What Your Bracket Is Trying to Tell You

Hi, I'm your bracket. I look forward to working with you over the next couple weeks. Before we get started, I just want to let you know that I am the most cold-blooded son of a bitch you've ever met. I will hurt you in unimaginable ways. I may look good now, but soon enough I will be unrecognizable, and that will be your fault. I hate you.

Okay, let's get this laugh fest started. Really, you're going to use a fine-point pen? This is going to be fun, you fucking nancy. Well, at least you're picking Ohio State to beat either UT-San Antonio or Alabama State. George Mason over Villanova. I guess. Does George Mason still have that dude who cock punched an opposing player? UAB/Clemson over West Virginia? You don't even know who's playing in the game, yet you have them beating a Final Four team from last year. "But I have to pick a 12 over a 5." Who told you to do that? Bilas? I bet it was Bilas. Kentucky over Princeton. I can live with that, even if I don't like it. Xavier, Syracuse, Washington, North Carolina. Good, good, good, and good. Okay, now onto the West Region first round. Wait, what are you doing? Oh, Jesus, you're one of those guys who picks an entire region at once instead of going through the whole thing round-by-round. You're probably one of those guys who backs into parking spaces at the grocery store. Idiot. Second round matchups. Ohio State over George Mason. Good. Kentucky over UAB or Clemson. Kentucky in the Sweet 16. That makes me want to punch you, but I guess it doesn't matter because in a few years Kentucky will have to vacate all these wins anyway. Xavier over Syracuse?! Am I your main bracket? UNC over Washington. That's fine with me. Ohio State over Kentucky, UNC over Xavier. Thank you. Ohio State to the Final Four. At least spill some beer on me at some point, so I don't have to remember that happening.

Now we can move to the West. Thank God. Duke over Hampton. Obviously. Michigan over Tennessee. At least you agree that Bruce Pearl should finally be put out of his misery. Arizona over Memphis. Sure. Oakland over Texas, huh? Well, I guess there's gotta be one big upset that you get wrong, so it might as well be this one. You realize this guarantees Texas goes to the Final Four, right? Cincinnati over Missouri, UConn over Bucknell, Temple over Penn State, and San Diego State over Northern Colorado. Sometimes you make sense. So what about the second round? Duke over Michigan. It sickens me – which is odd because I'm a piece of paper without the ability to feel nausea – but it's a good pick. Arizona over Oakland. I suppose. UConn over Cincy and San Diego State over Temple. I can get on board with that. Arizona over Duke. I applaud your moxie, even though that's a terrible pick. San Diego State over UConn and Arizona. That's fair. So you think San Diego State has the weapons to go the Final Four? Godspeed, you beautiful bitch.

Maybe the right side of the bracket will make me want to jump in the shredder less than the left half did. Southwest region. Kansas over Boston University. But God loves a Terrier. See what I did there? I made a pop culture reference. You didn't think I had it in me did you? Because I'm a piece of paper? Well fuck you! I like dry comedy too, asshole. UNLV over Illinois. What is this, the region of coaches who failed to win a national title at Illinois? Vanderbilt over Richmond. So you pick UAB or Clemson to beat West Virginia, but you don't pick the A-10 tournament champ to beat a team that has a history of epic failure in the NCAA tournament. Have you seen Kevin Stallings's head? Louisville over Morehead State. Hehe, Morehead. Georgetown over USC or VCU. Purdue over St. Peter's. Sadly, you have to Pick Purdue there. Florida State over Texas A&M. Oooohh, big upset pick. Notre Dame over Akron. Jesus man, Illinois, Purdue, and Notre Dame all in the same region. You have to be loving this. Let's keep this shit show going. Kansas over UNLV in the second round. That seems reasonable, although Kansas likes to choke. Louisville over Vandy. Pitino better be wearing a white suit. And raping some crazy chick on a restaurant table. Georgetown over Purdue. Bold, but Purdue does have a habit of sucking in March. Did you know it used to be a two-year technical college? Notre Dame over Florida State. Cute. So then Louisville over Kansas and Georgetown over Notre Dame? Interesting. It's obvious that you will have no need for me after this Sunday. Georgetown to the Final Four over Louisville. You're Canadian, aren't you? You have to be Canadian.

On to the Southeast region for one last chance at redemption. Pitt over UNC-Asheville or Arkansas-Little Rock. You sure? Old Dominion over Butler? Butler was two inches from winning the national title last year. Whatever. Utah State over Kansas State AND Belmont over Wisconsin. Really? You've been listening to that credit card stealing bastard Doug Gottlieb, haven't you? A 12 and a 13 in the same region. There's $5 you'll never see again. St. John's over Gonzaga. I agree with this one, only because Steve Lavin has better hair than you, you cum stain. Sorry, that was uncalled for. I've been a little ornery since you ran me through that printer seven minutes ago and ruined my fucking life. BYU over Wofford. And yet no sex in the Caffeine Free Diet Coke room for the Cougars. Michigan State over UCLA. Izzo is a hizzo. Get it?! I don't either. Florida over the Gauchos from UC-Santa Barbara. Gauchos. That's fun to say. Okay, second round. Pitt over ODU. Good work. Utah State over Belmont. I guess it doesn't matter at this point. St. John's over BYU. Wrong. Michigan State over Florida! I didn't realize you were whatever God the Japanese believe in and I was Miyagi prefecture. Too soon? So, Pitt over Utah State. It's too late now anyway, so you might as well have made me the only bracket outside of Logan, Utah to have Utah State going to the Elite 8. Yeah, I know where Utah State is located. I used to be an encyclopedia. Michigan State over St. John's. Now you're just being a dick. Pitt over Michigan State. Fine.

So your Final Four is Ohio State, San Diego State, Georgetown, and Pitt? Ohio State over SDSU and Pitt over Georgetown. Oh, you went with an Ohio State-Pitt final. How original. I'm sure you'll be the only one in your pool with that. Which one are you going with? O-S – oww, you're hurting me. Jesus man, take it easy. You're just crossing out a name, not trying to punch through a dog. Pitt, huh? I think we both know how this is going to end. By the end of next week, I'll have red Xs, beer, and probably a little blood all over me. I'm your first, but that won't matter to you. You'll ditch me for some younger model that you won't even meet until Thursday morning. It makes me want to be recycled immediately, but knowing my luck I'd be reincarnated to be your bracket again next year. Have fun losing to that secretary down the hall with the annoying laugh who picks chalk every year and can't name a single player on any team, yet still manages to beat you. Because you suck. My life has meant nothing.