Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Tuesday Top Ten: Things I Have Not Done In The Past Two Days

Jester's sister Lizzie is a teacher, and she has made the wise choice to take the summer off instead of getting a summer job.  However, rather than choosing to do things that allow her to sleep in and keep her house clean, a few months ago, Lizzie offered to watch our kids for a few days at her abode in rural Indiana, by herself.  Jester and I happily obliged.  It's not that we don't love Daughter and Lollipop more than anything else in the world; it's just that sometimes it's nice not to have two kids under the age of four in your house.

So, we headed to the 'Noke Saturday, stayed over Saturday night, ate an unhealthy amount of fried food, and then left our kids at Lizzie's while they were napping Sunday afternoon.  Jester is going to pick them up tomorrow night via motorcar.

The last two days have been a revelation.  It's amazing what a couple days without kids can do for your routine.  Freedom is only half of it, while the other half is just not being busy every waking moment from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m.  For instance, here are 30 things I have not done in the past two days:

1.  Eaten dinner in my house

2.  Said "son of a biscuit," "I mean shoot," or "mothertrucker"

3.  The dishes six times

4.  Relegated anyone to the Naughty Stair

5.  Seen or smelled another human's feces

6.  Cleaned up spilled orange juice or milk five times during one meal

7.  Bargained

8.  Been asked by someone to make a specific meal, made that meal for that person, and then witnessed that person throw said meal on the floor and ask for yogurt instead

9.  Seen a shoe on the wrong foot

10.  Woken up in the middle of the night to find a toddler -- who started the night in her own bed -- mouth breathing in my face and/or kicking me in her sleep

11.  Witnessed someone demand a band-aid for slight bruise emitting no blood whatsoever

12.  Shushed someone

13.  Been shushed

14.  Tickled someone

15.  Been tickled

16.  Violently wiped anyone's face or hands

17.  Had anyone suggest to me that we go to the zoo and aquarium tomorrow

18.  Turned the corner into my living room only to see that whiny little son of a bitch Caillou on the TV screen, approximately 138 yogurt-covered raisins scattered on the floor, and a one-year-old standing on the coffee table

19.  Read a book out loud, other than literotica

20.  Had to ask a three-year-old to explain to me what a one-year-old just said

21.  Closed or locked my bedroom door for any reason

22.  Raised my voice

23.  Threatened to call Santa Claus "if you don't cut that out right now"
24.  Pretended to talk to Santa Claus because a three-year-old did not cut that out right now
25.  Been told by a three-year-old in tears that she will be nice and will never do that again
26.  Witnessed a three-year-old do that again

27.  Repeated someone's name seventeen times in a row before he or she looked in my direction

28.  Seen so much as a single naked princess lying face down in the middle of my kitchen

29.  Witnessed a fight over possession of one baby doll, despite the presence of multiple other baby dolls within a five foot radius
30.  Heard anyone cry due to: the failure of a guardian to provide a dinner consisting only of popsicles and Cheeto's Puffs; the mere suggestion of teeth brushing; or the removal of an iPad or phone that did not belong to them in the first place

Needless to say, I miss those little shitheads -- I mean shootheads.

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