You Better Astro-Not Do That Again

I don't know if any of you have heard about this, but NASA astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak went bat shit nuts this past weekend and drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando to confront a woman named Colleen Shipman, who Nowak perceived to be a "romantic rival" for the affection of fellow astronaut (and total dreamboat) William Oefelien.

After reading the story, I think you'll agree with me that this is almost as crazy as the time Russell Huxtable was being pursued by both his future wife Anna and her chief rival for Russell's affection, some trick named Adda. In order to show Anna that she was his main squeeze, Russell decided to have Anna's name tattooed on his chest, but he was suffering from a cold at the time. The tattoo artist misunderstood him and tattooed "Adda" across Russell's chest! Oh the irony that he was being pursued by two women with similar sounding names! Understandably, Anna forced Russell to have the tattoo removed, leaving him with a permanent scar. The kicker is that Russell had always told Cliff that he got that scar fighting off a Nazi panzer attack in WWII. Everyone shared a good laugh because maybe the earring that Theo got to impress a girl wasn't so bad after all. At least he didn't try to straighten his hair and burn it all off instead, like Cliff did once upon a time in an attempt to impress Clair.

On second thought, Nowak's story is probably funnier than all three Huxtable stories combined. Here are the important details:

• Nowak -- who is married and has three kids -- apparently had (and possibly still has) the hots for Oefelien, despite the fact that his last name is nearly unpronounceable. But, the guy did pilot the Discovery this past December, and he did "beg[in] his aviation career as a teenager flying floatplanes in Alaska." That alone is enough to make any female astronaut moist, save for Christa McAuliffe, Judith Resnik, Kalpana Chawla, and Laurel Clark, of course (too soon?).
• In her arrest affidavit, Nowak described her relationship with Oefelein as "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship." What she's describing sounds a lot like "friendship," but hey, I'm not an astronaut.
• After somehow finding out that Shipman was going to visit Oefelien in Orlando, "Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom." Thank you Associated Press for putting that picture in my head.
• Nowak's end to these urine- and feces-soaked means was to confront Shipman. Thus, Nowak got Orlando International Airport -- they have a great people mover there, by the way -- and waited for Shipman to land. She then boarded the same shuttle bus as Shipman and followed her to the parking garage. Oh, I forgot to mention that Nowak was wearing a wig and a trench coat.
• Once Shipman got to her car, Nowak confronted her under the classic "I'm wearing a wig and a trench coat, so I need a ride" guise. When Shipman refused, Nowak sprayed pepper spray into her car. Shipman somehow drove off and called the cops.
• As with most astronauts who stalk their rivals like prey, Nowak only wanted to scare Shipman into talking to her about her relationship with Oefelein, but didn't want to harm her physically. Nowak's story was further bolstered by what police found in her car, on her person, and in a motel room where she was probably going to take Shipman to "talk": a BB gun, an unused BB gun cartridge, pepper spray, a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600, garbage bags, latex gloves, emails between Shipman and Oefelein, an opened package for a buck knife, a letter in which Nowak professed her love for Oefelein (why she needed this to kidnap and murder Shipman is unclear, but then again, I'm not an astronaut), Shipman's home address, and handwritten directions to Shipman's house.
• If it was Nowak's intent to woo Oefelein after kidnapping and murdering Shipman, you would think she would have presented herself a little bit better than this:Jesus, she looks like that tranny that Felicity Huffman played in Transamerica. No wonder she was worried about Shipman moving in on her non-boyfriend.