Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Tuesday Top Ten: Names I Would Give to a Race Horse

This past Saturday, the fam and I had the pleasure of watching some ponies race around the track at Arlington.  While watching those majestic animals gallop past me -- usually in an order that was not conducive to me winning money -- I wondered who named them and how their names were chosen.  Aside from a seeing-eye pony, I don't ever intend to own a horse, but I would like to name race horses for a living.  Hell, I'd even do it for free.  

With that in mind, I have come up with the top ten names I'd give to a race horse.  When coming up with these names, I went for hilarity, dark hilarity, and names that would be hilarious when shouted aloud repeatedly by a track announcer during a race.  They are in no particular order, except alphabetic.

1.  C U Next Tuesday
2.  Chasing Elmer
3.  Don't Tase Me Bro
4.  Glue Factory
6.  I Just Tooted
6.  I Molest Collies
7.  In Second Place
8.  Lookatmybitchtits
9.  My Dixie Wrecked
10.  Sarah Jessica Parker, Sometimes
11.  Shesellsseashells
12.  Stop Looking At Me Swan
13.  That's Actually a Zebra
14.  The Horse In First Place Just Died On The Track
15.  Turd Burglar
16.  Where Are My Pants 
17.  You Can't Stop Mike Hawk
18.  Your Mudder Was a Mudder

For all of you race horse owners out there, feel free to use any of these.  All I ask is that, when you win the Triple Crown with one or more of these horses, you give me a shout-out and $1 million.