"Man Forced to Eat Beard"

Sorry for the light posting lately. I've been working hellish hours, but I guess that goes with being a freestyle walker by day and a techno-pagan gravedigger by night. I don't even know what that means. Anyway, I'm sorry to say that I'm once again foregoing a Tuesday Top Ten this week, and I swear to God (or Dionysus) that I will finish my Oktoberfest recaps before the end of this millennium.

In a story you might think belongs on the Onion News Network, a rural Kentucky man who resembles a retarded bear was forced by his so-called friends to eat his own beard after an argument about a riding lawnmower turned from hilarious to "haywire." Apparently, one guy, Troy, got pissed because he offered to pay $250 for a lawnmower that the bear -- a baby-faced former Kentucky high school 100 meter dash state champion who now makes his living as a counterintelligence expert for the NSA, or so one can assume -- had only paid $20 for. Somehow, Troy thought that his $250 offer for the lawnmower was an effort by the bear to swindle Troy. In Lawrenceburg, Kentucky, this is logic. Thus, Troy did the only thing that a guy can do in that situation. Before the bear "knowed it," Troy cut the bear's beard off and made him eat it. Good Lord. Make sure to watch the news story about it that is embedded in the story. Thanks to Tradd for the link.

I'm not sure if that's a better story, or another one I read today in the Sun-Times. Last Friday, a 44-year-old Texas woman visiting Naperville left her kids in a hotel room to go to her van in the parking lot to pleasure herself with an as-yet-undescribed sex toy, and was arrested because she was, for some reason topless, and had a loaded gun in the van. As someone who can't help but take his shirt off and masturbate at the sight of a loaded firearm, I understand where she's coming (pun intended) from, but to do it in a van in a hotel parking lot is just uncouth. Jesus Christ, take a fucking shower.