It's been a while since I've riffed on workplace bathroom etiquette, mainly because I haven't had a need -– which I take as a good sign. As you may recall, years ago, I had some issues with fecal phantomism at my former places of employ. Grown men would literally enter the bathroom, shit, possibly wipe, and then dart out of the bathroom, usually without washing his hands, all in under a minute. It's unthinkable in a civilized society.
The men's room at work consists of four stalls and four urinals. The urinals are inconsequential for purposes of this story, but I'd like you to know that they're there. Today, I entered the bathroom for my daily afternoon toilet nap. The second stall was occupied, so I went to the fourth stall, in accordance with the strict rules of the buffer stall.
You can imagine my horror when I saw specks of splattered shit on the toilet seat. Now sure, occasionally, it's not out of the question for there to be some splatter on the inside of the toilet bowl, above the water level. After all, there are some people who drink coffee and eat spicy foods all in the same day. But on the top of the toilet seat? That's just not right. I had the following concerns about what I saw:
1. This forced me to abandon everything I believe in and take the third stall, with no buffer stall between me and the second stall. Awkwardness ensued, on my side of the stall wall, anyway.
2. Who is this man whose bowels are so explosive that they are spraying on top of the toilet seat? We share our floor with two other companies, so my sincere hope is that I do not work with whatever monster did this.
3. When this person got up, did he not notice his fecal matter all over the toilet seat? If he did, why didn't he at least have the decency to wipe it up? If he didn't notice it, I'm almost more concerned, since someone so oblivious probably wouldn't think to wash his hands after wiping his ass.
4. Nearly three years ago, something very similar happened in the second stall. What if what I saw today and back in 2012 wasn't human excrement at all, but rather blood streaks and splatters after a ghoulie pulled a surprise attack on an unsuspecting toilet goer? Just in case, I'm going to start taking a buck knife with me every time I use a work toilet.