Tuesday Top Ten: Things Never to Say to Your Husband

A week or so ago, I came across an article entitled "8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Husband." Here is the list from the article, with my comments.

1. "You're just like your father."
Not true, as I do not have a mustache.
2. "When are you going to find a new job?"
When someone offers to pay me six or seven figures to be a ninja.
3. "My mother warned me you'd do this!"
Unlikely, unless I specifically warned your mother to warn you that I'd do this.
4. "Just leave it––I'll do it myself!"
Thanks. I'm going to go play Sporcle.
5. "You always... [fill in the blank]" or "You never... [fill in the blank]"
This is always annoying and never achieves anything, unless its "You always perform well sexually" or "You never join enough fantasy football leagues."
6. "Do you really think those pants are flattering?"
No. In fact, I have documented my problems with pants.
7. "Ugh, we're hanging out with him again?"
Yep.
8. "Please watch the kids. But don't do this, take them here or forget that..."
Okay, but last time they had a great time at the cockfight.

In all seriousness, some of the above phrases are annoying as hell. Both husbands and wives should avoid them if possible.

Before I give you my own list, let me just say that I love my wife, and these are not aimed at her – well, not all of them at least. With that, here are ten other things you should never say to your husband:

10. "I don't want to listen to hair band music right now."
Unless you are at a funeral, this should never be uttered to your husband. Even then, what about "Close My Eyes Forever" by Ozzy Osbourne and Lita Ford, "Mama, I'm Coming Home" by Ozzy Osbourne, "Heaven" by Warrant," "Heaven Is" by Def Leppard, "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC, "Hells Bells" by AC/DC, "Without You" by Motley Crue, "The Final Countdown" by Europe, "Kiss Me Deadly" by Lita Ford, "Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone" by Cinderella, "I Won't Forget You" by Poison, "Chains Around Heaven" by Black 'N' Blue, "Too Late for Love" by Def Leppard, "We All Die Young" by Steel Dragon, "Send Me An Angel" by The Scorpions, "I Remember You" by Skid Row, "Never Say Goodbye" by Bon Jovi, "I'll Never Let You Go" by Steelheart, "Fly to the Angels" by Slaughter, "Live and Let Die" by Guns N' Roses, "Dust N' Bones" by Guns N' Roses, "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" by Guns N' Roses, "Runnin' With the Devil" by Van Halen, or "Hungry for Heaven" by Dio?

9. "Do you think we should get a new [insert any piece of furniture]?"
No.

8. "Don't work out" or "Work out later."
I am not in what most physicians would call good shape. Thus, when I have one of those fleeting moments of inspiration to work out, do not do anything to stop me, unless of course you want your husband to resemble Jabba the Hutt.

7. "Boy, you're really getting a beer gut."
Probably because you never let me work out.

6. "I hate that shirt."
Well, I bought it with the intention of wearing it because I saw something in the shirt I liked, something I believed in. Thus, simply because you don't like the shirt doesn't mean I'm not going to wear it. I may even wear it in front of you from time to time. If you don't like it, keep it to yourself, unless you want me to start ripping on what you're wearing. Lord knows you would take that as an indictment of your character. Just be glad my shirt wasn't designed by Christian Audigier.

5. "[insert name of friend's wife/fiance/girlfriend/paramour] would never let [insert name of friend] do/wear/buy that."
That's why I married you, not anyone else.

4. "I just chopped off your penis and put it in the garbage disposal so that it can never be reattached."
Not cool.

3. (while talking to your child when you're in earshot) "Tell your dad to . . ."
Hey, guess what? I'm right here, I am more than capable of hearing words come out of your mouth, and our kid cannot speak in full sentences. Just say it to me.

2. "I hate [doing a particular sexual act]."
Men thrive on sexual hope. It's often the only thing that keeps us from jumping off of a bridge. Even if you have no intention of ever doing whatever sexual act you apparently deplore, don't tell your husband that. If he can't get freaky with his wife, who can he get freaky with? If you foreclose all possibility of something, he will think, "Great. I'm 30. In the next 40-60 years, I will never again do a standing 69."

1. "It's too bad you aren't good at a sport that can help you lose some weight."
This is especially hurtful when it is the only thing said in response to a monumental archery victory.