Tuesday Top Ten: More Questions I Struggle With on a Daily Basis

Six months ago, I had two Tuesday Top Tens about questions I struggle with on a daily basis. My mind is contantly thinking about random nonsense. As you can see, I have real issues with the concepts of space, infinity, and deities.

10. When will I be too old to go to rock concerts or play flag football?
I hope the answer is never. You never really see old people at concerts. Then again, rock and roll isn't all that old, so now that our parents' generation is getting up there, maybe it will be more and more normal to see geezers throwing up the devil horns at an AC/DC show. Also, I love sprinting.

9. If someone tried to mug me, what would I do?
The way I figure it, I have four options: (1) give him (I'm assuming it's a dude) my wallet and see him on his way; (2) run away (as I am deceptively fleet of foot); (3) fight him, kick him in the dick, smack him in the forehead and tell him he "should have had a V8," and/or chase after him; or (4) try to outsmart him by pretending I don't understand him, using a hilarious foreign accent, looking him in the eyes and letting out a primal banshee-like scream and then dancing psychotically, or saying really confusing things like "Is it four past eleven already, Godfrey? To the hydrofoil!", "Look at you looking at me looking at you. I want to talk to you.", "Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular. Wildcat. Wildcat.", or "Helga the horse is no more than a morsel, nothing but vessel for Dionysus. Or was it Isis? The river knows." I think about this all the time. The possible answers change in my head depending on the size of the mugger, the apparent intoxication of the mugger, my level of intoxication, and whether the mugger is armed (and, if so, the type of arm). Mostly, I think about which option is most likely to get me stabbed.

8. When and how was space created?
Seriously, when and how was space created? And from what was it created? Is it possible to even know that? Things have to be created. This torments me sometimes.

7. When and how was God created?
More importantly, by whom (or what)? If God has allegedly been around forever, how is that even possible? Again, things have to be created. And if God was created by something else, what created that something else and how was it created?

6. Does my dog worship Zeus?
It's the only rational explanation for why she is so terrified of rain and thunder. She believes Zeus is angry. Also, she pukes only on rugs, carpets, or couches – never on the hardwood floor. Because wood is a natural material. And nature is made by Zeus.

5. Will there ever be a point when I give up?

4. Will IU go to a Rose Bowl in my lifetime? Sweet Jesus, Hoosiers, get it together.

3. Should I submit photos of Daughter to a baby modeling agency?
If so, will that doom her to a life of superstardom?

2. Am I going to be tired for the next 30 years of my life?
Seriously, I can't remember a time since I started working that I would consider myself to be "well-rested."

1. Can I run 500 meters in less than 2 minutes?
If so, I would definitely beat a horse running 1 1/8 mile to the finish line at Arlington. Eat it, Brothers Weeser* (minus Greg and Tim, oddly).

Again, if you have answers to any of these questions, please let me know.

On a side note, I do have the answer to this question: What is the best way to get those annoying charitable organization sidewalk stalkers to leave you alone? Tell them you already donate. And if they call you a liar -- which they won't -- you have my permission to go ape shit.