Tuesday Top Ten: Fun Things to Do With Your Placenta

I think -- or at least, I thought -- we could all agree that placenta is gross. Yes, I realize some people like to eat it -- which, as I've mentioned before, I think is both disgusting and crazy -- or bury it in their yard, apparently thinking that it will grow another baby without the hassles of childbirth. That is wrong.

Jester came across an article entitled, I shit you not, "5 Fun Things You Can Do With Your Baby's Placenta." It's not an Onion article, either. It's dead serious. The least egregious of the "fun" things in this article was to bury it in the yard and "plant a placenta fruit tree." That's odd, but not nearly as odd as the other four "fun" suggestions:

(1) Make a teddy bear out of it. Seriously, look at this picture and tell me you don't want to vomit.

Why would anyone possibly think they should fashion something you hug out of afterbirth, or any type of meat or organ for that matter? This is some serial killer shit. "My infant once tried to test me. I sewed a teddy bear out of her placenta, while I enjoyed some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

(2) Grind it up and encapsulate it into pills. Of course. Because that's not as creepy as just eating it outright. "That Tylenol you have might be bad. It tasted weird." "Uh, that's not Tylenol."

(3) Make art with it -- which, by the way, I would call "placentart," but then again, I like combining words. What I don't like it art made with human afterbirth.

The picture looks like someone just threw her placenta onto a piece of white canvas a couple times. Oh wait, that's exactly what she did. "Oh, what an interesting abstract piece of art. Who's the artist?" "My afterbirth." "We can't be friends anymore."

(4) Use the blood as ink to make designs on your child's clothes. "Why does Billy keep eating his shirt?" "Because he's a cannibal."

With that as my inspiration, here are the top ten "fun" things I think you can do with your placenta:

10. Dice it up, sauté it, get some melted cheese in a crock pot, and guess what time it is: Placenta Fondue Party Time! And you know what goes best with placenta fondue? Three words: placenta Bloody Mary. The placenta in the placenta Bloody Mary will be the perfect complement to the placenta in the placenta fondue.

9. Dry it out, slap a couple pieces of leather on the outside of it, and now you can spank your kid with his own placenta. "If you say that one more time, so help me God, I will get out your placenta and smack you into next week." This becomes even more "fun" when you have several kids because then they pick their placenta – a refreshing modern take on "pick your switch."

8. Can it and sell it under the name "Soylent Green."

7. Dry it out and turn it into a clock you can hang on the living room wall. That way, no matter what time it is, it's always Placenta Time.

6. Invite the other new area moms to the park one afternoon for a good old-fashioned placenta discus throwing contest. Winner takes all – all the placenta, that is.

5. If you think eating it is gross or crushing it into a powder and then popping placenta pills isn't for you, then might I suggest a placenta suppository.

4. The ol' placenta-in-the-face gag is always good for a laugh.

3. Rob a convenience store. What convenience store clerk in his right mind is going to risk getting a placenta chucked at him? It's just not worth it. With the money you steal, you can pay for that trip to the moon, where you will be playing tennis with Don Cornelius, you psycho.

2. Start a new reality show: Placenta Factor. "Well Mary Jo, placenta is definitely not a factor for you" – her face covered in chunks of her child's afterbirth. Joe Rogan then turns away and pukes all over the place.

1. Nothing. Because it's fucking placenta.