I don't mind unique names. Frankly, I think unique names can be pretty cool when used properly. It's another thing, though, when you give your kid a name that is (1) impossible to pronounce correctly on the first try, (2) impossible to spell without the help of the person whose name it is, (3) sounds like a skin condition, internal organ, children's cough remedy, or prescription medication, (4) or evokes the reaction, "what?!"
Anyway, at work I've been going through a list of names of people who may or may not be included in a class action, and there have been some unbelievable names. Some of them may be "ethnic," so if any of these names are, say, traditional Tajik names, I apologize, as it's been a while since I've visited Dushanbe. But seriously, I excluded names that were obviously foreign (based on the last name), and there are still some baffling names.
Here are the names that sound like skin conditions:
-Aloma
-Cledra
-Cleola
-Damia
-Evisa
-Hubebia
-Ligia
-Malkeia
-Okema
These names are unpronounceable on the first, if not, fifth attempt:
-Aucttaive
-Jekaterin
-Joerjat
-Kashewjua
-Letonjaly
-Tyenieska
These names would be totally badass names, but only for ninjas or samurais:
-Catoya
-Kutare
-Wartari
-Ynobe
And here are the rest:
-Cleophus. A distant relative of the hippopotamus.
-Cleophaus. Cleopatra's German villa. Not to be confused with Cleophus.
-Stanquitta. Stan Mikita's banana concern.
-Lebora. Man, that chick's lebora were HUGE.
-Shantryce. "Did you shan once yesterday?" "No, dude, I totally shan tryce."
-Liduvina. Capital of Latvia.
-Treandos. Aren't the Treandos the mascot for the University of San Diego?
-Phouthon. Great place to play laser tag.
-Frenchie. No comment necessary.
-Armentha. Armenia's version of absinthe. This shit will fuck you up.
-Jabrone. Don't they manufacture earpieces for cell phones?
-Tenise. Because Denise didn't sound enough like tennis.
-Javaid. This could very well be -- and should only be -- the name of a self-help tool for Java script.
-Intisar. The company that was formed when Initech and Initrode merged.
-Mindote. I think that's supposed to be MINNDOT, as in the Minnesota Department of Transportation.
-Mecca. Way to set your kid of for failure. You might as well name him (?) God, Buddha, or Robert Montgomery Knight.
-Luches. I think these are kind of like shingles.
-Anais. Why not just name him (?) Sfinktor or Wrectom?
-Mehwish. Mehwish my name wasn't Mehwish.
-Tijuana. There were actually several Tijuanas. Then again, there were several Garys.
-Torris. Big Ford fans. Well, big illiterate Ford fans.
-Enjoli. How do we tell the world that we enjoy Angelina Jolie?
-Enjolique. How do we tell the world that we enjoy the garlic supplement Garlique?
-Ivory. This wouldn't be that big of a deal, except that there were also several Ebonys. Based on their addresses, they didn't live in perfect harmony, at least geographically.
-Refugio. Someone is a big fan of Nolan Ryan's birthplace.
-Bi. Curious?
-Etheria. After getting The Clap, my etheria was killing me.
-Jirri. The jirri's still out on this one. Ah-thank you!
-Lashundra. That's the noise that's made when someone does a really good cannonball off the high dive. Lashundra!
-Luckana. There is nothing lucky about having this name.
-Corley. Man, that bitch is corley!
-Saunja. Man, I hate when all those ninjas show up at the sauna. It totally turns into a saunja.
-Kentyida. How can I make sure my daughter knows that my favorite Bengals quarterback of all-time is Ken Anderson, that I love the company that makes Beanie Babies, and that she was conceived in Florida?
-Guat. Wasn't that the dude that lived in that guy's stomach in Total Recall?
-Tarvine. A little tarvine should get the gunk out of your engine and help viscosity.
-Scypion. This is a pretty cool name for a car.
-Falix. I hope this dude is tall. Otherwise he'd be a pretty shitty falix symbol.
-Nuel. Is that like Nu Metal, but referring to French Christmas?
-Haigaty. Hai to you too!
-Nadege. More like Nadouche.
-Wakeshaica. Boom wakeshaica!
-Mair. No one wants to be named after a misspelled female horse.
-Junera. I always had trouble falling asleep, that is, until Junera came along.
-Artdel. Horsehair brushes, canvasses, and Cray-Pas are fifty percent off through Sunday at all Artdel locations.
-Muna. I loved her on Who's the Boss?
-Laarni. Anything that sounds like larva should be avoided.
-Lamica. I think a nice new lamica floor would really increase the value of your house.
-Calithus. I can't tell if this conjures up an image of a Roman sentinel or something you stick in your pee hole when you're not able to control your bodily functions.
-Leonidas. "Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty. For tonight, we dine in hell!"
-Trense. Is that past or present?
-Stargeic. Is that pronounced "star-geek" or "star-gay-ick"? Does it matter?
-Mose. East Pennsylvanian beet farmer.
-Demerrell. Might as well have named him (?) Morfeen.
-Syreeta. I'm all for word combinations, but Syria beet pita is not something a child should be named after.
-Ditony. There have to be better ways to express your distaste for former U.S. Olympic goalkeeper Tony Meola.
-Tyland. Must be syameze.
-Giota. This sounds like a low-end Italian car manufacturer.
-Evadney. I also try to evade 49ers kicker Joe Nedney, but I'm not going to translate that evasion into a child's name.
-Suzwanna. Oh, Suzwanna, don't you cwry for me.
-Cleathel. It's too bad he or she is not an NFL linebacker, or else he or she could be known as the Cleathel Weapon.
-Clotilde. Using its flagellum, the clotilde makes its way through the bloodstream.
-Quantas. I wonder if he or she has ever crashed.
-Birunzi. The capital of Zamunda?
-Nartarsha. I bet her mom pronounces wash "warsh."
-Zamani. I hear their wines are excellent.
-Jawanda. This is what happens when your father is a big fan of the indigenous tribes of Tatooine, while your mom is a big fan of movies starring Kevin Kline, John Cleese, and Jamie Lee Curtis.
-Shuwana. Shuwana start somethin', ese?
-Takiyah. Takiyah attitude and get outta heah!
-Dunmerril. Isn't that a town in Connecticut?
-Semella. I semella rat. Ah-thank you!
-Verbema. It's the new word association game that's sweeping the nation!
-Genita. She might as well be named Vagin, Peni, or Pubic Hai.
-Exania. You should not take Exania if you are pregnant or may become pregnant.
-Yamelsie. The winningest race camel in Dubai.
-Wykeeta. Weren't the Wykeeta a rival tribe of the Ojibwa?
-Ferrari. "Like the car?" "Yes, like the fucking car."
-Jeffersti. "Like the third President?" "No, like a horrible name that should never be given to a child?"
-Furlando. Orlando's largest beard convention.
-Charlo. Cuchi cuchi!
-Princella. Shouldn't it be Princessella, or is the point to create gender confusion issues?
-Starlicia. Should've just named her Pornstarlicia.
-Venuse. Her brothers Marse and Jupitere also hate their names.
-Durice. Whenever I make paella, I always make sure to include Durice. Ah-thank you!
-Romein. How do you say "I love lettuce" without proper spelling?
-Jono. The love child of John Lennon and Bono?
-Griselda. This is what you name your daughter when you want her to grow up to live alone in a German forest, where she lures children of woodcutters to her gingerbread cottage so that she can fatten them up and eat them.
-Anarda. Maybe her parents shoulda given 'er anarda name.
-Carma. Bitch.
-Conquista. Wasn't this a sedan made by Chrysler in the '70s?
-Precious. I assume this is a cat.
-Elvira. Unless she has giant cans and/or is a mistress of the dark, then this name makes no sense, unless she was conceived by one of the Oak Ridge Boys.
-Clementine. "Oh my darling." "Yeah, I haven't heard that one before."
-Gaspar. "Like the friendly ghost?" "No, Gaspar." "Right, like the friendly ghost?" "No, with a 'g'." "Casparg?"
-Shawdale. A quaint retirement community.
-Edrena. Twin Labs Ripped Fuel, now featuring Edrena.
-Egeria. Isn't that between the Sudan and Somalia?
-Renate. I guess this will happen when you clone Nate.
-Irish. Yes, his last name started with a "Mc," which means he wears a pancake hat, drinks whisky (but not whiskey), participates in bare-knuckle boxing, and can't stop talking about "this bloody potato famine." And he owns a pot of gold.
-Demetria. It was a shame when grandma finally succumbed to demetria.
-Garnold. I like The Gooch, but I also like Arnold Jackson. What to do?!
-Jovan. I hope he or she has sex appeal.
-Lasantia. A lesser-known British luxury ocean liner, the RMS Lasantia was able to avoid U-boat torpedo fire.
-Loetisis. I could barely take a dump 'cause my loetisis was acting up.
-Nelliett. I love Gimme a Break, the abbreviation for the Latin phrase meaning "that is," and Texas Tech, but I just can't figure out how to fit it all into one name.
-Answer. The answer is no.
-Tehray. Is there a way to put my love of Iran's capital and manta rays into my child's name?
-Nando. Last name: Calrissian.
-Zina. Warrior princess?
-Xzaviera. Zina's cousin, although more warrior than a princess.
-Carmel. I hope she (?) is sweet.
-Arlendale. Oh yeah, isn't that right next to Shaker Heights?
-Alzine. My stomach was exploding after I ate all those enchiladas. Luckily I always carry some alzine with me.
-Segdrick. Is this pronounced "sej-rick" or "segg-drick"? Either way, not good.
-Jerlean. There were multiple Jerleans. I can't understand why.
-Galerius. If you have this name, you better be funny. No, actually, you better be gelarius. Ah-thank you!
-Jerika. I've found it!
-Comettra. Isn't this the chick that Lion-O used to bang on ThunderCats?
-Hurlice. Whose lice?
-Iraida. Iraida you, uraida me.
-Toylin. I've been toylin' in mediocrity because my parents gave me a terrible name.
-Drusilla. Actually, this is a great name for your undead daughter who feasts on the blood of the living.
-Corgy. I assume his or her siblings are named Pomeranian, Bichon, and Shitsu.
-Lavera. That's what I use to get tough stains out of my clothes.
-Lavance. Or maybe it's this.
-Hycel. I just hope his (?) twin brother is Locel.
-Eldevon. El Debarge, sure, but Eldevon?
-Leonarge. El Debarge, sure, but Leonarge?
-Getaun. On it?
-Latondria. Doesn't this border Estonia?
-Eliezer. No, no, sweetie, it's spelled "elixir."
-Luxora. Goddess of nothing.
-Dong
-Hung
-Suck
-Norval. I think this is either an intergovernmental maritime agency or a contraceptive.
-Stoney. You better hope your kid is really good at taking bong hits.
-Ashish. Ditto.
-Pansie. I pray this isn't a boy's name.
-Hanaa. Aand heer siisters.
-Iroctanya. Who rocks Tanya? Wow. You could have just been named Tanya, but nooooo, your parents had to add your place of conception to your name. That doesn't rock.
-Delcine. adj. Like, or in the manner of, Del.
-Shant-E. I've always preferred Shant-D.
-Survator. I love robot surveyors.
-Averron. Isn't that a Toyota?
-Fallen. And I can't get up.
-Dementra. Goddess of the Starfish.
-Equness. A chain of health clubs, but without all the hassle of contracts.
-Shulunda. Why?
-Lurine. Anything that rhymes with urine should be avoided.
And the best part is that I'm only partially through this list of names, so expect more fun in the coming weeks.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
This is a really insensitive post.
I'll tell you who's insensitive, my parents.
I really think your first-born child should be named Leonidas. That way, you can call him Leon without actually naming him Leon. I'm sure Jessie would be on board.
You jivin.
Post a Comment