Wednesday, December 19, 2007
My Other Daughter's Pregnant, Y'all
So Lynne Spears, mother of media darlings Britney and Jamie Lynn, is apparently writing a book on parenting, which was delayed indefinitely today. I don't know what's funnier, the fact that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn was getting statutorily raped -- er, I mean nailed -- by a 19-year-old douche who apparently hates condoms, pulling out, and Jesus or the fact that Lynne is writing a book on a subject which she obviously knows so very little about. Interestingly, the book is NOT entitled "How to Raise Whores Who Get Impregnated by D-Bags and Why You Should be Pro-Choice." I think I could probably write a better book on parenting than Lynne Spears, even though I've never even owned a child (although I do own a dog who has managed to stave off pregnancy despite nearly regenerating her uterus). My book would be entitled, "Tell Your Daughter To Close Her Fucking Legs." It would be filled with commonsense tips on dealing with rambunctious teenage girls who like to spread their legs at the mere scent of a male, with chapter titles including, (1) "If You Get Pregnant While You're Still In High School, You're Not Getting a Dime From Us, You Filthy Street Walker," (2) "You're Grounded Because You're a Whore," (3) "Surreptitious Ways to Implant Birth Control Pills in Your Daughter's Food," (4) "That Nice Guy Dating Your Daughter Is Probably a 37-Year-Old Rapist," (5) "Babies Aren't Cute, They're Siphons," (6) "Your 20s, and Why You Should Enjoy Them," (7) "Pregnant Chicks Don't Win Prom Queen," (8) "There is Nothing Wrong With Blowjobs," (9) "Ponies, Puppies, and Other Ways to Reward a Prude," (10) "The Amateur Hysterectomy and You," (11) "Coat Hangers and Vacuums: A Reluctant Grandparent's Best Friends." Oh, who am I kidding, this is the book I've been writing all this time.