Friday, January 14, 2011

Vir-going Nowhere

As you know, I'm a rather vocal Scorpio. I have an awesome stinging hand sign that has gained popularity amongst several other Scorpios. Thus, it should come as no surprise that several friends concerned with my mental well-being sent me link to articles about some asshole astronomer named Parke Kunkle, who unilaterally decided that, due to changes in the Earth's alignment, the dates of many zodiac signs have changed and, while he was at it, he added a 13th sign.

Here are the allegedly new signs and date ranges:

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18 - May 13
Taurus: May 13 - June 21
Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20

So now I'm a Virgo. I went from being an introspective, bordering-on-psychic, sexual werewolf with a scorpion as a mascot, to being a narrow-minded, boring, indecisive virgin. And Scorpio is now only six days? I tell you what Parke, if that is your real name, I'm changing my birthday to November 25.

On the bright side, under this new regime, Daughter would be a Ophiuchus. Congrats, sweetie, you're a snake charming soothsayer. Actually, that's all I can ask for, in addition to supermodel.

All of this begs the question: Does one astronomer have the authority to change zodiac signs and create a new one? I think not, especially when the astronomer's name is completely made up. Regardless, I'm still on the Julian calendar, so I assume that this doesn't apply to me. Burn in hell, Parke.

No comments: