Retro Video of the Week: "Rock Soldiers" by Frehley's Comet

I share a special bond with Ace Frehley.  Having dressed up as him on one legendary occasion, I experienced a smidgen of what it must be like to be a rock star, or so I have been told.  Thus, it is with a heavy heart that I report to you, fair readers, that Ace Frehley's suburban New York home is being foreclosed on.  I thought of a few Ace- and KISS-related puns –- Ace has fallen on hard times; this shocked me; I hope Ace doesn't hit rock bottom; for Ace, a recovering alcoholic, I hope this doesn't mean it's cold gin time again; rip it out, take my art (assuming he has art that he would sell to bring his loan current); foreclosed borrowers can sometimes be destructive, so any prospective buyers should beware of fractured mirrors; I hope he can get back on his feet, or should I say back in a New York groove? –- but nothing very good and most are too obscure for the casual fan.  Instead, I will simply say that if he needs a place to crash, he should let me know.  He can stay as long as he wants.  I won't consider him a parasite.  He's got nothin' to lose.  And I will honor him with this week's Retro Video of the Week, which is the song "Rock Soldiers" off of the first album from Ace's solo band (if that's not an oxymoron), Frehley's Comet.

Updated Big Ten Tournament Seeding Predictions

Well, the Hoosiers aren't going to do things the easy way, are they?  Their loss to Minnesota last night makes the Big Ten race more interesting, but IU still controls its own destiny.  You gotta hand it to Tom Crean, though.  This is all part of an ingenious plan to make the Big Ten look better and get more Big Ten teams into the NCAA tournament.  Think about it.  When IU lost to Wisconsin on January 15, Wisconsin was unranked.  Since then, the Badgers have continued their winning ways and catapulted to a #17 ranking.  When IU lost to Illinois on February 7, Illinois was reeling, having lost 7 of its first 9 Big Ten games and fallen from a #10 ranking to well out of the Top 25.  Including the win over IU, Illinois has won 6 of 7 and has played its way back into the NCAA tournament.  As for last night, Minnesota had once been ranked in the Top 10, but was sitting at a 6-8 conference record and on the bubble for the NCAA tournament.  The win puts them at 7-8 in the conference, with three winnable games remaining.  With a quality win like this, the Golden Gophers should propel themselves from the bubble into a tournament lock.  Tom Crean, you magnificent bastard.  Now don't let it happen again.

Thankfully, James Naismith, Branch McCracken, Phog Allen, Hank Iba, and Hank Gathers –- the basketball gods -– made things right by giving Penn State, a team that had lost 14 in a row, the strength to defeat Michigan, thus immensely helping IU's chances of an outright Big Ten title.

Here are the current standings, with the conference record, each team's remaining games, and my predictions:

1.  Indiana (12-3):  Iowa (W), OSU (W), at Michigan (L)

2 (tie).  Michigan State (11-4):  at Michigan (L), Wisconsin (W), NW (W)

2 (tie).  Wisconsin (11-4):  Purdue (W), at MSU (L), at PSU (W)

4 (tie).  Michigan (10-5):   MSU (W), at Purdue (W), IU (W)

4 (tie).  Ohio State (10-5):  at NW (W), at IU (L), Illinois (W)

6 (tie).  Illinois (7-8):  Nebraska (W), at Iowa (W), at OSU (L)

6 (tie).  Minnesota (7-8):  PSU (W), at Nebraska (W), at Purdue (W)

7 (tie).  Iowa (6-8):  Purdue (W), at IU (L), Illinois (L), Nebraska (W)

7 (tie).  Purdue (6-8):  at Iowa (L), at Wisconsin (L), Michigan (L), Minnesota (L)

10 (tie).  Northwestern (4-11):  OSU (L), PSU (W), at MSU (L)

10 (tie).  Nebraska (4-11):  at Illinois (L), Minnesota (L), at Iowa (L)

12.  Penn State (1-14):  at Minnesota (L), at NW (L), Wisconsin (L)

Given my predictions and Big Ten tiebreaking rules, here is how the Big Ten Tournament seeds should fall into place and how the Big Ten Tournament will play out (all times are Central):

1.  Indiana (14-4) (would have tiebreaker based on better record vs. MSU than Michigan)

2.  Michigan State (13-5) (would have tiebreaker based on 3-1 combined record vs. Wisconsin and Michigan)

3.  Wisconsin (13-5) (would have tiebreaker over Michigan, even though both teams would be 1-2 vs. other two teams because Wisconsin has better record vs. Indiana)

4.  Michigan (13-5)

5.  Ohio State (12-6)

6.  Minnesota (10-8)

7.  Illinois (9-9)

8.  Iowa (8-10)

9.  Purdue (6-12)

10.  Northwestern (5-13)

11.  Nebraska (4-14)

12.  Penn State (1-17)

Thursday, March 14, 2013

(8) Iowa vs. (9) Purdue (11 a.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Iowa

(5) Ohio State vs. (12) Penn State (1:30 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Ohio State

(7) Illinois vs. (10) Northwestern (5:30 p.m., ESPN2).  Projected winner:  Illinois

(6) Minnesota vs. (11) Nebraska (8 p.m., ESPN2).  Projected winner:  Minnesota

Friday, March 15, 2013

(1) IU vs. (8) Iowa (11 a.m., ESPN).  Projected winner:  IU

(4) Michigan vs. (5) Ohio State (1:30 p.m., ESPN).  Projected winner:  Michigan

(2) Michigan State vs. (7) Illinois (5:30 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Michigan State

(3) Wisconsin vs. (6) Minnesota (8 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Wisconsin

Saturday, March 16, 2013

(1) IU vs. (4) Michigan (12:40 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  IU

(2) Michigan State vs. (3) Wisconsin (3 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  Michigan State

Sunday, March 17, 2013

(1) IU vs. (2) Michigan State (2:30 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  IU

Tuesday Top Ten: Favorite Beer Names

I love beer.  I also love the fact that many craft brewers come up with awesome names for their beers.  Tron sent me a link to an article from Alehead.com listing the 100 best beer names, which was apparently a follow-up to an article they did a few years ago listing the top 50 beer names.  There are some pretty solid names on both lists.  Some of my favorites are The Dude's Oat Soda (if you don't get it, obviously you're not a golfer), Smell the Glove, Badonk-A-Dunkel, Wizard Sleeve, Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right BA Select, Citra Ass Down!, Another Caucasian Gary (would you take it easy), and Carl Weathers as Dillon in Predator Imperial Cascadian Dark Ale.

Here are my top ten favorite beer names.  I'm limiting these to beers that I have actually consumed myself, 'cause I don't want Caufield to accuse me of being a phony.  These are in no particular order, except inverse numeric.

Honorable mention:  Brother Thelonius (North Coast); Dirty Bastard (Founders); Old Rasputin (North Coast); Pastrami On Rye (Pipeworks); Wells Bombardier (Wells & Young)

10.  Robert the Bruce (Three Floyds)
This one fights like a warrior poet, in the year of our Lord thirteen fourteen.

9.  Skull Splitter (Orkney)
Beer Advocate gives it a 91 out of 100.  One reviewer described it as having a "[s]harp, boozy aroma with light raisin and toffee notes."  So yeah, it gets you fucked up.

8.  Scotty Karate (Dark Horse)

Rhyming can be fun, especially when it involves a Scotch ale.  Yes, I realize that didn't rhyme.

7.  Doppelrock (Great Lakes)

You see, it's a doppelbock from Cleveland, the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

6.  Velvet Merlin (Firestone Walker)
I just had this for the first time a couple weeks ago, and it's fantastic, if you're into oatmeal stouts named after wizards who drape themselves in velvet.

5.  Old Speckled Hen (Morland)
This is a great English ale with a great name.

4.  Optimator (Spaten)
It just sounds so damn intimidating.  And so damn German.

3.  Bad Elmer Porter (Upland)
After their fantastic wheat beer, this is my favorite from Bloomington's own Upland Brewery.

2.  Dragon's Milk (New Holland)
It's funny because dragons don't have tits.  But if they did, those tits would produce 10% ABV ale aged in oak barrels that bloggers drink while watching their alma mater shit the bed against an inferior Minnesota team.

1.  Arrogant Bastard (Stone)
How can you top this?  You can't.  And it'll make sure you know that.

And what of you, dear reader?  What are your favorite beer names?

Midwestern Eavesdropping

On NBC 5 Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Updated Big Ten Tournament Seeding Predictions

Thus far, my predictions are holding true, due in large part to the fact I invented a time machine, went back to 16th Century France, and kidnapped Nostradamus.  That guy is like over 90% predicting Big Ten regular season games.  Only five teams are still eligible to win a share of the Big Ten title:  IU, Michigan State, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Ohio State.  Michigan State's loss at Ohio State gives IU at least a two-game lead on everyone else in the Big Ten, as the Hoosiers look to clinch their first outright Big Ten title since 1993.  There are some big games this week, with IU traveling to Minnesota tomorrow night (7 ET, ESPN) and Michigan State traveling to Ann Arbor Sunday (4 ET, CBS).  If the Hoosiers can beat the Gophers tomorrow and then beat Iowa on Saturday, they will clinch at least a share of the regular season crown.

Here are the current standings, with the conference record, each team's remaining games, and my predictions:

1.  Indiana (12-2):  at Minnesota (W), Iowa (W), OSU (W), at Michigan (L)

2.  Michigan State (11-4):  at Michigan (L), Wisconsin (W), NW (W)

3 (tie).  Wisconsin (10-4):  Nebraska (W), Purdue (W), at MSU (L), at PSU (W)

3 (tie).  Michigan (10-4):  at PSU (W), MSU (W), at Purdue (W), IU (W)

5.  Ohio State (10-5):  at NW (W), at IU (L), Illinois (W)

6.  Illinois (7-8):  Nebraska (W), at Iowa (W), at OSU (L)

7 (tie).  Minnesota (6-8):  IU (L), PSU (W), at Nebraska (W), at Purdue (W)

7 (tie).  Iowa (6-8):  Purdue (W), at IU (L), Illinois (L), Nebraska (W)

7 (tie).  Purdue (6-8):  at Iowa (L), at Wisconsin (L), Michigan (L), Minnesota (L)

10.  Northwestern (4-11):  OSU (L), PSU (W), at MSU (L)

11.  Nebraska (4-10):  at Wisconsin (L), at Illinois (L), Minnesota (L), at Iowa (L)

12.  Penn State (0-14):  Michigan (L), at Minnesota (L), at NW (L), Wisconsin (L)

Given my predictions and Big Ten tiebreaking rules, here is how the Big Ten Tournament seeds should fall into place and how the Big Ten Tournament will play out (all times are Central):

1.  Indiana (15-3)

2.  Michigan (14-4)

3.  Michigan State (13-5) (would have tiebreaker based on 2-0 record vs. Wisconsin)

4.  Wisconsin (13-5)

5.  Ohio State (12-6)

6.  Illinois (9-9) (would have tiebreaker over Minnesota based on better record vs. IU than Minnesota)

7.  Minnesota (9-9)

8.  Iowa (8-10)

9.  Purdue (6-12)

10.  Northwestern (5-13)

11.  Nebraska (4-14)

12.  Penn State (0-18)

Thursday, March 14, 2013

(8) Iowa vs. (9) Purdue (11 a.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Iowa

(5) Ohio State vs. (12) Penn State (1:30 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Ohio State

(7) Minnesota vs. (10) Northwestern (5:30 p.m., ESPN2).  Projected winner:  Minnesota

(6) Illinois vs. (11) Nebraska (8 p.m., ESPN2).  Projected winner:  Illinois

Friday, March 15, 2013

(1) IU vs. (8) Iowa (11 a.m., ESPN).  Projected winner:  IU

(4) Wisconsin vs. (5) Ohio State (1:30 p.m., ESPN).  Projected winner:  Ohio State

(2) Michigan vs. (7) Minnesota (5:30 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Michigan

(3) Michigan State vs. (6) Illinois (8 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Michigan State

Saturday, March 16, 2013

(1) IU vs. (5) Ohio State (12:40 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  IU

(2) Michigan vs. (3) Michigan State (3 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  Michigan State

Sunday, March 17, 2013

(1) IU vs. (3) Michigan State (2:30 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  IU

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Obese 50-something woman while sitting at a swim-up bar: "When I stopped drinking Bacardi, 200 Puerto Ricans lost their jobs."
--Cancun, Mexico
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Range Rovers Being Range Rovers

Here's a link to a story out of Vegas about a Range Rover that was shooting at other cars and caused a huge accident, killing two.  Presumably, the drivers of these other cars had the gall not to yield both lanes of traffic to the Range Rover, or maybe they were stupid enough to come to a full stop at a red light or stop sign.  Regardless, this just continues to prove my theory that everyone who drives a Range Rover is a gigantic asshole with a crippling inferiority complex.

Retro Video of the Week: "I Saw Red" by Warrant

In honor of IU's big win last night.

Updated Big Ten Tournament Seeding Predictions

After the Hoosiers' unexpected win last night over the Spartans, my Big Ten Tournament seeding predictions have changed a bit.  I will try to update these after every day or two of games, since I know you all care.  Here are the current standings, with the conference record, each team's remaining games, and my predictions:

1.  Indiana (12-2):  at Minn (W), Iowa (W), OSU (W), at Michigan (L)

2.  Michigan State (11-3):  at OSU (L), at Michigan (L), Wisconsin (W), NW (W)

3 (tie).  Wisconsin (9-4):  at NW (W), Nebraska (W), Purdue (W), at MSU (L), at PSU (W)

3 (tie).  Michigan (9-4):  Illinois (W), at PSU (W), MSU (W), at Purdue (W), IU (W)

5.  Ohio State (8-5):  Minnesota (W), MSU (W), at NW (W), at IU (L), Illinois (W)

6 (tie).  Minnesota (6-7):  at OSU (L), IU (L), PSU (W), at Nebraska (W), at Purdue (W)

6 (tie).  Illinois (6-7):  PSU (W), at Michigan (L), Nebraska (W), at Iowa (W), at OSU (L)

6 (tie).  Iowa (6-7):  at Nebraska (L), Purdue (W), at IU (L), Illinois (L), Nebraska (W)

9.  Purdue (5-8):  NW (W), at Iowa (L), at Wisconsin (L), Michigan (L), Minnesota (L)

10.  Northwestern (4-9):  Wisconsin (L), at Purdue (L), OSU (L), PSU (W), at MSU (L)

11.  Nebraska (3-10):  Iowa (W), at Wisconsin (L), at Illinois (L), Minnesota (L), at Iowa (L)

12.  Penn State (0-13):  at Illinois (L), Michigan (L), at Minnesota (L), at NW (L), Wisconsin (L)

Given my predictions and Big Ten tiebreaking rules, here is how the Big Ten Tournament seeds should fall into place and how the Big Ten Tournament will play out (all times are Central):

1.  Indiana (15-3)

2.  Michigan (14-4)

3.  Michigan State (13-5) (would have tiebreaker based on 2-0 record vs. Wisconsin)

4.  Wisconsin (13-5)

5.  Ohio State (12-6)

6.  Minnesota (10-8)

7.  Illinois (9-9)

8.  Iowa (8-10)

9.  Purdue (6-12)

10.  Northwestern (5-13)

11.  Nebraska (4-14)

12.  Penn State (0-18)

Thursday, March 14, 2013

(8) Iowa vs. (9) Purdue (11 a.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Iowa
(5) Ohio State vs. (12) Penn State (1:30 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Ohio State
(7) Illinois vs. (10) Northwestern (5:30 p.m., ESPN2).  Projected winner:  Illinois
(6) Minnesota vs. (11) Nebraska (8 p.m., ESPN2).  Projected winner:  Minnesota

Friday, March 15, 2013

(1) IU vs. (8) Iowa (11 a.m., ESPN).  Projected winner:  IU
(4) Wisconsin vs. (5) Ohio State (1:30 p.m., ESPN).  Projected winner:  Ohio State
(2) Michigan vs. (7) Illinois (5:30 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Michigan
(3) Michigan State vs. (6) Minnesota (8 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Michigan State

Saturday, March 16, 2013

(1) IU vs. (5) Ohio State (12:40 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  IU
(2) Michigan vs. (3) Michigan State (3 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  Michigan State

Sunday, March 17, 2013

(1) IU vs. (3) Michigan State (2:30 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  IU

Get Your Sword On

Well, kiss my grits.  After the Hoosiers' first win in East Lansing since I was in 7th grade, I'm on way too much of an adrenaline (and mescaline) high to write a Tuesday Top Ten this week.  Rest assured, I'm now blaring the Full Metal Jacket Sonic Tap station on my TV, much to my children's dismay.  I just don't understand why kids can't learn to sleep through Sepultura.  I can.  Anyway, to fill your void, DBH sent me a link to something we should all think about getting:  Chinese war swords.  I already have a samurai sword, so I'm set in the sword department, but for those of you looking for something to cut through very thick rope and multiple pigs' faces, this might be for you.  This video is fantastic for many reasons, not the least of which is that the mustachioed guy is a dead ringer for my grade school principal, and he apparently doesn't believe you need to dress down to slice shit up.  It also might be David Crosby.  My question is:  why do you need to to put raw meat in a boot?  Enjoy.

Big Ten Tournament Seeding Predictions

With less than two weeks until March and the concomitant madness, it's about time for my yearly attempt to predict the seeding for the Big Ten Tournament, which should feature 3 or 4 teams ranked in the Top 10 and has the potential to be the best conference tournament this year.  So far this year, there have already been six Big Ten conference games where both teams were ranked in the Top Ten:

1.  1/12 - #5 IU vs. #8 Minnesota

2.  1/17 - #9 Minnesota vs. #5 Michigan

3.  2/2 - #3 IU vs. #1 Michigan

4.  2/5 - #3 Michigan vs. #10 OSU

5.  2/10 - #10 OSU vs. #1 IU

6.  2/12 - #4 Michigan vs. #8 MSU

The next "biggest game of the year" in the Big Ten is tomorrow night, with the #1 Hoosiers traveling to East Lansing for a date with the #4 Spartans.  Of course, IU hasn't won there since the first Bush Administration, so I have some trepidation.  That said, a win would put the Hoosiers in the driver's seat for an outright Big Ten title.

I'll try to update the projections the next two Mondays, if not more often. It'll be sometimes cathartic and often sexually confusing.

Here are the current standings, with the conference record, each team's remaining games, and my predictions:

1 (tie).  Indiana (11-2):  at MSU (L), at Minn (W), Iowa (W), OSU (W), at Michigan (L)

1 (tie).  Michigan State (11-2):  IU (W), at OSU (L), at Michigan (L), Wisconsin (W), NW (W)

3.  Wisconsin (9-4):  at NW (W), Nebraska (W), Purdue (W), at MSU (L), at PSU (W)

4.  Michigan (9-4):  Illinois (W), at PSU (W), MSU (W), at Purdue (W), IU (W)

5.  Ohio State (8-5):  Minnesota (W), MSU (W), at NW (W), at IU (L), Illinois (W)

6 (tie).  Minnesota (6-7):  at OSU (L), IU (L), PSU (W), at Nebraska (W), at Purdue (W)

6 (tie).  Illinois (6-7):  PSU (W), at Michigan (L), Nebraska (W), at Iowa (W), at OSU (L)

6 (tie).  Iowa (6-7):  at Nebraska (L), Purdue (W), at IU (L), Illinois (L), Nebraska (W)

9.  Purdue (5-8):  NW (W), at Iowa (L), at Wisconsin (L), Michigan (L), Minnesota (L)

10.  Northwestern (4-9):  Wisconsin (L), at Purdue (L), OSU (L), PSU (W), at MSU (L)

11.  Nebraska (3-10):  Iowa (W), at Wisconsin (L), at Illinois (L), Minnesota (L), at Iowa (L)

12.  Penn State (0-13):  at Illinois (L), Michigan (L), at Minnesota (L), at NW (L), Wisconsin (L)

Given my predictions and Big Ten tiebreaking rules, here is how the Big Ten Tournament seeds should fall into place and how the Big Ten Tournament will play out (all times are Central):

1.  Michigan State (14-4) (MSU, IU, and Michigan will all have 1-1 records vs. each other.  MSU will have the tiebreaker over the other two based on a 2-0 vs. Wisconsin, while both IU and Michigan are both 0-1 vs. Wisconsin)

2.  Indiana (14-4) (IU will have the tiebreaker over Michigan based on a 2-0 record vs. OSU, while Michigan has a 1-1 record vs. OSU)

3.  Michigan (14-4)

4.  Wisconsin (13-5)

5.  Ohio State (12-6)

6.  Minnesota (10-8)

7.  Illinois (9-9)

8.  Iowa (8-10)

9.  Purdue (6-12)

10.  Northwestern (5-13)

11.  Nebraska (4-14)

12.  Penn State (0-18)

Thursday March 14

(8) Iowa vs. (9) Purdue (11 a.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Iowa

(5) Ohio State vs. (12) Penn State (1:30 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Ohio State

(7) Illinois vs. (10) Northwestern (5:30 p.m., ESPN2).  Projected winner:  Illinois

(6) Minnesota vs. (11) Nebraska (8 p.m., ESPN2).  Projected winner:  Minnesota

Friday March 15

(1) Michigan State vs. (8) Iowa (11 a.m., ESPN).  Projected winner:  Michigan State

(4) Wisconsin vs. (5) Ohio State (1:30 p.m., ESPN).  Projected winner:  Ohio State

(2) IU vs. (7) Illinois (5:30 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  IU

(3) Michigan vs. (6) Minnesota (8 p.m., BTN).  Projected winner:  Michigan

Saturday March 16

(1) Michigan State vs. (5) Ohio State (12:40 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  Michigan State

(2) IU vs. (3) Michigan (3 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  IU

Sunday March 17

(1) Michigan State vs. (2) IU (2:30 p.m., CBS).  Projected winner:  IU

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 2/15/13

The Fuckout

It's a fact:  people hate working out.  The only reason anyone has ever worked out in the history of mankind is to be more appealing to the opposite sex (or the same sex, not that there's anything wrong with that), to increase the chances of having sexual intercourse.

What if I told you there was a fitness plan that allowed you to burn calories without stepping into a gym, running, or lifting a weight?  You'd say, "That's impossible, GMYH." 

And what if I told you there was a fitness plan that contained no dietary restrictions?  You'd say, "Come on, GMYH, you're pulling my leg."  And what if I told you that there was a fitness plan that would guarantee you have more sex.  You'd say, "Seriously GMYH, get the fuck out."  Exactly.

Introducing the Fuckout®, a revolutionary new fitness plan that gets you in shape by doing nothing more than the thing you most want to do: it.  Why get a workout when you can get the Fuckout?

Tired of waking up early to workout?  Get the Fuckout.

Sick of waiting to use the abductor/adductor machine at the gym?  Get the Fuckout.

Can't afford those costly gym memberships?  Get the Fuckout.

Haven't been having enough sex lately?  Tell your partner to get the Fuckout.

"Hold on a minute.  Are you telling me I can have sex instead of working out?"  Yes.

"But how does the Fuckout benefit my health?"  You rarely see a fat prostitute, and there's a reason for that.  30 minutes of sex burns at least 85 calories, and much more depending on your position, amount and intensity of foreplay, the vigor with which you thrust or bounce, and/or level of freakiness.  And burning calories isn't the only benefit of taking the skin boat to Tuna Town. According to a WebMD article:

-People who have sex are less stressed and can better handle stress.

-More sex means lower blood pressure and better immunity (unless you have HIV, in which case, I beg you not to get the Fuckout).

-Sex reduces the risk of heart attacks, strokes, and prostate cancer.

-Sex boosts self-esteem.

-Sex improves intimacy.  Couples that play together stay together.  And by "play," I mean "get the Fuckout."

-Sex reduces pain (unless you're into that, of course).

-Sex strengthens pelvic floor muscles in women.

-Sex helps you sleep better.

"Whoa whoa whoa.  I don't understand all of that medical mumbo jumbo.  Plain English, please."  Everyone loves to have sex, sex makes people happy, sex makes you thinner, and sex prevents death.

"But if I run or lift weights, I may burn 200-300 calories in 30 minutes.  That's 600-900 calories burned if I workout three times a week.  So why would I want to get the Fuckout if I have to have sex 7-10 times a week to burn the same number of -- nevermind.  As I was asking that question, I realized how stupid it sounded."  That's right, it did sound stupid.  Would you rather workout three times a week or have sex everyday?  No contest.

"What if I'm not good at sex?"  I want to let you in on a little secret, and it may shock you.  Nobody is good at sex.  In fact, a recent study showed that there are only four people in the world who are truly good at sex, and all of them live in the San Fernando Valley and/or have full-blown AIDS.  But the Fuckout is like any exercise routine. The more you do it, the better you become, the longer you last, and the more calories you burn.

"When can I get the Fuckout?"  There is no bad time of day to do it.  You can get the Fuckout morning, noon, or night.

"What if I like working out?  Can I still get the Fuckout?"  First, let me just say I think you're weird.  Second, the beauty about the Fuckout is its flexibility.  You can use it as a stand-alone plan, or you can use it to supplement your current workout routine.  I've even seen videos where particularly ambitious couples do both at the same time.

"Where can I get the Fuckout?"  You can get the Fuckout anywhere:  at home, at the office, in a motor lodge, on a plane, in a car, on a boat, in a field, in the men's room at The Aragon, in the butt.

"Can I drink alcohol and get the Fuckout?"  Absolutely.  If anything, the Fuckout becomes more effective with alcohol because alcohol often prolongs the Fuckout.  Of course, if you drink too much alcohol, you may experience what doctors call "whiskey dick" or, in women, "wine vagina," which negatively affects your ability to effectively engage in any sexual activities.

"How much does it cost?"  Absolutely nothing.  You can get the Fuckout for free.  (Note:  While getting the Fuckout does not cost anything, if you fail to use effective methods of birth control or fail to have safe sex, it may end up costing you several hundred thousand dollars and your livelihood.)

"Are you a doctor?"  Shit no.  I'm just a guy who likes having sex.

"I'm pregnant.  Can I get the Fuckout?"  Sounds like you already did!  All kidding aside, you can have sex well into your third trimester.  In fact, there's an old wives' tale that having sex can induce labor, so if you're a few days overdue, tell your husband, live-in boyfriend, or paramour that it may be time to get the Fuckout.

"I don't want to get pregnant.  Is the Fuckout right for me?"  Of course it is.  All you have to do is use one or more of any number of birth control options available at your local pharmacy.  Or, if you're really committed, you can get your tubes tied and get the Fuckout the rest of your life with no consequences (aside from the occasional venereal disease, of course).

"How can I get the Fuckout?"  That's the beauty about the Fuckout.  There is nothing to buy and no equipment to use (unless you're into that).  In fact, you don't even need clothes to get the Fuckout.  All you need is a willing, preferably disease-free sexual partner who is at or above the age of consent in your jurisdiction.

So there you have it.  Now, instead of working out to increase your chances of having sex, all you have to do is have more sex to increase your chances of having sex.  Forget that gym, those weights, and those treadmills and ellipticals.  What are you waiting for?  Get the Fuckout tonight to ensure you have a Happy Valentine's Day.

Retro Video of the Week: "Love Stinks" by J. Geils Band

Following up on yesterday's post, and in honor of Valentine's Day tomorrow, I present to you the only video I have ever seen with a man playing two trumpets while riding a pogo stick.  And because I love you, I'll just go ahead and include the scene from The Wedding Singer with this song.  Julia Gulia! That's funny.

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Three-year-old girl discussing animals with her mother: "Mama, gorillas have boobs too. Big ones."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: Jesterio the Mangificent

Tuesday Top Ten: "Love" Songs

Valentine's Day is Thursday.  Get ready for it, guys.  I'm lucky because my wife thinks Valentine's Day is a crock of shit –- which it is, unless you are in the greeting card, chocolate, jewelry, flower, edible underwear, or overly priced prix fixe menu business.  We don't go to dinner or do anything special, and she doesn't expect me to get her anything.  Don't get me wrong, I still get her flowers every year.  I'm not a total moron.

Following up on the wild success of my post two years ago with the top ten songs with "sex" in the title, here are my top ten songs with the word "love" in the title.  Unlike the "sex" post, I am not including variations of the word, so there will be no songs with "lover," "loves," "loved," "lovely," "loving," "lovin'," "lovefool," or "stanklove" in the title –- only "love."  Even with that limitation, this proved to be a daunting task.  As I went through my music collection and the horrifying depths of my mind, I kept coming across more and more great songs with "love" in the title.  I wouldn't say I –- wait for it –- loved it, ah-thank you.  In fact, there were so many songs, that I couldn't, in good conscience, just have one list.  Instead, for your benefit, I broke it down by my top ten per decade, and then included my all-time top ten, with an embedded mix tape of those songs, so you can play it while you're knockin' boots Thursday night.

These are in alphabetical order by artist.  Bear in mind that these selections are based entirely on my subjective opinion.  Suck it, Bee Gees!

Beginning of time until December 31, 1959

1.  "For Your Precious Love" by Jerry Butler & The Impressions

2.  "Who Do You Love?" by Bo Diddley

3.  "Teenager in Love" by Dion & The Belmonts

4.  "Bye Bye Love" by The Everly Brothers

5.  "Words of Love" by Buddy Holly & The Crickets

6.  "Love in Vain Blues" by Robert Johnson

7.  "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?" by Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers

8.  "I Want You, I Need You, I Love You" by Elvis Presley

9.  "Somebody to Love Me" by Snooky Pryor

10.  "I Just Want to Make Love to You" by Muddy Waters

Honorable Mention:  "Please Send Me Somebody To Love" by Percy Mayfield

1960s

1.  "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" by The Beatles

2.  "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love" by Solomon Burke

3.  "Do You Love Me" by The Contours

4.  "Sunshine of Your Love" by Cream

5.  "The Girl I Love She Got Long Black Wavy Hair" by Led Zeppelin

6.  "Whole Lotta Love" by Led Zeppelin

7.  "That's How Strong My Love Is" by Otis Redding

8.  "Baby, I Love You" by The Ronettes

9.  "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield

10.  "Baby, Where Did Our Love Go?" by The Supremes

Honorable Mention:  "Never Learn Not to Love" by The Beach Boys (co-written by Charles Manson!); "P.S. I Love You" by The Beatles; "Can't Buy Me Love" by The Beatles; "All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles; "Nothing Can Change This Love" by Sam Cooke; "Hello, I Love You" by The Doors; "Love Me Two Times" by The Doors; "The Game of Love" by Wayne Fontana & The Mindbenders; "Your Precious Love" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell; "Turn On Your Love Light" by Grateful Dead; "Bold As Love" by The Jimi Hendrix Experience; "Love or Confusion" by The Jimi Hendrix Experience; "Somebody to Love" by Jefferson Airplane; "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Elvis Presley; "Wholesale Love" by Otis Redding; "Stop! In the Name of Love" by The Supremes; "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me" by The Supremes and The Temptations; "Love Is All Around" by The Troggs; "You Need Love" by Muddy Waters; "(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher by Jackie Wilson; "For Your Love" by The Yardbirds

1970s

1. "You Don't Love Me" by The Allman Brothers Band

2.  "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company

3.  "Love Her Madly" by The Doors

4.  "Radar Love" by Golden Earring

5.  "Love and Happiness" by Al Green

6.  "Don't Pull Your Love" by Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds

7.  "Calling Dr. Love" by KISS

8.  "Somebody to Love" by Queen

9.  "Today Your Love, Tomorrow The World" by The Ramones

10.  "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" by Van Halen

Honorable Mention:  "Love Hungry Man" by AC/DC; "Soul Love" by David Bowie; "Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've)" by The Buzzcocks; "Say You Love Me" by Fleetwood Mac; "I'm Still in Love With You" by Al Green; "The Love You Save" by The Jackson 5; "Love Gun" by KISS; "I'm in Need of Love" by KISS; "One Love/People Get Ready" by Bob Marley & The Wailers; "Crazy Love" by Van Morrison; "Love Hurts" by Nazareth; "Burning Love" by Elvis Presley; "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen; "Love The One You're With" by Stephen Stills; "Still In Love With You" by Thin Lizzy; "Who Do You Love?" by George Thorogood & The Destroyers; "Feel Your Love Tonight" by Van Halen; "Outta Love Again" by Van Halen; "Satellite of Love" by The Velvet Underground

1980s

1.  "You Give Love a Band Name" by Bon Jovi

2.  "Too Late For Love" by Def Leppard

3.  "Love Stinks" by J. Geils Band

4.  "Used to Love Her" by Guns N' Roses

5.  "What About Love" by Heart

6.  "I Love Rock and Roll" by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts

7.  "The Power of Love" by Huey Lewis & The News

8.  "Bizarre Love Triangle" by New Order

9.  "Your Love" by The Outfield

10.  "Love Song" by Tesla

Honorable Mention:  "Let Me Put My Love Into You" by AC/DC; "Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith; "Makin' Love Out of Nothing At All" by Air Supply; "School Love" by Anvil; "Love Is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar; "Modern Love" by David Bowie; "If You Want My Love" by Cheap Trick; "Love Bites" by Def Leppard; "Sucking My Love" by Diamond Head; "I Love It Loud" by KISS; "Think I'm in Love" by Eddie Money; "Too Fast for Love" by Mötley Crüe; "Ten Seconds to Love" by Mötley Crüe; "Too Young to Fall in Love" by Mötley Crüe; "Love Me Like a Reptile" by Motörhead; "Message of Love" by The Pretenders; "Rhythm of Love" by Scorpions; "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell; "So This Is Love?" by Van Halen; "When It's Love" by Van Halen; "Why Can't This Be Love?" by Van Halen; "Is This Love" by Whitesnake

1990s

1.  "California Love" by 2Pac feat. Dr. Dre and Roger Troutman

2.  "Real Love" by The Beatles

3.  "Friday I'm in Love" by The Cure

4.  "Now That We Found Love" by Heavy D & The Boyz

5.  "Cradle of Love" by Billy Idol

6.  "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" by Meat Loaf

7.  "Evil Love" by Meat Puppets

8.  "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" by Nelson

9.  "State of Love and Trust" by Pearl Jam

10.  "Interstate Love Song" by Stone Temple Pilots

Honorable Mention:  "Where Is the Love" by Hansen; "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston; "Love in Stereo" by Warrant

2000 to present

1.  "Hate It Or Love It" by The Game feat. 50 Cent

2.  "People In Love" by Art Brut

3.  "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness

4.  "Everyday I Love You Less and Less" by Kaiser Chiefs

5.  "I Need More Love" by Robert Randolph & The Family Band

6.  "So This Is Love" by Runner & The Thermodynamics

7.  "Red Light Love" by Those Darlins

8.  "Fell In Love With a Girl" by The White Stripes

9.  "A Martyr For My Love For You" by The White Stripes

10.  "Love Train" by Wolfmother

Honorable Mention:  "True Love Way" by Kings of Leon; "I Gotta Love" by Taddy Porter; "Garden of Our Love" by Township; "Love Explosion" by Weezer; "Love Interruption" by Jack White; "One Love, One Life, One Girl" by The Wildhearts; "Girls Own Love" by Andrew W.K.

All-Time Top Ten (alphabetical by artist)

This was pretty damn hard, so I'll throw in an honorable mention category and include those on the embedded mix tape.  Because I love you.

1.  "California Love" by 2Pac feat. Dr. Dre and Roger Troutman

This was recently named the #2 hip hop song of the '90s by VH1, and I think it probably could have been #1.  How can you go wrong with the collaboration of two of the greatest hip hop artists of all-time?  You can't.  You just fucking can't.  If you could see me right now, I would be throwing up two "west sides," which makes it incredibly difficult to type this.

2.  "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love" by Solomon Burke

It was a toss-up between this and "For Your Precious Love" by Jerry Butler & The Impressions, but I ultimately went with "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love" because it's more upbeat.  What a great early '60s soul song.  It makes you want to tap your feet.  And then your lady.  See what I did there?

3.  "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness

This is my favorite song from the last decade, and probably one of my top ten favorite songs of all-time.  I only ask that when you're making love to this song Thursday night –- platform boots kicked off, mascara smeared, silk sheets torn, hair in a tizzy, hastily removed unitards strewn messily about the room, socks still on –- think about me.  (I assume you wear unitards.)

4.  "Used to Love Her" by Guns N' Roses

This is probably one of my top five GNR songs.  It's a tongue-in-cheek, acoustic ditty about some whiny bitch (Axl's paraphrased words, not mine) who used to be loveable, but at some point became dead at the hands of the narrator, due in large part to the bitchiness.  Here's the kicker:  even though she's buried in his back yard, he can still hear her complain.  I think we can all relate.  Nonetheless, guys, this probably isn't a great song to play on Valentine's Day, unless you are, in fact, intending to send a musical message to your significant other that you plan to murder her.

5.  "Calling Dr. Love" by KISS

First, let's just appreciate the use of the cow bell.  Second, let's just appreciate the content:  a lothario explaining to a woman he would like to (and will) bed that she is helpless to the medicinal value of his kisses and/or dong.  Third, let's just appreciate there was an administrator at my high school named Dr. Love.  How everyone in the school did not know this song and sing it to him constantly is beyond me.  And let's not let the school secretary slide either.  Every time she grabbed that PA mic and paged Dr. Love, she should have just played this song.  These are the things I regret in life.

6.  "The Power of Love" by Huey Lewis & The News

This is one of those songs that immediately takes me back to the mid '80s and makes me think of Back to the Future.  Lewis has an underrated rock voice, and this song is probably the band's best, in my opinion.

7.  "Your Love" by The Outfield

"Your Love" has probably one of the greatest falsetto intros ever.  When it comes on, panties drop.  Well, mine do anyway.

8.  "Baby, I Love You" by The Ronettes

I get goosebumps every time I hear this song.  I'm not sure there's a better representation of Phil Spector's Wall of Sound that this one, with its blaring strings, wave of percussion, and Ronnie Spector's powerful vocals.  Crank it up in mono, and make love in stereo.  Yes, I just referenced a Warrant song during a discussion of a Ronettes song.

9.  "Love Song" by Tesla

"Love Song" is my favorite Tesla song.  It sneaks up on you with a slower acoustic intro, before kicking into the meat of the song at about the 1:30 mark with Jeff Keith's soulful opening line, "So you think that it's over /And your love has finally reached the end," and crescendoing into an optimistic take on love and its ability to find a way, specifically its way back to you.

10.  "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" by Van Halen

This is a crushing song off of the band's self-titled debut album.  The riff is unmistakable, raunchy, and fist-pump-inducing, and the song is three and a half minutes of awesome.  Of course, the riff was sampled by 2 Live Crew on its megahit "The Fuck Shop," which is apropos, given that what Van Halen wasn't talkin' 'bout was love, but rather making fuck.

Honorable Mention:  "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company; "For Your Precious Love" by Jerry Butler & The Impressions; "Do You Love Me" by The Contours; "Sunshine of Your Love" by Cream; "Love Stinks" by J. Geils Band; "Radar Love" by Golden Earring; "The Girl I Love She Got Long Black Wavy Hair" by Led Zeppelin; "Bizarre Love Triangle" by New Order; "Today Your Love, Tomorrow The World" by The Ramones; "A Martyr For My Love For You" by The White Stripes

Anything I'm missing?

Winners' History of Rock and Roll: Metallica

VH1 Classic has had some pretty solid programming this weekend.  I've seen Behind the Music Remastered on Anthrax, Poison, and Mötley Crüe, a few reruns of That Metal Show, and the edition of Metal Evolution about hair bands.  Now, as I'm sitting here watching the Grammys, I'm hard-pressed to see an electric guitar, and it makes me physically ill.  If you want to read about a real rock and roll band, check out Part 5 of Steven Hyden's excellent series on Grantland, The Winners' History of Rock and Roll:  Metallica.  Think about this for a second while Justin Timberlake sings in front of a big band.  Most people had never heard a Metallica song until the video for "Enter Sandman" was released in late summer 1991, a couple weeks before the game-changing self-titled album (aka, "The Black Album") was released and catapulted Metallica into the mainstream and superstardom.  Yet their two prior albums, which were straight-up thrash metal, were insanely successful considering there was a snowball's chance in hell you would hear a Metallica song on the radio. 1986's Master of Puppets went platinum and got up to #29 on the Billboard album charts without any radio play or videos.  1988's ...And Justice For All sold over a million copies within a year and got up to #6 on the Billboard charts, and "One" (the first Metallica song I ever heard) was a Top 40 song without being played on the radio.  That's incredible, and I'm not sure anything like that could happen today (or maybe ever again) with the internet, iTunes, and the corporate interconnectedness of radio stations and music labels.  Damn, I miss rock and roll.  Next week's band:  Nair Supply, a hairless tribute to the greatest half-Australian, half-English duo ever.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 2/8/13

Retro Video of the Week: "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar

So is the Big Ten, apparently.  Fucking Hoosiers.

Tuesday Top Ten: Highlights from Last Weekend

I wanted to post this yesterday, but I had a lunch date with Cliff Huxtable uptown, so I was busy.

When IU's basketball schedule came out in late August or early September, there was one date that immediately stood out.  February 2.  IU vs. Michigan in Bloomington.  It was a Saturday, Groundhog Day (my second-favorite pagan holiday), both teams were in the preseason Top 5, and ESPN's College GameDay was going to be there.  I began to spread the word to my friends that went to IU.  I even sent out an Evite.  We had to be in Btown that weekend, even if we didn't go to the game. 

By the time the game rolled around, it pitted the #3 Hoosiers against the #1 Wolverines.  It's been a long time since there was a regular season game this big for IU -- about twenty years, in fact.  After suffering through the lean last few years of Bob Knight's tenure, Knight's unceremonious exit, the once-successful Mike Davis years, and the fallout of the Kelvin Sampson debacle that led to the three worst seasons in IU basketball history, this is the kind of game that the ravenous IU basketball fan base could look to as the true sign that IU basketball is ready to reclaim its spot on college basketball's Mount Rushmore.  Needless to say, Bloomington was buzzing this weekend, as alumni flocked to town to grab a little piece of the resurgence, and maybe have a few beers while doing that.

Thankfully, the man who sired me owns a plot of land in Bloomington, containing a dwelling.  He has vacated the dwelling, but not yet sold it.  All that remains inside are a bed, a chair, a lamp, a bottle of Turkish alcohol, an axe, wood chips for smoking meat, and a few bottles of marinade and hot sauce dating back to the mid part of last decade.  It served as the perfect locale for a group of thirtysomethings to use as their makeshift crack house (minus the crack) for two nights.  A variety of American, German, Japanese, and Tongan cars filled a driveway that was once home to a little-used but overly revered 1982 Volkswagen Westfalia Vanogon.  Air mattresses, blankets, and used diaphragms littered the carpet in what used to be a living room where cats openly pooped in a box.  Half-eaten pizza and a sixer of Natty Light tall boys occupied a refrigerator that used to house all variety of meats, cheeses, and dogs' blood.

Joining me for the weekend were Gregerson (who went to Michigan, but was allowed to come anyway), his special ladyfriend Colleen, Tradd, Jamie, Yehday, Spawn, Goni, his special ladyfriend Valerie, and Scott and Katie.  If you don't know who these people are, that's your loss.  We tore it up this weekend, as only a bunch of people ten to fifteen years out of college do when they go back to the greatest college town on the face of the Earth:  with cautious abandon.

 

Most of us got into town Friday evening, with Jamie, Spawn, Goni, and Valerie getting in Saturday around Noon.  The weekend was a great success, mostly because no one in our group got stabbed with a sword.  None of us wanted to drop the insane amounts of money people were paying for tickets (the going rate for bad seats was at least $350, going up into quadruple digits for good seats), so we did the next best thing:  watched the game at Nick's, the greatest college bar in the world.

 

Here are the highlights of the weekend, essentially in chronological order, to the best of my recollection. 

10.  AMFs

No visit to Bloomington is complete without a trip to the Upstairs Pub and an AMF, a giant blue drink with a lot of booze that tastes like unicorn's milk, from what I remember.  Friday night, our first stop was Upstairs, and our first drink (aside from one of us) was an AMF.  It was the only point in the weekend where the phrase "go blue" was acceptable.

9.  Seeing a ton of guys from college that I hadn't seen in years

In addition to the people who stayed with me -- who I either see on a regular basis or at least once or twice a year -- there were a ton of other people in town for the game.  Friday night at Upstairs, there were about eight guys from my fraternity, some of whom I hadn't seen since 1997 or 1998.  It was awesome.  Saturday, I saw one of my old roommates outside Nick's, and then one of my pledge brothers and his wife (who went to the game) at Upstairs later in the night.  And this isn't even taking into account the seemingly dozens of others I wasn't able to see due to circumstances beyond their control (see #6 below).

8.  Going to ESPN's College GameDay in Assembly Hall

I have never been to GameDay, either the football or basketball version, so I was pretty excited that it was going to be in Assembly Hall.  It started at 10 a.m., and we got there around 9:45.  I would estimate that there were probably 6,000-8,000 people in the stands.  The first hour was more IU-centric, while the second hour had a broader, more national scope.  I loved that both Jay Bilas and Rece Davis wore IU's candy-striped warm-up pants over their suit pants, and that Jalen Rose (a member of Michigan's Fab Five, in case you are a moron) wore a candy-striped blazer, apparently the result of a lost bet with ESPN anchor Sage Steele (an IU grad).  Here's a shot of the festivities from our seats:

7.  Getting a table at Nick's Saturday

GameDay ended at Noon.  Tip off was at 9 p.m.  Thank Bob Knight that Scott and Katie went straight from GameDay to Nick's to grab tables, while the rest of us went back to my dad's place to pick up the people who were just getting into town.  Scott and Katie were as important to the success of the weekend as the IU basketball team because they were able to get a couple tables next to each other upstairs in the hold part of Nick's.  We arranged them in an "L" shape, to honor Lóðurr, the Norse god who animated the humans, for without him, we never would have made it there.  One might say we had an L of a time.  I wouldn't, but someone might.  And I even love puns.  Here are two shots of the table, one early in the day, one later.  And yes, I'm eating a salad.  Feel free to judge me.

 

6.  The resolve of IU fans

It was pretty cold in Bloomington on Saturday, probably a high in the low to mid 30s, and it was snowing off and on throughout the day.  Like I said, Scott and Katie (and their respective sisters, Beth and Cara) got to Nick's at about Noon.  The rest of our crew got there around 1:20, and there was already a line to get in.  We didn't get in the bar until about 2, which was essentially like winning the lottery.  As the day went on, the line got longer.  It was one in, one out.

About an hour or two before game time, one of Beth's friends got into Nick's.  To save her from embarrassment (since I assume everyone in the world reads this), I'll call her "Christie."  God bless her, when she arrived, tears were streaming down Christie's face.  I thought it was because she hadn't seen Beth in a while.  No, no.  You know how sometimes when you're in the cold for a while, you begin to tear up?  Well, Christie was in line at Nick's in the snow and cold for THREE HOURS.  Now that is dedication.  She was shivering for a good half hour as she thawed out.  Several of us were legitimately concerned that she had hypothermia, but the beers we fed her had a warming effect, even if not medically.  Even when we left Nick's after the game, there were still probably a hundred people in line.

5.  The fact that our first waitress at Nick's looked like a dead ringer for Sweet Dee from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

I clandestinely (or creepily, depending on how you look at it) snapped this picture of our waitress because her resemblance to Dee from It's Always Sunny is uncanny.  The picture doesn't even really do it justice.  After her shift, she drank with us.  Classic Dee!

4.  Celebrity sightings at Nick's

With such a big game, you knew some decently famous people (at least by Bloomington standards) would be in town.  And if there's one bar in town to go to for something like this, it's Nick's.  In the mid afternoon, former Hoosier point guard and 2002 South Regional MVP Tom Coverdale showed up.  Around 5 or so, I saw Dan Shulman, one half of the ESPN broadcasting crew who was calling the game, walking out of Nick's.  Oddly, he left alone.  You would think he would have some production assistants or handlers of some sort who would make sure he wasn't playing Sink the Bismarck or anything (or maybe they were there, but left after him or something).  And finally, the rumor of the day was that Blue Jays slugger Jose Bautista was at Nick's, although it was not confirmed because Nick's stopped letting people go between the old half and the new half, due to the number of people in the bar. 

3.  Watching a cocky recent grad get destroyed at Sink the Bismarck

In an effort to ensure that I would be able to stand during the game, I refused to play Sink the Bismarck -- a drinking game native to Nick's and my favorite of all of the bucket-based drinking games, but one that has been known to put people to bed early -- until an hour before game time.  Others were not as prescient. 

Around 4 or 5, some people started playing.  A little while later, another game started with some of the same people and some new additions.  Spawn, a wily veteran, was right before Beth, a cocky recent grad who thought nothing of taunting a man who won the campus bench press competition twice.  This would prove to be a mistake.  On no fewer than 18 occasions, Spawn set Beth up to sink the glass, whereupon she was required, by rule, to drink the glass.

Not long before the game started, Beth's equilibrium began to deteriorate, and she made her way to the ladies' room for a bit of retching, followed by some water drinking, and the tacit admission that you should never taunt someone who has played a drinking game ten years longer than you have.  She sat down next to her brother, who said, "bitch, I told you," and then she began the slow process of rehydration and rallying.  Whenever she put her head on the table or looked like she might be considering a nice vomit, I couldn't help but serenade her with a poignant, if not uncomfortable and often inaccurate, version of "Beth" by Kiss.  To think, if the song had never been changed from its original title, "Beck," my caterwauling just would have been weird, notwithstanding the fact that my face would have painted like a cat anyway.

2.  Getting unabashedly hit on by a relatively recent grad

It has been a long time since a woman has hit on me (or maybe I'm too much of an idiot to realize if one was), but there was no mistaking it Saturday night.  I suppose it's not a total surprise.  While in Bloomington, I am in my element.  My aura is electric.  My stare is uncomfortably piercing and often last several seconds longer than what is socially acceptable.  My wife has described me as a "sexual mantis."  Christie apparently took to my fresh approach to sarcasm, reckless yet flirtatious approach to drinking, and borderline autistic approach to watching Indiana basketball games.  She pursued me as if I was Scott Baio, playfully but aggressively.  The literally unbreakable titanium tungsten wedding band on my left ring finger apparently did not dissuade her.  At Upstairs after the game, when it became obvious that I was more interested in talking to Grimace (a dude I know, not that purple motherfucker who used to haunt my dreams) than her, she trap doored. Or maybe I did.  Either way, it worked out for the best.               

1. IU 81 Michigan 73

The game lived up to the hype, and obviously I was happy with the result, especially considering I didn't even have to break a toe this time.  It's already being hailed as the game of the year thus far in college hoops, as it should.  Oddly enough, the biggest highlight of the game might have been a turnover.  With just under eight minutes left, Jordan Hulls threw an errant lob to Victor Oladipo, who was probably the only guy on the court who could have reached back and caught it, which he did, before attempting a one-handed tomahawk.  He was a few inches too far from the rim, but attempted to throw it down.  He had done that, it would have been the dunk of the year, and I think a mushroom cloud would have quickly formed over what used to be Assembly Hall.


This was after Dick Vitale compared Oladipo to a mini Michael Jordan.  Barring a Christian Watford game-winning three from the wing, I'm not sure there could have been a better game.  And while the celebration at Kilroy's Sports Bar after Saturday night's win wasn't quite like the celebration at Nick's after Watford's shot to beat Kentucky last year, it still shows how pumped up IU fans are about this team.  So, to sum it all up, good times.