So, we headed to the 'Noke Saturday, stayed over Saturday night, ate an unhealthy amount of fried food, and then left our kids at Lizzie's while they were napping Sunday afternoon. Jester is going to pick them up tomorrow night via motorcar.
The last two days have been a revelation. It's amazing what a couple days without kids can do for your routine. Freedom is only half of it, while the other half is just not being busy every waking moment from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. For instance, here are 30 things I have not done in the past two days:
1. Eaten dinner in my house
2. Said "son of a biscuit," "I mean shoot," or "mothertrucker"
3. The dishes six times
4. Relegated anyone to the Naughty Stair
5. Seen or smelled another human's feces
6. Cleaned up spilled orange juice or milk five times during one meal
8. Been asked by someone to make a specific meal, made that meal for that person, and then witnessed that person throw said meal on the floor and ask for yogurt instead
9. Seen a shoe on the wrong foot
10. Woken up in the middle of the night to find a toddler -- who started the night in her own bed -- mouth breathing in my face and/or kicking me in her sleep
11. Witnessed someone demand a band-aid for slight bruise emitting no blood whatsoever
12. Shushed someone
13. Been shushed
14. Tickled someone
15. Been tickled
16. Violently wiped anyone's face or hands
17. Had anyone suggest to me that we go to the zoo and aquarium tomorrow
18. Turned the corner into my living room only to see that whiny little son of a bitch Caillou on the TV screen, approximately 138 yogurt-covered raisins scattered on the floor, and a one-year-old standing on the coffee table
19. Read a book out loud, other than literotica
20. Had to ask a three-year-old to explain to me what a one-year-old just said
21. Closed or locked my bedroom door for any reason
22. Raised my voice
23. Threatened to call Santa Claus "if you don't cut that out right now"
24. Pretended to talk to Santa Claus because a three-year-old did not cut that out right now
25. Been told by a three-year-old in tears that she will be nice and will never do that again
26. Witnessed a three-year-old do that again
27. Repeated someone's name seventeen times in a row before he or she looked in my direction
28. Seen so much as a single naked princess lying face down in the middle of my kitchen
29. Witnessed a fight over possession of one baby doll, despite the presence of multiple other baby dolls within a five foot radius
Needless to say, I miss those little shitheads -- I mean shootheads.