying, "Sorry, I think you have the wrong number." Confused, the kid just abruptly said "okay" and hung up.

Immediately, I realized that I had missed a golden opportunity for tomfoolery, and thoughts about what I could have said raced through my mind. With a full 18 hours to think about it, here are some responses I came up with if that stupid little SOB ever calls back:

1. Kid: Hi Dad.
   Me: For the last time, I'm not your fucking father, so stop calling me!
   
   
2. Kid: Hi Dad.
   Me: Well hey there kiddo. Look, I can't really talk right now because I'm at the toy store deciding how much I love you. If I come home with a toy for you, that means I love you more than anyone else in the world. But if I come home and I don't have a toy, that means that I don't love you and that I want you to move in with another family far far away.
   
   
3. Kid: Hi Dad.
   Me: Who is this?
   Kid: It's me, Dad, Billy.
   Me: Billy? Billy who?
   Kid: Billy Smith.
   Me: Billy Smith? Do you know where you live?
   Kid: In Kettering, Daddy. You know that.
   Me: Of course I do, but I just want to make sure you do too. And what's your address?
   Kid: 123 Main St.
   Me: Good job Billy! Now I just have one more question: how does it feel to know that you dialed the wrong number and gave a stranger your address?
   Kid: What?
   Me: You better sleep with one eye open from now on Billy, because the minute you fall asleep, I'll kill you. And if you ever tell anyone about me or this conversation, I'll kill you. And just to make sure you don't fall asleep and that you don't tell anyone, I've put hidden microphones and video cameras in everything in the world, so I'll be able to hear and see everything you say. And remember, if you fall asleep ever again, I will kill you.
   
   
4. Kid: Hi Dad.
   Me: Hey kiddo, is your mom there? I don't want to talk to her, but I just want to know if she's there.
   Kid: Yeah Dad, she's here.
   Me: Great. Can you do a big favor for me? Can you give her a message for me?
   Kid: Sure Dad.
   Me: Can you tell her that she's a filthy whore and that I want a divorce?
   
   
5. Kid: Hi Dad.
   Me: Look kid, I hate to break it to you, but I killed your dad and stole his phone.
   
   
6. Kid: Hi Dad.
   Me: Hey buddy, guess what?
   Kid: What?
   Me: Do you want to know a big secret?
   Kid: I sure do, Dad.
   Me: Well, I was going to wait until I got home to tell you, but you're adopted. And it turns out that your real parents want you back. They're coming to pick you up later tonight. Now you have to promise not to tell anyone about this -- not even mommy -- but you need to have your suitcase packed by the time I get home, okay?
   
   
7. Kid: Hi Dad.
   Me: Call me Andrew.
   
   
8. Kid: Hi Dad.
   Me: Hey buddy, I was just about to call home. I have big news. We're going to take a big vacation to Disney World! I have to get off the phone now, but make sure you go tell Mommy.
   
   
9. Kid: Hi Dad.
   Me: Well hey there. Hey, do you want to play a trick on Mommy?
   Kid: Okay.
   Me: After you hang up, go hide in the neighbors' bushes, but don't tell anyone. And when I get home, I'll ask Mommy where you are, and she won't know. But then I'll tell her that I bet I can find you. And then I'll come get you and we can both tell Mommy that we fooled her. But you have to make sure that you don't leave the bushes until I come to get you, even if I get home really late. Okay?
   
   
10. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: So help me God if you ever call me again at this number, you will be grounded until you're 16.
    
    
11. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: Hey buddy, I can't talk right now because I'm with a prostitute.
    
    
12. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: Hi kiddo. Can you tell your Mom that I'm on my way home, and I'm bringing my boss over for dinner? And make sure to tell her that he's a vegan.
    
    
13. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: Because of this call, I'm never going to come home again. Now go to your room and think about what you did.
    
    
14. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: This isn't your dad. It's Steve, your dad's gay lover. He can't talk right now because my penis is in his mouth. Is there a message I can give him?
    
    
15. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: Hey buddy. Can you do me a favor and go into Mommy's wallet and get out her credit card? I need her credit card number because I'm going to buy you a big present. But you have to promise not to tell her that you're doing it and make sure she doesn't see you, okay?
    
    
16. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: Who is this?
    Kid: It's Billy, Dad.
    Me: Well that's funny, because Billy is a boy's name, and you sound like a little girl.
    
    
17. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: Oh shit. Look kiddo, tell your Mom that I'm at the bar and I'll be coming home when I damn well fell like it.
    
    
18. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: Hey buddy, I can't talk right now because I'm killing a puppy. I'll talk to you when I get home.
    
    
19. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: Hey there buddy, do you want to play a trick on Mommy?
    Kid: Okay.
    Me: You have to promise not to tell Mommy about it, though. Okay?
    Kid: Okay.
    Me: Alright, here's what I want you to do. At dinner tonight, I want you to say, "Daddy, when I tried to call your cell phone today, a lady named His Secretary answered. Why did she say that she can't wait to be my new Mommy?" Do you think you can do that?
    Kid: Sure thing, Dad.
    Me: Good. After you say that, I'm going to pretend that I have no idea what you're talking about. And your Mom is probably going to get mad. Then I want you to say this to Mommy: "Mommy, what does 'divorce that bitch' mean?"
    
    
20. Kid: Hi Dad.
    Me: Well hi buddy. Say, do you want me to get you a really big present?
    Kid: Yeah yeah yeah!!
    Me: Okay, but I'm only going to do that if you promise to do something for me. Okay?
    Kid: Sure Dad, what is it?
    Me: From now until I get home, I want you to say "fuck you" whenever anyone talks to you. I know it's a bad word, but that's what I want you to do. And you're not allowed to say anything else--only "fuck you." You can even say it over and over again as many times as you want. If you do that, I'll take you to the toy store after dinner and you can pick out whatever you want.

How Cliché

Post Office shooting in Cali.

Classic Saved By The Bell

As you may or may not know, I make a habit of watching Saved By The Bell every morning before work. In case you too want to join in this burgeoning tradition, it's on TBS from 7-9 Eastern (6-8 Central). Anywho, today's episode was a classic, as if it's possible for any Saved By The Bell episode not to be a classic. It was entitled "Pipe Dreams," but you probably know it as the episode where oil is discovered at Bayside HS. Everything is fine and dandy, as the oil company comes in with promises of a better Bayside: better classrooms, state-of-the-art sports facilities, floors made of diamonds and the bones of poor people, teachers that appear more than once in four years (unlike the science teacher in this episode), PE uniforms made of babies' hair, and free hookers in sex ed (clean ones at that!).

But alas, these are pipe dreams indeed. As was expected, the oil spills during some test drilling, with all of the spilled oil apparently going directly onto the wildlife refuge next to the school that is mentioned only in this episode and never before or again. Becky, the duck that Zack for some reason cared about, was one of the casualties.

Upon realizing that Becky is in fact dead (I don't know how he could tell it was Becky with all that valuable oil all over her), Zack is uncharacteristically distraught. Luckily Screech was there to provide the following words of comfort: "Zack, don't worry about Becky. She's where the oil can't hurt her." No laughs from the audience, but I sure thought it was funny and ironic -- you know, since ducks go to hell.

Not all is lost, though. The gang convinces the school board not to drill for oil. In what is probably the most-remembered final freeze-frame in television history, they all come together for a sweet six-way high five. You see, folks, they fought against a big company and their school for something they believed in. And because of their powers of persuasion, Bayside will never have air conditioning throughout the school, an Olypmic-sized swimming pool, separate boys and girls basketball arenas, high-priced call girls in every classroom, a drivers' ed 2-mile race track, or the money to fund biology class trips to save hundreds of more animals than they lost in that one little spill. Short-sighted at best.

Answers About Reunion, Sort Of

For the other eight people out there that watched Reunion, before Fox so cruelly took it from us, just like someone took Samantha Brewster's life, the nine of us don't need to fret anymore about never knowing who the killer would be. My lovely wife, Jesterio the Magnificent, sent me this link about the supposed ending(s) of the show. It's not as good as the real thing would have been, but dammit, it's all we've got.

Pee Wee Football Smackdown

There is little better in this world than watching pee wee football. Someone at work forwarded me this clip, which is one that you can watch over and over again without getting sick of it. I have already watched it 37 times, and I plan to get to an even 100 by the end of the day. What you will be watching is #1 on the yellow team. He is the free safety, although he only plays about 5 yards off the line, on account of his keen ability to sniff out opposing teams' use of the apparently predictable wishbone offense. Also featured is #3 on the red team, who has a bright future as the starting running back for the Indiana Hoosiers. I haven't seen it take that long for someone to hit a hole since the whole Ross and Rachel saga on Friends. PopoZao!! Something else to look for is #99 on the yellow team, who you might recognize as seven-time Pro Bowl defensive end Warren Sapp.

GMYH Health Update: Week Three

I thought I did pretty well this past week. The key word in there being "thought." I worked out six days, and stuck to the Abs Diet, except for 2 beers Tuesday night, 3 beers Friday night, and 3 scotches on the rocks Saturday night. Other than that, I can't think of anything that's impeding my progress. Perhaps I am now gaining muscle weight. But if that's the case, there is no corresponding loss of fat, which is confusing. Maybe my scale's body fat percentage calculator isn't accurate or hates me. I might have to get one of those caliper pinchers that we all dreaded in gym class to calculate my body fat. Regardless, I guess I'll have to ramp up my workouts this week. Nothing a little "Your The Best Around" by Joe Esposito in the ears while I'm working out can't cure.

Here are my current vitals:

Weight:
Start: 182.8
Week 1: 179.4 (-3.4)
Week 2: 177.4 (-2.0)
Week 3: 176.4 (-1.0)
Total Difference = -6.4

BMI:
Start: 27.0
Week 1: 26.5 (-0.5)
Week 2: 26.2 (-0.3)
Week 3: 26.0 (-0.2)
Total Difference = -1.0

Body Fat:
Start: 25.6%
Week 1: 24.8% (-0.8)
Week 2: 24.4% (-0.4%)
Week 3: 24.4% (--)
Total Difference = -1.2%

In Living Color Marathon

For those of you who have cable and nothing to do today (which I assume is 96% of people reading this post), there is an In Living Color marathon on BET. In Living Color, of course, spawned the careers of the Wayans brothers (Keenan Ivory, Damon, Shawn, Marlon), Jim Carrey, Jamie Foxx, David Alan Grier, and Tommy Davidson. And who can forget The Fly Girls, featuring a young Jennifer Lopez. PopoZao!!

More on PopoZao

Word of the musical genius of K-Fed is spreading. I guess Conan had James Lipton on the show to recite the lyrics to PopoZao. Now that I know the lyrics, I somehow respect Kevin Federline even less than before, which I was almost positive was a mathematical impossibility, kind of like dividing by zero.

"Caught Between Heaven and Hell. Where's the Girl I Knew a Year Ago?"

After a one-week haitus, in which Hair Band Friday was kickin' some shit on the road, HBF is back at home and rockin' like a hurricane. Nothing like a week off to build up some balls-to-the-wall party anticipation. This morning I cooked up a Nikki-Sixx-sized dose of China white, and I wrote the hell out of reply brief for the next 6 hours straight, all the while wearing no pants. Meanwhile some chick named Heather was giving Adam a BJ while he was doing some research using all eight volumes of Newberg on Class Actions. It was insane. To top it off, three awesome songs just passed through my speakers (which are totally cranked to 11 right now): Poison's tale of innocence lost, "Fallen Angel," Ozzy's classic "No More Tears," and hair band party anthem "Up All Night" by Slaughter (special thanks to Greg Weeser* for sending me the link to the video, which for some reason at the end of the song tails off into "America the Beautiful" and was directed by a young Michael Bay).

Last night's The OC, which, in case you didn't know is the greatest TV show ever, was pretty good. It's the kind of show that made you want to say "PopoZao." Here's what we saw:

1. Seth is for some reason depressed about the possibility of leaving the sun and promiscuity of southern California for the fucked up accents and dismal winters of Rhode Island (to go to Brown). For Christ's sake, it started out as a colony for people who were banished from Taxachusetts. Witches, sorcerers, lepers, nay-sayers, God-questioners, and the like.
   
   Perhaps he doesn't realize that Rhode Island has a Newport too. Anyway, to cope with the anxiety, he smokes them tweeds for the first time. In his room. By himself. Right before his admissions interview with the dude from Brown, who has apparently traveled 3000 miles to interview 3 kids at Harbor. The jury's still out on whether it was a good move for Seth. Only time will tell.
   
   
2. Kaitlin Cooper's status as saucy jail-bait tart got even that much tangier (as in tangy, not as in the Tangiers Casino or Tangier, Morocco). She sold weed to Seth, turned 15, and left her birthday party early after making out with ass-haired Johnny, all in the same day. She's well on her way to becoming Newport's trailer park Lolita. For those pedophiles out there, in real life, Willa Holland (the actress who plays Kaitlin) doesn't turn 18 until June 18*.
   *2009
   
   
3. For some reason Kaitlin does not speak the Queen's English. Instead, she likes to pronounce certain words like an idiot. For instance, what you and I pronounce "me" and "see," she pronounces "may" and "say." I hope that Josh Schwartz and McG have a "Who's on First" type back-and-forth planned:
   Kaitlin: Is there some reason you don't trust may?
   Ryan: I trust May just fine. It's April I'm worried about, with the rain and all.
   Kaitlin: What? Sometimes it's as if you don't even say may.
   Ryan: I just said May.
   Kaitlin: Not May, may.
   Ryan: Right, not May May. Just May. Of course I say May.
   Kaitlin: Not say, say.
   Ryan: Do you mean "Say Say Say" by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney?
   Kaitlin: No, I meant say, as in you say may.
   Ryan: Right, May. Is there something I'm not seeing?
   Kaitlin: That's what I'm saying.
   
   This type of banter goes on for another 20 minutes before Ryan finally concaves Kaitlin's skull with a swift karate chop.
   
   
4. In what was nearly the biggest development in recent TV memory, Marissa -- God help her -- almost ate twice. First, there was enough Thai food feed a small village in, well, Thailand, and she apparently decided that the food was better served by staying in the box. Second, there was an entire birthday cake at Kaitlin's birthday party. Marissa was even offered a piece. She turned it down, as well she should have. As you can see from this photo, she's really chunking up.
   
5. Summer has apparently taken to dressing like a 19th-Century Japanese mistress.
   
6. Marissa has apparently taken to dressing like a 19th-Century Bavarian beer maid.
   
7. Johnny got a haircut. Just kidding. That motherfucker still has the worst haircut of all-time.

All of this is well and good, but nothing compared to what we saw in the previews for next week. From all I can tell, Ryan is going to cut Marissa off until she figures out her feelings. Then Johnny is finally going to kill himself in an alcohol-induced cliff jump, which I think will bode well for Ryan and Marissa, since they have historically gained some sort of sick, intense sexual chemistry following tragedy.

Aside from that, my biggest concern is the lack of lesbian subplots this year. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we need a little more of Alex and Marissa making out while they're -- cough -- all wet. After all, this whole thing with Ryan and Johnny has probably left Marissa somewhat confused and lonely. Seems like something that can only be comforted by the warm, caring arms of lipstick lesbian with a near-perfect body.