Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Fuckout

It's a fact:  people hate working out.  The only reason anyone has ever worked out in the history of mankind is to be more appealing to the opposite sex (or the same sex, not that there's anything wrong with that), to increase the chances of having sexual intercourse.

What if I told you there was a fitness plan that allowed you to burn calories without stepping into a gym, running, or lifting a weight?  You'd say, "That's impossible, GMYH." 
And what if I told you there was a fitness plan that contained no dietary restrictions?  You'd say, "Come on, GMYH, you're pulling my leg."  And what if I told you that there was a fitness plan that would guarantee you have more sex.  You'd say, "Seriously GMYH, get the fuck out."  Exactly.

Introducing the Fuckout®, a revolutionary new fitness plan that gets you in shape by doing nothing more than the thing you most want to do: it.  Why get a workout when you can get the Fuckout?

Tired of waking up early to workout?  Get the Fuckout.
Sick of waiting to use the abductor/adductor machine at the gym?  Get the Fuckout.
Can't afford those costly gym memberships?  Get the Fuckout.
Haven't been having enough sex lately?  Tell your partner to get the Fuckout.

"Hold on a minute.  Are you telling me I can have sex instead of working out?"  Yes.

"But how does the Fuckout benefit my health?"  You rarely see a fat prostitute, and there's a reason for that.  30 minutes of sex burns at least 85 calories, and much more depending on your position, amount and intensity of foreplay, the vigor with which you thrust or bounce, and/or level of freakiness.  And burning calories isn't the only benefit of taking the skin boat to Tuna Town. According to a WebMD article:

-People who have sex are less stressed and can better handle stress.
-More sex means lower blood pressure and better immunity (unless you have HIV, in which case, I beg you not to get the Fuckout).
-Sex reduces the risk of heart attacks, strokes, and prostate cancer.
-Sex boosts self-esteem.
-Sex improves intimacy.  Couples that play together stay together.  And by "play," I mean "get the Fuckout."
-Sex reduces pain (unless you're into that, of course).
-Sex strengthens pelvic floor muscles in women.
-Sex helps you sleep better.

"Whoa whoa whoa.  I don't understand all of that medical mumbo jumbo.  Plain English, please."  Everyone loves to have sex, sex makes people happy, sex makes you thinner, and sex prevents death.

"But if I run or lift weights, I may burn 200-300 calories in 30 minutes.  That's 600-900 calories burned if I workout three times a week.  So why would I want to get the Fuckout if I have to have sex 7-10 times a week to burn the same number of -- nevermind.  As I was asking that question, I realized how stupid it sounded."  That's right, it did sound stupid.  Would you rather workout three times a week or have sex everyday?  No contest.

"What if I'm not good at sex?"  I want to let you in on a little secret, and it may shock you.  Nobody is good at sex.  In fact, a recent study showed that there are only four people in the world who are truly good at sex, and all of them live in the San Fernando Valley and/or have full-blown AIDS.  But the Fuckout is like any exercise routine. The more you do it, the better you become, the longer you last, and the more calories you burn.

"When can I get the Fuckout?"  There is no bad time of day to do it.  You can get the Fuckout morning, noon, or night.

"What if I like working out?  Can I still get the Fuckout?"  First, let me just say I think you're weird.  Second, the beauty about the Fuckout is its flexibility.  You can use it as a stand-alone plan, or you can use it to supplement your current workout routine.  I've even seen videos where particularly ambitious couples do both at the same time.

"Where can I get the Fuckout?"  You can get the Fuckout anywhere:  at home, at the office, in a motor lodge, on a plane, in a car, on a boat, in a field, in the men's room at The Aragon, in the butt.

"Can I drink alcohol and get the Fuckout?"  Absolutely.  If anything, the Fuckout becomes more effective with alcohol because alcohol often prolongs the Fuckout.  Of course, if you drink too much alcohol, you may experience what doctors call "whiskey dick" or, in women, "wine vagina," which negatively affects your ability to effectively engage in any sexual activities.

"How much does it cost?"  Absolutely nothing.  You can get the Fuckout for free.  (Note:  While getting the Fuckout does not cost anything, if you fail to use effective methods of birth control or fail to have safe sex, it may end up costing you several hundred thousand dollars and your livelihood.)

"Are you a doctor?"  Shit no.  I'm just a guy who likes having sex.

"I'm pregnant.  Can I get the Fuckout?"  Sounds like you already did!  All kidding aside, you can have sex well into your third trimester.  In fact, there's an old wives' tale that having sex can induce labor, so if you're a few days overdue, tell your husband, live-in boyfriend, or paramour that it may be time to get the Fuckout.

"I don't want to get pregnant.  Is the Fuckout right for me?"  Of course it is.  All you have to do is use one or more of any number of birth control options available at your local pharmacy.  Or, if you're really committed, you can get your tubes tied and get the Fuckout the rest of your life with no consequences (aside from the occasional venereal disease, of course).

"How can I get the Fuckout?"  That's the beauty about the Fuckout.  There is nothing to buy and no equipment to use (unless you're into that).  In fact, you don't even need clothes to get the Fuckout.  All you need is a willing, preferably disease-free sexual partner who is at or above the age of consent in your jurisdiction.

So there you have it.  Now, instead of working out to increase your chances of having sex, all you have to do is have more sex to increase your chances of having sex.  Forget that gym, those weights, and those treadmills and ellipticals.  What are you waiting for?  Get the Fuckout tonight to ensure you have a Happy Valentine's Day.

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