Saturday, December 15, 2007

Hey Stellaaaaa!

So I was in Walgreen's about 26 minutes ago, grabbing some Curel to care for the tattoo I got 12 minutes before that (more on that once I take the bandage off and upload a picture). Anywho, I was walking up towards the front of Walgreen's, dreaming of what life would be like as a merman, when I encountered an empty double stroller with a mom standing behind it and her two daughters running rampant by the candy shelves at checkout. One of the girls was about 3 and named Stella, which a lot of people don't realize has been a dog name since the 1960s. Stella had managed to grab a king size Butterfinger, bent it in half (I guess there are two parts) and was gnawing on the outside of the wrapper. Instead of taking the Butterfinger out of Stella's hand and delivering a painful open-handed blow to Stella's mouth, the mom feigned authority and said "Stella, oh my God. What are you doing? Get back in the stroller. Now we'll have to buy that." The mom, of course, made no attempt to put Stella back in the stroller or any attempt to enforce her command, instead choosing to walk away and tend to her other young daughter who was probably named Bailey or Fido or Santa's Little Helper.

Undaunted, Stella continued her assault on the Butterfinger, figuring out that the candy bar itself tastes better than the wrapper. She managed to open the wrapper and toss half of the candy bar on the floor, then she picked it back up and started to eat it. At this point, her mom once again got "mad" at Stella by sternly saying, "Oh my God, Stella. You are being a bad girl. Stop eating that and get in the stroller." Stella, realizing that her mom is about as likely to punish her as I am to fake an orgasm, strutted nonchalantly towards the stroller happily eating the Butterfinger. As expected, the mom did not take the candy bar from Stella, nor did she ensure that Stella actually got into the stroller, nor did she grab Stella and shake her into unconsciousness. Rather, this "mother" walked in the opposite direction to look at a beautiful sale display of handsoap. I had to censor my instinctive reaction to say, "You're a horrible mom, and your child is an unruly monster who would probably behave if you actually put as much effort into punishing her as you do announcing to all of Walgreen's that your daughter is a disobedient malefactor. To you ma'am, I say good day." This woman is why most kids today are assholes. At what point did parents stop parenting? If I tried to pull that shit, my mom or dad would have grabbed the Butterfinger out of my hand and probably paid for it just so they could throw it away in front of me or hit me with it or eat it themselves. For those of you who are reading this who have young children, please do everyone a favor and treat your children like what they are: children. It's okay to yell at them, punish them, and snatch a stolen Butterfinger from them every now and then. Thank God I'm sterile.

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