Ten Things Husbands Should Never Do

(Fear not, this is not this week's Tuesday Top Ten.)

So I'm minding my own business doing some internet surfing at lunch when I came across an article linked from Yahoo's homepage entitled "10 Things Husbands Should Never Do." Since I am always looking for ways to get under Jester's skin, I took a look.

I found the list to be a little patronizing, both to men and women. It implies that men are insensitive morons who are incapable of consciously doing something for their wives that is inoffensive. It also implies that women all stay at home and are emotionally unstable and incapable of dealing with criticism or innocent terminology. This article might have been more appropriate if it had been written 50 years ago.

I realize every relationship is different, but it seems like we're past the point in society where a husband and wife have to walk on eggshells around one another out of fear of accidentally hurting the other's feelings.

Anyway, here are the ten bits of advice, with my response to each.

1. Offer to "babysit" your own kids. When your 16-year-old neighbor does it, it's called babysitting. When a parent does it, it's called child care, and it lasts for at least 18 years. Get it?

"Honey, I can child care the kids Saturday night while you hang out with your girlfriends." Yeah, that makes sense. In all seriousness, if you are going to get pissed off at your husband for using the term "babysit," then you're probably one of those people who searches for ways to get pissed off at other people for no real reason. Would you rather he "babysit" the kids or not?

2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. At the end of a hard day, there may be smoke coming out of your ears, but let's face it: You've basically been sitting on your butt. That same smoke is coming out of our ears too—but we've cleaned the house, shuttled the kids around, run errands all over town and lugged grocery bags besides. When we say we're exhausted, we are exhausted.

I can see some merit to this one, especially if a husband implies that something that is objectively not that hard or stressful is more stressful than housework and caring for children. But if I've had a really stressful and long day at work, I'm sure as shit going to complain about it to my wife. It's not a competition about who can claim that they had the harder day; it's about being able to vent to the person in the world to whom you should be most able to vent.

3. Give a home appliance as a gift. Forgive us if we can't work it up for this one. A new washing machine? Really? Can we get you some new snow tires?

I can also see some merit to this one, as giving the gift of a vacuum cleaner to your wife certainly may imply that you think of her as nothing more than a housecleaner (and a shoddy one at that!). Plus, appliances are generally items that benefit both the husband and wife, so it's kind of a cheap gift (no matter how expensive it might be). And yes, you can get me some new snow tires.

4. Buy us the "cougar" perfume. Under our crew-neck sweaters may beat the heart of an untamed vixen—but most of us don't want to smell like one. (Nice try, though.)

What the fuck is "cougar" perfume? Does she mean Sex Panther? If so, that's cologne, and everyone knows that sixty percent of the time it works every time. Regardless, I don't know a guy in the world who has bought his wife an unsolicited bottle of a new type of perfume. Guys either know what perfume their wives wear (or have asked for) and buy that, or they don't buy perfume at all. And everyone knows that guys don't want their wives to smell like cougars; they want them to smell like strippers.

5. Brag about your driving. This is supposed to let us know that ours isn't so great. If my husband tells me one more time that he's been "accident-free since 1978," I'm going to reach over, grab the wheel and make the car swerve into something, just to shut him up.

I disagree with this one. First, aren't women statistically less likely to get into car accidents than men? Second, unless a husband is specifically saying "I am a better driver than you" or there is some other context in which it is clear that he is comparing his driving ability to yours, I don't think his bragging is meant to comment on how terrible of a driver you are. And grabbing the wheel to make the car swerve into something would only exacerbate this perceived problem, since the wife caused the crash and, thus, the husband will still be able to brag that he has been accident-free since 1978. Either that or it will kill him, which will, in fact, shut him up, which appears to be more important to the article's author than her husband's safety.

6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. I don't know whose fault this is (Food Network? Julie and Julia?), but every so often we get the idea that it would be fun to make stock and spend the day basting. If the result is less than earth-shattering, say something nice anyway.

This is common sense: don't go out of your way to tell someone the meal they just made sucks. That said, if I don't like something, I'm not going to sit there and pretend I do, since I probably don't want to eat it again. If you're married, you should be able to be honest with each other. Frankly, I don't know why a woman (or a man, for that matter) would want to be lied to when such a lie would potentially encourage another full day of making stock and basting.

7. Buy clothes without trying them on. We know that the second you get into a department store you start to feel faint, but do us a favor and take the extra five minutes. Otherwise, you know who gets stuck with the returns?

Hey, guess what? I know what pants size I wear. Hence, I don't need to try them on. And if this is such a problem that you are consistently "stuck with the returns," then maybe show a little backbone and don't return the dude's clothes.

8. Know it all, especially in public. Oh, honey. While you're going on at length about whatever it is, we're taking the temperature of the room, and we know everyone's starting to fidget.

I'm not sure how this is specific to marriage. No one likes a know-it-all. And why would any woman carry around a thermometer?

9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. Sometimes getting a new cut goes well; sometimes it doesn't. Usually we know the difference. Don't rub it in.

This seems to imply that women are shallow beings in search of hollow affirmations, even when they know the opposite to be true. If my wife asks my opinion of her haircut, I give it to her. Thankfully, she's never had a bad haircut, so I've never had to tell her that it looks terrible. But if she came back from the salon looking like Pat Benatar, you better believe I'd give it to her straight. Heartache to heartache, we stand.

10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Umm…it's your house too, right? For now, we'll give you the bronze. Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you can pick up a gold.

I don't think I've ever asked for precious metals in exchange for loading and emptying the dishwasher or doing the laundry, and I don't know many husbands who have either. Also, that's an improper use of the ellipses. A comma would have been more appropriate. I would like a gold for that.


In no particular order, here are ten actual things that a husband should never do:
1. Cheat
2. Make a major purchase without consulting his wife (unless, of course, it's a present for his wife or his mistress)
3. Physically or mentally abuse, kidnap, or kill his wife or children
4. Leave the toilet seat up
5. Turn state's evidence
6. Discuss what happens in the bedroom with other people (sex therapists, psychiatrists, and the husband's buddies excluded, obviously)
7. Walk out
8. Go anal without first asking
9. Hack into his wife's email
10. Steal money from his wife or her twin sister