Sweet Names, Part 9: The Best of the Rest

Here is the final installment in the "Sweet Names" series. For more information, click here. These are the rest of the names. Get ready for some bad puns. I didn't make comments on everything because there are hundreds. But first . . .

Potentially the worst name for a woman, ever:
-Shukuntla

Here's the rest.
-Adaann. I wonder if he likes to eat naan.
-Agueelah. Isn't that a type of lizard?
-Ah. Last name was not Ha.
-Aina. I aina bouta do nothin'.
-Alethe. Her mom must have had a lisp.
-Alexstair. I really like Alex P. Keaton, but I'm also a huge fan of Alistair Crowley.
-Alfredett. Yes, but what did Alfred ett?
-Amora. Yep, that's her.
-Andreaco. Ah yes, Andreaco. They make great aluminum siding.
-Anise. You named your kid anus. Nice work.
-Annalis. No child should have a name that starts with "annal."
-Anselmo. I love word combinations just as much as the next guy, but Ansel and Elmo?
-Arby. Makes a hell of a roast beef sandwich.
-Ariande. Names that rhyme with "aryan" should be avoided.
-Arlillian. No, no, it's IS Lillian.
-Arkles. Weren't they enemies of the Snorks?
-Arveal. Whose veal?
-Ashyia. In the words of Judson, "no one's getting ashy."
-Atta. Last name: Boy.
-Auburn. War Eagle!
-Bambi. I hope her mother died.
-Banikasha. Banish this name.
-Bar. Sometimes you eat him, and sometimes, well, he eats you.
-Bateman. This would only work if his last name is Patrick.
-Baytina. Archnemesis of Peninsulatina.
-Beata. Beat a what?
-Beatriz. I'm sorry, but it's impossible to make Beatrice a cool name, no matter how many Zs you add to it.
-Bedabrata. Isn't that a Ramones song?
-Berkenya. Nice word combo, since obviously the child was conceived in Berkeley and born in Kenya.
-Birdia. No one has every come back from the Island of Birdia without talon marks.
-Birgit. I know this is a somewhat common name, but it just looks like someone's parents were dyslexic.
-Bobberate. Bob bob bob bob bobberate.
-Bogdan. This makes sense only if this guy is a cranberry farmer named Dan.
-Bolanle. I too love the late lead singer of T. Rex, Marc Bolan, as well as Pepe LePue.
-Boss. Last name: Hogg.
-Braquel. A Raquel made of bras?
-Breesheree. Weeeeee!
-Bril. Last Name: O'Pads.
-Broaderick. How broad is Erick?
-Brunette. Yes, but does the carpet match the drapes?
-Canary. Dude, this chick has her own islands. The beauty about her is that you put a sheet over her head and she goes right to sleep.
-Candelaria. Look, I love journeyman pitchers from the '70s and '80s as much as the next guy, but I'm not naming my kid after them. What's next, Tanana, Niekro, Reuss, and Honeycutt?
-Carmeshei
-Caswail
-Cawonda. You should avoid naming your kids something that encourages other kids to call her (?) a cow or start cawing everytime they hear her (?) name.
-Cenora. Shake shake shake, Cenora. Shake your body down.
-Ceponce. Ceponce run. Ceponce walk. Ceponce fail at life.
-Chamerond.
-Chancwan. Baby I'm still free. Take a chancwan me.
-Chantanet. My only question, other than "what the fuck?", is whether this is pronounced phonetically ("chant-ah-net") or Frenchly ("Shaunt-ah-nay").
-Chantini. I assume this is like an appletini.
-Charnel. Why would anyone want to do that to Nel?
-Cherish. Look, I'm as big a Kool & The Gang song as the next guy, but come on. I would have gone with Celebration.
-Cherly. Cherly that's a misspelling.
-Chimere. I have a few sweaters made of chimere.
-Chinwe. I've heard of the Foot Fist Way, but not the Chinwe.
-Chitra. Any name that can be pronounced "shit" should be avoided.
-Chitisha. Ditto.
-Chrishawnda
-Chrishun. I chrishun thee Chrishun.
-Churchill. Last name: Downs.
-Clarijja. I bet people try to put her d-down, just because she g-gets around.
-Clarissa. I bet she spends most of the day explaining things -- everything.
-Cledy
-Clenelle
-Cliffort.
-Coladys. I was about to get some Thai food, but then my coladys started acting up.
-Conswala
-Contessa. Bitch needs to put some shoes on.
-Cornell. Probably went to Andrew Bernard for college.
-Countess. Actually, I am all for naming children after aristocratic titles.
-Cranston. I was a fan of the Keating Five as well, but I would have gone with Riegle. That way I could have called him the Riegle Beagle.
-Creacy. That bitch is Creacy!
-Criselida. A what?
-Crishonda. Hmm, I'd like to name my child after Hall of Fame wide receiver Cris Carter, but I also like Hondas. What to do, what to do.
-Curlie. There was also a Moe and Larry on the list, but sadly, no Shemp.
-Dagoberto. I don't care if Berto is Italian or not, that's just not cool.
-Damonica. Names that rhyme with "demonic" should be avoided.
-Danen. I love his or her yogurt. Oh wait . . .
-Dannon.
-Darance
-Darrio. As in hi-ho the?
-Deanauris
-Decount. "I am Decount." "De count of what?"
-Delcardo. I am the great Delcardo!
-Delmy
-Demetric. I wonder which system of measurement he uses.
-Demon. Since he is both human and Demon and is probably just like you, he is most likely the only person in the world who can truthfully answer yes to all three questions posed in Danzig's "Am I Demon?"
-Degobe. Yoda!
-Derwin. Nope, I think derlose.
-Devang
-Devooah. Whooo-ah!
-Dino. I bet he'll be your Romeo.
-Doel.
-Dorcas. Are you serious? You named me Dorcas? Why not just Dorc?
-Dornise.
-Dorsell. Interestingly, his (?) last name was not Phin.
-Dror. I bet his siblings' names are Kabnet, Dresir, and Shel-Ving.
-Durwon. Dur won what? I wonder if his younger brother's name is Durtoo.
-Durriyya. I may have mentioned this before, but children with names that sound anything like "diarrhea" generally get made fun of.
-Earscell
-Edonna. Looks like Donna found the internet!
-Edujuan
-Edwennette
-Elaine. I hope some mop-haired stalker told her that she was his density.
-Ellery. I guess this could just be how someone with a cockney accent pronounces Hillary.
-Elwyn. E-L-W-Y-N, that's Elwyn. Sing it again.
-Enix
-Fader. I assume his brother's name is Balance.
-Fajolu
-Fakher. Hell yeah, dude, fakher! Fakher brains out!
-Fallon. Last name: Down.
-Ferona. My my my my my, whoo!
-Finnard
-Flecy. "How does that jacket feel?" "It's nice and flecy."
-Flossie. "How was your dental hygienist?" "A bit flossie."
-Forrestine. I can't see her (?) for the treesine.
-Forshunda. For sure.
-Franchon.
-Fretas. I hope she's a daddy's girl, or should I say a papa's Fretas? Ah-thank you!
-Funmilayo. I guess it's better than Boringmilayo.
-Gaetano. Yes, but how gae is tano?
-Garford. We like animated cats, but we also like animated dogs, particularly big red ones. I've got it!
-Genal. This just sounds dirty.
-Genesis. He seems to have an invisible touch.
-Gerardo. He's probably rich and smooth.
-Geysy. You'll have to excuse him. He ate some chili, so he's just a little geysy tonight.
-Gifty. Dude, I hate hanging out with him because he's always showing us up by giving people things.
-Gila. Fucking monster. On another note, when my brother was in the womb, my mom asked me what I wanted to name my future sibling. Gila was my choice for a boy. It should be noted that I was four when I thought that name was a good idea. My choice for a girl was Pootsie. By the way things are going, I will be surprised if I don't come across a Pootsie before I'm done.
-Gingie.
-Gladson. Twin brother of Sadson.
-Gloriastine. Last name: M.
-Godiver. There's so much you can do with this: (1) He makes great chocolate; (2) I love that Dio song "Holy Godiver"; or (3) Godiver go go. Diver be good.
-Goog. Why?
-Guvonda
-Ha. Last name was not Ha, although it should be.
-Hanif
-Herby. I bet I can count on one hand the number of times he's been introduced to someone who didn't think "the love bug."
-Hela. You got me feelin' hela good, so let's just keep on dancin'.
-Heron. Why not just go with Egret?
-Hertis. We love renting cars from Hertz and looking at praying mantises, but we just can't figure out how to let the world know through the name of our child.
-Hilton.
-Holdon. I'm comin'. But seriously, is there a painful Who's On First-type conversation every time he answers the phone? "Hello, this is Holdon." "Okay." "Hello?" "Hello. Who am I speaking with?" "Holdon." "Okay." "Hello?" "Hello. Why do you keep telling me to hold on?" "My name is Holdon." "Okay." "Hello?"
-Holly. This wouldn't be so bad, except that her (?) last name was Pop.
-Iala
-Iduvina. Do you du vina?
-Iesha. The girl that I never had. But I'd like to get to know her some day.
-Ikeia. I love going to Ikeia!
-Innie. Brother of Outtie.
-Iola
-Ioanna. Bullshit, you don't owe Anna anything.
-Iona. Middle name: Gaels.
-Ismael. I would have no idea what to call him.
-Ismary. Is Mary what?
-Ispiridon. Get your new Dell Ispiridon notebook for only $799.99 after rebate.
-Ivoire.
-Izzetta. Izzetta name?
-Jaize. Dude, I totally jaized all over my pants.
-Jamuel. A lot like Samuel, but he can dunk a basketball.
-January. Oh, awesome, you named me after the worst month of the year. At least now everyone will ask me "was that the month you were born in?"
-Jasney
-Jaweed. "What's that room for?" "Ja put ja weed in there, mon."
-Jearl. Jmy jname jis.
-Jenelda
-Jod
-Joffree. No indication as to whether he (?) is into ballet.
-Johnese. Well, we were hoping you were going to be a boy, so we could name you John. When you came out a girl, we decided that we'd ruin your life.
-Johnise. You too.
-Joie. Is that pronounced "joy," "joey," or "either way, thanks mom for making me have to spell my name every time I say it."
-Jonayln
-Juangi
-Juntanya
-Justus. I would have preferred the more formal Justthetwoofus.
-Juwonder. Ju wonder what?
-Kahuner. Big.
-Kalli. I know I just broke up with her, but I'm going going back back to Kalli Kalli.
-Kalman
-Kavere
-Kawnia
-Keatrion.
-Keih. Not Keith, but Keih.
-Kem. Just because that's how a Valley girl would pronounce Kim doesn't make it alright.
-Kema. My only hope is that she (?) is a therapist with her own practice, Kema Therapy.
-Kenoricks. Whose place should we go to first, kenoricks?
-Ketty
-Kipper
-Kitsy
-Krislie. This steak is a little too krislie for my liking.
-Krizhun
-Krzysztof. I included this only because I want Christoff to name his first born son Krzysztof.
-Kyliel
-La. According to '60s soul quartet The Delfonics, nine of her name means "I love you."
-Lamern
-Laquiche.
-Laquinta. I think Comfort Inn would have been better, but that's just me.
-Larcenia. Names with a root word that means theft should be avoided.
-Latina. This would make sense, at least as an ethnic identifier, except for the fact that her last name is more Anglo than Prince Charles.
-Lavender.
-Lavonzell
-Lazar. I assume he has sharks with his frickin' beams on their heads.
-Leatrice.
-Leecox. Leecox huge!
-Letha. I suppose this could be a Catalonian version of Lisa.
-Lelar
-Levester. Much like Chester and Lester, this name should be avoided for the obvious reason that it rhymes with Hester, and no one wants to be associated with women who have been forced to wear giant scarlet As on their chests.
-Lolita. You would think that this name would have died out, on account of the fact that most people don't want their daughter's name to be immediately associated with getting banged by an older man. I guess the key word in there is "most."
-Loestein. Not to be confused with . . .
-Loistine
-Lorueen
-Lougene. Come on down to Lougene's House of Blue Jeans this week to save up to 50% off on all button-flies.
-Louwanzer. Well, if Lou wanzer, then he should ask 'er out.
-Loyce.
-Lucedwin.
-Lueree. Dude, his stuff with Velvet Underground was awesome.
-Luevader
-Lyndora. Isn't that the name of Samantha's mom on Bewitched?
-Macker
-Makeitha
-Mance.
-Mangrum
-Manue. Man, ue see that?
-Mariola. Not to be confused with Areola.
-Marktwain. If you think that's bad, his brother's first name is Samuellanghorneclemens.
-Marneshia
-Marrlaija
-Maryjane. I just wonder if she's kind.
-Maynor
-Meico. You can save 15% by switching your car insurance to Meico.
-Mentha. Isn't that how someone with a lisp would pronounce a well-known organization for smart people? Obviously her mom was not a member of mentha.
-Menya
-Merchant. Oddly, his last name wasn't Marines or Ofvenice.
-Miatta. I guess it could be worse. She could be named Del Sol.
-Micahel. I hope that was just a typo. If not, it's one hel of a name. Ah-thank you!
-Michellel. So close
-Michellen. Man.
-Millizza.
-Minnette. Before a guy goes on a date with her, I bet he says, "I'll be coming in a minnette."
-Missael. I bet he or she has a great defense system.
-Mor. Brother of Les, unless of course Les is Mor.
-Mylinda. Whose Linda?
-Naman. "Do you want to go to the store?" "Na, man."
-Nanette. No. No.
-Narkisha. Fucking narc.
-Natividad. Last name: Feliviz.
-Necko. Like the wafers?
-Necola. Neeeeee-co-laaaaaaaa.
-Nemesio. This sounds like a dastardly villain. "It is I, Nemesio!"
-Neo. Whoa.
-Newan. I guess it's better than Oldan.
-Nicholua. We like tsars, but we also like chocolate-flavored liqueur.
-Nigary. Talk about your all-time worst prefix for the name Gary.
-Nkrumah. Last name: Nia.
-Noahman. Please listen. You don't know what you're missin'. Noahman, the wooorld is at your command.
-Noe. "Can you tell me you your name?" "Noe." "Bitch."
-Noelia. Her parents must not have been fans of profanity-laden post-game tirades.
-Noemi. Yes, you.
-Nohemi. This woman must really hate Dodge Ram pickups.
-Norcia. Try getting a reservation at Norcia now, you fucking stupid bastard!
-Novadane. What do you call someone from Copenhagen with a numb lip?
-Nyree
-Ockeisha
-Odeal. Or no odeal?
-Odislee
-Odoric. So your name starts with "odor" and ends with something that can easily be made into "reek." Thanks, mom and dad.
-Onjunea
-Oriando. Yes, but what does Orian do?
-Orsburn
-Ouida
-Paladin. Apparently mom and dad were big fans of Furman University.
-Pangi
-Parish. Last name: Thethought.
-Parshunda
-Passion.
-Patcharee
-Payola. Obviously not a friend of Alan Freed.
-Pleskette
-Poon. I love Poon.
-Prendell
-Quache. I assume this is some sort of mythical creature of Native American lore.
-Queen. A little presumptuous, aren't we, your majesty?
-Queenester. Ah yes, I believe she reigned right after Queenvictoria.
-Quintechette
-Qunna. Why bother with vowels when you can have the beautiful "kuh" sound?
-Rabindra. Why?
-Rashaune
-Rekea. I hope she doesn't . . . reek. Ah-thank you!
-Renada. I try to list all good names I know, and then all of sudden I renada good names.
-Rerbert
-Rolette. I assume she's Russian.
-Romell. The Desert Fox?
-Roselly. She knows music. I know music. Do you see? She got the power. I got the power, Roselly.
-Saaid. Were this not connected to an extremely Anglo last name, I would've assumed it was a Middle Eastern name and left it alone. "What did you say?" "I saaid . . ."
-Sanfus
-Satira. Her last name was not Cal, Cle, or anything else that could make her first name at least sound like something other than a geisha.
-Savon. Isn't that the name of a drug store chain?
-Scolt. Well, we liked Scott, but we also like Colt.
-Servando
-Shabon. Isn't that what Michael Jackson shouts in "Bad"?
-Shadi. Dude, that chick is Shadi.
-Shahnawaz. Shahna waz unlucky.
-Shairka
-Shakirah. I pray that her hips tell the truth.
-Shalimar. He (?) will be dancing in the sheets.
-Shanel. I assume her siblings are Guchi and Prodda.
-Shaphonya. Yes, but when will sha phon ya?
-Sharare
-Sharhonda. I guess it's better than Shardatsun.
-Sharmon. Names that sound exactly like brands of toilet paper should be avoided.
-Shasta. I didn't know naming kids after third-rate soft drink companies was acceptable. Otherwise I would have expected to see more Likes, Diet Rites, and Bubble Ups on the list.
-Shaterra. Wherea you shit? I shaterra.
-Shemetric
-Sherlonda. I hope she isn't known for her tall tales. "Yeah, sher, londa."
-Shermena
-Shiedah.
-Shirlon
-Shivette. I guess this is what happens when your parents like the sound of one of the ugliest cars ever made, but don't want you to be thought of as weak, to they spell it in a manner that suggests they fashion their own sharpened weapons out of otherwise normal, household materials.
-Shormore. The successor to Phar-Mor.
-Shunta.
-Sirfield. The brother of Sirstream.
-Sirjive. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the hottest MC in the world, Sirjive!
-Sirlena
-Sixta. I really like Blossom's best friend, but I also really like Fanta.
-Soda. Apparently someone did agree with George on Soda. No word on whether his or her brother's name is Seven.
-Sonjatrei
-Sorinel. I used to get motion sickness whenever I rode in a boat, that is until I started taking Sorinel.
-Souphaphone. No, no, it's spelled "sousaphone."
-Sovaya
-Spiridon. The lesser-known cousin of the mastodon.
-Stancel. Yes, but what does Stan cel?
-Stormi
-Suewand
-Sunny. I hope he (?) lives in Philadelphia. Always.
-Symphony.
-Tangela. Isn't that a tangerine-flavored liqueur?
-Tamarier
-Tangy
-Tanyua
-Taquieta.
-Tashaland. Like Dollywood, but not an amusement park.
-Tearwande
-Tehrifah. I'd be tehrifah'd of having this as my name.
-Telly. I bet he thinks you can't get STDs when you have sex with virgins (which is true by the way).
-Temptress. This woman better be hot, or else that's a cruel joke.
-Tetteh. You see the size of that tetteh?
-Thanawud. What wud Thana do?
-Thearthur. In case you were confused by some of the Arthur imposters.
-Thelmer Or the Lmer imposters.
-Theottis. Or the Ottis imposters.
-Thersa. Uh, thersa problem with your name.
-Thymmberli. Parsley, sage, rosemary, and who?
-Timothea. Shit, we thought you were going to be a boy.
-Tiwoni
-Tivonie
-Torino. I bet he's gran.
-Tornise.
-Toywaa
-Trear. I believe this is Spanish for "to bestow a bad name on one's child."
-Trease
-Triesse
-Trivillie
-Truett
-Trulunda. At least it's better than Falslunda.
-Tuena. Last name: Rockandahardplace.
-Tuesday. I bet he or she was pretty excited when Dominos had their Two Times Tuesday deal a couple years ago. "Lemme Get a Hoo-Ha Two Times Tuesday?!" Hoo-ha.
-Tyieashia. I'm sure they could've fit an o and a u in there somewhere.
-Tylinda. Ty Linda to what?
-Undray. He is essentially what Dray is not.
-Uneda. Uneda better name.
-Untrell
-Urena. This is awful for two reasons. One, it obviously rhymes with urine. Two, how many times a day do you think someone asks her, "Urena bit of a pickle aren't you? Huh? Huh? Get it? Ur-en-a? See what I did there?"
-Vasti.
-Veris
-Wahkuna. Matata.
-Wauna. Wauna hear a terrible name?
-Widley. Last name: Thcott.
-Windom. I do enjoy his hotels.
-Wontay
-Valdonir. If this dude is not a vampire, I don't know what to believe anymore.
-Vantinties. Don't you mean tin van ties? If so, what the fuck are you talking about?
-Vernelet
-Virvey
-Volney
-Vonzella
-Voltaire. "It says breakfast anytime. I will have the pancakes in the Age of Enlightenment."
-Voyd. Were his parents trying to be ironic?
-Xhevit. I loved him on Pimp My Ride.
-Yacarias
-Ymaria. Y not Maria?
-Yngwie. I didn't realize that there was another Yngwie in the world besides guitar virtuoso Yngwie Malmsteen.
-Yola. Last name: Tengo.
-Young. Last name: Atthart
-Yunnae. This is what it sounds like when a Valley girl with a southern accent says "you know."
-Yuvonne. Yes, I am vonne.
-Zapatha.
-Zucchini. Seriously, fuck you, mom and dad. And you know what? My brother Squash thinks the same thing.
-Zully