Tuesday Top Ten: Things I Would Do With the Stanley Cup

I would have posted this last week, had I not been in the middle of my once-a-year weeklong slumber in my hyperbaric chamber.

Anyway, one of the coolest championship traditions in pro sports is that every member of the team that wins the Stanley Cup gets to have the Cup for a day. With all of the recent Cup-related activity in Chicago, I thought of what I would do with it.

1. Walk around the entire day extremely confused, since I've never played hockey. (Ice hockey, that is. I was a hell of a floor hockey player in the late '80s and early '90s, and I am positive that my mom still has the trophies to prove it.)
2. Smite my enemies with it.
3. Throw a Cup fucking party.
4. Fly it to the UK and/or Ireland and drink Caffrey's from it.
5. Bathe Daughter in it and take just the most adorable baby bathing in the Stanley Cup picture you've ever seen. Eat it, Messier.
6. Wear is as a giant codpiece (or should I say as a -- wait for it -- cup?).
7. Fly to California, see a doctor, claim that my back hurts, get a prescription for weed, and make the biggest bowl ever. I guess I don't really need the Stanley Cup to do that, but it would be cool to have it around to hold all of the cheeseburgers I would be eating while high.
8. Wear it as a condom and bang that hot, yet disease-ridden, brontosaurus at the Field Museum who's always making eyes with me.
9. Make a short film entitled "Stanley Cup," about a silver, faceless, deaf mute named Stanley Cup who plays pinball really well.
10. All of the above.

How about you? What would you do with the Stanley Cup if you had it for a day?