Things to Do in Chicago When You're Dead

• Go to sleep at 10 p.m. on Friday night because you got up at 5 Friday morning.
• Awaken briefly around 9:27 a.m. on Saturday so that wife can tell you that she took the dog out before she goes home to Northwest Indiana for approximately 30 hours to see her sister's new house.
• Awaken for good at 11:05 a.m., after 13 glorious hours of sleep.
• Revel in the fact that you got 13 hours of sleep for the first time in over 5 years, celebrating by sitting on the couch and winning a staring contest with your potentially autistic dog.
• Watch a whole host of college basketball games between schools that you did not attend, including, but not limited to, Duke, North Carolina State, Syracuse, Pittsburgh, Marquette, Georgetown, Wright State, Valparaiso, Boston College, North Carolina, Texas, Texas Tech, Purdue, and Northwestern.
• Complete assignment for Second City class by writing first 15 pages of screenplay that someone one day will call both hilarious and poignant, even if that someone is you.
• Get phone call from wife explaining that your Swedish-made station wagon is without a functioning alternator, that there are no alternators for Swedish-made cars in all of Northwest Indiana, and that your Swedish-made station wagon will thus be spending a week in the Huntington, Indiana area.
• Curse.
• Shower.
• Dress yourself, for Christ's sake.
• Meet Tradd at 6:45 at the corner of Wilton and Diversey and walk to Duffy's for Hess's going away party, which will be $20 for domestic drafts and well drinks from 7 to 11.
• Be the first to arrive at the party.
• Order your first of many whiskey and diets because you're watching your weight but not your sobriety.
• Hang out with the likes of Hess, Davidson, Dietz, Kern, Babcock, Poll, Garfield, Dickerson, McHugh, Grant, Schuster, some dudes you don't know, and some chicks you don't know who are with the dudes you do and don't know.
• Watch Garfield -- the dude you know, not the incorrigibly lazy cat -- fail miserably in his attempt to convince your waitress that she needs to bring a bucket of gin, as he has purchased a turkey baster and a can of Peach Citrus Fresca, leaving him two key ingredients away from a Gin Bucket.
• Leave with Tradd at 11:30 or so with one goal: a burrito.
• Go to Bamba's and order a regular steak burrito with everything and side of cheese sauce, which most people don't realize is actually made from the body of Christ.
• Watch Tradd order super chicken nachos, but fail to finish them while in the restaurant because he has to excuse himself, and when some dude asks if he is blocking Tradd's car, watch Tradd explain that he was merely vomiting in the Bamba's parking lot, rather than owning a car that was in a position to be blocked in.
• Walk towards home with Tradd, as he carries the remainder of his super chicken nachos and retires.
• Text Christoff and discover that he is at Corcoran's, where you will not be going to sleep.
• Despite the fact that you are only two blocks from home and could easily have the first back-to-back nights of 10+ hours of sleep in six or seven years, grab a cab outside Grand Central and head to Corcoran's.
• Meet Christoff, The Brothers Weeser* (minus Greg, of course), Noreen, and the Lutzows at Corcoran's.
• Arrive just in time for them (minus Noreen) to go to another bar, the Old Town Ale House.
• Fail to realize at that time that the Old Town Ale House is open until 5 a.m. on Saturdays.
• Drink PBR and probably some other kinds of beer at Old Town Ale House.
• While taking a cigarette break outside, run into the ex-girlfriend of your Australian friend named Andrew, and when she asks how Andrew is doing, tell her that "he's doing great things," without any further elaboration.
• Text Andrew to tell him that you just saw his ex-girlfriend and told her he was doing great things.
• Fail to leave when the Lutzows leave.
• Fail to leave when Christoff leaves.
• Fail to leave when Tim Weeser* leaves.
• Sit with Dan Weeser* and get even more elegantly wasted, while having deep conversations about political ideologies, religion, and probably some other things.
• During a discussion about the merits of the existence of God, inadvertently attract the attention of two females sitting at the table next to you -- one unattractive, one possibly attractive -- who join the conversation, which takes a decidedly less God-based tone.
• Find out that the possibly attractive girl is from Nashville and be honest when she asks you for your opinion on country music.
• After you explain that you dislike country music, for some reason be asked by a possibly attractive girl whether you like Alan Jackson.
• Explain again to a possibly attractive girl that you dislike country music, but you know the words to "Chattahoochee" because one time in high school Mike Jones (the dude you know, not the rapper) had a broken car stereo, and so he had a little boombox in his Ford Escort Pony, but the radio on the boombox didn't work, and the only tape he had was his brother's tape single of "Chattahoochee," so you and your buddies listened to it over and over again for the entire night and you never knew how much that muddy water meant to you.
• Be told by a possibly attractive girl that her neighbor in Nashville is Alan Jackson, who has a legitimate problem with crazy fans stealing trees from his property.
• Discover that possibly attractive girl also lives on the same block as Tanya Tucker, whose name you recognize but who you couldn't pick out of a one-person line-up, and Willie Nelson, who is one of one living country musicians whose music you tolerate.
• Get invited back to an unattractive girl's apartment, which is just down Wells a couple blocks, because Old Town Ale House is about to close.
• Accept invitation, reminding an unattractive girl that you and Dan Weeser* are both happily married, but will gladly consume free beer.
• Upon your arrival at an unattractive girl's apartment, watch as a possibly attractive girl immediately goes to sleep in the second bedroom, while you and Dan Weeser* notice all of the sailing shit on the walls and her dog named Dave who limps because one of his paws is all fucked up and will be forever.
• Pet Dave and comment on "what a good dog" he is.
• Question an unattractive girl about all the sailing shit on her walls.
• Discover that she is into sailing.
• Confirm your and Dan Weeser*'s disinterest in an unattractive girl who is into sailing by explaining that you have at least one perfect husband for her, based solely on your friends' love of and participation in sailing, even though you know that neither of your friends would pursue this girl outside of perhaps a boat race.
• Ask unattractive girl about Dennis Conner, and discover that Dennis Conner is not well-liked by this unattractive girl and that Dennis Conner once saw her while she was changing into a bathing suit in her car and it was pretty awkward.
• Realize that it is after 6 a.m. and you and Dan Weeser* are in the apartment of an unattractive girl with a gimpy dog who is into sailing.
• Finish beer.
• Leave unattractive girl's apartment with Dan Weeser* and curse along with Dan Weeser* as you realize that the sun is about to come up.
• Catch a cab home and stay conscious for a considerable portion of the ride home.
• Get shocked awake at 11:30 a.m. -- still drunk because you had your last beer a little more than five hours beforehand -- by the repeated pressing of the button that causes your buzzer's high-pitched and unforgiving scream.
• Go downstairs, but realize that you are only wearing boxers.
• Return to bedroom.
• Put pants on.
• Continue downstairs and buzz person in without regard for who it might be, discovering that it is one of your neighbors who locked herself out.
• Close door.
• Slap the shit out of yourself for completely nullifying the 13 hours of sleep you got Friday night.
• Receive a call from Christoff, who wants to know if you want to go somewhere for breakfast.
• Accept Christoff's invitation.
• Go to Clarke's on Lincoln.
• Believe that maybe this time you will have decent service at Clarke's, even though you have never had decent service at Clarke's.
• Order a bacon cheeseburger with Meunster using those exact words.
• When asked by your waitress several minutes after your order whether you wanted a skillet with bacon and Meunster, explain to waitress that you would like a bacon cheeseburger with Meunster using those exact words.
• Watch the beginning of the IU/Michigan State game at Clarke's and have a bad feeling about things when Jordan Crawford bricks a breakaway dunk when IU is already down by ten.
• Go to Morgan's house to watch the rest of the game.
• Finally sober up.
• Watch as the last few minutes of the IU/Michigan State game get preempted by CBS to show commercials.
• Get picked up by your wife, who is driving a late-model maroon Toyota Corolla with Florida plates.
• Walk your dog with the wife.
• Be surprised at how well she takes the fact that you were up until 6:30 when you explain that you met Alan Jackson's neighbor.
• When she asks whether you think there is any chance she will get to meet Alan Jackson, explain to her that you don't even know the name of the possibly attractive girl who lived next door to Alan Jackson.
• Go to Penny's for dinner.
• Buy some Liquid Plumr at 7-11 because your fucking shower refuses to keep water within its drain.
• Curse as an entire bottle of Liquid Plumr is wholly ineffective at allowing water in your shower to drain.
• Watch your dog freak out and sniff the computer speakers when you play a YouTube video of a dachshund "singing."
• Play video of dachshund "singing" several times.
• Watch a fascinating documentary series on History International about the SS.
• Thank God you and your dark hair and non-blue eyes never encountered Reinhard Heydrich.
• Wonder out loud whether your friend Holt, whose last name is Hedrick, is distantly related to Reinhard Heydrich.
• Vow never to again speak to your friend Holt.
• Go to bed around 9:43.