TORONTO 4 LIFE

As you may know, I have some pretty weird dreams. Last night, I had a pretty good one. The first thing of note is that I had gotten a huge tattoo of "TORONTO 4 LIFE" in connected block letters draped like a giant necklace around the top of my torso a few inches below where a t-shirt collar would be. Guys, I wish I could have somehow taken a picture of this thing. It was massive. The letters had to be about 4 inches tall. It was just an outline, probably because it would have cost several thousand dollars to fill in. Aside from the size of the tattoo, this is particularly astounding because, not only am I not Canadian, but I have never been to Toronto. Even in the dream, I was looking in the mirror and thinking, "Good God, this is huge. When the hell did I get this? Better yet, what prompted me to get this?" My in-dream reasoning? "It must have been because there are so many Canadian Second City alumni." Even in my dream, I wasn't satisfied with that answer.

But I had more important things to worry about than a giant tattoo proclaiming my undying devotion to a city I've never visited. You see, in the same dream, I was also friends with Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll. We were staying at the same hotel (Atlantis on Paradise Island, I believe), and he mentioned that he needed a running back. Looking past the fact that I had a dream in which I was staring at my bare chest while speaking to Pete Carroll, I was also conveniently good friends with Duce Staley -- yes, the very same Duce Staley who retired from the NFL after the 2006 season. I shot Duce a text to see if he wanted to give the NFL another shot, and I quickly got a text back that he would be interested in speaking with Carroll. It all made sense. Duce Staley is technically a free agent, and would likely be a pretty cheap option. And he had three 1,000-yard seasons during his career -- approximately two more than current Seahawks running backs Julius Jones, Justin Forsett, Leon Washington, and Quinton Ganther combined. Carroll was intrigued, but not entirely sold on it.

Right around this time, the alarm went off. Usually Jessie showers at night and I shower in the morning, but this morning both of us had to shower (night sweats). After hitting snooze a few times, she volunteered to shower first. I immediately agreed because, in my half-asleep state, I was thinking to myself, "Perfect. That'll give me some more time to wrap up this Staley/Carroll deal." It didn't.