As you may recall, I get a kick out of interviews, from both sides of the desk. However, I especially love fucking with interviewees. Thus, when I came across an article entitled "The 25 Weirdest Interview Questions of 2010," I had to read it.
I immediately thought of when I was in my third year of law school and I interviewed at a firm in Milwaukee. An associate who was interviewing me asked, "If you could be any dinosaur, what would you be and why?" I wanted to jam my horns into the guy's throat, but instead, I said something like, "Triceratops. Because they're calm and easy going, but they can defend themselves and take things down when they need to." Notice how I referred to them in the present tense. Anyway, that was apparently the right answer because the guy said, "Nice. Me too." I didn't get the job. Knowing what I know now from watching so much Dino Dan, I probably would now say "Compsognathus. Because they're decpetively fast and absolutely adorable." Then I would squawk like a bird, thus confusing everyone.
But I digress. Thankfully, that was by far the weirdest question I've ever been asked in an interview. When I read the article, I was baffled that people ask some of these questions or that companies actually allow this shit to go on. Then I thought about how I would answer each question. So, here are the 25 questions, and how I would answer them if asked in an interview:
1. If you were shrunk to the size of a pencil and put in a blender, how would you get out?
In liquid form, I assume.
2. How many ridges are there around a quarter? (Reportedly from Deloitte)
How many ridges are there around your mother?
3. What is the philosophy of martial arts? (A spokesperson for Aflac, where this question was used, says she hopes the candidate quoted Kwai Chang Caine from the 1970s TV show Kung Fu: "I seek not to know the answers, but to understand the questions.")
To fuck people up without even thinking about it. Also, just as an aside, I seek not to know the answers, but to understand the questions.
4. Explain to me what has happened in this country during the last 10 years (Reportedly from Boston Consulting)
Internet porn, Tom Brady, and the rise and fall and rise of Baby Bob.
5. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 how weird you are (Reportedly from Capital One)
Well, I like to listen to Captain Beefheart records while inventorying my collection of worm condoms. Can I offer you some clove gum? Is ten or one the weirdest, dickweed?
6. How many basketballs can you fit in this room? (Reportedly from Google)
About 714 more than I can fit in your ass. So, I guess 716.
7. Out of 25 horses, pick the fastest 3 horses. In each race, only 5 horses can run at the same time. What is the minimum number of races required? (Reportedly from Bloomberg LP)
Secretariat, Citation, and War Admiral. One.
8. If you could be any superhero, who would it be? (Reportedly from AT&T)
9. You have a birthday cake and have exactly three slices to cut it into eight equal pieces. How do you do it? (Reportedly from Blackrock Portfolio Management)
With a knife.
10. Given the numbers 1 to 1000, what is the minimum number of guesses needed to find a specific number if you are given the hint "higher" or "lower" for each guess you make? (Reportedly from Facebook)
11. If you had 5,623 participants in a tournament, how many games would need to be played to determine the winner? (Reportedly from Amazon)
5,622, unless it's a round robin, in which case, I'd have to go with Walter and The Dude. Am I wrong?
12. An apple costs 20 cents, an orange costs 40 cents, and a grapefruit costs 60 cents. How much is a pear? (Reportedly from Epic Systems)
I don't know, since that wasn't one of the fruits whose price you mentioned. However, I can tell you that an apple costs 20 cents, an orange costs 40 cents, and a grapefruit costs 60 cents.
13. There are three boxes. One contains only apples, one contains only oranges, and one contains both apples and oranges. The boxes have been incorrectly labeled such that no label identifies the actual contents of its box. Opening just one box, and without looking in the box, you take out one piece of fruit. By looking at the fruit, how can you immediately label all of the boxes correctly? (Reportedly from Apple)
Because I am Mysterion, that's how.
14. How many traffic lights are in Manhattan? (Reportedly from Argus Information and Advisory Services)
Too many! I kid, I kid. The answer is 16.
15. You are in a dark room with no light. You have 19 grey socks and 25 black socks. What are the chances you will get a matching pair? (Reportedly from Convergex)
The better question is, why do I have so many socks?
16. What do wood and alcohol have in common? (Reportedly from Guardsmark)
I have both in my pants right now.
17. How do you weigh an elephant without using a weigh machine? (Reportedly from IBM)
I use a scale, since I am not familiar with anything called a "weigh machine."
18. You have 8 pennies. Seven weigh the same, but one weighs less. You also have a judges scale. Find the penny that weighs less in three steps. (Reportedly from Intel)
Put 4 pennies on each side. One side will be lighter, since one side has to have the penny that weighs less. Thus, you take the pennies from the heavy side off, then split the pennies from the lighter side. Repeat this step once more, and you've found your light penny. Also, there's a fourth step, in which I punch you in the face for insulting my Intel-ligence. Pun intended, motherfucker.
19. Why do you think only a small portion of the population makes over $150,000? (Reportedly from New York Life)
There are two ways to look at it: economics or AIDS. Think about it.
20. You are in charge of 20 people. Organize them to figure out how many bicycles were sold in your area last year. (Reportedly from Schlumberger)
Trick question. I don't even have an area. Assuming I had an area, I would tell those 20 people to figure out how many bicycles were sold in my area last year.
21. How many bottles of beer are [consumed] in the city [in a] week? (Reportedly from Nielsen)
I don't know because that's a retarded question. That said, 143,121. No more, no less.
22. What's the square root of 2000? (Reportedly from UBS)
23. A train leaves San Antonio for Houston at 60 mph. Another train leaves Houston for San Antonio at 80 mph. Houston and San Antonio are 300 miles apart. If a bird leaves San Antonio at 100 mph, and turns around and flies back once it reaches the Houston train, and continues to fly between the two, how far will it have flown when they collide? (Reportedly from USAA)
Jesus Christ. This is why I'm glad you're my insurance company and not my employer. Thanks for having me in here today, and good luck with filling the position, you rat fucking bastard.
24. How are M&Ms made? (Reportedly from USBank)
They are not made; they are killed and de-limbed.
25. What would you do if you just inherited a pizzeria from your uncle? (This question comes from Volkswagen. A spokeswoman for the company tells BNET while the question is certainly not standard, the company's business analysts often have to take over and manage projects started by other people, so this question may have been a manager's attempt to see how a job candidate would run a project they 'inherited.')
I would leave this interview immediately, buy a BMW, pick up my mixed-race wife, and drive to my new pizzeria. I bet that really chaps your ass, doesn't it Adolf?