Most Popular Baby Names for 2009 Released

I love the Social Security Administration's annual list of the most popular baby names, which generally confirms my belief that people are morons.

When Jester and I toiled over baby names, we thought long and hard about the consequences of each name. (FYI, there are no bad consequences for naming a boy Leon.) We didn't want a name that was too trendy (Emma, Abby), too cutesy (Birdie), too weird (Propecia), is a dog's name (Bailey, Riley), might result in bad nicknames (Dysenteria), or is associated with people we hate or don't respect (Daria – God, I hated that show). That's why Daughter was a perfect name. It is reassuring to see that Daughter was not a Top 1000 name for girls (or boys, for that matter). At least I know my kid's name isn't trendy.

Here are the top ten for boys and girls born in 2009:

Boys
1. Jacob. Classic biblical name.
2. Ethan. Douche.
3. Michael. No problems with archangels.
4. Alexander. No problems with this either, although you better hope he is great.
5. William. No problems here either.
6. Joshua. Easy nickname: Tree.
7. Daniel. No problems here, although I would caution against it if you have a lions den. That's just too cliché.
8. Jayden. (Sigh) See "Terrifying trends" below.
9. Noah. "Hey Noah, nice ark. Now give me your lunch money before I beat you with my fists, two-by-two."
10. Anthony. Nothing wrong with this, either.

Girls
1. Isabella. A nice classic name for an Italian whore.
2. Emma. You might as well just name her Baby Spice.
3. Olivia. I can't believe the post-Cosby Show wave has lasted this long.
4. Sophia. Apparently there are a lot of Golden Girls fans in the US.
5. Ava. I don't have anything against this name.
6. Emily. This one's fine too.
7. Madison. This seems like a name for girls who will eventually drive Range Rovers.
8. Abigail. I actually like this name.
9. Chloe. At least it's not spelled "Khloe." That spelling is 95th, just behind, cough, Serenity.
10. Mia. Mama Mia!

Terrifying trends:
-Jayden is now the 8th most popular name for boys. Thank you Britney Spears for ensuring that a good chunk of the newest generation will never be CEOs or politicians. With a name like Jayden, you're pretty much relegated to telemarketing or motocross. It's like the Brandy of boys' names. Not that I have anything against Brandy. She's a fine girl and would make a good wife, but she's also a barmaid, and I'm a pirate.

-Andrew has fallen to 15th, its lowest rank since 1982. This is a classic, manly name (as long as you don't muck it up by calling the kid Andy), associated with dying spread-eagle. It doesn't get any cooler than that.

-Elvis has fallen from 713 to 858. Come on, America. Don't let the King's legacy fade.

-Speaking of which, King was the 462nd most popular boys name. King. I wonder how many times in each of their lives they'll be asked whether a particular girl is their queen. Do parents not think of this kind of stuff?

-Nevaeh, which is heaven spelled backward, was the 34th most popular name for girls (and Heaven was 275, and the misspelled Neveah was 959). What the fuck, people? Sure, Werdna (or Semaj, which is 674 for boys) is a cool way to confuse people, but I wouldn't name my kid that. Worse yet, Navaeh sounds an awful lot like a skin care product. And Heaven? You're pretty much just setting your kid up for failure and a lifetime of merciless teasing. Don't be surprised if there is a Satanist backlash. You might think Lleh is Welsh, but in reality is even more evil.

-Along those same lines, Genesis is the 83rd most popular girls' name. When she gets older, I'm guessing she'll want an exodus from that name. Hi-yoohhhh!

-Brooklyn is the 37th most popular girls' name. That's terrible. And the following are names that people have actually bestowed upon their sons: Trenton (208), Kingston (225), Dallas (338), Phoenix (367), London (517), Dayton (521), Boston (540), Memphis (605), Branson (815), and Houston (935). As Coach Finstock once told me, never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.

-As I did last year, I have counted the number of boys' two-syllable names that have a long "a" in the first syllable and a "den" sound in the second syllable. Last year it was 38. This year it's up to 41: Jayden (8), Aiden (12), Brayden (47), Aidan (72), Ayden (85), Hayden (91), Jaden (101), Kaden (102), Caden (103), Kayden (138), Cayden (143), Kaiden (169), Jaiden (171), Braden (185), Aden (253), Caiden (260), Aaden (271), Adan (293), Braydon (310), Braeden (374), Zayden (399), Jaydon (418), Jadon (505), Braiden (484), Bradyn (621), Aydan (622), Jaeden (636), Aydin (646), Raiden (670), Kaeden (716), Aidyn (724), Zaiden (763), Jaydin (799), Jadyn (804), Jaidyn (807), Kadyn (834), Aedan (838), Kadin (839), Jaydan (856), Haiden (911), and Braedon (919). All these, you no Iron Maiden. Maybe in 2010.

-The following boys' names should be reserved only for porn pseudonyms or characters in Westerns or spy films: Gage (141), Cash (250), Dakota (251), Colt (370), Jett (390), Justice (428), Talon (436), River (448), Maverick (543), Remington (583), Ace (608), Cannon (623), Nash (673), Gauge (718), Blaze (818), Bronson (897), Sterling (901)

Here are some names about which I felt compelled to comment:

Boys
Sergio (224). A baby should be named Sergio only if he comes out of the womb with a pencil-thin mustache.
Ryker (353). Might as well name him Attica (or Attyca), or even Atticus (#609).
Titus (439). Maybe Dexter's Class would have been a better name. Or Herman's Head.
Maximiliano (460). It's a bit garish.
Cullen (485). "Son, we named you after a vampire from a book and movie series aimed at teenage girls. I think you should just focus on the vampire part."
Noe (544). No.
Luciano (653). He better be lucky.
Sincere (700). It's bad enough that anyone should be named Sincere, but it's worse for a boy. At least if it was a girl, when she undoubtedly grows up to be a porn star, she could have a series entitled "In Sincere."
Misael (748). Is that pronounced "missile"? Or like a gay southern man pronouncing "Miss L"?
Jagger (764) and Lennon (951). You can't just take a rock star's last name and make it into your kid's first name. Obviously, that last sentence is not true.
Jair (798) and Yair (837). The Jair (or Yair) up there.
Ean (808). Is that pronounced "een" or "ee-an"? You can pretty much guarantee he will be asked that on a daily basis for the next 28 years, right up until he commits suicide.
Aarav (814) and Arnav (870). They will either be fortune tellers or trapeze artists.
Bridger (867). "What does your son do?" "He builds and repairs bridges." "Oh, so he's a bridger." "Yes, that's why we named him Bridger."
Krish (879). Everyone will just assume he pronounces "Chris" weirdly.
Yael (930). "Dude, you should totally go to Yale." "I can't. My parents don't know how to spell."
Fletcher (931). If your son makes arrows, then yes. On the bright side, you can call him Fletch.
Slade (937). Mama, weer all crazee now.
German (944). I guess Justin Bieber was wrong. We do use this term in America.
Juelz (972). Not that Jules is necessarily a better option, but at least it wouldn't look like a four-year-old was attempting to spell "Jules."
Chaz (991). Under no circumstances should you name your kid Chaz.
Mustafa (1000). That Hansel is so hot right now.

Girls
Trinity (74). I'm glad to see The Matrix is still making its mark.
Marley (149). Again, you should never give your daughter the same name as a famous dog.
Scarlett (169). Scarlett is a whore's name. (On a side note, the only Scarlett I've ever met is not a whore, so I might be wrong on this one.)
Cadence (222). Cadence is a noun, not a pronoun.
Lexi (259) and Lexie (498). At least with Alexis, she has the option of not having a name that rhymes with "sexy."
Ivy (32). Ivy is a whore's name. (On a side note, the only Ivy I've ever known of was Ivy Crane on Passions, and she was a whore.)
Georgia (337). On my mind. Too easy.
Madisyn (359). This spelling is not good. It looks like an over-the-counter nasal congestion medicine. "My sinuses were killing me. Then I took two Madisyn, and they cleared up almost immediately, allowing me to do the things I wanted to do with my day." Cue picture of her riding a bike.
Paola (381). Inevitably, she will eat eucalyptus leaves and/or bring down Alan Freed.
Itzel (398). Yes, but what does itzel?
Harley (423). Harley is, in fact, my dog's name. It is also about as butchy a name you can give a girl.
Yaretzi (478). This is uncomfortably close to Yatzee.
Journey (497). Life is a journey.
Diamond (501). Diamond is the quintessential stripper name. It is impossible to stress that point too often.
Yareli (512). "Boy, yareli yelled at him Yareli."
Aspen (589). This also sounds like a stripper name. "Aspen to the center stage please."
Charlie (616). This is only acceptable for a female when it's a code name given to you by the United States Navy. She is a civilian, so you do not salute her.
Sanaa (731). First, it reeks of Dutch influence. Second, if you say it backwards, it's "anus."
Patience (747). Said sugar, take it slow. Things'll work out right.
Precious (783). Isn't she?
Azul (792). I know it means "blue" in Spanish, but it also sounds like a demon or maybe an evil ghost from Ghostbusters. Regardless, it's not a great name for a girl.
Jamya (803). Any name that could vaguely sound like a sexual metaphor should be avoided. "I want to jam ya right in the sanaa."
Shyanne (812). It's the opposite of Outgoinganne.
Calleigh (832). Why would I want to call Leigh?
Aracely (854). I don't know what to do with this one.
Belen (877). Because Helen might be too old-fashioned.
Maryjane (891). Come on.
Dixie (935). Really?
Deja (979). God dammit, no.