Thursday, June 20, 2013

Shit I Hate: Uneven Toilet Paper Plies

Some people are apprehensive about taking a dump at work.  If I worked in a place where a Gargoyle and a Full Monty had been spotted, I might think twice about walking into a stall.  Thankfully, I don't share a work shitter with monsters, so these are not issues I have to deal with.  Between work, kids, the wife, the dog, and TV, sitting down on the pot at work is the only hour during the day I truly have to myself.

The toilet paper at work is not bad.  It is two-ply, which, by definition, is better than one ply, and its surface does not resemble sandpaper, so that's a plus.  However, every once in a while, something goes horribly wrong at the plant where elves put the two plies together, and one ply starts halfway down the first square of the other ply.  The result is bedlam.  Folding becomes a nightmare, as the two plies vie for supremacy, rather than working together.  One ply has four squares and the other has three, or you have to rip one square in half to try to match everything up, but that opens up the possibility of an uneven rip, and who can stand for that?  Basically, it's the worst thing that can happen in a toilet stall, short of that scene from Trainspotting.

And of course it's never going to change.  You might go a couple months where everything lines up, and you're feeling pretty good about your life, then all the sudden you walk into an ass-wiping apocalypse.  Complaining will get you nowhere.  The industrial toilet paper lobby is so far up Congress's ass it's not even funny (pun intended).  So, in the end (no pun intended), you're going to have to deal with that shit (pun intended), and I hate that.

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