Shit I Hate: PDA

So I'm on the train this morning, minding my own damn business while reading a book and silently plotting ways to switch careers into rock singing, when I'm interrupted by some weird smacking sound coming from a few feet away. I think nothing of it until I hear it again a few seconds later. I look over to see a tall man leaning over his short wife next to the doors. He then proceeds to lean in and kiss her on the cheek, forehead, lips, and head no fewer than four more times, each time producing an obnoxious smacking noise. My soul-piercing glances after each kiss were met with indifference. And they apparently didn't notice when I conspicuously turned my back to them and sighed. I almost asked them to "knock that shit off." They were in their own little pre-work world, blissfully (or perhaps consciously) ignorant of the fact that this was rush hour and there were dozens of other people on the train. It was as if they were engaging in some pathetic form of foreplay, only they were not in the privacy of their own home and the end result was that the wife exited the train at Clark and Lake predictably unfulfilled.

Topping that, on a Sunday afternoon at Wrightwood Tap a few weeks ago, I shit you not, I witnessed some chick sitting on a guy's lap facing him and grinding on him like a stripper and making out with him for twenty minutes while their friends sat at the same table and tried to carry on a conversation. As far as I could tell, none of them were European.

Why would anyone think any of the above-mentioned behavior is appropriate in public? Let's get one thing straight: IT'S NOT. In fact, it's inconsiderate and annoying. To be frank, I'd go so far as to say that I hate it. No one wants to see you hugging for an extended period of time, making out, giving each other Eskimo kisses, or dry humping in public.

Now, I'm not saying it's inappropriate to hold hands or occasionally give your concubine a peck on the cheek. She has to know she's appreciated. But for the love of God, there is no need to engage in a prolonged embrace on an L platform. You're waiting for a train, not sending one of you off to war. Worse yet, you are annoying the shit out of everyone around you. You're not making people think, "Oh, those two must be in love." No, you're making people think, "Oh, those two are annoying the shit out of me, and I wish they would stop, and they probably aren't in love because no one who is in love is so insecure that they need to grope their significant other in public to prove their love. Now get your damn hand out of her back pocket." In conclusion, fuck off, but please, only in private.