American Horror Story: The Last Three Episodes

Due to Ace Frehley concerts, trips to Cali, Blackout Wednesday, and laziness, I have been unable to watch the last three episodes of American Horror Story on their air dates.  To top it off, I won't be able to watch tomorrow night's episode because I will be getting bombed.  Too soon?

Anywho, I got caught up tonight on the last three episodes – "Open House," "Rubber Man," and "Spooky Little Girl."  Here's what we learned:

-Larry and Constance apparently had some sort of relationship before Larry burned his family to death.  In 1994, Larry murdered Constance's other son at her behest.  This other son was chained to the flood in the attic of the Murder House and looked like something between Sloth from Goonies and Eric Stoltz in Mask.  His name is Beau, not Luke or Coy or Vance.

-Viv is carrying in her womb twins – not the devil, as had been previously surmised.

-A man of Armenian descent is interested in buying the Murder House, probably because Hot Moira give him a BJ.  Ghost Bang #1.  He wants to tear the Murder House down and build condos.  Constance tries to convince him not to buy the house.  Moira and Larry use a more effective method.  Hot Moira bites the Armenian's dick off, and then Larry puts a bag over his head and suffocates him to death.  I didn't realize Hot Moira and Larry were Turks.

-Viv can't even twirl her bean without thinking of Ricky (he may be getting a full ride to USC, after all), Ben (he is a philanderer, after all), and Latex Man (he is wearing a full black latex body suit, after all).

-Turns out Larry didn't burn his family to death.  His wife did after Larry told her that he was in love with Constance.  Larry really wants to buy the Murder House because he thinks that will get him back in Constance's pants.

-Back in the day, Dr. Charles apparently reconstructed his child, Re-Animator style, by inserting a whore's beating heart into his sewn-together infant body.  Thaddeus, which is a horrible name for a child, even in the 1920s, wasn't quite normal as a result.  It craved blood, not milk.  Dr. Charles's wife, boobs worse for the wear, killed Dr. Charles and then herself.

-Tate teaches Violet that all you have to do to get ghosts to go away is say "go away."  If only we could do the same with Tim Tebow.

-We find out that when Latex Man banged Viv back in like the first or second episode when Ben was in a trance.  It was, in fact, Tate.  So that's rape according to the classic definition of the word.  Ghost Bang #2. 

-We learn that Spock bought the Latex Man suit because he caught Trainer Banger on some S&M chat room.  Spock goes to a bondage store to buy something to spice up the relationship.  The clerk at the bondage store shows Spock "the ultimate asslock, also known as the 'apple of anguish.'"  THE APPLE OF ANGUISH.  Spock buys the Latex Man suit instead.  We get confirmation that Tate killed Spock and Trainer Banger while wearing the Latex Man suit.

-Hayden shows up again because that's what psycho dead sluts do.  She finds Dr. Charles's wife sobbing on Viv's bed.  Dr. Charles's wife, whose name is Nora, has no idea she's dead, despite the fact that she has been this way for 80 years.  Hayden explains what's going on with the Murder House, and the power that comes with being a ghost.  She also proposes that she and Nora steal Viv's twins.  The plan?  Make Viv go crazy and then they'll each get one of the babies.  It's your textbook "ghosts get the crazy's babies" grift.

-Violet has been playing hooky.  With education cutbacks, it's no wonder the truant officers weren't able to find her sooner.

-The word "hysteria" comes from the Greek word for uterus.  Make sense.

-Old Moira tells Viv the Murder House is possessed.  Apparently Viv needed a 150-year-old ginger who morphs between Hot and Old to realize that.

-Tate bangs Violet.  Ghost Bang #3. 

-Marcy, the realtor, carries a handgun in her purse.  Viv steals it for protection.  Thing is, you can't kill a ghost, even if it's wearing full-body black latex.  Proving once again that no one should carry handguns, Viv accidentally shoots Ben when he busts into the bedroom to help her because she's screaming.  Ricky shows up, as well as the real cops.  Ricky tells the cops that Viv and Ben are estranged.  Viv takes some Valium, which doesn't help when Hayden and Latex Man come to torment her.  Ben and Ricky bust in, and it's just Viv freaking out.  Thus, Viv is taken away to a hospital because of hysteria.  Pregnancy brain!  Ughhhh!

-In 1947, a dentist lived in the Murder House, where he has a home-office.  Mena Suvari, who looks very much like a fetus, shows up to get a filling, if you know what I mean.  She's a struggling actress who wants to make it big.  She then becomes the Black Dahlia murder victim.  From here on out, to the extent she is relevant, I will refer to her as Black Dahlia because calling her Mena Suvari would destroy me.  Anyway, the story goes that the dentist gassed her, then banged her, and then realized she was dead.  Ghost Bang #4?  He took her body to the basement, where Dr. Charles stepped in, cut her in half, and gave her the now-famous "Black Dahlia smile."

-Constance – who is a whore, mind you – is also a painter.  Her subject matter is a bit macabre.  She makes Travis – her boy toy – walk her dog, which is a dachshund.  Hayden sees Travis and seduces him, and bangs him.  Ghost Bang #5.

-Black Dahlia shows up to see Ben.  Turns out, she's a whore.  She wants to trade sex for psychiatrist help.

-Check this shit out:  Viv's twins are from DIFFERENT FATHERS.    It's rare, but possible.  Ben doesn't take this well.  He goes to the hospital and accuses a drugged-up Viv of philandering, of all things.

-Ben walks in on Black Dahlia and Hot Moira making out on the couch.  It's pretty awesome, but Ben declines their invitation to join in, which is odd, given that he's a philanderer.  No Double Ghost Bang.  He tells Black Dahlia he can no longer treat her, and he fires Hot Moira.  After he and Hot Moira leave the room, Hayden walks in and tells Black Dahlia that she's dead and that her murder was famous.  She did make it big!

-Constance asks Travis to marry her.  Jesus Christ, he's like 22 and she's like 60.  He says he's not so sure, and she tells him he's never going to make it in Hollywood.  She's very rude.  He leaves and goes to bang Hayden in the basement of the Murder House.  Ghost Bang #6.  She doesn't come, so she stabs him to death.  Thank God I don't have sex with ghosts.  They mutilate and dispose of him Black Dahlia style, with Larry's help. 

-Ben hits the panic button so that Ricky comes over.  He does, very quickly.  He is a star running back, after all.  Ben accuses Ricky of philandering, of all things.  Ricky reveals that he shoots blanks, so the second baby can't be his.  Damn.  I was looking forward to an "Ebony and Ivory" sonogram montage.

-Ben has some sort of paranormal breakthrough while talking to Moira.  Suddenly, he no longer sees her as Hot Moira, but rather as Old Moira.  Shit.

-Billie Dee, the lovable psychic, tells Constance that when a new Pope is chosen, he is shown a small box with the secret of the end of the world – the precise nature of the anti-Christ.  This is the reverse Immaculate Conception, a human chick impregnated by a demon.  Awwww shit.

-Southern Comfort Fiery Pepper sounds like an awful idea.

We are left with the following questions:

1.  Why do Constance and Larry want to keep the house standing so bad?

2.  Do you call them clerks if they work at bondage stores?

3.  Would the State of California give a crazy woman's twins to two ghosts?

4.  What's it like to bang a ghost?  Dry, I'm guessing.

5.  Now that Ben can no longer see Hot Moira, does that mean the rest of us are deprived?

6.  So is Viv having the devil's baby after all?  How will that little devil get along with his or her fully human twin?

7.  Hayden:  what a bitch, right?

8.  How will Viv react when she finds out one of her twins is fathered by a 17-year-old ghost who is in love with her daughter?

9.  How will Violet react when she finds out one of her twin siblings is father by a 17-year-old who is in love with her?

10.  How is Tate going to pay child support?  He's a ghost, not to mention a murderer.  Not even Carl's, Jr. wants to deal with that.