The Resurrection

Lent is over, and with the coming of the Easter Bunny, I can now once again partake in the never-ending joys of the devil's water.

Giving up drinking for Lent actually wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. The first weekend was rough, on account of the DTs, but after that it was gravy (meaning I drank gravy instead of beer). I didn't cheat once -- not even a sip. Granted, I gave myself two days of respite, in which I may have made up for the remaining 38 days of sobriety. Whatever. I still lost 8 pounds in 40 days. If I keep up this pace, I will lose an additional 52.6 pounds by the end of the year, weighing less than I have since my freshman year of high school (and probably getting just as much ass as I did then).

In addition to losing some (but certainly not all) of my beer weight, I did accomplish some other things over the last 40 days. For instance, I was able to set a couple personal records on Winter Sports: The Ultimate Challenge on the Wii. And I think I saved a couple hundred bucks. And, despite what my April Fool's ruse may have led you to believe, I did actually finish one thorough edit of my book. Now I just have to enter in all of the edits, find a way to print out over 600 pages again, and repeat the process.

Most importantly, I learned a lot about myself in the last 40 days. The biggest thing I learned is that, contrary to conventional wisdom, I absolutely need alcohol to have fun.

For the remainder of Eastertide, I have the following goals:

• Write a thank-you card to Rocks for allowing me to hang out there for hours on end without ordering any alcohol.
• Hunt down everyone who said that I would fail, and tell them I didn't, jerks.
• I want to be able to legitimately begin a story with the following line: "Things started to get away from me soon after I learned how to make hard-boiled eggs."
• Enter in all of the changes for my first edit, find a way to print out over 600 pages again, and repeat the process.
• See the documentary Anvil! The Story of Anvil, followed by a live performance by the band.
• Open a very large beet store called And The Beets Go On.
• Use fewer puns.
• See a band at The Vic that's both tragic and hip.
• As soon as humanly possible, sing some fucking karaoke -- probably an achingly poignant version of "Since You Been Gone" (in the style of Rainbow) dedicated the pint of Newcastle in my hand at the time, after which I will chug the pint, while sobbing.
• Gain 8 pounds.
• Attend at least one Triple Crown event in person while wearing a seersucker suit.
• Attend at least one 500-mile Indy car race in person while wearing a t-shirt and shorts.
• Kill two birds with one stone, and if I can't, then with two stones.
• Whenever someone answers a question with "tomorrow," I will respond, "Is it tomorrow [pause and stare awkwardly into his or her eyes] or just the end of time?" I'll then cackle like a villain.
• Retract goal of using fewer puns.

And stayed tuned for what I plan to do during Ordinary Time. I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say it won't be -- wait for it -- ordinary. Ah-thank you.