Thursday, May 23, 2013

Shit I Hate: People Who Don't Get Out of the Way When Train Doors Open

I ride the L to work every day, and while some people can't stand it, I really don't mind it.  It's faster than driving, and it gives me time to read literotica on my way to and from work.  I understand the train will be crowded during rush hour, and frankly, it would be an inefficient use of resources if it wasn't crowded. 

What infuriates me, however, are people who refuse to move out of the way to let people exit the train.  When you're standing near the door, it's common courtesy to get off the train and stand next to the door at each station.  This allows everyone who was not lucky enough to stand near the door to exit the train in a manner that doesn't involve pushing, swearing, and/or the near sodomization of your backpack because you won't move from the center of the entranceway.

"But I can just move to one side, and that will be fine."  No, dicknose, it won't be fine.  You know why?  Because people are coming from both sides.  Thus, when you move to one side, you block that side, which often causes you to do a side-to-side dance that alternately blocks people on both sides, causing an logjam, when you could have just stepped three fucking feet forward and stood next to the open doors while everyone flowed off in an orderly manner.

"But the only people that need to step out are the ones leaning against the doors.  No one else is in anyone's way."  I have a right mind to slap your fat face.  People are trying to get out from the aisles on both sides of the door and from the doorway on the opposite side of the train.  Thus, if you are standing anywhere within five feet of the doors, you are in the way.  Perhaps you don't notice people saying "excuse me" as they try to get around you and the apparent boulder that's three feet in diameter you have in your backpack, as you stand right at the end of the aisle, clinging to the pole as if letting go for five seconds will end your pathetic life.  Move.

"But how can I be expected to know that people are trying to get by me when I'm reading, listening to my iPod, or playing Words With Friends on my phone?"  Here's a trick I find helpful:  when the train stops, look up.  If there are people trying to get around you, get the fuck out of their way.  I find this works much better than pretending that, just because you have earbuds in and/or are reading this month's issue of The Economist, you have no idea you are on a crowded train.
"But how will I possibly get back on the train once I've gotten off?  I am so scared right now."  Once everyone has exited, you step back on the train.  I'll let you in on a little secret:  there has not been a single time that I have stepped off the train to let people off that I have not gotten back on the train.  On the other hand, I have seen situations where people can't get off the train and miss their stop because there is some ass clown blocking the end of the aisle, terrified that moving out of the way will force them to relinquish their coveted spot near the door.  You know what?  You're not always going to be able to have a spot right next to the door, and you will be extremely able to exit the train at your stop, even if you're a few feet further into the train.  Unless, of course, there is someone like you blocking the aisle.  It is then, when you are trying to get around the bizarro version of yourself –- giant backpack sticking out, Beats headphones blasting dance remixes of '80s sitcom theme songs, reading War and Peace in one hand while scrolling through Facebook on the phone with the other, stinking like a combination of cabbage and stale cigarette smoke -- that you will realize the error of your ways and, from that moment forward, you will exit the train to let people off.  Until then, I will hate you and probably give you an extra bump on my way out of the train.

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