Tuesday Top Ten: Things Not to Say on a First Date

A few weeks ago, I came across this article on Yahoo entitled "10 things NOT to say on a first date." Here is their list:

1. "My ex is crazy."
2. "I would like to get married and have kids asap."
3. "Who are you voting for?"
4. "Can you pay the check? I'm broke."
5. "What's your favorite TV show?"
6. "Where did you go to school?"
7. "Can I take your picture?"
8. "I'm poly-(fill in the blank)"
9. "So I just got out of rehab."
10. "So ya wanna come back to my place?"

I found some to be fairly accurate and some to be pretty painfully obvious. Really, I shouldn't tell her I'm a polygamist or ask to take her picture? They might as well have put "I'm really into necrobestiality" on the list. But the more I thought about it, their list still left some other faux pas (I'll admit that I have no idea how to make that plural, so I'll just leave it as it is, since it ends in an "s") off that I think are worth mentioning. And it's not like anyone actually says, "So I just got out of rehab" on a first date, unless the date has gone so horribly and the person just wants an out. Personally, I prefer, "Shit, that's my wife calling. I should take this. She's been kind of a wreck since our little girl started chemo this morning."

Anyway, here are ten things you definitely should not say on a first date:

10. "Oh God! What's that on your face?!" There are two things wrong with this one. First, you should never bring up religion on a first date. Second, you shouldn't be looking him/her in the face until after you've bagged him/her. Always maintain an air of elusiveness and indifference until then.
9. "Care to dance?" For a guy, nothing throws out the gay vibe like asking a girl to dance. For a girl, pretty much every guy will assume you're a whore if you want to dance. And why the fuck is your first date at a discotheque anyway? Note: this is completely inapplicable to same-sex first dates, since those almost exclusively revolve around dancing.
8. "I hate rubbers." Of course you do. Everyone does. No need to state the obvious when you could be using that time to buy her another kamikaze.
7. "My ex is your mom." Under no circumstances should you be on a date with your daughter.
6. "Let me pick up the check." You might as well say, "Hi, I'm a giant asshole and I have more money than you. After I pay this, perhaps you can bow down to me, as I am so obviously your superior."
5. "I'm a virgin." This is as much of a turn-off as "Oooh, actually, I don't do anal." Or it may have the opposite effect: it may turn your date on, which is exactly what your virgin ass didn't want to do. Either way, this is definitely something that shouldn't be discussed ever on a first date. Save it for when you two are in bed after you go dancing on your second date.
4. "Oh shit, I left my weed at home." Even if you did leave your weed at home, don't say anything because you'll come across as scatter-brained and ill-prepared. No one wants to date someone who's disorganized. If he/she asks you, "So do you have any weed?," and you left it at home, you should say, "No, I smoked it all when I was driving here." In doing so, you actually kill two birds with one stone: (1) you come across as very cool and (2) you can pretty much say whatever you want for the remainder of the date because he/she assumes you are baked.
3. "Come again." Once is enough on the first date. The last thing you want to do is give the other person unreasonably high expectations. Feign illness and leave immediately.
2. "So, do you want to see Quantum of Solace, Madagascar 2, or Zack and Miri Make a Porno?" Allowing options makes you come across as indecisive. Instead, I'd go with a simple, "Shhhhh. You might as well stop screaming. No one can hear you anyway." That really tells him or her that you are a go-getter with clear direction.
1. "I'm a lawyer." Eeewwwww. Note: this does not apply if you are not actually a lawyer.