First, it is important to understand just exactly what PDA is. Public Display of Affection, commonly known as "PDA," is a condition that has affected Americans since sometime in the summer of 1967. It is unclear exactly what causes PDA, although alcohol, obliviousness, and insecurity have been cited as possible causes. Symptoms of PDA include, but are not limited to, making out in front of other people without being paid to do so, embracing for an extended period of time while using public transportation, and public groping.
Studies have shown that people who engage in PDA actually believe the following six myths, which allow them to convince themselves that PDA is acceptable. If you think you or someone you know might be afflicted by PDA, please read following myths and the accompanying explanations as to why these myths are idiotic fallacies:
Myth #1: I'm not in public.
Wrong. Except for a very limited portion of the day, you are probably in public. Here's how you can tell: If you are in the presence of anyone besides yourself and your partner, then you are in public. If there is at least one other person in the same room or, if you're outdoors, someone within sight of you, then you are, in fact, in public. Of course, this (as well as pretty much all rules relating to PDA) has no applicability if you are involved in group sex of any kind. I hope this appeases the small, but vocal, orgy-frequenting GMYH readership.
Myth #2: I'm not engaging in a display of affection.
Wrong again. As I said in yesterday's post, holding hands is fine, as is an occasional peck on the cheek, but a lot of people don't realize that there is a line crossed with the passage of time or the insertion of the tongue into another person's mouth. Here is a non-exclusive list of displays of affection that are inappropriate in public (bear in mind that these apply whether you are married, engaged, going steady, dating, seeing each other, hanging out, friends, fuck buddies, acquaintances, just kind of know each other, just met drunkenly, or just met non-drunkenly):
- kissing that is anything more than a peck on the cheek or a "greeting" kiss
- repeated kisses, even if on the cheek
- rubbing noses with someone
- putting your face within six inches of your significant other person's face for more than one second
- fisting
- hugging or embracing for more than five seconds
- sitting on laps
- grinding (and yes, it is inappropriate even at a dance club)
- sexual intercourse
- fondling, petting, or groping of any kind
- digital penetration
- mutual masturbation
- giving OR receiving oral sex
- putting your hand in any pocket on your significant other's clothing
- putting your hand in someone else's pants
To reiterate, this is a non-exclusive list.
Myth #3: No one is paying attention to us.
No one was paying attention when the two of you were just sitting next to each other, but now that one of you is on the other's lap and you are playing what can only be described as a game of kissy face, you can guarantee that you have attracted everyone's attention. If people are looking away from you, it's because you have forced them to go out of their way to try to ignore you, but they can't, which means you have also attracted their hatred, which brings us to our next myth . . .
Myth #4: No one cares if we publicly display our affection.
Nothing could be further from the truth. While it is true that no one cares about YOU, they do care about what you do around them. As soon as you start to display your affection publicly, everyone around you becomes uncomfortable and angry. The longer it lasts, the longer everyone would like to see both of you murdered execution style -- not that you would notice, since you're staring intensely into each other's eyes while you exchange Eskimo kisses and stroke each other's heads.
It is also important to note that your level of drunkenness in no way diminishes the inappropriateness of your actions. Just because you're drunk doesn't make everyone else blind and deaf -- unless you happen to be at a school for people who are both blind and deaf, in which case, crank up the Twisted Sister and fuck like rabbits in the middle of the room because the rules of society can be thrown out the window.
Myth #5: Other people want to know that I love my significant other.
This is a common misconception. The truth is that no one has given any thought to -- or cares -- whether you are in love with the person standing next to you. If you're truly concerned that the general public will be confused as to the status of your relationship, shackles or a leash might be less offensive options.
Myth #6: If it's okay in Europe, then it's okay here.
No, no, no. This is flawed logic. While there are some things that America shares with Europe (Hasselhoff, hatred of gypsies, etc.), there is a lot that flies in Europe that doesn't fly here: universal health care, nudity in ads, monarchies, men in bikini briefs, six weeks of vacation time, mayonnaise on French fries, Razorlight. I could go on. The bottom line is that just because you once saw a young French couple basically having sex on a stairwell landing at the Eiffel Tower does not make it appropriate on this side of the pond. We're Americans. We keep our non-political and non-sports-related emotions to ourselves.
I hope this myth-busting session will shed some light on a phenomenon that has plagued our society for over forty years. The next time you are thinking about hugging, kissing, grinding on, or performing oral sex on someone while other people are present, I beg you to keep the foregoing myths about PDA in mind and disengage immediately, proceed back to a "room" that is devoid of other people, and then -- only then -- may you continue your affection. With some education, restraint, and practice, we may not be able to stamp out PDA completely, but we should be able to significantly decrease its rate of recurrence.
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