Hair Band Friday - Halloween

Today's Match-Up: Are You Gonna Go My Way? by Lenny Kravitz vs. Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes

Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation Round 1 Update

We have our first upset! #21 Right Now by Van Halen holds off #12 Closer by NIN by a 54%-46% margin. Up next is Are You Gonna Go My Way? by Lenny Kravitz vs. Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes.

(For details on the countdown to the Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation, click here.)

1. Enter Sandman by Metallica (1991) (80%)
32. Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers (1991)

16. Come Out and Play by The Offspring (1994)
17. Longview by Green Day (1994) (54%)

9. Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses (1987) (80%)
24. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys (1994)

8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1987) (65%)
25. Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots (1994)

5. November Rain by Guns N' Roses (1991) (74%)
28. My Hero by Foo Fighters (1997)

12. Closer by Nine Inch Nails (1994)
21. Right Now by Van Halen (1991) (54%)

13. Are You Gonna Go My Way? By Lenny Kravitz (1993)
20. Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes (1990)

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard (1987)
29. Epic by Faith No More (1989)

3. Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi (1986)
30. Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson (1996)

14. Loser by Beck (1994)
19. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette (1995)

11. Plush by Stone Temple Pilots (1992)
22. More Human Than Human by White Zombie (1995)

6. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (1987)
27. Violet by Hole (1994)

7. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991)
26. Today by Smashing Pumpkins (1993)

10. Mother by Danzig (1993)
23. Cult of Personality by Living Colour (1988)

15. Killing in the Name Of by Rage Against the Machine (1992)
18. Creep by Radiohead (1993)

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (1991)
31. Dammit by Blink 182 (1997)

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 10/30/08

Guy at a wedding: "Why is that 10 year old girl wearing combat boots?"
Girl: "Um, she's handicapped, and those are fake legs."
--Chicago, Ravenswood
Eavesdropper: The Floppy Burrito

Twentysomething female, discussing her lost media card from her phone: "I have an open hole where I once had a soul."
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thirtysomething woman speaking conversationally: "Oh, I've seen laxatives in all forms."
--Chicago, North & Wieland
Eavesdropper: RobD

Twentysomething female: "I love Keith. Keith Richards. Who is Keith Richards?"
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdropper: GMYH

A Venezuelan male: "Central American girls don't have the hooter factor."
--Chicago, Hi Tops, Lincoln & Montana
Eavesdropper: RDC

Guy, to girl getting married: "I hear Buddy Guy's going to be at your wedding."
Other girl: "No no. Buddy Holiday."
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Drunk IU tailgater to a Northwestern fan walking nearby: "Suck it, nerd burglar!"
--Bloomington, IN, tailgating fields
Eavesdroppers: Can Can, Schnelly

Despondent yuppie female on crowded train to dude: "Why do people get together? Why even have relationships?"
--Chicago, Brown Line train
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Guy is talking on phone to his mom outside a bar, pauses, puts phone down, and says: "I just said hi to my mom, and she said 'I just put some nuts in my mouth.'"
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdroppers: Gregerson, Dancing Bear

Twentysomething guy tailgating: "I tell you what: it's hard to find mangos at four in the morning in Columbus, Indiana."
--Bloomington, IN, tailgating fields
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thanks to all who contributed. When you overhear something hilariou, email it to gmyhblog@yahoo.com for inclusion in the next Midwestern Eavesdropping.

New Book - Slash

Yesterday on the L ride home, I finished Downtown Owl by Chuck Klosterman. It's Klosterman's first novel, and certainly a departure from his other books. The book is from the third-person point of view of three residents of Owl, a fictional small town in North Dakota, from August 1983 to February 1984: (1) Mitch, a third-string QB on the Owl HS football team, (2) Julia, a new-to-Owl high school teacher who just graduated from Wisconsin, and (3) Horace, a 73-year-old lifelong Owl resident whose wife died many years ago. Each chapter focuses on one of the three, with a random chapter here and there focusing on a minor character. They're lives are loosely interrelated, and Klosterman does a great job of explaining what makes each of them tick. His detail and the back stories are great. The end of the book -- which I'm not at liberty to disclose -- came out of nowhere, which I suppose was the point. All in all, I give a thumbs up to Klosterman's first work of fiction.

My next book is about Saul Hudson co-written by Saul Hudson.

Messed Up Birthday Presents

So I got some pretty cool birthday presents: CDs, books, a Beatles clock, a corn hole set, a box of RU-486. But two "presents" were particularly odd. I went out to my mom's house before she, Jessie, Reed, Sarah, and I went to dinner.

Apparently when I was 9, I made a bookmark as part of some bookmark-making program at the local book depository. If you know my mom, it should come as no surprise that she saved this bookmark. It's a classic three-part cartoon. Let's take a look.

In part one, some dude -- who must have been Jean Claude Van Damme, based on how he's sitting -- is just hanging out doing the splits under a tree. He is a eunuch, and he's wearing only black leggings and black arm bands around his rather paltry biceps. His right hand has apparently been gnawed off, recently, probably by a bobcat, while his left hand has three very plump fingers. His hair is modeled after Shemp's. The guy is pretty happy, but senses that something is amiss, as evidenced by his thought that "Something is going on up there." The sidebar between the first and second frame indicates that something may be rustling. Maybe that's the cause of his concern.

The second part is a little screwy. The eunuch has acquired a shirt (also black). His right hand doesn't seem to be bothering him, although he must have punched the tree with his left hand because his fingers have begun to swell. His left leg seems to be losing mass. The mescaline he has ingested makes him think "I wonder what is happening."

In the confusing conclusion, all the leaves on the tree have fallen onto the eunuch to reveal that the tree is not a tree at all, but actually the devil's pitchfork. And because Satan has a very dark sense of humor, the leaves have fallen in the shape of a very fat human penis. On top of a eunuch no less! Sensing that he has been the butt of a sadistic joke, all the poor guy can do is think "me and my BIG mind." Even the eunuch has no idea why the "big" is emphasized, but it's probably no matter, as I think it assumes that he suffocated on account of pretty severe outdoor allergies.
As if that little piece of Freudian shit wasn't enough to cause some retroactive concern, my mom also had an autobiographical manifesto entited "My Favorite Place," which Reed wrote when he was probably somewhere between 7 and 9. Technically this wasn't a birthday present, but after you read it, you'll understand why I'm considering reading it to be a present. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did (note: I have take the liberty to correct the several spelling errors that plagued the original):

"This is my favorite place. My favorite place is a long closet. There is lots of colors. There is no sound. There is no one with me. I feel happy and safe. I sit and talk to myself. I smell nothing."

Which sentence was it that made my parents think "this is normal"? Was is the one about being happy and safe? Your child's favorite place is a silent, vibrantly colored closet where he sits alone and talks to himself. He smells nothing. And the homosexual undertones are pretty obvious: closet, "lots of colors" (i.e., all the colors of the rainbow). No matter. My parents thought this Closet Manifesto was completely fine. The closet was devoid of odor and sound. This was his favorite place. And what should have been the biggest warning light is that all of our closets were short.

Fuckin' Zeppelin! Part 2

This should go over like a lead balloon.

Seriously, what the hell is the point of a Zeppelin reunion without Robert Plant? Jason Bonham filling in for his dad, fine. I get that. John Bonham is physically unable to play the drums. But without the voice of Led Zeppelin, it's not really Led Zeppelin. It's like Cypress Hill having a reunion without B-Real or that guy who shouts "Scooby Doo" in the background. And to make matters worse, the article is chockfull of terrible puns based on Zeppelin song titles, and without a single mention of what would be the most appropriate reference: "What Is and What Should Never Be." Mark my words, Josh Grossberg, your time is gonna come.

Today's Match-Up: Closer by Nine Inch Nails vs. Right Now by Van Halen

Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation Round 1 Update

November Rain beat up on My Hero by a 74%-26% clip. The next match-up is Closer by Nine Inch Nails vs. Right Now by Van Hagar.

(For details on the countdown to the Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation, click here.)

1. Enter Sandman by Metallica (1991) (80%)
32. Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers (1991)

16. Come Out and Play by The Offspring (1994)
17. Longview by Green Day (1994) (54%)

9. Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses (1987) (80%)
24. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys (1994)

8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1987) (65%)
25. Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots (1994)

5. November Rain by Guns N' Roses (1991) (74%)
28. My Hero by Foo Fighters (1997)

12. Closer by Nine Inch Nails (1994)
21. Right Now by Van Halen (1991)

13. Are You Gonna Go My Way? By Lenny Kravitz (1993)
20. Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes (1990)

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard (1987)
29. Epic by Faith No More (1989)

3. Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi (1986)
30. Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson (1996)

14. Loser by Beck (1994)
19. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette (1995)

11. Plush by Stone Temple Pilots (1992)
22. More Human Than Human by White Zombie (1995)

6. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (1987)
27. Violet by Hole (1994)

7. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991)
26. Today by Smashing Pumpkins (1993)

10. Mother by Danzig (1993)
23. Cult of Personality by Living Colour (1988)

15. Killing in the Name Of by Rage Against the Machine (1992)
18. Creep by Radiohead (1993)

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (1991)
31. Dammit by Blink 182 (1997)

Fuckin' Zeppelin!

This should go over like a lead balloon.

Just a note: the last post was #1,000 on GMYH, and coincidentally approximately 12 5/8 hours before I officially turn 31 (you see, there is one 1 in 1,000 and three 0s). Thanks to everyone who has read this catastrophe I call a blog over the past 3+ years. Here's to many thousands more, and I hope to keep your interest until either the person writing this sentence or the person reading this sentence dies. Scorpiooooooooo!

Today's Match-Up: November Rain by Guns N' Roses vs. My Hero by Foo Fighters

Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation Round 1 Update

Here I Go Again by Whitesnake holds off Interstate Love Song by a 65%-35% margin. The next match-up is November Rain by Guns N' Roses vs. My Hero by Foo Fighters.

(For details on the countdown to the Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation, click here.)

1. Enter Sandman by Metallica (1991) (80%)
32. Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers (1991)

16. Come Out and Play by The Offspring (1994)
17. Longview by Green Day (1994) (54%)

9. Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses (1987) (80%)
24. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys (1994)

8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1987) (65%)
25. Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots (1994)

5. November Rain by Guns N' Roses (1991)
28. My Hero by Foo Fighters (1997)

12. Closer by Nine Inch Nails (1994)
21. Right Now by Van Halen (1991)

13. Are You Gonna Go My Way? By Lenny Kravitz (1993)
20. Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes (1990)

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard (1987)
29. Epic by Faith No More (1989)

3. Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi (1986)
30. Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson (1996)

14. Loser by Beck (1994)
19. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette (1995)

11. Plush by Stone Temple Pilots (1992)
22. More Human Than Human by White Zombie (1995)

6. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (1987)
27. Violet by Hole (1994)

7. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991)
26. Today by Smashing Pumpkins (1993)

10. Mother by Danzig (1993)
23. Cult of Personality by Living Colour (1988)

15. Killing in the Name Of by Rage Against the Machine (1992)
18. Creep by Radiohead (1993)

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (1991)
31. Dammit by Blink 182 (1997)

Tuesday Top Ten: Favorite Horror Movies

In honor of All Hallow's Eve, I figured I would make this week's Tuesday Top Ten somewhat relevant. Below are my ten favorite horror movies, all of which prove ample to get you in the mood for the coming of the dead (or undead):

10. The Blair Witch Project (IMDB; Amazon).

I saw this when it was still unclear as to whether it was real or fake (I wasn't completely sure it was fake until a few weeks later when I saw that Heather chick in a Steak & Shake commercial). Apparently all of the reactions are real, as there was no real script and the actors were basically sent out into the woods and basically told "we're going to scare you." Anyway, when I saw it, it freaked me out. What the fuck is that dude doing in the corner?!

9. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (IMDB; Amazon) (the original, not that tripe they passed off as a remake a few years ago).

There's something about the way this movie is filmed that makes it especially scary. Plus you never really knew where Leatherface was coming from, both spatially and mentally. Probably because the film is loosely based on the life of Ed Gein. Bartender at Canal Bar? No, serial killer, Wisconsin, 1950s.

8. The Mutilator (IMDB; Amazon).

It was the summer of 1989. I staying at Jeremy "The Floppy Burrito" DeMuth's house for a couple weeks while my parents were traveling 'round the globe without their children. Jeremy and I made a habit of forging his mother's signature in order to rent R-rated movies. The Mutilator was no exception. It's a classic '80s slasher movie, complete with creative murders, a crazy-ass vindictive father, and, most importantly for 11-year-old boys, titties!

7. Carrie (IMDB; Amazon).

Next time you decide to pour pig's blood on a coal miner's daughter, make sure she can't close doors and light fires with her mind.

6. Rosemary's Baby (IMDB; Amazon).

Is it coincidence that Rosemary's baby was conceived exactly nine months before my birthday (granted, several years before I was born) or that they were going to name it Andrew? Probably. But nonetheless, this is a classic Roman Polanski creation.

5. A Nightmare on Elm Street (IMDB; Amazon).

For those of us who were kids in the '80s, I don't know if there was a more terrifying man than Freddy Krueger. As if his disfigured face, unbrushed teeth, and knives for fingers weren't enough to strike terror in adolescents, he could ENTER YOUR DREAMS. Not cool. Seriously, Wes Craven, fuck you. One, two, Freddy's comin' for you . . .

4. Halloween (IMDB; Amazon).

The quintessential Halloween movie (as evidenced by the title). If you have any kids who are giving you lip about not being lax on Halloween, shut them up with this. And has there ever been a better song (or piano riff, I guess) for a horror movie?

3. Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (IMDB; Amazon).

Another classic '80s cheesy slasher movie. This is one of the first movies that made me realize that horror movies can be just as (if not more) hilarious as they are scary. A must-see, as far as I'm concerned.

2. The Exorcist (IMDB; Amazon).

It deems itself "the scariest movie of all-time," and it may be right. What a great movie. I saw this for the first time when I was 17, and it scared the shit out of me. Figuratively. Plus, it's based on a true story. Chew on THAT next time your kid is levitating and disparaging the moral turpitude of priests' mothers who may reside in hell.

1. The Shining (IMDB; Amazon).

With the possible exception of Operation Dump Drop, I have never been more terrified of a movie than the first time I saw this. This was another one that Jeremy and I rented in the summer of '89. We had always noticed the cover of The Shining in the video store and been intrigued, so we finally rented it. I made it about a third of the way through before I left the room, went up stairs and listened to my then-new Skid Row tape while playing Wizard and Warriors on Nintendo and trying not to think about those fucking twin girls. I have since managed to get all the way through the film, and it is hands down my favorite horror movie.

If you don't feel like watching a full movie, I highly recommend Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments, which is on Thursday and Friday.

Today's Match-Up: Here I Go Again v. Interstate Love Song

Mama I'm Coming Home

Well, this past weekend was Homecoming weekend in Bloomington. The local football match pit the Hoosiers against Northwestern. IU has been playing fairly horribly this year (and has been riddled with injuries) and came into the game at 2-5, searching for their first win since September 6. Northwestern has been doing quite well this year, coming into the game at 6-1 and ranked in the coaches' poll. Needfull to say, IU won the game 21-19 and actually played pretty well on both sides of the ball at the same time for the first time in a while. So now with four games left, they have to go 3-1 to end up at 6-6 and bowl-eligible. They play schedule that conceivably could result in that very 3-1 record I just wrote about: Central Michigan (6-2) at home on 11/1, Wisconsin (4-4, 1-4) at home on 11/8, at Penn State (9-0, 5-0) on 11/15 (IU shocks the world), and at Purdue (2-6, 0-4) on 11/22 (I don't much care for that school). Given how bad the Big Ten is this year, a 6-6 record may not be a problem as far as getting, say, a Motor City Bowl berth. They've given me hope. I hate it when they do this.

Other highlights of the weekend include:

• Tailgating before and after the game with several Mandersons (apparently there's a third one they call Merv), the newly married Mr. and Mrs. Stoll, a Ferber, some Bapperts, some Lutzows, some Davidsons, some Eckerles, a Kashman, Can Can, Schnelly, and a whole host of others. Unfortunately there was no Kan Jam.
• I had dinner at Irish Lion. You may not know this, but lamb is delicious.
• After dinner, I met up with a the Davidsons, Eckerles, Can Can, Schnelly, and Jana at Kilroy's. It soon became apparent to me that in the time between the game and when I met up with them, someone had poisoned all of them with alcohol.
• At around 1 a.m., after discussing the many benefits of Cheap Trick, Can Can explained to me that he was unable to ingest any more alcohol. This picture was quickly snapped. Soon after, we made our way out the front doors at Kilroy's to go to their little fenced-in sidewalk to enjoy a fine blend of tobacco and cardboard products packaged and sold by the British legislative branch. After going out the front door, I turned to the right to stand against a nice looking wall. Can Can exited behind me. As soon as he got out of the front door, he held up his finger as if to say "give me a second." He then sprayed the sidewalk with several gallons of vomit. From what I could tell, he hadn't eaten anything in a while. Without batting an eye, he looked back at me and said "I'm done," then left and presumably stumbled back to Schnelly's place. I may have been laughing out loud during and after the upchucking. I shrugged it off and texted Manderson to see if he was still out.
• I met Manderson and his crew at Upstairs. Upon entering, I ordered a big AMF, as is the custom in those parts. I walked over to Manderson's crew, at which point he informed me that they were just about to head back to their hotel. Sweet. Nothing more pathetic than a thirty-year-old dude drinking a giant blue drink by himself while staring intently at a relatively small TV screen showing a baseball game involving two teams he could care less about and making whale noises indiscriminately at passersby.
• A bearded man smoking unfiltered cigarettes taxied me back to my dad's house.
• On Sunday, I ably assembled bookshelves of Scandinavian descent. This was not the first time.

Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation Round 1 Update

Predictably Welcome to the Jungle kicked Sabotage's ass. The next match-up is Here I Go Again by Whitesnake vs. Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots.

(For details on the countdown to the Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation, click here.)

1. Enter Sandman by Metallica (1991) (80%)
32. Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers (1991)

16. Come Out and Play by The Offspring (1994)
17. Longview by Green Day (1994) (54%)

9. Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses (1987) (80%)
24. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys (1994)

8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1987)
25. Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots (1994)

5. November Rain by Guns N' Roses (1991)
28. My Hero by Foo Fighters (1997)

12. Closer by Nine Inch Nails (1994)
21. Right Now by Van Halen (1991)

13. Are You Gonna Go My Way? By Lenny Kravitz (1993)
20. Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes (1990)

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard (1987)
29. Epic by Faith No More (1989)

3. Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi (1986)
30. Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson (1996)

14. Loser by Beck (1994)
19. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette (1995)

11. Plush by Stone Temple Pilots (1992)
22. More Human Than Human by White Zombie (1995)

6. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (1987)
27. Violet by Hole (1994)

7. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991)
26. Today by Smashing Pumpkins (1993)

10. Mother by Danzig (1993)
23. Cult of Personality by Living Colour (1988)

15. Killing in the Name Of by Rage Against the Machine (1992)
18. Creep by Radiohead (1993)

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (1991)
31. Dammit by Blink 182 (1997)

Today's Match-Up: Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses vs. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys

Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation Round 1 Update

Green Day's Longview edged out Come Out and Play by The Offspring in the second match-up by a 54% to 46% margin. The next match-up is Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses vs. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys.

(For details on the countdown to the Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation, click here.)

1. Enter Sandman by Metallica (1991) (80%)
32. Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers (1991)

16. Come Out and Play by The Offspring (1994)
17. Longview by Green Day (1994) (54%)

9. Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses (1987)
24. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys (1994)

8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1987)
25. Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots (1994)

5. November Rain by Guns N' Roses (1991)
28. My Hero by Foo Fighters (1997)

12. Closer by Nine Inch Nails (1994)
21. Right Now by Van Halen (1991)

13. Are You Gonna Go My Way? By Lenny Kravitz (1993)
20. Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes (1990)

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard (1987)
29. Epic by Faith No More (1989)

3. Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi (1986)
30. Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson (1996)

14. Loser by Beck (1994)
19. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette (1995)

11. Plush by Stone Temple Pilots (1992)
22. More Human Than Human by White Zombie (1995)

6. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (1987)
27. Violet by Hole (1994)

7. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991)
26. Today by Smashing Pumpkins (1993)

10. Mother by Danzig (1993)
23. Cult of Personality by Living Colour (1988)

15. Killing in the Name Of by Rage Against the Machine (1992)
18. Creep by Radiohead (1993)

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (1991)
31. Dammit by Blink 182 (1997)

Today's Match-Up: Come Out and Play by The Offspring vs. Longview by Green Day

Hair Band Friday - 10/24/08

Best Hard Rock Anthem Round 1 Update

Okay folks, the first match-up is in the books, and Enter Sandman handily defeated Give It Away. The next match-up is Come Out and Play by The Offsping vs. Longview by Green Day.

(For details on the countdown to the Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation, click here.)

1. Enter Sandman by Metallica (1991) (80%)
32. Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers (1991)

16. Come Out and Play by The Offspring (1994)
17. Longview by Green Day (1994)

9. Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses (1987)
24. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys (1994)

8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1987)
25. Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots (1994)

5. November Rain by Guns N' Roses (1991)
28. My Hero by Foo Fighters (1997)

12. Closer by Nine Inch Nails (1994)
21. Right Now by Van Halen (1991)

13. Are You Gonna Go My Way? By Lenny Kravitz (1993)
20. Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes (1990)

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard (1987)
29. Epic by Faith No More (1989)

3. Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi (1986)
30. Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson (1996)

14. Loser by Beck (1994)
19. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette (1995)

11. Plush by Stone Temple Pilots (1992)
22. More Human Than Human by White Zombie (1995)

6. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (1987)
27. Violet by Hole (1994)

7. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991)
26. Today by Smashing Pumpkins (1993)

10. Mother by Danzig (1993)
23. Cult of Personality by Living Colour (1988)

15. Killing in the Name Of by Rage Against the Machine (1992)
18. Creep by Radiohead (1993)

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (1991)
31. Dammit by Blink 182 (1997)

Hedge Fund Hero

http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2008/oct/18/banking-useconomy. Thanks to Christoff for the link.

Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation: Round 1

Okay folks, we're all ready to once-and-for-all decide which song is the greatest hard rock anthem of our generation. (For details and background, click here.) There have been some changes to the 32 songs in the bracket, and thanks go out to those who posted comments.

And what better time to start the voting than on the release date of the first single off of GNR's fourteen-years-in-the-making Chinese Democracy (aptly named "Chinese Democracy," which you can hear here), and the day that the release date of Chinese Democracy has been announced (11/23, exclusively at Best Buy, for those interested; click here to pre-order). Who knows, if it had been released on time, some of its songs might very well be on the list. But I digress.

Here is how the voting will work. I will go down the following list, giving each match-up 24 hours during which you will vote for which song you think is the better hard rock anthem for our generation (defined narrowly as those who graduated high school between 1994 and 1998). To vote, simply see the poll on the sidebar below the website counter. Due to limitations in the space-time continuum, I will not be able to post a new poll every day, but rest assured, each poll will only be given 24 hours of voting time. With each new poll, I will post up-to-date results.

I have seeded the songs from 1-32 based on a combination of my perceptions as to how people might vote and my own likes and dislikes. If you don't like how a song is seeded, too bad. I'm sure there will be disagreement as to which song deserved to be seeded 14 over another, but presumably the best anthem will win out no matter who it's up against and the wheat will be separated from the chaff.

So, without further ado, here are the matchups, with Enter Sandman vs. Give It Away in the first poll. Please remember that this may be the single most important voting event of the year. I'm counting on you to be diligent and fair. And . . . go!

1. Enter Sandman by Metallica (1991)
32. Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers (1991)

16. Come Out and Play by The Offspring (1994)
17. Longview by Green Day (1994)

9. Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses (1987)
24. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys (1994)

8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1987)
25. Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots (1994)

5. November Rain by Guns N' Roses (1991)
28. My Hero by Foo Fighters (1997)

12. Closer by Nine Inch Nails (1994)
21. Right Now by Van Halen (1991)

13. Are You Gonna Go My Way? By Lenny Kravitz (1993)
20. Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes (1990)

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard (1987)
29. Epic by Faith No More (1989)

3. Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi (1986)
30. Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson (1996)

14. Loser by Beck (1994)
19. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette (1995)

11. Plush by Stone Temple Pilots (1992)
22. More Human Than Human by White Zombie (1995)

6. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (1987)
27. Violet by Hole (1994)

7. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991)
26. Today by Smashing Pumpkins (1993)

10. Mother by Danzig (1993)
23. Cult of Personality by Living Colour (1988)

15. Killing in the Name Of by Rage Against the Machine (1992)
18. Creep by Radiohead (1993)

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (1991)
31. Dammit by Blink 182 (1997)

Road House is on AMC right now

That Brad Wesley treats objects like women.

Washington Fat Cats: Sunday

Sunday morning we woke up at 5:30 and wandered the city in rags, wailing at homeless people just to let them know how it feels.

After a nice long shower, a fine cigar, and a nice money burning, we stopped in at the Pavilion Café, where Jessie dined on a croissant garnished with the blood of a large Caribbean woman.

We were rather unhappy to learn that the Smithsonian Museum of American History was closed for renovation until November. Therefore, I didn't get to see the Seinfeld puffy shirt, Evel Knievels' motorcycle, or Kermit the Frog's corpse.

Instead, we headed next door to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, where they have various dinosaur bones (or, more appropriately, what dinosaur bones would have looked like if dinosaurs actually existed) and a bunch of sedated animals placed in various supposedly natural poses:

A tiger falling from a pull-up bar (no opposable thumbs).

A pangolin just … hanging … out. Ah-thank you!

A fennec fox coked out of its mind and freaking out.
An orangutan conquering shit. I could respect that.

A prairie dog singing "All I Want for Christmas Is You," which is weird because they're usually overtly atheist.
A koala transmitting gonorrhea to a glass case. It's their curse, you know.

A triceratops rocking out with a contemporaneous human.
I pretended to get eaten by a T-Rex, while Jessie pretended to be happy elephant poop.


Next, we went to the National Gallery, first starting in the West Building, which has the older collection. Again, the Italian Prime Minister was there.

After looking at some old art that looked like real stuff, we went to the East Building to look at crazy-ass modern shit. The East Building was designed by the same dude who designed the IU Art Museum and apparently some other shit too. Jessie posed for a glamour shot in front of the East Building and then for several introspective shots on the inside that really came to life through my creative vision, inspired by Jessie repeatedly shouting, "Look at that big fucking mobile!"




After we got the art out of Jessie's system, it was my turn to choose a museum, so I went with the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. It was pretty cool because it has rockets and space ships and planes and astronaut ice cream, which I bought because I'm five.

Perhaps coolest of all, though, are the simulators. You can choose to either go on a simulator ride, which has four options (WWII plane, F-18, and a couple space-related options). Or, for a dollar more, you and a wife can go on an interactive F-4 Phantom II fighter pilot mission, pretending for six minutes that you are a fighter pilot and gunner, respectively, and controlling all the action. You are required to remove everything from your pockets because, as explained by posters and workers, the simulator does 360-degree barrel rolls. Somehow this did not signal to Jessie that the simulator does 360-degree barrel rolls, as she was more than surprised when we flipped upside down the first time. I cackled like a hyena for most of the flight. My piloting skills were surprisingly fresh, given that I have not flown a simulated plane since Top Gun, the Nintendo game. Even more of a surprise was Jester's gunning. Despite her constant threats of vomiting, she managed six kills. I'm not sure I've ever been more proud of her. She felt sick for several hours.

After that, we headed to the Metro and up to Foggy Bottom. Damn that's fun to say.

Our walking in the morning and early afternoon was fairly weak: only about 1.5 miles.

Upon our arrival at the Foggy Bottom/GWU Metro stop, we headed up Pennsylvania Avenue to M Street, which is the main drag that goes through Georgetown. There are a wide array of stores and restaurants on M Street and Wisconsin Ave., if you're into buying food and goods.

We were both in the mood for pizza (Midwest withdrawal I suppose), and we found a place to cure our shakes. It's called Pizzeria Paradiso, which is also a Birreria, which is not to be confused with "Beerarrhea," an condition that has been known to afflict Dan Weeser*, where excessive amounts of alcohol completely prevent him from controlling how many words spew forth from his mouth. Anyway, Paradiso was excellent. Great pizza. Great beer selection. It gave us the stomach and the fortitude for our next stop.

The entire reason I wanted to go to DC was to make a pilgrimage to the Exorcist steps. Some dude was doing pull-ups like a man possessed at the bottom of the stairs. We traversed up the steps to look at the house.
Jessie started acting weird, screaming over and over again "High Five! High Ten! Stop! Stop! " and then screaming incoherently and rather gutturally.


A man on a bike stopped after we took some pictures of the house. He was not a Catholic priest, but had been around for the filming of the movie (and apparently was an extra). He explained that a false wing was added to the house, so that the window from whence Father Karras was thrown would back up against the now-infamous steps. As you can see from this photo, behind that BMW is where the false wing had been added.

Sensing that this man may have simply read the IMDB trivia page about the film, Jessie became indignant and told the man that "[his] mother sucks cocks in hell." Then she spit up the split pea soup she had for lunch all over the man, and then, for some reason, she threw me down the steps and took a picture, turned the man into a pumpkin and threw him down the stairs.

Interestingly, the Exorcist house is across the street from The Tombs, which served as the bar in Brat Pack stalwart St. Elmo's Fire.
Being a huge John Parr fan (although, admittedly, having never seen the film), I could barely contain myself. In fact, I was on such a high that I convinced Jessie that we needed to be "men in motion" and that we were to walk from Georgetown to the Vietnam Memorial.

On our way over there, we passed the home of a Tory, soon after alerting the local cobbler, who serves as a militiaman.
We also passed the Watergate Hotel, which I conquered, but did not break and/or enter.
We stopped at the Lincoln Memorial for a quick piss and picture of the Washington Monument again. To the right of the Monument, you will see one of Earth's moons.
Eventually, we got to the Vietnam Memorial, which I suggest visiting if you're in town. As I'm sure you know, it is two walls that come to a point, each covered with the etched names of American soldiers who died Vietnam, with bronze statues of a couple soldiers looking at the wall from about 50 yards away. People leave letters, flowers, and memorials. It's pretty depressing.


After that, we walked through some of the parks in the Mall. There were ponds, a non-depressed duck, and a squirrel who was, in fact, the devil incarnate.



On the way to the Metro, we passed in front of the White House and Old Executive Building from afar.

We managed to walk another five miles in the afternoon.
We had no plans Sunday night, and we were more tired than the Mac vs. PC ad campaign, so we just stayed in and watched some True Blood.

Rather than waste your time talking with a separate post about Monday, rest assured, we flew home. Special thanks to Thor Svensen, our travel agent, for setting up the whole trip.