Rocktober Hair Band Song #22: "Burn In Hell" by Twisted Sister

There will be no Tuesday Top Ten this week, as I will be spending the entire day applying costume latex to my naked, completely shorn body, transforming myself from a newly minted quadragenarian into the satyr my wife has always wanted me to be.  Fear not, my annual Halloween costume Tuesday Top Ten will be posted next week.

Halloween is always bittersweet.  On one hand, the spirit world is as close to the human world as it will get all year.  And, of course, there's the apples with razor blades in the middle given to unsuspecting kids.  On the other hand, it always marks the end of Rocktober.

But we ain't quite done rockin' just yet folks.  This Hair Band Rocktober has been a fun journey, and it ends with some more fun:  Twisted Sister's "Burn In Hell."  "Why is suffering fire-induced injuries for eternity fun, GMYH?"  I'm glad you asked, fair reader.  Setting aside the always jovial philosophical and factual debates regarding the existence of an afterlife or afterworld, "Burn In Hell" was featured in the 1985 cult hit Pee Wee's Big Adventure.  As Pee Wee tried to escape the movie lot security guards after (spoiler alert!) stealing his bike back, he interrupts Twisted Sister as they were shooting the video for this song.  The video -- which I'm pretty sure isn't official -- features scenes from the movie, and may offer several last-minute costume ideas if you're still looking to get out and trick or treat tonight.

With that, Hair Band Rocktober is over. My only regret is that October is not 365 days long.  Stay tuned tomorrow, as we start Frovember, a daily look at baseball's most impressive afros.  First up:  Oscar Gamble.

Rocktober Hair Band Song #21: "Fallen Angel" by Poison

Sandwiched in between the anniversary of my birth and All Hallows' Eve is Devil's Night.  Celebrated in several parts of the U.S. and Canada, Devil's Night -- also known as Mischief Night, Goosey Night, Gate Night, Moving Night, or Cabbage Night, depending on where you're from -- is a hilarious tradition where children (and even some adults) commit pranks and petty criminal offenses, like vandalism, toilet papering, and arson.  "To the devil his due," they chant repeatedly in unison, dressed in black cloaks, as they cover neighbors' lawns with instant mashed potato powder.  When the morning comes, and the dew with it, there will be no more grass -- only mashed potatoes.  For the Morning Star has brought upon thee his wicked starch.

In Christian mythology, the "Devil" is the embodiment of evil -- a cloven-hoofed, horned, winged demon overlord who encourages sin and lives somewhere in southwest Texas.  But he wasn't always such a dick.  Originally, he was just Lucifer -- the Morning Star -- a pretty normal archangel just looking for a little play up in heaven.  He started to organize about a third of the angels, but God does not abide by the National Labor Relations Act, so Lucifer and his minions were banished from heaven, castigated to a life of eternal damnation and unrestricted orgies.  Once he was booted from heaven, Lucifer changed his name to Satan, grew a goatee, sprouted a tail, got some reconstructive surgery to add horns to his head, and eventually settled in Hell, where he quickly obtained a sunburn that has never gone away.  Since then, he has been attempting to seduce humanity -- a fallen angel with nothing to lose except the souls of all chaste mortals and maybe some loose change because he doesn't have any pockets anymore.

Fast forward to 1988.  Sunset Strip glam rockers Poison release "Fallen Angel."  It was the band's second single off of their second album, Open Up and Say . . . Ahh! -- an album considered by many to be first instance of improper use of the ellipsis to represent a pause, which has now permeated the American lexicon.  The song reached #12 on the Billboard Hot 100, becoming the band's fourth Top 40 hit.

As any conservative conspiracy theorist will tell you, lyrically, "Fallen Angel" is an allegory for the Devil's journey from small-time angel to ruler of the netherworld, cleverly disguised as a story about a small-town woman who comes to L.A. to find fame and fortune, only to realize that living out your dreams comes at a price:  your friends, your family, your pride, and your soul.  The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.  Nice try, Poison.  Happy Devil's Night.

Rocktober Hair Band Song #20: "Dream Warriors" by Dokken

I would be remiss if I had Halloween week during a Hair Band Rocktober without "Dream Warriors" by Dokken.  You see, kids, back in the 1980s, there was this movie franchise called Nightmare On Elm Street.  The villain was Freddy Krueger, and that motherfucker could enter your dreams and kill you.  Even kids who had never seen any of the movies were terrified of falling asleep.

The third installment of the Nightmare On Elm Street series was released in 1987 and subtitled Dream Warriors.  Dokken was asked to write a song for the movie, and they did.  It's called -- quite appropriately -- "Dream Warriors," and it rose to #22 on the Billboard Mainstream Rock Tracks chart (and was also included on the band's Back For The Attack album).  

The video is great.  It features Patricia Arquette, who starred in the movie, making a little dollhouse covered with Dokken cutouts.  This was pretty standard behavior for '80s teenagers.  But she makes the mistake of falling asleep.  "One two, Freddy's coming for you."  In her dream -- or should I say in my dreams? (that's a Dokken reference, folks) -- she sees a creepy blond toddler riding a tricycle.  "Three four, better lock your door."  Doing what anyone would do, she follows the kid into the basement of a deserted Victorian house.  "Five six, get your crucifix."  She grabs the little girl before the girl burns herself in the boiler, only to realize the kid is now a skeleton.  "Seven eight, gonna stay up late."  And then Freddy shows up and steals George Lynch right after he plays a wicked solo.  "Nine ten, never sleep again."  In the end, though, everything turns out all right because we learn that Freddy Krueger's nightmare is rock and roll.

Hair Band Friday - 10/27/17

1.  "In Groove" by Enuff Z'nuff


2.  "Lay It Down" by Ratt


3.  "The Ballad of Jayne" by L.A. Guns


4.  "Shake Me" by Cinderella


5.  "Wild Child" by W.A.S.P.


6.  "Tears Are Falling" by Kiss


7.  "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" (live) by Guns N' Roses


8.  "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard


9.  "When Some Nights" by Don Dokken


10.  "Holy Diver" by Dio

Rocktober Hair Band Song #19: "Bark at the Moon" by Ozzy Osbourne

You can't have a hair band Rocktober Halloween week without the Prince of Darkness, can you?  No, no you can't.  In 1983, Ozzy Osbourne released his third solo album, Bark at the Moon.  It was the first album to feature lead guitarist Jake E. Lee, who joined Ozzy's band after Randy Rhoads's death the previous year.  Like the prior two albums (Blizzard of Ozz and Diary of a Madman), Bark at the Moon went platinum several times over in the U.S. (three, exact), and the cover featured Ozzy in a horror-themed get-up.  Let's take a quick look at the progression.

On the Blizzard of Ozz album cover, he was dressed in a red robe -- likely silk -- kneeling on the floor of what might be a church, holding a cross up, with a black cat to his right and an animal skull and some sort of horned animal skull to his left.  Is it a wild goat or some sort of ibex?  I'm not sure we want to find out.

On the Diary of a Madman cover, we see Ozzy looking like an extra from Scarface Meets Elvira -- a movie that should have been greenlit -- wearing bloody and tattered clothes, including a shirt with tassels on the arms, looking like he's coked out of his mind (which he probably was), smiling like a jackal in a medieval castle.  Behind him, his son reads a book -- presumably one of those "How To Talk To Daddy About His Substance Abuse and Necromancy Addiction" books -- under an upside-down cross.  That black cat is still there, perched in the window and ready to pounce, or perhaps the dead bird on the table was his or her doing.  "I'm ever so hungry, papa.  What's for dinner?" "Dove!" (snort) "But we had that last night."  "Sharon!"

Finally, on the Bark at the Moon album cover, Ozzy is in the throes of lycanthropy, ravenously sexually assaulting a tree limb as a full moon shines overhead.

The title track to Bark at the Moon is a great song with a great riff, about some soulless monster -- likely a ghoul -- who has returned from the grave to seek vengeance upon the very humans who buried him in the first place.  The video features a Jekyll and Hyde theme, wherein Ozzy is an alchemist in Victorian England who drinks a potion that looks an awful lot like a castrated minotaur's urine, which turns him into a werewolf.  I've seen enough True Blood to know that's not quite how it works, but then again, this was probably just a metaphor for his crippling addiction to cocaine and alcohol.

Rocktober Hair Band Song #18: "Kiss Me Deadly" by Lita Ford

Although I have featured Lita Ford's "Kiss Me Deadly" during Rocktober before (in 2015), I can't in good faith have a Rocktober comprised solely of hair band songs without including one of my favorites.  

Lita Ford and Joan Jett were kind of the First Ladies of Glam Metal.  Of course, they had both been members of the pioneering all-female '70s rock band The Runaways.  After the band split up in 1979, both Ford and Jett forged solo careers and became successful in the '80s.

Ford's biggest success came with her 1988 album Lita, which got up to #29 on the Billboard album charts and has been certified platinum by the RIAA.  Her duet with Ozzy Osbourne, "Close My Eyes Forever," rose to #8 on the Billboard Hot 100, making it both her most successful single ever and Ozzy's most successful, as well.  "Kiss Me Deadly" didn't do so bad either, peaking at #12 on the Billboard Hot 100.

In addition to the tight clothes, teased blond hair, and good looks, "Kiss Me Deadly" made my 11-year-old self fall in love with Lita Ford.  It's catchy and it rocks, which, as we've discussed many times this month, could describe most of the hair band genre.  And that opening line is just phenomenal:  "I went to a party last Saturday night / I didn't get laid / I got in a fight / Uh huh, it ain't no big thing."  If you think Lita Ford is just some pretty face -- who gets in fights at parties instead of having sex, but doesn't give a shit -- you're selling her very short.  She can also play a wicked guitar.  In an interview I saw with her, she recounted a story about someone asking her who played the solo on "Kiss Me Deadly," as this guy assumed it was a man.  Lita, rightfully incensed, explained (presumably in flowery language) that she played the solo (which is pretty damn good, too).

As my girls are getting older, they are now discovering -- with a little help from dad -- Lita Ford, Joan Jett, The Runaways, and Heart.  I think it's pretty cool that they're learning women don't just have to be pop stars, but rather they can rock too.  Some of the old Runaways clips with Ford and Jett are pretty cool, even if my kids have no idea what the song "Wasted" is about.

Unfortunately, the official video for "Kiss Me Deadly" is nowhere to be found on YouTube.  There are a couple fake videos, as well as the one below, which features the actual music video behind the backdrop of a Guitar Hero screenshot of someone playing the song.  The guy (or gal) playing got a very respectable 98% on the expert level, but even he (or she) couldn't nail Ford's solo.

Tuesday Top Ten: Most Successful Hair Band Cover Songs

This hair band-centric Rocktober, we've looked at the Top Ten Hair Band Power Ballads, the Top Ten Hair Band One Hit Wonders, and the Top Ten Noncharting Songs by Successful Hair Bands.  This week, we're going to take a look at the most successful hair band cover songs.  Just as in any genre, hair bands covered, to varying degrees of success, a decent number of songs that were previously performed by other artists.  Some of these songs were released as singles and did quite well, becoming huge hits and even signature songs for the bands.  Other covers were album fillers (I don't mean that negatively) or included on live albums, presumably songs by other groups that the hair band loved and to which they wanted to pay homage.

I scoured hair band Billboard chart records and checked to see if a band or artist's songs that charted on the Billboard Hot 100 were cover songs, and there were a bunch of songs I had no idea were covers.  Below, I'm going to list the ten most successful cover songs performed by hair bands.  As with past lists, I'm restricting it to the Hair Band Era.  Thus, to be eligible for this list, the song must have been released (either as a single or on an album that was released) between July 25, 1980 to May 23, 1992 (i.e., if it was on an album released before May 23, 1992, but it wasn't released as a single until after, it counts).  Conversely, if it was released as a single after July 25, 1980, it counts even if it was on an album released before then.  And as usual, my definition of a "hair band" is somewhat fluid, so not all of these artists would necessarily be considered hair bands throughout their entire career.

Instead of limiting it to ten, I am going to list all of the songs that made it into the Top 20 of the Billboard Hot 100 -- which makes it eleven songs.  In addition to the top eleven, I'm going to list the other charting hair band cover songs in an honorable mention category.  There may be some I'm missing, but I think this list is pretty exhaustive, based on my own confidence in my researching abilities.  For all of the songs, in parentheses after the song and hair hand artist, I'm going to list the highest chart position on the Billboard Hot 100 for the cover version and then the original artist (or in some cases, both the original artist and then another artist who made the song famous).  For the top eleven, I'm also going to put the You Tube videos of both the original and the cover.

Honorable mention (in reverse order by chart position):  "Whiter Shade of Pale" by HSAS (#94; Procol Harum); "Little Suzi" by Tesla (#91; Ph.D.); "That's Life" by David Lee Roth (#85; Marion Montgomery, Frank Sinatra). "We Will Rock You" by Warrant (#83; Queen); "For The Love of Money" by BulletBoys (#78; The O'Jays); "I Did It For Love" by Night Ranger (#75; Russ Ballard); "Piece of My Heart" by Sammy Hagar (#73; Erma Franklin, Big Brother and The Holding Company (i.e., Janis Joplin)); "Since I Don't Have You" by Guns N' Roses (#69; The Skyliners); "Hide Your Heart" by Kiss (#66; Bonnie Tyler (though it was co-written by Paul Stanley)); "Radar Love" by White Lion (#59; Golden Earring); "Sympathy For The Devil" by Guns N' Roses (#55; The Rolling Stones); "If Looks Could Kill" by Heart (#54; Pamala Stanley); "Leader of the Pack" by Twisted Sister (#53; The Shangri-Las); "Mama Weer All Crazee Now" by Quiet Riot (#51; Slade); "Dancing In the Street" by Van Halen (#38; Martha & The Vandellas); "Live and Let Die" by Guns N' Roses (#33; Wings)

11.  "Smokin' In the Boys Room" by Mötley Crüe (#16; Brownsville Station)

Mötley Crüe's 1985 cover of "Smokin' In the Boys Room" turned Brownsville Station's 1973 hit into a harder rocking song with, more importantly, a memorable video.  The original was a genuine hit, going up to #3 on the Billboard Hot 100, and the Crüe's cover -- which appeared on their Theatre of Pain album -- ended up being the band's first Top 40 hit, topping out at #16.  The video featured horror and sci-fi film legend Michael Berryman as a high school principal, to whom poor Jimmy is sent after a dog literally eats his homework.  Jimmy then escapes to the boys room, where he runs into Vince, Mick, Nikki, and Tommy.  Dystopian hilarity ensues.  Whenever someone would smoke in the boys room at my high school -- which happened more than you might think -- it was impossible not to have this song come into my head.

9 (tie).  "Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody" by David Lee Roth (#12; Irving Caesar, Louis Armstrong, Louis Prima)

David Lee Roth loved old-timey songs (see Van Halen's Diver Down album), and he was not afraid to cover them and release them as singles.  "Just a Gigolo" and "I Ain't Got Nobody" were two unrelated songs from the 1920s and 1910s, respectively, which were eventually put together in a medley by Louis Prima in the '50s.  Roth recorded and released the medley as part of his Crazy From The Heat EP (which contained four cover songs), released in January 1985 while he was still technically the lead singer of Van Halen.  He and the band would part ways a few weeks later.  "Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody" was the second solo single Roth released, and it hit #12 on the charts.  Perhaps more importantly, it taught a generation of young men that being a male prostitute isn't all fun and games.

9 (tie).  "(Oh) Pretty Woman" by Van Halen (#12; Roy Orbison)

As I alluded to above, Van Halen's 1982 Diver Down album featured several cover songs (five, to be exact).  One of those was Roy Orbison's #1 hit from 1964, "(Oh) Pretty Woman."  The Van Halen version didn't top the charts, but it did hit #12, making it the band's highest-charting song up to that point.  The video for the song was banned by MTV.  Having seen it many times, I'm not sure why, but perhaps MTV didn't think the world was ready for Michael Anthony dressed as a samurai who rescues a drag queen from the clutches of several grabby little people.

7 (tie).  "Your Mama Don't Dance" by Poison (#10; Loggins & Messina)

In 1972, Kenny Loggins and Jim Messina had a #4 hit with "Your Mama Don't Dance," an easy listening rock song about generational gaps.  Poison covered the song on their sophomore album, 1988's Open Up and Say . . . Ahh!  The exclamation mark is part of the album title, although I am generally excited about the album and the band's cover version of this song, which became Poison's fourth Top 10 hit in the U.S.

7 (tie).  "What About Love" by Heart (#10; Toronto)

This one kind of hurt because I had always assumed it was a Heart original.  It is not.  Originally recorded in 1983 by Canadian group Toronto -- which I assume was an attempt to be the Canadian Boston -- the song was not released.  After the band broke up, one of the members played the demo for a music publishing company, who offered it to Heart, who turned it into one of their signature songs on their self-titled 1985 "comeback" album that propelled them back into the mainstream.

6.  "Signs" by Tesla (#8; Five Man Electrical Band)

For better or worse, Tesla is credited by some with starting the "unplugged" movement with their 1990 live acoustic album, Five Man Acoustical Jam.  The album title was a tribute to Five Man Electrical Band, which originally recorded the song "Signs" in 1971 as a song that encouraged everyone not to judge books by their covers -- and not to be so damned beholden to signs.  The original version went to #3 in the U.S. and #4 in the Five Man Electrical Band's native Canada, and Tesla's live acoustic cover also cracked the Top 10 in the U.S., getting up to #8.

4 (tie). "Cum On Feel The Noize" by Quiet Riot (#5; Slade)

Quiet Riot's cover of Slade's "Cum On Feel The Noize" was the first song featured during this Rocktober, so I won't repeat what I said in that post.  As this and the next song indicate, '70s glam was a big influence on '80s glam metal.

4 (tie).  "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" by Great White (#5; Ian Hunter)

I had no idea this was a cover until a couple weeks ago.  It makes complete sense, now that I am listening to the song in a whole new light as a '70s glam cover.  Originally released in 1975 by former Mott The Hoople lead singer Ian Hunter, it was a modest hit in the UK, but didn't chart in the U.S.  Of course, Great White's 1989 version was their biggest hit, and this has become their signature song.

3.  "California Girls" by David Lee Roth (#3; The Beach Boys)

How does a lead singer show his soon-to-be-former band members that he can do just fine without them?  He covers a popular Beach Boys song (and gets Carl Wilson and Christopher Cross to sing backing vocals), makes a video featuring plenty of scantily clad ladies, and releases it a few months before the news of the break-up is hitting the world.  As with "Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody" (discussed above), David Lee Roth's Crazy From The Heat EP featured his now-famous rendition of "California Girls," which did just as well as the Beach Boys' original 1965 version, as both hit #3 on the Billboard Hot 100. I believe this was the first song I ever sang at karaoke, probably when I was about 9 or 10. I sincerely hope the audio tape of that performance (and yes, there was a tape) has been destroyed.

1 (tie). "Alone" by Heart (#1; I-Ten)

This was another one I was shocked to find out was a cover.  It was written in 1983 by the amazing songwriting duo of Tom Kelly and Billy Steinberg -- who also wrote Madonna's "Like a Virgin," Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors," The Bangles' "Eternal Flame," and The Devinyls' "I Touch Myself," among others -- perhaps attempting to imitate Jim Steinman (and, if they were, they did a hell of a job).  Originally, it was recorded part of their own project, I-Ten.  Hilariously, it was recorded in 1984 by John Stamos and Valerie Stevenson for the short-lived CBS sitcom Dreams.  Thankfully, Heart got a hold of the song and recorded it for their 1987 album Bad Animals, making it into a #1 in both the U.S. and Canada, and making it into one of their most well-known songs.  I can't imagine this song being sung by anyone other than Ann Wilson, and I'm forever grateful that Uncle Jesse wasn't the last one to record it.

1 (tie). "I Love Rock 'n' Roll" by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts (#1; The Arrows)

This song IS Joan Jett.  Except that it's not hers.  Originally, "I Love Rock 'n' Roll" was released in 1975 by The Arrows -- written as a response to The Rolling Stones' "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll (But I Like It)."  The song was a b-side for The Arrows, but luckily a young Joan Jett heard it while she was touring England with The Runaways in 1976.  She originally recorded it with Steve Jones and Paul Cook of the Sex Pistols in 1979, but that version was only a b-side of Jett's single "You Don't Own Me" (a Leslie Gore cover, itself).  Jett re-recorded the song with The Blackhearts and put it on her 1981 album, which she named after this song.  The song hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 and stayed there for seven weeks in 1982.  It's unquestionably her signature song, and even though it was released 27-32 years before my kids were born, they all love it and ask to hear it often.  Since I also love rock and roll, I have no choice but to oblige.

Rocktober Hair Band Song #17: "To Hell With The Devil" by Stryper

With Halloween now only one week away, it's time for the Rocktober songs to have themes of evil, deadliness, Satanism, or the macabre.  But hey, not all rockers bow to Baphomet.  Some, for instance, even worship a sky deity called God, and they're not afraid to admit it.  Stryper was one such band.  In a genre dominated by sin and decadence, Stryper was, in fact, a Christian hair band.  Their stages and album covers contained a bunch of black and yellow (because God loves bees?), bible verse numbers, and Christian imagery, including the upside-down upside down cross you see in so many Christian churches.

On this day in 1986, the band released their third and most successful studio album, To Hell With The Devil, and overtly anti-Satanic album title that sent shockwaves through the largely devil-worshiping metal world.  The album went on to gain double platinum status, on the strength of MTV hits like "Honestly" (which would also be the band's highest-charting song, hitting #23 on the Billboard Hot 100), "Free," and "Calling On You."  But it's the title track that we're going with today, a hard-rocking song about the futile act of telling Lucifer to go back to his eternal home.  "Yeah, maybe I will go back to hell.  And I'm going to torture the shit out of people for the next, oh, I don't know, forever.  Thanks for the suggestion, Stryper."  Get your listening in, Christians, for the remainder of days leading up to All Hallows Eve shall be the devil's.

Rocktober Hair Band Song #16: "Panama" by Van Halen

I remember going to my friend Sean's house at some point in 1984, and he had just purchased Van Halen's 1984 album.  We knew "Jump" because it was all over the radio, and it was a popular choice at the local skating rink, where many suburban Houstonian pre-teens gathered for birthday parties -- although jumping in roller skates is not recommended for amateurs.  As was the custom back then, Sean popped the 1984 tape into his light brown Fisher-Price portable tape player, and we listened to the whole tape, front to back, playing some pretty killer air guitar and air drums in the process.

While there are many fantastic songs on the album, "Panama" has always stuck out as my favorite.  I'm not sure there is a song that invokes me to fist pump more than "Panama."  It's energetic from the get-go, with Eddie Van Halen's monster riff backed by brother Alex's pounding drums and Michael Anthony on bass.  When David Lee Roth starts singing, if you're not bobbing your head, you have no head. Despite what the title suggests, the song is about a car, not about the Central American nation that has a canal. During the bridge, you can hear Eddie Van Halen revving his Lamborghini,
although that is not the car that is the subject of the song. Go figure.

Rocktober Hair Band Song #15: "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard

Back in early August, upon the 30th anniversary of the release of the Hysteria album, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" was the Retro Video of the Week.  I'm not going to repeat everything I said in the post, so feel free to click on the link above if you want the whole story.  But know this:  "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is my favorite song ever made.  As I did in August, I'm giving you both videos. The original, UK-only video featured "demolition women" trying to knock down the house in which the band was playing the song in the living room. I think the point is that you can never destroy rock and roll. The band didn't like that video, so they recorded the later-released video, which featured scenes from their "in the round" concerts.

Hair Band Friday - 10/20/17

1.  "C.O.D." by AC/DC


2.  "Suicide Solution" by Ozzy Osbourne


3.  "Hello America" by Def Leppard


4.  "Long Way From Home" by Britny Fox


5.  "The Final Countdown" by Europe


6.  "Mean Street" by Van Halen


7.  "Gypsy Road" by Cinderella


8.  "Close My Eyes Forever" by Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne


9.  "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)" by Mötley Crüe 


10.  "Color Me Blind" by Extreme

Rocktober Hair Band Song #14: "My Michelle" by Guns N' Roses

"My Michelle" is one of my top five favorite Guns N' Roses songs.  It's the first song off the second side of Guns N' Roses's epic and life-changing debut album, Appetite for Destruction.  You see, kids, back when Appetite came out, there were these things called cassette tapes on which humans used to listen to music.  Half of an album was on one side of the tape, and the other half was on the other side.  When the first half of the tape was done, you had to physically press a button in order to eject the tape from the tape playing mechanism, remove the tape from the tape player, twist it 180 degrees -- no more, no less -- on its vertical axis, place it back into the tape player, close the cover or cartridge, and press the play button.

If you had done that with Appetite for Destruction -- as so many of us did so many times -- you would have been greeted on Side 2 with a guitar intro in a minor key, followed by a blast of gritty rock and roll, with lyrics about some dark shit.

The song is actually based on a woman named Michelle Young, who Slash had known since junior high and who used to hang out with the band.  She once remarked to Axl Rose, as the two were in a car listening to "Your Song," one of Elton John's many cheesy ballads from the '70s, that she wished someone would write a song for her.

Without her knowledge, Axl took her up on that.  He originally wrote it as a romantic song, but then decided to be honest about Michelle's life and completely changed the song into what it became: a dark, brooding, and raunchy rocker about drug abuse and parents who are either dead or working in the porn industry.  Other members of the band feared it might upset Michelle, but Axl showed it to her, and she appreciated its honesty.

As a ten-year-old, and even now, the brutal honesty and imagery of the first couple lines blew me away:  "Your daddy works in porno / Now that mommy's not around / She used to love her heroin / But now she's underground."  You think whatever trivial grade school drama you have is serious?  At least your mom didn't OD on heroin and your dad isn't involved in porn.  The song then detailed Michelle's own addictions and problems.

There is a silver lining for Michelle.  Apparently, she eventually straightened up, moved away from LA to get away from the lifestyle, and hopefully Axl's premonition that "someday [she]'ll find someone that'll fall in love with [her]" came true.

There's not an official video for "My Michelle," but someone made their own, with clips from an old GNR live show mixed with clips from the video from Slash's 2010 collaboration with Fergie, "Beautiful Dangerous," in which Fergie drugs and sexually assaults Slash.  It's better than staring at the Appetite album cover for three minutes and thirty-nine seconds, so here you go.

New Book: Pet Sematary by Stephen King

Earlier this month, I finished reading The Bazaar of Bad Dreams by Stephen King. It's a collection of King's short stories, and it was predictably good. I didn't like it quite as much as Night Shift, which I read last fall, but it was still very good.  Not everything is necessarily "horror," but rather there is some horror, some suspense, and some science fiction.  Without giving too much away, here are a couple of my favorite short stories from The Bazaar of Bad Dreams:
-Ur:  A college English professor buys a Kindle and discovers that it contains books and news articles from parallel universes, which becomes an issue when he attempts to prevent a tragedy he learns about while reading news articles from the future about his universe.
-Morality:  A married woman who works as a nurse for a wealthy retired reverend.  She and her husband are having financial issues, and the reverend asks her to commit a "sin by proxy" (although not of a sexual nature), in exchange for several hundred thousand dollars.
-Bad Little Kid:  A death row prisoner the night before his execution explains to his lawyer why he murdered the child that sent him to prison.  But was it a child after all?
-Obits:  An internet zine writer who specializes in scathing celebrity obituaries realizes he may be able to cause living people to die by writing their obits, and then he has to come to grips with how to use his new-found power.
-Blockade Billy:  An elderly former professional baseball coach recounts when, in 1957, both of his team's catchers were injured just before the season started, so the team has to sign a minor leaguer they've never seen, Billy Blakely.  He turns out to be a star rookie, but some odd things happen and we learn Billy's true identity.

Since we're in the season of the macabre, I am sticking with Master of Horror, going with Pet Sematary by Stephen King. It is about a longstanding pet cemetery in a small Maine town that has been maintained by the town's children (hence the misspelling) and that has some mystical powers.  It's one of his classics, but I've never read it, nor have I seen the 1989 movie (or its 1992 sequel, which is not based on the book, but uses its setting).  So far so good.

Books read in 2017:
-X-Ray: The Unauthorized Autobiography by Ray Davies
-Phil Lynott: The Rocker by Mark Putterford
-I Am Brian Wilson: A Memoir by Brian Wilson with Ben Greenman
-Trouble Boys:  The True Story of The Replacements by Bob Mehr
-The Bazaar of Bad Dreams by Stephen King

Rocktober Hair Band Song #13: "Here I Am" by Skid Row

I'll never forget the day I bought Skid Row's eponymous debut album.  While I don't recall the exact date, it was sometime in the summer of 1989.  I was staying with my friend Jeremy for a week or so while my parents were taking a vacation.  In the afternoon, Jeremy and I went to Beautiful Day Records, a skinny record store in downtown LaGrange, where I purchased Skid Row on tape.  Following that, we walked down to All Star Video where, with a forged note from his mother stating that he was allowed to rent R-rated movies, Jeremy rented The Shining.  Neither of us had ever seen it or heard of it.  We just thought Jack Nicholson's face on the cover was creepy, so it must be a good horror movie.

I made it maybe halfway through The Shining before I removed myself from the room.  Too much freaky shit going on in that hotel.  (Side note:  it has since become my favorite horror movie.)  I went upstairs in Jeremy's house, put on my new Skid Row tape, and played some Wizards and Warriors on Nintendo.

The album is excellent, top to bottom.  There isn't a bad song on it.  Of course, you likely know the two Top 10 songs off of the album -- "18 and Life" (#4) and "I Remember You" (#6) -- and you may even know their first single, "Youth Gone Wild," which barely cracked the Billboard Hot 100 (coming in at #99), but received a decent amount of radio and MTV airplay.  The other songs on the album are great, too.  Sebastian Bach's vocals are as powerful as any other hair band lead singer, the guitars (courtesy of Dave Sabo and Scotti Hill) snarl, and the rhythm section of Rachel Bolan -- and his chain that went from his earring to his nose ring -- on bass and Rob Affuso on drums hold things down quite well. 

The album had a grittier feel to it that some of the other albums out at the time in the same genre.  To that point, "Here I Am" is a good example.  It starts out with a badass riff and talks about a girl at a bus stop who is either a hooker or a stuck-up rich chick.  It's open for debate.  I would like to note that today was the first time I read the lyrics to the song, and for the last 28+ years, I have believed the opening line to say "Six foot one and lonely / Just desperate to get it right / Standing at the bus stop / With her alligator bags."  Apparently, she was not just desperate to get it right, but rather "Dressed in spaghetti rags."  Never stop learning, people.

Tuesday Top Ten: Noncharting Songs by Successful Hair Bands

Last week, we took a look at the Top Ten Hair Band One Hit Wonders.  This week, I'm going with the opposite approach, answering the question I know you've been asking this whole month:  "GMYH, I know the big hits, but what in holy hell are the best noncharting songs by the most successful hair bands?"  You asked, fair reader, and you deserve an honest, well-thought-out responsive post using an arbitrary metric created by a man who once farted so horribly at a Nashville honky tonk that he had to buy fifteen shots of Fireball for his friends and strangers to make up for the temporary stench.  My god, that was awful.

So here's how this is going to work.  We have to have some relatively objective method by which to judge which bands are "successful."  To that end, I have come up with the following scoring system for each band or artist.

10 points:  #1 song on Billboard Hot 100 or #1 album on Billboard 200

9 points:  #2-10 song on Billboard Hot 100 or #2-5 album on Billboard 200

8 points:  #11-20 song on Billboard Hot 100 or #6-10 album on Billboard 200

7 points:  #21-30 song on Billboard Hot 100 or #11-15 album on Billboard 200

6 points:  #31-40 song on Billboard Hot 100 or #16-20 album on Billboard 200

5 points:  #41-45 song on Billboard Hot 100 or #21-25 album on Billboard 200

4 points:  #46-50 song on Billboard Hot 100 or #26-30 album on Billboard 200

3 points:  #51-60 song on Billboard Hot 100 or #31-35 album on Billboard 200

2 points:  #61-75 song on Billboard Hot 100 or #36-40 album on Billboard 200

1 point:  #76-100 song on Billboard Hot 100 or #41-50 album on Billboard 200

Because there are bands that fall within the hair band genre who have had success both before and after the end of the Hair Band Era -- which, as you undoubtedly recall, I have defined as July 25, 1980 to May 23, 1992 -- we will be limiting this list and its "success" metric to those dates.  Thus, to qualify for points under the scoring system above, an album, EP, single, or song must have either been released as a single or have been a song on an album that was released between July 25, 1980 to May 23, 1992.  So, if it was on an album released before May 23, 1992, but it wasn't released as a single until after, it counts.  Conversely, if it was released as a single after July 25, 1980, it counts even if it was on an album released before then.  This also includes live albums and compilations.  For groups that were around before the Hair Band Era and/or changed their sound to adapt to the Hair Band Era (Kiss, Heart, Scorpions, etc.), I am only including the albums/singles that fit within the hair band genre, in my own subjective opinion. 

So, I'll add up all the points for each band and artist, and then take the top ten highest-scoring acts.  Once those acts have been determined, I will choose what I believe to be the best (read: my favorite) noncharting song by each of those ten bands or artists.  To be clear, noncharting means did not appear in the Billboard Hot 100.

I'll even list out the charting positions for the bands and artists, in case you want to check my math -- not that I'm going to do the list over or anything.

1.  Van Halen - "Sinner's Swing!"

162 points

-Albums:  5, 3, 2, 1, 1, 1

-Singles:  12, 38, 1, 13, 13, 56, 3, 22, 22, 34, 5, 13, 35, 27, 55

Van Halen basically ruled the '80s, so it should come as no surprise that they are tops on this list.  Choosing a song was hard, though, as several of the songs I was going to choose had actually charted.  And then "Romeo Delight" -- maybe my favorite Van Halen song -- was on Women and Children First, which was released before the Hair Band Era (see above).  So, I am going with "Sinner's Swing!" off of 1981's Fair Warning.  Generally a darker album, Fair Warning is the only Van Halen album of the David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar eras that didn't have a song to chart in the Billboard Hot 100.  Passing over "Unchained" was a tough decision for me because I love that song too, but I wen't with "Sinner's Swing!" because I think fewer people have heard it.  It's one of the many breakneck energetic deep cuts from the band's first six albums (i.e., the Roth era) -- like "Atomic Punk," "I'm The One," "Light Up The Sky," "Bottoms Up!," "Romeo Delight," "The Full Bug," and "Top Jimmy" -- that, for me, make Van Halen who they are, and that energy was never quite matched during the Hagar era.  "Sinner's Swing!" is raw, beautiful rock and roll by four guys who were reaching their prime.

2.  Def Leppard - "High 'n' Dry (Saturday Night)"

139 points

-Albums:  38, 2, 2, 1

-Singles:  12, 16, 28, 61, 80, 19, 10, 2, 1, 3, 12, 15, 36, 12, 34, 62

1981's High 'n' Dry album is, behind Hysteria, my favorite Def Leppard album.  It was the band's last before original guitarist Pete Willis would be kicked out of the band and replaced by Phil Collen, and it was the band's first collaboration with Mutt Lange as producer.  It certainly trended more towards their earlier NWOBHM sound than their later more polished hair band masterpieces (Pyromania, Hysteria, Adrenalize), and it produced no songs that charted on the Billboard Hot 100 (although a remixed version of "Bringin' On The Heartbreak" later hit #61 in 1984).  The title track is a hard-rocking song with swagger about getting drunk on a Saturday.  Hilariously, it was targeted by the PMRC in 1985 as one of the "Filthy Fifteen" because of its apparent references to alcohol.  On the flip side, it has also been named as #33 on VH1's list of the Greatest Metal Songs.

3.  Heart – "The Wolf"

125 points

-Albums:  1, 2, 3

-Singles:  10, 4, 1, 10, 54, 1, 7, 12, 49, 2, 23, 13, 64

I limited Heart to the Heart, Bad Animals, and Brigade albums, and even then, they came in third.  Basically, every song they released as a single between 1985 and 1990 charted.  This made it very difficult to come up with a song for this list, particularly as I am not as familiar with Heart's deep cuts as I am with other bands' deep cuts.  But alas, all it meant is that I had to do some research.  By research, of course, I mean listening to their noncharting tracks on Spotify.  Unsurprisingly, the noncharting songs on these albums are, for the most part, pretty solid.  I decided to go with "The Wolf" off of the self-titled 1985 album.  It's a snarling rocker with great vocals from Ann Wilson and, as always, great guitars from sister Nancy.  "The Wolf" appears to be the spiritual cousin of the band's hit "Barracuda."  Setting aside the animal analogies, "The Wolf" is also about some sexually harassive asshole man who thinks he's better than he is.  ("Barracuda" was written as a venomous diss song towards certain types of men in the record industry, after some d-bag asked Ann how her "lover" was, referring to her sister Nancy.)

4 (tie).  Bon Jovi - "Wild In The Streets"

114 points

-Albums:  43, 37, 1, 1

-Singles:  39, 48, 54, 69, 1, 1, 7, 1, 3, 1, 7, 9

I was surprised Bon Jovi wasn't a little bit higher on the list, but then again, most of their success came in the last three years of the '80s, so they just didn't have the volume that the top three had.  "Wild In The Streets" is the last song off of Slippery When Wet, and it's an uptempo, catchy song that could have very well charted had it been released as a single -- since pretty much everything that they released charted.

4 (tie).  Poison - "Look What The Cat Dragged In"

114 points

-Albums:  3, 2, 2

-Singles:  9, 50, 13, 6, 12, 1, 10, 3, 4, 38, 35

Poison had their fair share of success, and I decided to go with the title track off of their debut album.  "Look What The Cat Dragged In" is a gritty song about the sinful Sunset Strip lifestyle. That opening riff is pretty solid.  For whatever reason, when I was ten, I didn't bat an eye when Bret Michaels declared "I gotta girl to a left of me, a girl to my right / I know damn well I slept with both last night."

6.  Guns N' Roses - "Rocket Queen"

109 points

-Albums:  1, 2, 2, 1

-Singles:  7, 1, 5, 4, 93, 29, 10, 33, 3, 72

I've said it before, and I'll say it many times again:  "Rocket Queen" is, was, and always will be my favorite Guns N' Roses song.  For an in-depth analysis of the song and my love for it, click here.  If reading isn't your bag, then I don't know why you're here, but at least listen to the song below.

7.  Mötley Crüe - "Live Wire"

106 points

-Albums:  17, 6, 2, 1, 2

-Singles:  54, 90, 16, 89, 12, 83, 6, 27, 8, 19, 78, 63, 37

"Live Wire" was the perfect song to be the first track off of Mötley Crüe's 1981 debut album, Too Fast For Love.  It is three minutes of raw energy at a machine-gun pace, announcing to the world that there was a new band in town, ready to rule the world and take your women and drugs on the way. (Note that the video below is inverted. They aren't all normally left-handed.)

8.  AC/DC - "Shoot To Thrill"

73 points

-Albums:  4, 1, 15, 32, 12, 2, 33

-Singles:  35, 37, 44, 84, 23

It was a pretty sizeable dropoff in points from 7 to 8, but AC/DC was hurt by its lack of big singles.  Their albums always sold and charted well, though.  "Shoot To Thrill" is a fantastic track off of Back in Black.  You've likely heard it in commercials, and I think it's in Iron Man.

9 (tie).  Cinderella - "Take Me Back"

69 points

-Albums:  3, 10, 19

-Singles:  13, 66, 51, 12, 36, 20, 36, 44

I was glad to see Cinderella make the list because they are an underrated and underappreciated hair band -- definitely more on the bluesy side, especially in their later stuff.  1988's Long Cold Winter contained four charting songs, including three Top 40 songs, but somehow "Take Me Back" wasn't released as a single.  It is probably my favorite Cinderella song.  With it's slide guitar, it's catchy and it rocks, which as you have seen, is kind of a trend during the Hair Band Era.

9 (tie).  David Lee Roth - "Elephant Gun"

69 points

-Albums:  15, 4, 6, 18

-Singles:  3, 12, 16, 66, 85, 6, 64
After David Lee Roth and Van Halen split ways, Roth went solo and tried his damnedest to form a band with the same level of musical talent as the one he left behind.  He came pretty damn close, getting guitar legend Steve Vai, bass wunderkind Billy Sheehan (who would later go onto Mr. Big), and session drummer Gregg Bissonette to join him on his first two albums.  "Elephant Gun," off of Roth's debut full-length solo album, Eat 'Em and Smile," is a song that reminds me why I loved Roth with Van Halen.  It's fast, energetic, and has great musicianship.

Rocktober Hair Band Song #12: "Lay Your Hands On Me" by Bon Jovi

Twenty-nine years ago this week, Bon Jovi's fourth studio album, New Jersey, was beginning its four-week run as the #1 album on the Billboard album charts.  There was no let down for Bon Jovi after their prior breakthrough album, Slippery When Wet.  In addition to topping the U.S. album charts, New Jersey hit #1 on the album charts in five other countries and was Top 10 in another five.  It has gone platinum seven times in the U.S., and it holds the distinction of being the first American album every released in the USSR -- presumably leading to glastnost and the fall of the Soviet Union. 

New Jersey also spawned five Top 10 hits on the Billboard Hot 100 -- "Bad Medicine" (#1), "I'll Be There For You" (#1), "Born To Be My Baby" (#3), "Lay Your Hands On Me (#7), and "Living in Sin" (#9) -- which was (and still is) the most for a hard rock or hair band album.  While they're all great songs, I'm going with "Lay Your Hands On Me."  It's the opening track on the album and sets the stage nicely, fading in with Tico Torres's thunderous drum beats getting louder and louder, with the band shouting "hey!" every now and then, before the drums, guitar, and bass disappear and it's just Jon Bon Jovi repeating the song title behind a church organ, set to guide you on a religious experience for the next five minutes, because before you know it, bam!  The whole band kicks in and busts out a hard-rocking hit with a sing-along chorus, pleading you, begging you, commanding you to lay your hands on me.  You don't have to grab anything.  Just lay them on me.  That said, you're also welcome to grab something, if that's your thing.

The video is a classic concert video, showing you why arena rock concerts used to rule the world. If this song doesn't get you in a good mood, then maybe you're just one of those people who isn't capable of being put in a good mood. Take a look in the mirror and think about it for a good long time. No one likes a curmudgeon.

Rocktober Hair Band Song #11: "Wait" by White Lion

Danish/American rockers White Lion were one of the many successful "W" hair bands -- Warrant, Whitesnake, Winger, W.A.S.P., Great White, etc. -- that ruled the airwaves in the late '80s.  White Lion's debut single, "Wait," was released in June 1987, but didn't end up catching fire until about seven months later, when it hit #8 on the Billboard Hot 100.  The group's follow-up single, the ballad "When The Children Cry" did even better, getting up to #3.  Both songs helped the band's sophomore album, Pride, eventually go double platinum in the U.S.  

They made a few more albums, but never matched the success of Pride, breaking up in 1991.  Like so many bands, the members (or former members, depending on how you look at it) have unfortunately been involved in legal battles over who can use the White Lion name, so it doesn't look like we're going to get that reunion we've all been waiting for.

But we'll always have "Wait," won't we?  It's simply a pop metal masterpiece.  The guitars are great, the song is uptempo, it's catchy as hell, and it has a sing-along chorus.  What more could you want out of a hair band song?

Rocktober Hair Band Song #10: "I Can't Drive 55" by Sammy Hagar

Yesterday was Diamond Dave, and today it's the Red Rocker, who turns 70 today.  Of course, we all know Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer of Van Halen.  I'm not here to debate the relative merits of Van Halen vs. Van Hagar, so calm down -- both lead singers just happened to have birthdays three days apart.  Hagar, of course, had a great solo career (in addition to his stint as lead singer of Montrose) prior to joining Van Halen.  I'm going with one of his classics, "I Can't Drive 55," which hit #26 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1984.  I think anyone who has ever driven, maybe outside of people from Maine or Ohio, can relate to this song.  All I'm saying is that, if you're driving in the left lane on a highway in Maine or Ohio, don't be surprised if the car in front of you is going under the speed limit and is oblivious to the fact that he/she should move to the right lane to let you pass.  But I digress.  Here is the video.

Rocktober Hair Band Song #9: "Just Like Paradise" by David Lee Roth

I don't have a ton of time to write today, but a couple of days ago was Bloomington, Indiana native David Lee Roth's 63rd birthday.  Here is his 1988 solo hit "Just Like Paradise," which topped out at #6 on the Billboard Hot 100.

Rocktober Hair Band Song #8: "Don't Treat Me Bad" by FireHouse

Charlotte-based FireHouse is another one of those bands that probably arrived on the hair band scene just a little too late.  But they did have some surprising success in the few years before grunge took the fun out of hard rock music.

They formed in 1989, and their eponymous debut album was released a year later.  It went to #21 on the Billboard album charts and eventually went double platinum.  The band followed that up with 1992's Hold Your Fire, which got up to #23 on the album charts, and 1995's 3, which topped out at #66.  The band did have seven songs that charted on the Billboard Hot 100, including two Top 10 power ballads -- Love of a Lifetime (#5) and "When I Look Into Your Eyes" (#8) -- and two other Top 40 songs -- "Don't Treat Me Bad" (#19) and "I Live My Life For You" (#26).  The band even won the Favorite Heavy Metal/Hard Rock New Artist award at the 1992 AMAs, beating out Nirvana and Alice in Chains for the honor.  And to top it off, as far as I know, no one in FireHouse ever died because of heroin.  Suck on that, grunge!

I'm going with "Don't Treat Me Bad" because it's the first FireHouse song I ever heard, likely because it was the first single they released and it was a Top 20 song.  It's catchy as all get up, building from that chuck-a-chuck acoustic guitar in first verse to the electric release in the chorus.  And let's not forget the message, which I think some of our politicians could stand to abide by these days:  you can do anything, but don't treat me bad.

Tuesday Top Ten: Hair Band One Hit Wonders

Back in May 2014, I did a Tuesday Top Ten of Hair Band One Hit Wonders.  Because I'm somewhat busy today, I'm going to take on that topic again, although this time I'm going to take a little bit of a different approach this time and go with the ten highest-charting hair band one hit wonders, rather than my personal opinion on what the ten best hair band one hit wonders were.  Thus, this post will be similar to (and copy and paste much of) my previous post, but there will be a few differences -- most notably that I have removed Ratt's "Round and Round," since Ratt technically had two Top 40 songs.

As you know, I love hair band music, but my love is not limited to the Bon Jovis, Def Leppards, and Mötley Crües of the world.  The '80s were a bastion for one hit wonders, and the hair band genre had its share -- although not as many as you might think.

First, I think it's gravely important that we define what constitutes a one hit wonder.  It's a relatively fluid concept, but generally, a one hit wonder is a band or musician that had one and only one song that made it into the Top 40 of the Billboard Hot 100 charts.  I think that's a fair and objective standard.  In my mind, if Casey Kasem (or Shadoe Stevens) didn't play your song on American Top 40, you didn't have a hit.

This was actually much tougher than I expected.  There were a lot of bands who had multiple Top 40 hits who I only thought would have had one.  After all, hair bands were quite popular in the mid '80s through the early '90s.  Bands like Bad English (3), Cinderella (5), Damn Yankees (2), Europe (4), Extreme (2), FireHouse (4), Lita Ford (2), Great White (2), Mr. Big (3), Nelson (4), Quiet Riot (2), Ratt (2), Skid Row (2), Slaughter (3), Tesla (2), Warrant (5), White Lion (2), Whitesnake (4), Winger (3), Vixen (2) all made it into the Top 40 more than one, and several of them had multiple Top 10s at that.  Who knew Vixen had two Top 40 hits, other than, say, the members of Vixen?

And, on the other hand, there were a lot of bands who I thought would have had a Top 40 song that had none, but perhaps I am retroactively overvaluing the popularity of the likes of W.A.S.P., Dokken, Dio, Britny Fox, Jackyl, and BulletBoys.

As a result of these issues, I had to fudge a couple of the entries on the list and expand my scope to the Top 50.  With that, here are the top ten hair band one hit wonders, in reverse order by highest chart position on the Billboard Hot 100, with the song's highest peak on the charts in parentheses.  And, of course, following each song is the video because you couldn't have a hit song in the '80s without a video.

Just missed:  "Bang Bang" by Danger Danger (#49); "Wait For You" by Bonham (#55); "Hey You" by The Quireboys (#53)

10.  "Fly High Michelle" by Enuff Z'Nuff (#47)

Enuff Z'Nuff was an Illinois-based glam band that often sounded more Beatles-influenced than metal-influenced.  A friend of mine that I grew up with claimed at one point that the band's drummer grew up on his block, and I have no reason to believe or not believe that.  "Fly High Michelle" was the band's biggest hit, topping out at #47 in 1990.  It's the only song on the list that didn't crack the Top 40.

9.  "The Ballad of Jayne" by L.A. Guns (#33)

The original incarnation of L.A. Guns has the infamous distinction of being the "Guns" in Guns N' Roses, when L.A. Guns (featuring Tracii Guns) merged with Hollywood Rose (featuring Axl Rose, Duff McKagan, and Izzy Stradlin).  Of course, Guns was replaced in GNR by Slash, and then he reformed L.A. Guns shortly thereafter.  They put out a couple pretty good glam/sleaze metal albums that cracked the Top 50 of Billboard's album charts, and like so many other hair bands on this list, their highest-charting song was their ballad, appropriately titled "The Ballad of Jayne."  I have always liked this song, and for one reason or another, I think it's better than most hair band ballads.

8.  "Turn Up the Radio" by Autograph (#29)

"Turn Up the Radio" is a great, fist-pumping song with a sing-along chorus, and as I learned today, guitarist Steve Lynch won 1985's "Guitar Solo of the Year" award from Guitar Player Magazine for this song.  I used to see this video now and then on VH1 Classic's hard rock and metal video show, Metal Mania (RIP, VH1 Classic), as well as the band's video for their song "Blondes in Black Cars," a song that could only have been made in the '80s.

7.  "House of Pain" by Faster Pussycat (#28)

Faster Pussycat was fronted by Taime Downe, who co-owned the '80s Sunset Strip club The Cathouse with Riki Rachtman (of MTV Headbangers Ball fame), and "House of Pain" was the band's only charting single.  It's a heartfelt power ballad.

6.  "Honestly" by Stryper (#23)

Who says glam metal can't include some Jesus loving?  Stryper was, as far as I know, the only Christian hair band that had any measure of success.  "Honestly," off the band's 1987 platinum-selling album To Hell With The Devil, was their highest-charting song, and it is a pretty sappy ballad.  I much prefer the title track, but "Honestly" does provide at least a glimpse into lead singer Michael Sweet's vocal range.

5.  "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister (#21)

Give how ubiquitous "We're Not Gonna Take It" has become over the years (I think most college pep bands have had this in their regular rotation at some point), I sometimes forget that it was Twisted Sister's only Top 40 hit.  This is not only a top hair band one hit wonder, but has been ranked as the #21 overall one hit wonder of all-time by VH1.  The video is also a classic that my kids now love to watch. Neidermeyer: what a dick.

4.  "I'll Never Let You Go" by Steelheart (#14)

This was the only one hit wonder that made my list of Top Ten Hair Band Power Ballads, and with good reason.   Lead singer Miljenko "Michael" Matijevic hits notes that most female opera singers can only dream about.  Matijevic also provided the vocals for Mark Wahlberg's character in the 2001 guilty pleasure film Rock Star, which I could watch a thousand times and not get sick of.

3.  "Love Is On The Way" by Saigon Kick (#12)

I have always assumed Saigon Kick is a hair band, based on the fact that their only hit, "Love Is On The Way" was a ballad in the style of other hair bands' ballads at the time.  Then again, the extent of my knowledge of Saigon Kick is relatively limited.  Anyway, this song was pretty big, reaching #12 on the charts in 1992, at the tail end of the Hair Band Era.

2.  "Don't Close Your Eyes" by Kix (#11)

Baltimore-based Kix struck a chord (pun intended) in 1989 with their anti-suicide power ballad "Don't Close Your Eyes."  Like many hair bands (see also Extreme and Mr. Big), they are unfortunately and unfairly mainly known for their ballad, but most of their stuff is a lot harder rocking.  While I have never seen Kix live, they are apparently a legendarily good live band, so if you get the chance, check them out.

1.  "Silent Lucidity" by Queensrÿche (#9)

When I made my original list, honestly, I didn't even think about Queensrÿche because I assumed they had more than one Top 40 song. Apparently, I put too much faith in "Jet City Woman." But "Silent Lucidity" was the band's only charting single -- and the highest-charting hair band one hit wonder.