Tuesday Top Ten: Favorite and Least Favorite Baby Names for 2010

Sorry for the relative lack of posting lately. I've been busy as all hell preparing for Judgment Day this coming Saturday.

A couple weeks ago, the Social Security Administration released their list of the Top 1000 baby names for 2010. This takes on particular importance, as we have bun number two in the oven, and we have to be cognizant of trends and whatnot. You don't want your kid to have a name that everyone else in his or her class will have, but you also don't want your kid's name to be too bland, too weird, unpronounceable, susceptible to constant misspellings, or to require him or her to always spell it out or say "no, with a 'j,' not a 'y.'" (Note: you should probably avoid names with a silent "j" all together.)

For the first time in 55 years, Elvis in not in the Top 1000. This is nothing short of tragic. I urge anyone having a boy this year to reverse this trend. We're not talking Gene Vincent here, people. Elvis is the King. Pay some homage. But don't name your boy King.

As in years past, I have counted the number of boys' two-syllable names that have a long "a" in the first syllable and a "den" sound in the second syllable. Two years ago it was 38. Last year it was 41. This year it's still at 41: Jayden (4), Aiden (9), Brayden (40), Ayden (79), Jaden (91), Aidan (94), Hayden (96), Kaden (106), Caden (119), Kayden (123), Cayden (151), Kaiden (166), Jaiden (174), Braden (207), Caiden (265), Aden (288), Adan (332), Braydon (337), Zayden (338), Braeden (409), Braiden (468), Jaydon (493), Aaden (556), Jadon (573), Zaiden (618), Aydan (636), Raiden (640), Aydin (664), Kaeden (693), Aidyn (703), Jaeden (708), Bradyn (734), Jaidyn (873), Aedan (884), Jadyn (894), Kadyn (898), Jaydin (903), Rayden (929), Haiden (945), Kadin (985), and Jaydan (999).

It appears to have crested last year, as most of the names are falling in popularity. Braedon (919 last year) fell off the list completely, although it was unfortunately supplanted by Rayden, which is dangerously close to Radon, which is just plain dangerous. Still no Iron Maiden. Maybe in 2011.

Here are my top ten favorite and least favorite names in the Top 1000 (five boys and five girls in each category), in numerical order. I apologize in advance if you have named your child (or plan to name your child) one of the least favorite names, but at the same time, you should probably apologize to your kid. Seriously, though, it's amazing how horrible some of the names in the Top 1000 are.

Boys – Favorite
1. Griffin (231)
For he is the king of the creatures.

2. Leon (417)
As most of you know, this is my favorite boy's name. It means lion, for Christ's sake

3. Ace (619)
Sure, you guarantee your kid is going to be a grifter or a pool hustler, but man, what a ride it's gonna be!

4. Odin (858)
By the hammer of Thor, what a strong name.

5. Legend (946)
I shit you not, this is on the list. It's perfect for someone whose last name is Airy and middle name is Waitforit.

Just missed the list: Maximus (233); Cash (261); Orion (466); Maverick (504); Cannon (599); Memphis (609); Major (880)

Boys – Least Favorite
1. Jayden (4)
In a terrifying power play, Jayden has moved up to #4. Of course, he always carries a shiv, so that's not too much of a surprise. "Should we name him Jay or Aiden? Those are both nice names. I know, let's name him something that everyone will hate, including him."

2. Bentley (101)
This would be perfect if you were naming a Jack Russell or a luxury car.

3. Skyler (262)/Skylar (528)
I've never liked any variation of this name for a boy. These are girls' names, as evidenced by the fact that they are on the girl baby name list (Skylar is 181 and Skyler is 477).

4. Krish (854)
"Chris?"
"No, Krish."
"So is that C-H-R-I-S-H?"
"No, it's K-R-I-S-H."
"Why?"
"Because my parents wanted me to have this conversation every single time I meet someone."

5. Crew (1000)
What? Why not Lacrosse or Squash or any other number of sports popular among the East Coast prep school set? Does this kid come out of the womb listening to Vampire Weekend?

Just missed the list: Braxton (171); Jax (348); Noe (534); Sincere (643); Iker (647); Misael (768); Adonis (796); Lyric (816); Isai (865); Jayvion (913); Bridger (916)

Girls – Favorite
1. Hazel (262)
There simply aren't enough Hazels around anymore, probably because most of them died before glasnost.

2. Willow (290)
You are great.

3. Janae (703)
I love Forrest Gump, so the fact that someone has created a name that is spelled how Forrest Gump pronounces Jenny just saves me the guilt of pronouncing Jenny like him anyway.

4. Abbey (887)
This is a particularly great name if the last name is Road (or Rhodes, etc.).

5. Azaria (905)
It's nice to see that the vocal characterization abilities of Hank Azaria are finally being recognized by American parents.

Just missed the list: None. These are the only five acceptable names for girls.

Girls – Least Favorite
1. Nevaeh (25)
"Is this Nevaeh?"
"No, it's Awoi -- her twin sister."
I also still think this sounds like a skincare product.

2. Ashlyn (156)
Although I am a fan of word combinations in general, you may be surprised to find out that I think word combinations in names are generally terrible. This one is a prime example. Ashley or Lynn would have been acceptable. Ashlyn sounds like a girl who one day strip, sometimes for money.

3. Maci (232)
In general, I have no problem with Macy, nor her redneck cousin, Maci. However, the article about baby names I read changed my mind about the latter. "The top 1,000 names includes Maci, modeled after one of the stars of MTV's '16 and Pregnant' and 'Teen Mother,' Maci Bookout. Maci was the fastest-growing girl's name in the country in 2010." Anyone who names their child after someone on 16 and Pregnant should be sterilized. There, I said it.

4. Journey (422)
Don't stop believin'.

5. Precious (960)
Your daughter is not a fucking cat. Or is she?

Just missed the list: Genesis (89); Paris (327); Tenley (458); Brynlee (509); Briley (656); Ember (825); Kynlee (886); Princess (901); Kimber (961)