You know I hate Purdue. I've made that abundantly clear. Hell, if you Google "Fuck Purdue" or "I hate Purdue," this here blog is the first result for both searches. Purdue is a vile and despicable place born out of a failed professorship, hog by-products, and a discernible lack of Vitamin D. If you are looking to be underwhelmed, then Purdue is the place for you, from its concrete quads to its consistent underachievement in athletics and academics.
West Lafayette, Indiana is akin to a post-apocalyptic hinterland – not unlike Los Angeles after Skynet – constantly covered in a shroud of gray. Beneath the low-hanging clouds, you will find befuddled and unkempt corn-fed engineering and ag students breathing through their mouths as they trudge around campus in piss-yellow sweatshirts and ill-fitting sweatpants covering skid-marked tidy whities. And the men aren't exactly the picks of the litter either. This is, after all, the school that has produced Brian Cardinal, Kyle Orton, and Carson Cunningham. If you listen closely, you can hear masked screams of ugly-students-past under the constant and bitter wind that wafts the effluence from nearby pig farms and sewage treatment facilities throughout Purdue's campus.
With that introduction, here are the top ten reasons IU is better than Purdue:
10 (tie). While IU touts the fact that the structure for DNA was discovered on its campus, Purdue is proud of the fact that they financed and helped modify the plane that carried Amelia Earhart – who was a whore, mind you – to her death.
10 (tie). Purdue clings to the incorrect notion that it has the largest bass drum in the world. Whether it's the largest or not, one thing is true: it gets hit on more than the average (and I do mean average) Purdue co-ed. Zing!
10 (tie). IU was once ranked the number one party school in the nation by the Princeton Review. Purdue – whose most famous bar is a self-titled "chocolate shop" – once rioted after they won an NCAA title in women's basketball.
10 (tie). IU's campus is perennially ranked as one of the most beautiful campuses in the country, while Purdue needs a giant fan to make it smell less "manure-y."
9. Purdue has courses in animal husbandry, and the National Swine Registry is located in West Lafayette, while IU is home to the Kinsey Institute and the largest library of porn in the world.
8. The women at IU are generally considered to collectively be the best looking women in the Big Ten, if not the entire Midwest. At Purdue, the women are so homely that one of the literate students once wrote an editorial in the school newspaper entitled "Purdue doesn't have enough quality women," and otherwise neutral basketball announcers feel the need to comment about their cheerleaders' lack of attractiveness. If you need further convincing, look no further than former "lady" Boiler Ukari Figgs. Actually, I probably shouldn't have mentioned her. If Jack Link's has taught us anything, it's don't mess with Sasquatch.
7. When attending an athletic event at IU, you might run into John Mellencamp. When attending an athletic event at Purdue, you might run into this:
6. IU's motto, "Lux Et Veritas," when translated, means "light and truth." Purdue's motto, "Education, Research, Service," when translated, means "Keeping Ugly Girls Out of IU since 1869." It's true. I read it on a sign once.5. Quick, name a famous cult leader responsible for one of the largest mass suicides of all-time who went to Purdue. You can't, can you? But if you were talking about IU, then you'd be talking about none other than charismatic Peoples Temple wunderkind Jim Jones.
4. IU is a Public Ivy. Purdue is a public toilet.
3. Bloomington was the setting of an Academy Award winning film, while West Lafayette – although never filmed (too dark) and never actually mentioned on screen in any film ever – is the inspiration behind the titles of such film as "In Hell," "Anatomy of Failure," and "Porky's."
2. IU's basketball coaches have claimed national championships and Final Four berths, while the only championships Purdue's basketball coaches claim are in Goonies character look-alike contests.
1. Purdue allows its football players to take pictures like this:
IU doesn't.
I would be honored if you would add comments with any additional reasons why IU is better than Purdue.
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9 comments:
other than the video of Bob Knight bringing Purdue Pete (a donkey) out on a TV show decades ago, your rants are the best anti-purdue propaganda out there. seriously, have you considered proposing a book along these lines to a publisher? if you made along the lines of the "worst case survival handbook(s)" or position of the day variety, it would surely sell like mad in the indiana urban outfitters locations.
after all, like mark twain said, write what you know.
purdue has a beef blog.
http://www.beefcast.com/BeefBlog
Another great list, but I must correct you with regard to #3. Purdue has been mentioned in a movie before:
"Shit. Hobo from Purdue. I hate Purdue. When's the last time they ever won anything anyway?"
-- Denis Leary, Judgment Night
As for point #6, Lux et veritas is truly a better motto than whatever Purdue's is, but raising it as a point is questionable as IU stole that motto from Yale.
What's wrong with the picture in point #1? I'd tap that...
well at least if you go to purdue, you can tell people you go to purdue and not be ashamed because its not initially obvious that you GO TO SCHOOL IN STATE OF FUCKING INDIANA. assbackwards shithole state. hahaha are all lame - have fun getting railed by your cousin in the bathroom.
Good one, Anonymous. Your command of the English language indicates that you probably went to Oxford. I apologize for offending your sensibilities by going to a large public university and making fun of another large public university. And you're right, hahaha are all lame.
Does IU have a Football Team?
To anon re: Does IU have a football team?
Why yes, they do. And they've won 8 National Soccer Championships, too.
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