Outrageous Idle Threats to Children

Jester, Daughter, and I went to the Golden Apple – a classic diner at the corner of Lincoln, Wellington, and Southport – for breakfast Saturday morning. Three large families soon entered and were seated in our section. One was well-behaved. This will be the last you need to worry about them.

The second family, apparently Catholic, had four kids who were, for the most part under control. That said, a boy old enough to know better screamed a few times for no apparent reason. His mom's shushing had little effect.

The third family, too consistently blond to be anything but Protestant, looked like something out of Stepford. The four children were wearing color-coordinated navy and white outfits. That's queer. The oldest daughter was maybe 7 or 8. You could tell that she is already an uppity little twat. When she was waiting for the bus boy to put the place settings down at their table, she stood there with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face like she was waiting for an immigrant to finish buffing her X5. The scowl did not leave her face the entire meal. The remaining Stepford children, hair perfectly coiffed, were insolent little buggers. The youngest daughter was about 3, and she couldn't seem to come to grips with the seating arrangement. The middle two kids were both boys. Over the course of the next half hour, it became apparent to me that the first time they will hear the word "no" will likely result in criminal prosecution.

Why do parents make it so easy for me to hate their children? Actually, I know why. It's because parents don't do a damn thing when their children act up in public. If Daughter starts screaming, Jester and I explain sternly (but not too loudly) that she needs to shut her mouth because such behavior is inappropriate in a restaurant. She doesn't fully get it, but she can grasp the concept that we don't approve of her conduct.

When I was sitting there Saturday morning, attempting to enjoy my bacon and mozzarella omelette, I was reminded of something my dad always used to say to me when I was acting up: "If I would have done what you just did, my dad would have laid me out." I'm pretty sure that was a lie, since my dad does not appear to be suffering from the effects of repeated concussions, but the point was clear: acting in this manner may result in physical pain. I knew he wasn't going to knock me out (or try), but the fact that that was even mentioned was cause for concern because it meant that any spanking I may receive, no matter the force or number, would look light compared to getting knocked out. As a result, I usually shut my mouth, stopped giving my brother Wet Willies, or stopped whatever other asinine thing I was doing.

Regardless, you just don't hear awesome threats like that anymore, idle as they may be. Parents are too scared of their kids or too scared of what other people might think to yell at their kids. You know what other people think? They think you should do whatever you can to stop your kid from banging his knife on the table every second for 45 straight minutes, even if it means dressing him down in front of a roomful of strangers. Or maybe just take the knife away.

All of this is an extremely long build-up to the point of this post: parents need to threaten their children as ridiculously as possible. There is a giant plate glass window near where we were sitting Saturday morning. As I sat there thanking God that Daughter is generally well-behaved, I thought about what I would do if it were my kid acting like some of those kids were acting. I would have firmly grabbed his or her upper arm, looked him or her straight in the eye, and said, "If you scream like that once more, I will throw you through that fucking window."

Here are some other outrageous idle threats that I thought of. They're not all physical threats because sometimes that doesn't work, especially if you've never spanked your kid. I invite you to use them at will. I also invite you to post any of your own in the comments.

General:
"If you don't start behaving, I will send you to live with Gary Glitter."
"If you don't start behaving, I will send you to live with Joe Jackson – Michael's dad, not the guy that sang 'Is She Really Going Out With Him?,' unless he is also a child hitter."
"Keep it up, and I will rip your arms off and beat you to death with the bloody stumps."
"If you don't sit down and shut up, I will take you out of my will."
"If you scream like that once more, I will punch you so hard in the crotch that your unconceived children will cry for a week straight."
"Do that again, and I will suplex you right here in front of all these people."
"If you don't start behaving, you will not be going to college. Because college don't accept people who have been eaten by lions."
"Keep it up, and I will put you in the trunk, drive you to Iowa, and make you walk home."
"If you touch your sister again, I will give all of your toys to charity. No, you know what, I'm going to let your sister burn them one by one while you watch."
"Keep it up, and I will bite your nose off."
"If you don't start behaving, I will hire army of homeless men to hunt you."
"Do that again, and the only thing you will watch on TV for the next year is reruns of Wall Street Week from October 1987."
"If you don't start behaving, I will murder Elmo and tell every kid in the world that you did it."
"Do that again, and I will put my foot so far up your ass that you will taste my knee."
"Keep it up, and we're going to go to the pet shop and I'm going to buy every puppy and give it to another kid."
"Keep it up, and I will kill every dog in the world to ensure that you will never ever have a puppy."
"Keep it up, and I will buy you a puppy, make you kill it, and then make you cook it and eat it."
"Pipe down, or I will start throwing watermelons at you in your sleep."
"If you touch your brother again, I will buy a Groupon for archery lessons, take those lessons, buy a bow and three arrows, place you ten yards away, and put three arrows through your heart."
"If you scream like that once more, I will grind you into sausage and feed you to your friends."
"Keep it up, and I will chop you up and bury you in the backyard, just like I did with the others before you."
"Do that again, and the only clothes you will wear will say 'Purdue' on them."
"Keep it up, and I will use your college fund to pay for the MMA lessons that I will use to break your legs."
"Keep it up, and you will be on the next flight to Beirut. Hezbollah will have a field day with you."
"Do you like your teeth? If not, do that again."
"If you don't start behaving, I will pee on your clothes and make you wear them to school. Every day."
"I don't care if you're a little boy. If you do that again, from now on, you will only shop at Lane Bryant."
"If you scream like that once more, I will box your ears until they bleed."
"Keep it up, and I will sterilize you. If you think I'm kidding, why don't you tell me now many nieces and nephews you have?"
"Do that again, and I will trade you on the black market for a pirated copy of that new Planet of the Apes movie."
"If you scream like that once more, you will be given to NAMBLA."
"If you touch your brother again, I will brand a pentagram on your forehead."
"If you don't start behaving, we will be buying a pit bull, and you will train it to eat your own hands off."
"Keep it up, and I will shave your head and eyebrows every day forever."
"If you scream like that once more, I will cut your tongue out with a rusty nail."
"Pipe down, unless you want to wear a burqa from now on."
"Keep it up, and the only music you will be allowed to listen to from now on will be Gregorian chants."
"Keep it up, and the only music you will be allowed to listen to from now on will be Saudi Arabian pop."
"Keep it up, and the only music you will be allowed to listen to from now on will be 'Rikki Don't Lose That Number' by Steely Dan."
"Keep it up, and we're going to start going to church. Well, you will."
"Two words: flying snakes."
"If you touch your sister again, I will send you to live with your Aunt Sally in Afghanistan."
"If you scream like that once more, I will literally blind you."
"Do that again, and you will eat nothing but steamed Brussels sprouts for the rest of the year."
"If you don't start behaving, I will put you in a Klan costume and drop you off in Compton."
"If you don't start behaving, I will put you in blackface and drop you off in Martinsville, Indiana."
"If you scream like that once more, I will smack you in the mouth so hard it will look like you had a stroke."
"Keep it up, and I will rap every time your friends come over."

For planes:
"If you don't shut up, I will open that door and toss you out. If you think I'm kidding, ask your older brother." (Of course, the last part is only effective if he/she has no older brother, or if you in fact did toss his/her older brother out of a plane.)
"If you don't shut up, I will ask the flight attendant to put you in the cargo bay."
"If you don't shut up, I will ask the pilot to hit the eject button for your seat."
"If you don't shut up, I will flush you down the toilet, and your blue, shit-covered body will meet its end somewhere in Kansas."

For bus stations:
"Keep it up, and you will live here."
"If you don't start behaving, I will drug you and put you on the next bus, no matter where it's going."
"Do that again, and you will ride in the luggage compartment."

For restaurants:
"Bang that knife on the table once more, and I will put it through your hand."
"Keep it up, and you will not only have to finish your food, but you will go up to every table here and beg for their leftovers, and then you will finish whatever anyone gives to you, and then you will dance until you puke, and then you will eat the puke."
"Do that again, you will leave this restaurant a eunuch."