"Caught Between Heaven and Hell. Where's the Girl I Knew a Year Ago?"

After a one-week haitus, in which Hair Band Friday was kickin' some shit on the road, HBF is back at home and rockin' like a hurricane. Nothing like a week off to build up some balls-to-the-wall party anticipation. This morning I cooked up a Nikki-Sixx-sized dose of China white, and I wrote the hell out of reply brief for the next 6 hours straight, all the while wearing no pants. Meanwhile some chick named Heather was giving Adam a BJ while he was doing some research using all eight volumes of Newberg on Class Actions. It was insane. To top it off, three awesome songs just passed through my speakers (which are totally cranked to 11 right now): Poison's tale of innocence lost, "Fallen Angel," Ozzy's classic "No More Tears," and hair band party anthem "Up All Night" by Slaughter (special thanks to Greg Weeser* for sending me the link to the video, which for some reason at the end of the song tails off into "America the Beautiful" and was directed by a young Michael Bay).

Last night's The OC, which, in case you didn't know is the greatest TV show ever, was pretty good. It's the kind of show that made you want to say "PopoZao." Here's what we saw:

1. Seth is for some reason depressed about the possibility of leaving the sun and promiscuity of southern California for the fucked up accents and dismal winters of Rhode Island (to go to Brown). For Christ's sake, it started out as a colony for people who were banished from Taxachusetts. Witches, sorcerers, lepers, nay-sayers, God-questioners, and the like.
   
   Perhaps he doesn't realize that Rhode Island has a Newport too. Anyway, to cope with the anxiety, he smokes them tweeds for the first time. In his room. By himself. Right before his admissions interview with the dude from Brown, who has apparently traveled 3000 miles to interview 3 kids at Harbor. The jury's still out on whether it was a good move for Seth. Only time will tell.
   
   
2. Kaitlin Cooper's status as saucy jail-bait tart got even that much tangier (as in tangy, not as in the Tangiers Casino or Tangier, Morocco). She sold weed to Seth, turned 15, and left her birthday party early after making out with ass-haired Johnny, all in the same day. She's well on her way to becoming Newport's trailer park Lolita. For those pedophiles out there, in real life, Willa Holland (the actress who plays Kaitlin) doesn't turn 18 until June 18*.
   *2009
   
   
3. For some reason Kaitlin does not speak the Queen's English. Instead, she likes to pronounce certain words like an idiot. For instance, what you and I pronounce "me" and "see," she pronounces "may" and "say." I hope that Josh Schwartz and McG have a "Who's on First" type back-and-forth planned:
   Kaitlin: Is there some reason you don't trust may?
   Ryan: I trust May just fine. It's April I'm worried about, with the rain and all.
   Kaitlin: What? Sometimes it's as if you don't even say may.
   Ryan: I just said May.
   Kaitlin: Not May, may.
   Ryan: Right, not May May. Just May. Of course I say May.
   Kaitlin: Not say, say.
   Ryan: Do you mean "Say Say Say" by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney?
   Kaitlin: No, I meant say, as in you say may.
   Ryan: Right, May. Is there something I'm not seeing?
   Kaitlin: That's what I'm saying.
   
   This type of banter goes on for another 20 minutes before Ryan finally concaves Kaitlin's skull with a swift karate chop.
   
   
4. In what was nearly the biggest development in recent TV memory, Marissa -- God help her -- almost ate twice. First, there was enough Thai food feed a small village in, well, Thailand, and she apparently decided that the food was better served by staying in the box. Second, there was an entire birthday cake at Kaitlin's birthday party. Marissa was even offered a piece. She turned it down, as well she should have. As you can see from this photo, she's really chunking up.
   
5. Summer has apparently taken to dressing like a 19th-Century Japanese mistress.
   
6. Marissa has apparently taken to dressing like a 19th-Century Bavarian beer maid.
   
7. Johnny got a haircut. Just kidding. That motherfucker still has the worst haircut of all-time.

All of this is well and good, but nothing compared to what we saw in the previews for next week. From all I can tell, Ryan is going to cut Marissa off until she figures out her feelings. Then Johnny is finally going to kill himself in an alcohol-induced cliff jump, which I think will bode well for Ryan and Marissa, since they have historically gained some sort of sick, intense sexual chemistry following tragedy.

Aside from that, my biggest concern is the lack of lesbian subplots this year. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we need a little more of Alex and Marissa making out while they're -- cough -- all wet. After all, this whole thing with Ryan and Johnny has probably left Marissa somewhat confused and lonely. Seems like something that can only be comforted by the warm, caring arms of lipstick lesbian with a near-perfect body.