Friday, December 26, 2008

Sweet Names

I don't mind unique names. Frankly, I think unique names can be pretty cool when used properly. It's another thing, though, when you give your kid a name that is (1) impossible to pronounce correctly on the first try, (2) impossible to spell without the help of the person whose name it is, (3) sounds like a skin condition, internal organ, children's cough remedy, or prescription medication, (4) or evokes the reaction, "what?!"

Anyway, at work I've been going through a list of names of people who may or may not be included in a class action, and there have been some unbelievable names. Some of them may be "ethnic," so if any of these names are, say, traditional Tajik names, I apologize, as it's been a while since I've visited Dushanbe. But seriously, I excluded names that were obviously foreign (based on the last name), and there are still some baffling names.

Here are the names that sound like skin conditions:
-Aloma
-Cledra
-Cleola
-Damia
-Evisa
-Hubebia
-Ligia
-Malkeia
-Okema

These names are unpronounceable on the first, if not, fifth attempt:
-Aucttaive
-Jekaterin
-Joerjat
-Kashewjua
-Letonjaly
-Tyenieska

These names would be totally badass names, but only for ninjas or samurais:
-Catoya
-Kutare
-Wartari
-Ynobe

And here are the rest:
-Cleophus. A distant relative of the hippopotamus.
-Cleophaus. Cleopatra's German villa. Not to be confused with Cleophus.
-Stanquitta. Stan Mikita's banana concern.
-Lebora. Man, that chick's lebora were HUGE.
-Shantryce. "Did you shan once yesterday?" "No, dude, I totally shan tryce."
-Liduvina. Capital of Latvia.
-Treandos. Aren't the Treandos the mascot for the University of San Diego?
-Phouthon. Great place to play laser tag.
-Frenchie. No comment necessary.
-Armentha. Armenia's version of absinthe. This shit will fuck you up.
-Jabrone. Don't they manufacture earpieces for cell phones?
-Tenise. Because Denise didn't sound enough like tennis.
-Javaid. This could very well be -- and should only be -- the name of a self-help tool for Java script.
-Intisar. The company that was formed when Initech and Initrode merged.
-Mindote. I think that's supposed to be MINNDOT, as in the Minnesota Department of Transportation.
-Mecca. Way to set your kid of for failure. You might as well name him (?) God, Buddha, or Robert Montgomery Knight.
-Luches. I think these are kind of like shingles.
-Anais. Why not just name him (?) Sfinktor or Wrectom?
-Mehwish. Mehwish my name wasn't Mehwish.
-Tijuana. There were actually several Tijuanas. Then again, there were several Garys.
-Torris. Big Ford fans. Well, big illiterate Ford fans.
-Enjoli. How do we tell the world that we enjoy Angelina Jolie?
-Enjolique. How do we tell the world that we enjoy the garlic supplement Garlique?
-Ivory. This wouldn't be that big of a deal, except that there were also several Ebonys. Based on their addresses, they didn't live in perfect harmony, at least geographically.
-Refugio. Someone is a big fan of Nolan Ryan's birthplace.
-Bi. Curious?
-Etheria. After getting The Clap, my etheria was killing me.
-Jirri. The jirri's still out on this one. Ah-thank you!
-Lashundra. That's the noise that's made when someone does a really good cannonball off the high dive. Lashundra!
-Luckana. There is nothing lucky about having this name.
-Corley. Man, that bitch is corley!
-Saunja. Man, I hate when all those ninjas show up at the sauna. It totally turns into a saunja.
-Kentyida. How can I make sure my daughter knows that my favorite Bengals quarterback of all-time is Ken Anderson, that I love the company that makes Beanie Babies, and that she was conceived in Florida?
-Guat. Wasn't that the dude that lived in that guy's stomach in Total Recall?
-Tarvine. A little tarvine should get the gunk out of your engine and help viscosity.
-Scypion. This is a pretty cool name for a car.
-Falix. I hope this dude is tall. Otherwise he'd be a pretty shitty falix symbol.
-Nuel. Is that like Nu Metal, but referring to French Christmas?
-Haigaty. Hai to you too!
-Nadege. More like Nadouche.
-Wakeshaica. Boom wakeshaica!
-Mair. No one wants to be named after a misspelled female horse.
-Junera. I always had trouble falling asleep, that is, until Junera came along.
-Artdel. Horsehair brushes, canvasses, and Cray-Pas are fifty percent off through Sunday at all Artdel locations.
-Muna. I loved her on Who's the Boss?
-Laarni. Anything that sounds like larva should be avoided.
-Lamica. I think a nice new lamica floor would really increase the value of your house.
-Calithus. I can't tell if this conjures up an image of a Roman sentinel or something you stick in your pee hole when you're not able to control your bodily functions.
-Leonidas. "Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty. For tonight, we dine in hell!"
-Trense. Is that past or present?
-Stargeic. Is that pronounced "star-geek" or "star-gay-ick"? Does it matter?
-Mose. East Pennsylvanian beet farmer.
-Demerrell. Might as well have named him (?) Morfeen.
-Syreeta. I'm all for word combinations, but Syria beet pita is not something a child should be named after.
-Ditony. There have to be better ways to express your distaste for former U.S. Olympic goalkeeper Tony Meola.
-Tyland. Must be syameze.
-Giota. This sounds like a low-end Italian car manufacturer.
-Evadney. I also try to evade 49ers kicker Joe Nedney, but I'm not going to translate that evasion into a child's name.
-Suzwanna. Oh, Suzwanna, don't you cwry for me.
-Cleathel. It's too bad he or she is not an NFL linebacker, or else he or she could be known as the Cleathel Weapon.
-Clotilde. Using its flagellum, the clotilde makes its way through the bloodstream.
-Quantas. I wonder if he or she has ever crashed.
-Birunzi. The capital of Zamunda?
-Nartarsha. I bet her mom pronounces wash "warsh."
-Zamani. I hear their wines are excellent.
-Jawanda. This is what happens when your father is a big fan of the indigenous tribes of Tatooine, while your mom is a big fan of movies starring Kevin Kline, John Cleese, and Jamie Lee Curtis.
-Shuwana. Shuwana start somethin', ese?
-Takiyah. Takiyah attitude and get outta heah!
-Dunmerril. Isn't that a town in Connecticut?
-Semella. I semella rat. Ah-thank you!
-Verbema. It's the new word association game that's sweeping the nation!
-Genita. She might as well be named Vagin, Peni, or Pubic Hai.
-Exania. You should not take Exania if you are pregnant or may become pregnant.
-Yamelsie. The winningest race camel in Dubai.
-Wykeeta. Weren't the Wykeeta a rival tribe of the Ojibwa?
-Ferrari. "Like the car?" "Yes, like the fucking car."
-Jeffersti. "Like the third President?" "No, like a horrible name that should never be given to a child?"
-Furlando. Orlando's largest beard convention.
-Charlo. Cuchi cuchi!
-Princella. Shouldn't it be Princessella, or is the point to create gender confusion issues?
-Starlicia. Should've just named her Pornstarlicia.
-Venuse. Her brothers Marse and Jupitere also hate their names.
-Durice. Whenever I make paella, I always make sure to include Durice. Ah-thank you!
-Romein. How do you say "I love lettuce" without proper spelling?
-Jono. The love child of John Lennon and Bono?
-Griselda. This is what you name your daughter when you want her to grow up to live alone in a German forest, where she lures children of woodcutters to her gingerbread cottage so that she can fatten them up and eat them.
-Anarda. Maybe her parents shoulda given 'er anarda name.
-Carma. Bitch.
-Conquista. Wasn't this a sedan made by Chrysler in the '70s?
-Precious. I assume this is a cat.
-Elvira. Unless she has giant cans and/or is a mistress of the dark, then this name makes no sense, unless she was conceived by one of the Oak Ridge Boys.
-Clementine. "Oh my darling." "Yeah, I haven't heard that one before."
-Gaspar. "Like the friendly ghost?" "No, Gaspar." "Right, like the friendly ghost?" "No, with a 'g'." "Casparg?"
-Shawdale. A quaint retirement community.
-Edrena. Twin Labs Ripped Fuel, now featuring Edrena.
-Egeria. Isn't that between the Sudan and Somalia?
-Renate. I guess this will happen when you clone Nate.
-Irish. Yes, his last name started with a "Mc," which means he wears a pancake hat, drinks whisky (but not whiskey), participates in bare-knuckle boxing, and can't stop talking about "this bloody potato famine." And he owns a pot of gold.
-Demetria. It was a shame when grandma finally succumbed to demetria.
-Garnold. I like The Gooch, but I also like Arnold Jackson. What to do?!
-Jovan. I hope he or she has sex appeal.
-Lasantia. A lesser-known British luxury ocean liner, the RMS Lasantia was able to avoid U-boat torpedo fire.
-Loetisis. I could barely take a dump 'cause my loetisis was acting up.
-Nelliett. I love Gimme a Break, the abbreviation for the Latin phrase meaning "that is," and Texas Tech, but I just can't figure out how to fit it all into one name.
-Answer. The answer is no.
-Tehray. Is there a way to put my love of Iran's capital and manta rays into my child's name?
-Nando. Last name: Calrissian.
-Zina. Warrior princess?
-Xzaviera. Zina's cousin, although more warrior than a princess.
-Carmel. I hope she (?) is sweet.
-Arlendale. Oh yeah, isn't that right next to Shaker Heights?
-Alzine. My stomach was exploding after I ate all those enchiladas. Luckily I always carry some alzine with me.
-Segdrick. Is this pronounced "sej-rick" or "segg-drick"? Either way, not good.
-Jerlean. There were multiple Jerleans. I can't understand why.
-Galerius. If you have this name, you better be funny. No, actually, you better be gelarius. Ah-thank you!
-Jerika. I've found it!
-Comettra. Isn't this the chick that Lion-O used to bang on ThunderCats?
-Hurlice. Whose lice?
-Iraida. Iraida you, uraida me.
-Toylin. I've been toylin' in mediocrity because my parents gave me a terrible name.
-Drusilla. Actually, this is a great name for your undead daughter who feasts on the blood of the living.
-Corgy. I assume his or her siblings are named Pomeranian, Bichon, and Shitsu.
-Lavera. That's what I use to get tough stains out of my clothes.
-Lavance. Or maybe it's this.
-Hycel. I just hope his (?) twin brother is Locel.
-Eldevon. El Debarge, sure, but Eldevon?
-Leonarge. El Debarge, sure, but Leonarge?
-Getaun. On it?
-Latondria. Doesn't this border Estonia?
-Eliezer. No, no, sweetie, it's spelled "elixir."
-Luxora. Goddess of nothing.
-Dong
-Hung
-Suck
-Norval. I think this is either an intergovernmental maritime agency or a contraceptive.
-Stoney. You better hope your kid is really good at taking bong hits.
-Ashish. Ditto.
-Pansie. I pray this isn't a boy's name.
-Hanaa. Aand heer siisters.
-Iroctanya. Who rocks Tanya? Wow. You could have just been named Tanya, but nooooo, your parents had to add your place of conception to your name. That doesn't rock.
-Delcine. adj. Like, or in the manner of, Del.
-Shant-E. I've always preferred Shant-D.
-Survator. I love robot surveyors.
-Averron. Isn't that a Toyota?
-Fallen. And I can't get up.
-Dementra. Goddess of the Starfish.
-Equness. A chain of health clubs, but without all the hassle of contracts.
-Shulunda. Why?
-Lurine. Anything that rhymes with urine should be avoided.

And the best part is that I'm only partially through this list of names, so expect more fun in the coming weeks.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is a really insensitive post.

Letonjaly said...

I'll tell you who's insensitive, my parents.

gregerson said...

I really think your first-born child should be named Leonidas. That way, you can call him Leon without actually naming him Leon. I'm sure Jessie would be on board.

Syphilus said...

You jivin.