Immediately, I realized that I had missed a golden opportunity for tomfoolery, and thoughts about what I could have said raced through my mind. With a full 18 hours to think about it, here are some responses I came up with if that stupid little SOB ever calls back:
- Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: For the last time, I'm not your fucking father, so stop calling me! - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Well hey there kiddo. Look, I can't really talk right now because I'm at the toy store deciding how much I love you. If I come home with a toy for you, that means I love you more than anyone else in the world. But if I come home and I don't have a toy, that means that I don't love you and that I want you to move in with another family far far away. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Who is this?
Kid: It's me, Dad, Billy.
Me: Billy? Billy who?
Kid: Billy Smith.
Me: Billy Smith? Do you know where you live?
Kid: In Kettering, Daddy. You know that.
Me: Of course I do, but I just want to make sure you do too. And what's your address?
Kid: 123 Main St.
Me: Good job Billy! Now I just have one more question: how does it feel to know that you dialed the wrong number and gave a stranger your address?
Kid: What?
Me: You better sleep with one eye open from now on Billy, because the minute you fall asleep, I'll kill you. And if you ever tell anyone about me or this conversation, I'll kill you. And just to make sure you don't fall asleep and that you don't tell anyone, I've put hidden microphones and video cameras in everything in the world, so I'll be able to hear and see everything you say. And remember, if you fall asleep ever again, I will kill you. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Hey kiddo, is your mom there? I don't want to talk to her, but I just want to know if she's there.
Kid: Yeah Dad, she's here.
Me: Great. Can you do a big favor for me? Can you give her a message for me?
Kid: Sure Dad.
Me: Can you tell her that she's a filthy whore and that I want a divorce? - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Look kid, I hate to break it to you, but I killed your dad and stole his phone. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Hey buddy, guess what?
Kid: What?
Me: Do you want to know a big secret?
Kid: I sure do, Dad.
Me: Well, I was going to wait until I got home to tell you, but you're adopted. And it turns out that your real parents want you back. They're coming to pick you up later tonight. Now you have to promise not to tell anyone about this -- not even mommy -- but you need to have your suitcase packed by the time I get home, okay? - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Call me Andrew. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Hey buddy, I was just about to call home. I have big news. We're going to take a big vacation to Disney World! I have to get off the phone now, but make sure you go tell Mommy. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Well hey there. Hey, do you want to play a trick on Mommy?
Kid: Okay.
Me: After you hang up, go hide in the neighbors' bushes, but don't tell anyone. And when I get home, I'll ask Mommy where you are, and she won't know. But then I'll tell her that I bet I can find you. And then I'll come get you and we can both tell Mommy that we fooled her. But you have to make sure that you don't leave the bushes until I come to get you, even if I get home really late. Okay? - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: So help me God if you ever call me again at this number, you will be grounded until you're 16. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Hey buddy, I can't talk right now because I'm with a prostitute. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Hi kiddo. Can you tell your Mom that I'm on my way home, and I'm bringing my boss over for dinner? And make sure to tell her that he's a vegan. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Because of this call, I'm never going to come home again. Now go to your room and think about what you did. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: This isn't your dad. It's Steve, your dad's gay lover. He can't talk right now because my penis is in his mouth. Is there a message I can give him? - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Hey buddy. Can you do me a favor and go into Mommy's wallet and get out her credit card? I need her credit card number because I'm going to buy you a big present. But you have to promise not to tell her that you're doing it and make sure she doesn't see you, okay? - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Who is this?
Kid: It's Billy, Dad.
Me: Well that's funny, because Billy is a boy's name, and you sound like a little girl. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Oh shit. Look kiddo, tell your Mom that I'm at the bar and I'll be coming home when I damn well fell like it. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Hey buddy, I can't talk right now because I'm killing a puppy. I'll talk to you when I get home. - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Hey there buddy, do you want to play a trick on Mommy?
Kid: Okay.
Me: You have to promise not to tell Mommy about it, though. Okay?
Kid: Okay.
Me: Alright, here's what I want you to do. At dinner tonight, I want you to say, "Daddy, when I tried to call your cell phone today, a lady named His Secretary answered. Why did she say that she can't wait to be my new Mommy?" Do you think you can do that?
Kid: Sure thing, Dad.
Me: Good. After you say that, I'm going to pretend that I have no idea what you're talking about. And your Mom is probably going to get mad. Then I want you to say this to Mommy: "Mommy, what does 'divorce that bitch' mean?" - Kid: Hi Dad.
Me: Well hi buddy. Say, do you want me to get you a really big present?
Kid: Yeah yeah yeah!!
Me: Okay, but I'm only going to do that if you promise to do something for me. Okay?
Kid: Sure Dad, what is it?
Me: From now until I get home, I want you to say "fuck you" whenever anyone talks to you. I know it's a bad word, but that's what I want you to do. And you're not allowed to say anything else--only "fuck you." You can even say it over and over again as many times as you want. If you do that, I'll take you to the toy store after dinner and you can pick out whatever you want.
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