Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Get Lent

Well everyone, it's that time of year again, where for 40 days and 40 nights I pretend that giving something up will somehow compensate for my absence from mass for over a year, constant blasphemy, gallons of devil water per week, on-again-off-again practice of Santeria, and that transient I keep locked up in my closet. His name is Clyde, and were that he attempt to leave, with a phone cord twenty lashes shall he receive, and were that he attempt to scream, into his skull would crash a beam, or at least that's what I tell him when I bathe him with a Swiffer Wet Jet every Sunday night. He's pretty cool.

Last year's Lenten abstention from drinking during the week and fried foods went swimmingly. This year, since I don't learn from my mistakes, I am giving up beer and fried foods for Lent. You may recall that Tron and I gave up beer in 2004. I certainly don't. It was the drunkest Lent I've ever had. Turns out you can drink a double Beam and Coke in the same time it takes you to drink a beer. Hopefully I will be able to control the beast within this time around.

As with last year, the power of Christ compels me to offer suggestions for those of you out there struggling to find something to give up. Also, as with last year, some of the suggestions relate to specific people. Anyway, here's what good for giving up:
  • Blinking
  • Singing "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness at live band karaoke
  • Hunting homeless men for sport (teenagers, apparently)
  • Popping your collars, wearing a sport coat with jeans, and wearing your fucking hat tilted to the side, asshole.
  • Smelling so damn good (that chick that sits in front of you in your telecom lecture that you will never ask out because you're hideous)
  • Looking hideous
  • Your dream of starting a ceral company named Raisin Brand that makes only raisin bran
  • Not smoking cloves
  • Your dead-end job washing barnacles of the bows of boats at the Bayside Bar and Marina
  • Alliteration
  • Life as you know it (Tom Brady)
  • Hair (Britney)
  • Drugs (Britney)
  • Alcohol (Britney)
  • Paris Hilton (Britney)
  • Lesbianism (Britney)
  • Public Indecency (Britney)
  • Rehab (Britney)
  • Laughing your ass off (K-Fed)
  • Stalking that hot chick that works in the Walgreen's across the street from your office, even though she only lives fourteen miles from you, and you guys would totally hit it off if you accidentally bumped into her when she was walking into her apartment next Tuesday night at 8:12 after she got back from spinning class, and you wouldn't hurt her unless she said that she would ever leave you because she is your destiny
  • Offending the shit out of Native Americans by dancing in a manner that bears little to know resemblance to any sort of traditional Native American dance (Chief Illiniwek)
  • Your dreams of becoming an astronaut
  • Not having sex three times a day -- with your husband (Jessie)
  • Judaism
  • Annoying the shit out of me with your commercials featuring smarmy long-haired middle-aged men (UPS)
  • Making bad decisions (Christoff)
  • Referring to every single male whose path you cross as "bro," "boss," "chief," "guy," or "stud"
  • Putting your wife before video bowling
  • Secretly praying for your mother's death so that you have a snowball's chance in hell of a normal life (Dannielynn Smith)
  • Airing (The OC)
  • Saying "At's a spicy meataball" after sex
  • Going to San Francisco (Tim Hardaway)
  • Your quest for the truth
  • Not getting a tan (Clyde)
  • Your repeated use of the phrase, "I'd fuck that shit"
  • Snatching people's asses in bear traps (Fat Abbott)
  • Corn
  • Korn
  • Thinking that you've got no reason to depants that bitch over there in the corner talking to her friends who didn't call you after one date, even though you dropped $83 on dinner
  • Your wife (as far as I can tell, God has a problem with infidelity and divorce, but not a 40-day trial separation)
  • Being born (fetuses at risk of becoming criminals)
  • Not saying "Hyoooohhh!" (a la Ed McMahon) whenever you step onto or off of a bus or train

3 comments:

GMYH said...

That should be "little to no resemblance," not "little to know resemblance" in my suggestion for the Chief.

Anonymous said...

Let's be honest here...Tom Brady's life isn't going to change all that much. Sure he knocked up his ex, but let's face facts here.

1)He's loaded
2)He's no longer dating the mother to be, so it's not like he has to stop fu*king other women, and
3)At the end of the day, his options are Gisele or Bridget Moynahan. Pregnant or not, those are still solid options that every guy who reads this wouldn't mind having.

AC said...

Thank you for touching on the UPS ad. That ad has almost convinced me to never use UPS again. If they are going for some whiny, long-haired douche, why doesn't deep-pocketed UPS just spring for the real thing, Richard Lewis?

If UPS is just that cheap, then I'm out; however, I tend to be too much of a half-full type of guy - Richard Lewis is probably just illiterate and cannot write on their beloved board. Thus finally closing the mystery as to why Richard Lewis' only endorsement campaign ever was for the failed juice drink Boku. Here's to hoping Richard Lewis finally found out why people didn't just drink Boku.

Side note: thank you for not posting anymore recounts of your dreams.